KEREN

Happy thirteenth Starday to me...

He sat in his room, alone.

Happy happy happy Starday... The child's tune for stardays stuck in his lap and fiddled with his pillow he sat in his lap. Candles. Sweets. Cakes. Laughter, fun and play. He pinched the pillowcase and listened to the sound of cars driving through their gated community to leave into the sphere of unknown influence. Voices coiled from Father's study, but he sat there, all alone.

He lifted his head when heavy footsteps sounded from outside his door.

Ethan sidled through the opening as another Suit walked down the steps without a glance his way, or a Happy Starday. Keren looked back at his pillow when the door closed and shut any other Suits out of his room. "What was that about?" he asked, but the answer never changed.

"Nothing," Ethan mumbled and sat beside him, shuffling through the bag in his hands. "I meant to give you this earlier, but—"

"North Park happened," Keren said, the bloody taste dull on his tongue.

Ethan blinked, the shadows in the emptiness pronounced. "Yes."

Keren replaced the pillow with Ethan's package, sliding his fingers against the opening to cut into his skin to reveal the burning fire beneath. It swelled a void in his heart when Ethan tucked his hands in his pockets without another word. Keren opened it, and stared down at the wings of his freedom — fake, not true flight and not real wings. He sucked in his lips and dropped the package to his feet to kick it across the room, but held the fake ship close to him. "Thanks."

Ethan rubbed his shoulder. "Just wanted to give my Sellzora something for today."

But won't give me what I actually want. He set it at the head of his bed and sank deeper into his shoulders. "Are we going to do anything today? Will you help me build it?"

Ethan's hand dropped from his shoulder, a silent, cold answer. "I'm going to make you dinner tonight. Your favourite," he said with an empty smile. Mother's smile, before it was stolen from him. "But I have to go to the casino for a little while. Deal some tables. Help Father with some things. I might be able to pick you up something else; if you want." He tapped his cheek. "Keren?"

"Fine."

Ethan puffed out an exasperated breath, but he escaped his brother's grip. "Keren." His bed frame squeaked when Ethan stood up. "I know things are a little confusing right now, but I'm doing this for you." He held onto his shoulders, and he found himself forced to face his older brother, whose surface cracked like the moonlit lake at the slightest disturbance. "For my family that I still have, alright?"

"For the family," Keren echoed the words.

"For my family," Ethan corrected. "Okay? I'll be back later to cook dinner, and maybe we can think of something to do for your Starday."

Keren swallowed the void and nodded with the last embers of his hope. "Okay, Kellzoro."

Ethan sent another gentle tap into his cheek before leaving him behind, stolen by the Suits to go to the casino and stay for hours on end doing who knew what. Agitation swept into his hands to curl them into fists, and he gave chase before they emptied out of the house and left him alone. "Ethan," he called before Ethan stepped over the threshold. Words collected on his throat when Ethan grabbed a coat and hat for the blanket of rain. "Can you get me a package of candy?"

"Candy?"

Keren nodded. "Those... star-shaped ones?" He tried to demonstrate with his fingers. "The sour ones? You know what I mean?" He tried not to burst out into starry rage at the sight of the Suits waiting by the car — waiting to take his brother to the casino he went to every day at all times.

Ethan smiled, broken and empty. "I'll try and find them." Keren dug his teeth into his lips when Ethan ruffled his hair. "I'll be back to cook dinner."

"You said that already."

"Well, I'm repeating. Go take it easy until I'm back." Keren frowned as Ethan clapped his back and walked off the front steps to the waiting Suits. He hid behind the window curtains to watch the car disappear behind the gate to their community.

Happy Starday... to me.

He sank into the table and waited — it was all he did when there were off days from school. Part of him hoped Mother would cross the threshold, a smile on her face. No matter how strained, she managed to smile. Keren tucked his head into his arms to swallow in darkness. Time ticked on, and he groaned at the sound of hissing steam. Out of his arms, he frowned at the dim lighting everywhere but the kitchen area. Meaty smells struck his nose, and he tried to stretch out the soreness from his posture, gripping onto the blanket around his shoulders. Huh?

He jumped when Ethan came into view from the stairwell. "You know, when I said to relax, I wasn't expecting you to sit at the table waiting for me."

"Who said I was waiting for you? I was waiting for my candy." Keren stretched out his arms. "Did you find it?" He raised his hands when a bag smacked into his forehead to crinkle into his lap. Keren unfurled the clip to shove his hand to grab his first victim to slip into his teeth. It sent a sour tingle through his tongue as he sucked on it, and Ethan returned to the kitchen with a brighter smile on his face. "What about the casino?"

"I got Jesti to cover my tables for the time being. I came back home to check on you, and you were asleep, so I just got dinner started while you were out." Ethan wrapped a towel around his hand to lift the lid off the pot. "He said to tell you 'Happy Starday'."

For the time being.

His appetite dwindled. "You're not going to use a cookbot?"

Ethan glanced at him. "You know how I feel about those. But you just reminded me that I have to direct you on how to properly cook in case I'm not around so I don't have to worry about you starving to death—"

"Ugh." Keren returned his head to his hands.

Someone's hand gave him a pat on the back, but when he looked up, Ethan's dumb face blazed to life. "I won't be having any arguments on the matter. I'm older, so you got to listen to me."

"That's dumb..."

"It's the way life is," Ethan said and returned to the oven. "It's almost ready."

But finally... Happy Starday to me. Keren lifted himself out of the chair to stretch his legs from sitting at the table for the hours Ethan left him alone, in an empty cold house. Energy crawled back through his bones as he paced the entirety of the ground floor, but avoided the door to the basement — Mother never let him even look at the door. When she pressed her for an answer, she gave him a light smile and said, 'I just don't want my little boy spooked by monsters.'

