Tatiana's POV

"When you were off the tour and in that accident and engaged to Paul--Michael couldn't take it, Tatiana. He was miserable....that's putting it mildly." Sheryl runs a hand through her hair, sighing out. "One night we came to check on him and he wasn't opening the door so...we had to bust it down. We found him on the floor unconscious. He slit his wrists and overdosed on some medication." she says quietly. "Greg found the note next to him...I swear--you were never meant to see it and..."  

I look down. "Because he didn't want me to know." I finish her sentence as she stares at me and sighs. 

"Tat, he didn't want you to feel worse. He realized he wasn't in the right state of mind and he didn't want to hurt you more than you already were. I mean between the car accident, and him not being able to be there, and Paul and--" her voice goes quiet. "And the miscarriage...he just couldn't handle it. Especially at the thought of losing you..." 

"So what?! I was never meant to know about this?!"

"Tat, he didn't want you to okay?! He didn't want you to feel worse. He realized he wasn't in the right state of mind and he didn't want to hurt you more--"

"Well how do you think I fucking feel now?!" I yell. "If he couldn't have told me why didn't you?!"

"Me?! When you left the tour we all tried to reach out to you! And when you got "engaged" we thought you moved on! And it's not like you would have remembered him anyway with your amnesia!" she throws her hands up.

"So he didn't think I has the right to know when I came back?"

"Tat, he didn't want you to be hurt. I mean...Frank doesn't even know. Greg had to sneak him in the hospital while Ricky and I covered him. It was hard on him Tati...he really was in a bad place...between the accident, and him not being able to be there, and Paul-- God, he was a wreck."

I stay silent looking away.

"Tat, I'm so sorry--"

"I-it isn't your fault...I shouldn't have yelled at you." I say quietly, my head spinning. 

"No, I understand.' she says quietly. I look away as the room grows silent, my thoughts everywhere. 

"Tat, are you okay?"

I nod silently as I play with the note in my hand as tears threaten to fall down my face. "Y-yeah...I just...I just need to go get some air." I say quietly as I get up from the bed grabbing my jacket. I look back at Sheryl sighing out;

"Please don't tell Michael, I know about this..." I whisper quietly as she nods, getting up from the bed. She wraps her arms around me hugging me gently as I hug her back. 

"I won't." she whispers. "Just know Michael loves you more than anything...he didn't mean to hide it from you to hurt you." 

I nod gently giving a soft smile before walking out closing the door. I walk slowly down the hall as the silence fills the room, my thoughts screaming out.

What if Michael really did die? What if they hadn't have found him on time? What if I really did lose him forever?

To come so close to pure love and loose it so violently is something no medication can heal. The thought of losing Michael scares me--but the thought of him losing his life and knowing that he isn't at least breathing and walking on this earth would end me. 

When Michael and I were broke up, it broke me. A constant emptiness filled my heart daily even though I cursed his name in more ways I could count, but actually losing him...

I run a hand through my hair, letting my fingers get tangled in my curls. Life on earth without Michael existing... 

I choke out a soft laugh at the thought. Nothing could take Michael away from earth.  He was invincible, he was immortal, he was perfect...

I keep walking down the hallway that doesn't seem to have no end, my thoughts completely jumbled as if I spent my night getting drunk. 

"How could he do that to himself over me?" I think to myself.

I bite my tongue, trying to hold the tears that threatened to leave my eyes. And that's when I can't hold them back. First, one small crystal bead escapes from my right eye. I can feel the warmth, sliding down my cheek, and rolling off my chin. Then another. And another. Until my eyes flood with them, coming like a rainfall. 

I close my eyes tiredly as I put my head in my hands as I walk. It wasn't just the thought of losing Michael that was making me cry; it was the fact he loved me so much he didn't believe he could live without me. 

Imagining Michael to be that vulnerable was impossible. He loved life more than anything or anyone and appreciates the smallest things and details one wouldn't care or take notice about. How could he hate life so much without me in it?

