ETHAN

Short of driving his own head into the wheel, he opted to crack the heel of his palm against it instead until it made him feel something else. He dug his fingers into the back as he sat on the curb near the casino, which shone bright over the smoggy skyline to block out the stars Keren loved so much. It pulsated underneath his skin and in his burned blood as he rested his elbow in the hook of the wheel, pushing his brow into his searing hand.

Fuck.

He nudged his fingers onto the bridge of his nose when air refused to give him the strength to get out of the car. People wandered out of the front entrance, through the identification checkpoint to present themselves to the guards inside. It blazed into his eardrums with the twisting sounds to follow him home. Noises of defeat or utter victory, but no matter what, the house of Malakai always won.

He wiped the stickiness off his cheeks and rolled into the staff parking, taking the VIP parking spots meant for Father and his closest associates. Stuck to his seat, waiting for the pressure behind his eyelids and brow to stop. He tried not to nod off to the gentle music oozing out of his radio, so he unhooked himself from the weight in his chest to crawl out of his car to let the door close on its own. Some of Father's associates hung around the back entrance with tangles of smoke whispering in the air. The group acknowledged him when he passed into the casino, straight through the first floor.

Colorful holograms exploded above the slot machines with every win, and melted with every loss. A roll of several dice. Through the cage of gambling, he passed the dealing tables for Chain Winch. Bells and streamers became distant memories in his ears, underneath a wave of bubbles with only his heartbeat the strongest sound. Urto, Jesti, and a couple other young blood sat in the deep conversation pit playing their own, subtle card games with everything on the line. His own footsteps echoed with the breath lining his tongue when he walked past them to the VIP lounge, where Father often sat down with his trusted associates to discuss business. It was Jozten who stood guard outside today, moving with ease to the side at his approach.

'You said you'd try!' Keren's voice dogged him, but he stood at the other end of the long table.

Father straightened himself out and flicked one last ember into the consuming ashtray in front of him and Jozten closed the door behind him. No escape. He waited for Father's silent indication to take a seat among the suited individuals of haughty power. "You wished to see me?" Ethan asked, refusing to let his voice echo in the room of tension.

"Yes," Father said. "You wanted to help, Ethanius? I think I have something in mind to introduce you to how we work." He pointed his cigar at the closest Associate to him. "You want to explain to him the problem we're facing, Oulvar?"

"Of course, boss." Oulvar slipped an infopod out of one of the tight pockets on his suit. Ethan caught it with the tips of his fingers when he rolled it to him. "Since the attack on North Park, we've had to expand our sphere of protection."

'Run, Ethanius!' Mother screeched.

"Have you figured out why the attack happened?" he needled.

"Ethanius."

He dropped the question at Father's firm, cold tone.

Oulvar waited another second before continuing. "There's an edevium shop, you might've gone past it once or twice, run by a man named Luro Goan," he said. 'This isn't the first time we've had to remind him who lets him set up shop in the area. Recently though, he's gotten more bold. We believe there is an undermine going on from our rival business', Azaika. If we lose Goan, we've just given Azaika more access to edevium weapons. We can't let that happen." Oulvar set his arms on the table with a nod at Father.

"I don't want harm to befall Mr. Goan," Father said. "Nor do I want any of the goods damaged beyond repair, but don't be afraid to press upon him the importance of staying on our good side. He knows what he owes for our protection, make sure you get it from him. Take Jestirian with you as back up."

"I understand." Ethan pocketed the infopod.

"And Ethanius," Father stopped him when he went to stand from the chair. "If you do this to my expectations, I'll be able to give you more delicate tasks. Prove that you're capable, Ethanius. Get his dues as soon as you're able, and then we'll discuss things further."

Out of the seat, he straightened himself out with a nod to the associates in suits. Jozten opened the door for him when he pushed the handle with the chance for connection Father gave him. It shook the tips of his fingers with the sound of a blaster shot, and he went past the conversation pit once more.

Jesti raised his hand, all alone with what winnings he managed to get from their game. "Hey, Ethan! You dealing tables today? I had a card counter on mine and wanted to pick your brain on how to—" he began with a welcoming smile, but it died the closer he came.

Ignoring his greetings, he went into the corridor to the wash-stations, to the farthest one, unheard and in the same sense of fractured safety of his room. Another voiceless echo of continuous expectation. Lost in the silence of the cheerful victory, and despairing defeat, he closed the washstation door and raked his hands from his temples to the top of his skull to test the edges of his hair from the other side of the mirror.

Walls closed in on all sides and brought with it screeching tires as he leaned over the sink to splash water into his face and up his nose to drown in its cold touch. Droplets dripped off his chin as he doubled over, digging his fingers into the porcelain perfect surface. The stream swirled down the drain into the black hole.

A deadly, inevitable force.

It shuddered his blood skin-deep and drove teeth through his nerves as he swayed to his own breathing. One more splash of water to try and shatter the reality. Another stream of ice dripped down his cheeks as he brought his fingers to his nose to brush out the glimmering specks of blood.

In the mirror, Mother.

Her tears. Her pain. Her fear of him.

