I don't miss you.
I just notice more often what it feels like when you're gone.

I don't think about you.
I just recall every single detail that time forgot.

I do not want you next to me.
I would rather savor the pain beneath the phlegm; and feel your body wrapped around me like my sheets.

I don't pray for healing.
I just fall to my knees and cry.

I do not wish to lie,
So I often find myself lonely, and angry at the fact that you died.

(Feather's POV)

We listened to the sonder thoughts of our psyche as we absorbed an inappropriate silence. We waded in the bliss, driving the embers of coal from out of burning hearts. Tonight we didn't need to feel anything, just the dull numbing of paradise.

Paul spoke mechanically, to the officer who was taking down notes. He carried death in his throat and Ed in his heart.

I watched the sheet being pulled over Ed and the Mayor's body, as the ambulance took their corpses away. I took this moment and held on tightly to Paul.

His lip twinged and I felt the dimensions move across time and space. I knew his whole soul was screaming as he fought the urge to lose it all. He wanted so badly to follow Ed.

I looked at the Sutton blue of his eyes, and saw the dark cracking fractures of light being boarded up, like wood against the wind. About seventy five percent of his body was scratched, bloodied, and swollen but I knew he couldn't feel the physicality of being crushed when so much of him was suffering from heartbreak.

"What motives did the Mayor have for pursuing you?" the officer asked taking his statement.

My knuckles cracked in his tight grip as Paul squeezed my hand, he was on the verge of everything, "I gave my statement to my father!" he snapped.

I decided to step in, "thank you, officer but I insist that my friend and I go home. We lost someone today, and if it's okay with you I would love nothing more than to leave" I said politely.

The officer nodded, turning back to Paul, "your father requested you stay with him tonight."

I had recently learned that Paul's father was the Chief of our city, but something about mentioning his name truly brought out the snarling lion.

"Fuck him," he said cursed.

The officer shrugged, going back to the Chief to relay the message.

"This is our cue" I whispered taking this opportunity to slip away.

Paul looked at me gratefully, as we got in the car, "are we visiting Figs tonight?" he yawned.

I shook my head, "No, the last update I received notified me that he was out of surgery but he is way too groggy and out of it, to have any visitors tonight."

Paul raised a tired eyebrow, his bloodshot eyes looked at me curiously, "I didn't see you on the phone, when did you get this information?" he mumbled.

My voice was shaking, "while...while you were spending time with Ed" I said quietly.

Paul nodded, but his hands tightened around the car steering wheel as we drove home in silence.

Spending time was a gracious phrase, the truth was Paul had to be pried off Ed's body by two officers after he laid next to him just sobbing and hugging him for twenty minutes straight. It was the hardest thing I had to watch, and I cried too.

Paul rested his swollen knuckles on my thighs rubbing them with a sweet gesture, as we made our way down the familiar roads.

I felt helpless because I didn't know what Paul needed. It was fresh, and saying "things will get better, or he's in a better place now" didn't quite seem appropriate. His moods rolled in like dark clouds and I just decided that I would be there for him; a beacon in dark.

We pulled up to my house, and just sat in the car for a moment. Paul took deep choppy breaths through his nose as we sat in silence. He was trembling, as the tears rolled down his eyes.

"I can't..can't..te..te.ll you how I..I feel" he whispered hoarsely. Paul's head slowly tilted towards me, and I saw the ocean spill in his dark Robin blue eyes, covered by wet thick veils of lashes.

Snot dribbled from his bruised nostrils matching the dark purple pigment of his blotched skin. He held fist up, punching the air angrily, as he bawled. "Why him? Why him?" he croaked.

I held his hand saying nothing, as an endless flow of saltwater left his battered face.

Sometimes the only thing we can be for people are people. Even if it's just a physical body, a warm touch radiating in the same matter, or the space between us in the quiet confines of our aching heart.

Paul took a deep breath, forcing a smile, "I just need a shower" he said pulling it together.

I nodded, helping him out the car.

Paul leaned against me with ease, it was the first time trust felt like more than a word. He gave me his prayers so I could savor the healing. He gave me the broken pieces and I didn't feel the pressure to fix them, but just hold them as they are.

He swayed wearily, and I felt the exhaustion in our bones. I couldn't remember when we last ate.

"You get cleaned up, and I'll make something for your stomach!" I promised, nudging him gently.

Paul nodded, lost in the waning sadness that projected into his distilled ghastly eyes. He looked frightful to be honest, as his usually handsome features sunk with torment.