"Tatiana?" 

I jump turning around as I see Michael stepping out of his room. He's in a silk night shirt with matching pants, his hair damp from a shower. I stare at him as his smile fades noticing my tears.

"Tat? Sweetheart, what--"

I cut him off as I rush into his arms holding him tightly, my head buried in his chest as if he was to disappear in that very moment. 

He stands there stunned as he slowly wraps his arms around me holding me close to him. "Baby doll, what is it?" he whispers as I feel myself slowly break down as I cry softly.

"Please don't ever leave me." I choke out as he looks down at me.

"I could never leave you." He says rubbing my back slowly as he presses his lips against my forehead. "Ssshh....don't cry, I'm here."

"Please...." I cry in his chest, as the sound of his heart beats against my ear in a soft rhythm."I-I need you..."

"You have me." he looks down at me worried as he wipes my tears with his thumb. "What happened?"

"I--"

I stop as I contemplate on telling him about the note. I shake my head quickly looking down;

"I'm just tired..." I say softly as he stares at me. "And I'm just overwhelmed and--" 

"Is it me?" he asks softly. "Tat, if it's us I--"

Even though it was about Michael in a way, it was more of the thought of what could have happened to him...what did happen to him. But I couldn't tell him what I read. I couldn't bring him back to that dark place. I don't think I could even have the strength to see him in such a way. 

He gently takes his hands caressing my face as I notice the faded cuts on his wrists covered with makeup that was now fading away. I feel a strong pain in my chest as I now notice it, realizing the pain he put himself through. 

 "No." I whisper hoarsely cutting him off as I stare up at him. His liquid brown eyes looked down at me in worry, and almost sorrow.  I felt like I was falling into a pool of deep chocolate as my hand lifts of its own accord and it caresses his cheek, touching the corner of his eye. 

"What if I had realized too late that I loved him?" I think to myself, as a huge amount of guilt weighs me down. 

"Him hurting himself is completely my fault. He could have died because of me."  I think to myself as I blink my tears back.

"Please, kiss me..." I whisper softly as he stares at me. He slowly leans in pressing his lips against mine as the world falls away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rests below my ear, his thumb caressing my cheek as our breaths mingle. I run my fingers down his spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between us and I could feel the beating of his heart against my chest.

I take in the feeling of his warm lips against mine savoring every moment as I try to remember it as if it will be the last kiss we share. We pull apart and take shaky, shallow breaths. I stare in Michael's eyes as he holds my head in his hands. Our eyes slowly travel to each other's lips, unable to contain ourselves anymore, Michael pulls me into a fiery and passionate kiss. My hands find myself working their way around his body, feeling and memorizing each crevasse, each line along his perfect physique.

He slowly moves his hands down my waist as he gently pulls me into his room, our lips still connected as he moves to the bed. I lie on my back as he matches my body's form. Michael's hands venture over the curves of my body, exploring. We pull apart and open our eyes, with Michael's staring into mine. 

"Michael...I'm sorry for everything I've done to ever hurt you." I whisper, as soft remnants of my tears roll down my cheeks. He furrows his eyebrows slightly as he moves his hand wiping my tears away. 

"Tatiana....did something happen?" He asks slowly. 

"No..." I whisper. "I-I just was thinking about everything..."

"Sweetheart, look at me." he sighs. "It's all in the past, and I deserved it all. I love you....you are the most wonderful thing to happen to me. All I care about is you and whatever happens in the future will be dealt with. I promise...." he leans down and presses his lips softly against my jaw and trails down to my neck gently, kissing at the sweet spots he knows so well. The feeling of his warm, tender lips makes me relax as his lips meet mine again kissing me deeply. 

As we kiss I roll him over and lie on top of him,  running my lips up his neck and lands a loving and intense kiss on his lips.  He stares in my eyes as he begins to smile, making my heart skip two beats. 

How could life go on without seeing his smile once a day? 