But... wouldn't they be under my bed? She never warned me about that.

Keren didn't believe in monsters under the bed.

Done with his romp around the house, he returned to the dining room table to slip into his regular seat as Ethan set the plates and silverware without another smug word.

Why can't it be like this everyday again? Where there was someone... to talk to.

"Go get your food first," Ethan directed.

Instead of me sitting alone in this house...

Keren studied the seasoned meats and vegetables left to take, and his stomach curled in, but there was no wasting food in their household — and no leaving anyone hungry. He scooped a helping onto his plate before returning to the table, dreading the moment Ethan bounced away, leaving him alone.

Instead, Ethan sat down to dig into his meal.

Keren dropped himself into his seat. "You're actually going to eat with me?"

"I don't have anything to do right now that I can't do here," Ethan mumbled as he opened a datascroll, then pointed with his knife. "Eat."

Keren ate. But it wouldn't be the first time... "Why can't I go to the casino with you?"

"You're a little young to be going to a place like the casino. They're all boring over there anyway." Ethan flicked to another tab. "And I want you to focus on your schooling — and to not get into trouble," he added when Keren opened his mouth to argue. "That's all I need you to worry yourself with, Keren. I can handle everything else." He sucked in his lips, which only accentuated the shadows under his eyes. "Eat."

His stomach screamed, and he picked at his food to take tiny nibbles of the seared meat.

It burned with a single ember, to tower into an inferno to eat at his chest the longer dinner went on, and he found himself unable to stomach the sight of his food. He dug his fingers into the table, and took a drink for his expectation when Ethan's compearl blipped. Another ember to add to the acidic taste in the back of his throat when Ethan sighed and leaned back into his chair. "Yes?"

Keren drowned in his fizzy drink when Ethan blinked. "Father wants me for something? Did he specify what it is?"

It popped the embers further to spread the wildfire, and he longed to drive his fingers forward to break the compearl.

"Tell him I'll be right over..." Ethan's shoulders slumped. "This better be good though." He lifted himself out of his chair, taking his near empty plate with him to set it into one of the heaters. "Yeah, well, just because I'm good with numbers doesn't mean someone else can't do them." He stopped, then huffed. "No, I am not going to disobey Father. I said I'll be right over, Jozten. I can't teleport." He hung up the compearl with a shake of his head. "Here I thought people knew what they were doing but I guess not..." He glanced at him. "I see you also haven't eaten, Keren."

Keren pushed his plate away and drove his teeth into his bottom lip to make himself bleed — for the family. "You know what's funny, Ethan?" he asked, causing Ethan to stop. "You didn't even ask what I actually wanted for dinner. You didn't even think to do that, it's always dropping every single thing to leave before asking me that one simple question: 'Keren, since it's your birthday, I'll let you pick what we have for dinner'," Keren snapped. "So much for that. You said you'd try."

"I assumed you'd want your favourite," Ethan said. "You've never complained before."

"Maybe you're too busy shoving your big head in a slot machine," Keren spat venom. "While I'm here having to walk past Mom's room and know that she's not there anymore. She isn't going to walk through that door and cook for either of us."

"Keren." Ethan came closer.

"I don't even like seared meat," he said, shrill.

Ethan's gaze went in every direction with a tremble of his head. "What are you talking about? Every other day I get you asking me for it; 'heavy on the sauce, Kellzoro'," he mocked. "Can you not be the unpredictable flip-flop in my life, Keren? I cannot take it. I have other stuff I need to worry about then your changing tastes when it comes to how you want your protein prepared—"

"Then go and worry about them since I am so much of a pest," Keren bit. "Drop everything. Go to the casino before you get in trouble."

Ethan rolled his neck and clenched his jaw. "You're something alright, Keren." He headed for his coat to rip it off the stands. "Fine, don't eat, but I'm not making you anything else tonight."

"As if you would." Keren chased him to the threshold.

"Then I don't even know why I do everything in this starsdamned house if everyone thinks so little of me in it," Ethan sent back, and slammed the front door behind him.

It shook the walls.

Keren threw punches into the air at his departure before rushing back to his seat to slam his plate on the counter. Stupid. Anger bubbled into his throat and threatened to burst into a scream as he bumped his forehead off the counter. I don't need him. Keren grabbed his candies from the table, squishing them between his fingers before sliding open the freezer to put them inside for the extra crunch.

Ice crushed the embers in his bleeding soul.

The bag dropped to the ground at his feet.

A baker's plate took much of the space within, with Ethan having shoved everything out of the way for it. Several of his favourite chocolate cupcakes sat in protected casing, and he drew them out. Star candles embedded on the tips, sending sprinkles over the dark frosting practically dripping down the cupcakes. He took it out of the freezer, where it slid closed without prompting.

It chilled his arms as he stared down at the starlit love.

He put it on the table and opened the latch, and he flinched when a starday card slipped out to the table.

Cars purred along the pavement, but he sat there alone, behind the blinds of the windows with the frozen card in his hands.

You're so dumb... you don't put cards in freezers...

But... you're always rushing around... I don't think you even noticed...

Keren sucked in his lips and choked on his stupidity as he cracked the card open. Stars danced along the ridge as he opened the card, and an exal chip fell out to add to his card, but the words caught his attention, carefully constructed in his brother's handwriting, and he frowned at the shaky texture to the written words.

'Happy Starday, Sellzora — next time I'll get you a ship-shaped cake. Promise.'

You promised...

Money was worth nothing, a cake never tasted sweeter when alone.

Nothing in the entire world filled the void Mother left, and Ethan was starting to leave.

I just wanted my brother.