His clothes were torn down to the threads, as he quivered lost in the rumination of his mind.

He looked like a shadow, as the blood dried around his lips and his hunched body shaped like a broken arrow. There was no life in him, no twinkle behind his eyes just funneling tenebrosity.

I turned on the lights, slipping quietly through the house like a stranger. I took a moment to think about how I felt. I was blessed because I had all the people I loved right with me. Besides some sore, stiff muscles. I was okay.

I picked up my cellphone making a call I dreaded.

"Mom, Dad,...Hey, I know you're halfway across the world today, but Xavier has been shot in the foot. It's a long story but he's fine, and so am I. We just need you to come home" I explained leaving a voicemail.

I sighed, opening the fridge, it wasn't unusual for our parents to be gone for long periods of time for business reasons. Both my brother and I were adults, just starting out our twenties. So we were more than responsible but sometimes I wished they valued time over money. If I learned anything today, is that there are no do-overs in death.

"Broccoli soup," I said to myself, pouring the green stew into a pot. This was both soothing and easy for a hurting soul to eat.

I watched the flames kindle under the lighters, it danced in swaying red and yellow patterns. It was hypotonic and soothing, something about controlling the fire within us.

I snapped out of  the trance quickly, as I heard what sounded like a dog yelping. I looked around in confusion only to realize the whimpers were coming from the walls upstairs.

Paul was crying in the shower.

I rubbed my chest, realizing how much I loved him. His pain was my pain and I felt it even before the loud release of anguish that was shuttered in the steady outpour of water. The pipes panged and rattled as if they were joining him in his ode to misery.

I sniffled wiping away a tear. I knew that if I ran up there Paul would stop and never had the cathartic release that he needed. This was was his moment, and he could cry if he wanted to.

I glanced through my window admiring the last remnants of the day departing wistfully leaving an imprint of lemonade hues. Perhaps, there was another way of helping him!

I knocked gently on the bathroom door, "Paul?" I whispered.

"Yeah?" he responded over the steam and vapors.

"Come out on the roof with me please, just grab the robe on the counter don't worry about getting dressed," I instructed.

I could hear the confusion in his crackling voice, "where?" he asked.

"Just come to my room, two doors down, the window will be open, just come out on the roof!" I said already making my way there.

I heard his familiar steps as he shuffled in the bathroom.

"I still have soap in my hair, Feather" he mentioned as he stuck his head out of my bedroom window. His voice sounded a little lighter as he gave me a half smile.

"I just didn't want you to miss this!" I giggled, patting the smooth copper bricks that aligned our roof, as I made him sit.

Paul rolled his eyes, and my heart soared, happy to know that grief hasn't taken his sarcastic charms.

"Why am I sitting on the roof of your house, half-naked?," he asked looking around.

I leaned back taking in the view, "shhhhh just look" I said extending my hands to the universe.

We watched the warm golden pleasures of the sun touch the fading light of the city, filling the corners like it was a coloring book. There was a brilliance behind the lonely light, that centered the fleecy clouds. The planes of time slowed down to marvel at the purple and golden hues dropping behind the line that separated the sky from where it set.

Everything settled in a sleepy sort of way, idyllic and calm, unlike all the battles we had faced today. From our heights, the world was small, people moved like miniature ants in a 3D structure, and that was all we needed to feel like; The God of small things...

We watched the sunset behind the coaster of varied dyes, happy that we got to be apart of paradise.

Paul cleared his throat, looking at me nervously, "I want this" he said in awe.

I felt his emotions pour over me like cold water, I shivered taken by his delights and firm passions, "I want you to stay, okay? I want you to know even before death that I'd loved you" I said gently wiping the tears as they tiptoed down his bristled jaw.

Paul shook his head, brooding with deep muscles, "I loved you wrong, I don't deserve this" he hiccuped sadly, "I didn't deserve Ed, either" he said pitifully.

"Sometimes it's not what we say, or didn't do that matters, it just The Way We Love" I reasoned as crickets chirped in the meadows below.

Paul smiled, kissing my nose, "what would I do without you?" he laughed as we enjoyed the view.

I snuggled in his arms, and we spilled the Bourbon on the sky, and left our lows in the tides. So that we could be drunk tonight, numb of all terrible feelings, as we faded into the black, welcoming a serene and gorgeous starry night.

The End.

Authors Note: Thank you for reading, if you even remotely could stand to read this story for this long then please make sure you vote, comment, and share it with a friend! Oh did I mention it's not over? <3