"Are you tired?" he whispers as I nod. 

"You're sleeping here, right?" he asks.  I know it's more of a demand then an option as he slips from up under me as he gets up, walking to his drawers. He pulls out a large t-shirt as I yawn slightly sitting up. 

"You know I could have done this myself." I whisper as he makes me lift my arms up slipping off my shirt and kneeling down to take off my legging. 

"I know...but I want to take care of you." he says simply, making my heart feel slightly heavy. 

I should've been there to take care of him. I should've fought harder to make him understand. Fuck, I should have stopped speeding to avoid the car wreck so he wouldn't have worried and led up to all of it.

He pulls back the covers making me lie back in bed, before he climbs in next to me pulling me in his arms holding me tightly. I rest my head on his chest as I listen to his heartbeat as if it was a lullaby just for me. I couldn't imagine not hearing his heart anymore...

We stay silent, as Michael hums softly rubbing my back as I feel myself relax in his arms slowly. 

"Tati?" 

"Hmm?" 

"What made you cry and think you were gonna lose me?" he asks softly. 

"I don't know..." I whisper. "I guess I just got scared..."

"Don't be." he looks down at me. "I'm not going anywhere, and as long as you have me you don't need to be afraid. I'm not going anywhere." 

I smile slightly as he presses his lips against my forehead. I struggle to keep my eyes open afraid if I wake up, he'd be gone. He looks down at me chuckling softly as if he's reading my mind;

"Don't worry...I'll be right here when you wake up. Go to sleep..." he whispers as I slowly drift off with the sound of his heartbeat singing me to sleep. 

**

I slowly open my eyes awaking to the sound of Michael's soft snores. I slowly roll on my side facing him, as I watch him sleep. 

His head was turned to the side, as loose curls framed his face. His lips remained slightly parted as every soft breath escapes them. His nightshirt was unbuttoned showing his smooth caramel chest that would rise and fall with each breath he takes. 

I find myself inspecting every inch of him, taking in all his beauty, he was so different, it amazed me.   The innocence showed on the his face, the peaceful and serene dreams blocking out the dangers of the outside. The soft breathing making the world seem to stand still.

I watch as he moves his arm, his wrist now exposed as I swallow hard. I stare at him trying to imagine how he looked that night--how he felt. 

I find myself imagining him writing that note, as he blamed himself for everything...how he said his final goodbye to me, how he tried to....

I close my eyes tightly trying to erase the images in my head. As far as I'm concerned--God couldn't take anything so beautiful away from earth. 

"Mmph...good morning baby girl...." his husky voice whispers,as I come back to reality. 

"You're awake..." I blush as he breaks into a sleepy smile as he pulls me closer to him. I press my lips against his jaw as he wraps his arms around my body, kissing my head. 

"How do you feel this morning?" he whispers his voice still deep, coated with sleep. "You had me worried." 

"I'm better...much better..." I smile gently brushing a curl out of his face. "I'm gonna take a shower, okay?" I say giving him  a quick kiss. 

"Mhhhm...I'll take one after you. I'm still out of it, I didn't really sleep." he rubs his eyes tiredly. 

"You never sleep." I chuckle as he yawns, snuggling in the covers more. 

"Because I never have the time, and I always have too much energy." he mutters as I smile shaking my head, getting out of bed heading towards the bathroom. 

I turn on the shower, letting the water get warm as I begin to strip out of my clothes stepping in. I close my eyes, my muscles relaxing as the water hits my body. 

"Can I join?" 

I look up seeing Michael lean against the door biting his lip, staring as I blush peeking over my shoulder. 

"I thought you'd be sleeping." 

"I'd rather be in here with you." he chuckles rubbing his bottom lip, his eyes traveling my body. I feel my face turning warmer as I nod shyly looking away from his hard stare, as he laughs softly. 

He begins to take off his shirt, and suddenly freezes his smile fading as he stares at a plant next to the sink. 