'Monster, he should've never been born.'

Ethan dug his fingers into his brow and shook the voice out. Anything for his family. All for his family. His life for his family. He tried to find the noise of his own heartbeat, but it went into screeching white noise to crack along the surface of a mirror when he peeked over his knuckles when he tried to pry out the pain.

'You should be better,' Father reprimanded. 'Don't steal from me, Ethanius. Don't let me catch you.'

His palms crashed against the edge of the sink as he chewed on his tongue and drove it deeper to taste the rust life left him.

'Anything you do, he will parrot,' she lectured instead. 'I can't control what you do—'

But I don't want him to become a monster like you.

Always allowed to fail. Always able to get her love. Ethan sucked in air and tried to shake out the growing pressure along his skull. He leaned his elbows on the edge and drove his fingers into his scalp to pry out the vibrations of his parent's words. Hatred dug deep into his soul and burned the comfort to ash. Mother's last wish for him to run, but he failed her; betrayed her with his existence. Keren snapped, lashed, and blamed him too.

Clumps of hair wrapped around his fingers when he tried to tug it out, lowering his head further to the hate in the mirror. Water sloshed and bones broke. Hands shook when he clawed it down his cheeks. His hand drove his rage into the nearest line of tools, sending them rolling across the countertop and to the tile at his feet.

It never made a sound.

Miama, I just wanted you to... Ethan begged her when he lifted his head and stared into her empty, cold green eyes. His mirror. On the edge of the black hole, she turned her back on him, and he faced another wall. It swept into decorated reflections on the metal. There was no escape.

Not for him.

Ethan drove his teeth deeper into his cheeks when he confronted the mirror.

Planets swayed in violent force when he shambled back to the sink when the weight cracked his spine and pushed him to give his soul for the family. "I was going to look away," he rasped to her last visage. "I was going to let you run. Why didn't you?"

'There is no escape.'

He drove his fingers into his temples and released his life.

I just wanted you to love me.

'Prove to me that you deserve it,' Father bit.

'You said you'd try,' Keren reminded him.

Yes...

Ethan lifted his head and stared into the same ice-cold green dug into his sockets as a reflection of her.

I did.

Darkness swallowed the walls when he straightened himself out and the mirror shone. It swirled water through the environment when he reached for the knife to cut away from the edge he clung to, hoping for her to reach out and hold him like she used to.

I did try.

It just was never enough. She had you, and I wasn't enough anymore.

It clattered to the ground in another echo when a plume of mist stole his consciousness before he could reach — protect — his brother.

A star collapsed and screeched into a black hole.

Cold inevitability.

Another echoing truth.

Everything tipped sideways in one smooth motion, and he fell into the black hole.

Bubbles swept across his brow as he drowned in expectation.

"Ethan!" a distant voice begged. "Ethan, run!"

...Miama...?

It slipped past his lips and came out further bubbles. His own name popped each one into bloody sparkles to vaporize on the event horizon.

Ethan winced when it tapped his cheek in several insistent motions.

"Hey!" a familiar voice snapped, full of wasted concern. "Ethan, don't be dead!"

Light burst from the shattered pieces and into the swirling abyss.

Jestirian leaned over him with his teeth in his lower lip. Ethan scoffed when Jesti tugged him off the cold ground and set both hands around his forearm. Ethan used his other hand to steady himself when the wave of elated nausea prickled his temples. His knife fell underneath the sink. Water released a persistent, repeated hush from the faucet.

"What's going on?" Ethan mused. "Why the wake-up call?"

I was so close to slipping past the event horizon...

Jesti squirmed. "That's it? I find you passed out on the wash station floor and you're asking me 'what's going on?'" He planted his feet and tugged him to rest against the counter. "I should be asking you that, Ethan. What's going on? Are you okay?"

His fingers wrapped around the hilt of his knife, and he tucked it into safety. "Nothing," he tasted it on his lips. "I'm fine. Great."

Jesti's brow scrunched at the truth. "You don't look great. You should go home. I can take your tables for tonight."

Hauled to his broken feet, Ethan stared into the mirror with Jesti's hand on his shoulder to keep him upright. Empty, the event horizon he left behind with his escape from North Park. "Ethan," Jesti's voice continued to persist through the comfort of cold white noise. "You got what you came here for? Just go home."

"They want us to go remind him," he whispered and pushed the infopod into Jestirian's hand. "You're going to come with me tomorrow."

"Right..." Jesti pocketed it and raised his other hand to his shoulder. "Ethan, you're practically vibrating."

He dug his fingers into Jesti's shirt and found the strength to smile at him. "I'm fine," he repeated. "I feel great." He let go of Jesti and pushed him to the side, pushed her to the side. "Thank you for offering to take my tables. I'm going to take you up on that. Watch Sonny, he likes to palm cards."

"Ethan—"

Ethan stopped and looked in the mirror.

Himself.

Mother disappeared.

"I'm going to go home," he said. "Make sure you take a look at that infopod. We have a job to do."

Back to Jesti, he savored on the newfound swan song eking out of the abyss of a dead star.