"When did that get here?" he asks as I look over at him.

"I dunno." I hum running my fingers through my hair as he picks it up. He freezes as he slowly pulls out a camera hidden in between the leaves, the red light signaling it was on recording. 

"What--"

"I've had it." Michael says his voice shaking with anger. I freeze staring at it as Michael goes silent.  His eyes were narrowed, rigid, cold, hard. He storms out of the bathroom slamming the door, making everything in the room shake as I jump. 

I quickly jump out the shower, wrapping a towel around me. As I'm about to open the door, I hear Michael shouting in the bedroom. 

"I've had it Frank! I can't even relax in my own environment without them shoving a camera somewhere!! They want to see what "Wacko Jacko" will do! Fine, I'll show them!"  

I jump hearing something crash against the wall.

"Mike! You can't do that! They'll sue, we need that for some type of evidence!" 

"Let them! I don't want her pictures out there! She doesn't deserve that!" 

"Who?" 

"Tatiana! It has pictures of her in the damn shower, Frank! So tell them to sue! I make enough money for them anyway! And you know what?! I'm suing too. Get the hotel manager on the phone." 

"She's in the shower.....here? Are you two--"

"Yes, Frank. We've been seeing each other."

"Mike...I don't think that's a good idea." 

"And why not?" Michael's voice raises. 

"Mike, let's not forget the drama that happened between you both when she was first on this tour. You know that I think Tatiana is a great kid--" 

I roll my eyes as he continues;

 "But you two are toxic together. Let's not forget what happened when she was in that accident and you tried to kill yourself." 

I hear Michael grow silent as Frank continues; "You didn't think I'd know about it?! Trust me kid, it's my job to know everything that happens on this tour. I cleaned up a lot when you two were together and at each others throats and-" 

"And what, Frank? Wasn't it you who told me what a mistake I made letting her go?" he asks quietly. 

"Yes, I did. And if you want to have a relationship with her when this tour is finished, that's fine. But as of now, I highly don't recommend it." 

"My personal relationships have zero to nothing in common with who I am as a musician. I'm not going to make my relationship with Tatiana into some business decision for my reputation. And if you think the media has anything negative to say on it they can just--" he laughs angrily. 

"Tatiana is the only person who makes me feel human. From the look in her eye, to the smile on her face." he chuckles softly. "I get lost in my own dreams with just the mere image of her, Frank. God..." his voice begins to break. "I'm not lonely, or judged when I'm with her. I'm not Michael Jackson the superstar or Wacko Jacko. I'm not strange or the guy "who bought the elephant mans bones". For the first time I'm loved, and accepted..." he says quietly. "I'm not giving that up--even if it kills me. I love her. That's the way she makes me feel." 

I smile lightly feeling my eyes glaze over as I lean against the door. The room grows silent for a moment before Frank speaks; 

'I'm going to find who put that camera in your room...and Michael--" he pauses. "I'm glad you have someone like her." he says quietly before I hear the door close.

I stay silent looking down at my feet. I stand there for a few minutes before finally walking in.

Michael is sitting on the floor, his back against the bed. His knees are to his chest, his head in his hands.

I slowly make my way towards him, getting on my knees as I sit infront of him. I gently rest both of my hands on his knees before he shoots his head up, startled before relaxing.

He stares in my eyes for a moment before gently grabbing my face, pressing his lips against mine before trailing his hands down slipping off the towel that clung to my body.

We ended up making love right on the floor, that very morning.
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Hey, hey, hey.

Hope you guys enjoyed! So later on  going to go back and do some editing on this book to fix mistakes (grammar, spelling, etc.) I might add songs for the chapters too.

Even though at some parts I cringed at how bad some chapters were, you all put up with me. That's some major love right there.

Also, I was thinking about doing like a a special chapter with the characters answering the readers (aka you cutie pies) questions. Yay or nah?

If so, drop it in the comments and ask a question to a specific character in the book!

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Xoxo,

Moonwalkergal