[OP: "This Will End"--The Oh Hellos]

Sasuke wondered why he felt almost relieved to hear that Shine had changed her mind about him slightly in all this time.

Or why he didn't even care that she was assuming that he had changed his.

Maybe he was still half asleep, he thought.

Aloud, all he said was, "That isn't really that different."

"If you choose to see it that way, that's up to you." Shine was unconcerned. "Can we get back on topic? Are there any memories in particular that keep bothering you?"

Sasuke was too bitter to be as stoic about this subject, so, in a much more emotional voice than he intended to use, he replied, "What ones do you think would?"

"I'm trying to be nice and not guess something that would be upsetting to hear out loud." Calmly. "It's better if you just tell me. Do you really want me to try to poke into all your business?"

She had a point there.

"It's mostly about the massacre," he finally admitted in a low voice. "But I don't want to talk about that again."

"I know..." Shine said soberly. "I think there's a lot you don't want to talk about... It would be better if you did, but it's not the kind of thing I can force. Some things are sacred."

Yet another pause.

But Sasuke couldn't help but think that this was the most respect anyone had ever given the event.

Why was she the person who actually made it seem like it mattered at all? Why her of all people?

He just couldn't figure her out. She made so little of most of his tantrums (which was what they really were) and threats, but she'd turn around and make a lot out of things that other people brushed aside.

And it was so hard to resist feeling more comfortable with it because of that. He literally had to remind himself not to start seeing her as an ally here.

It was ridiculous.

Shine shivered. It was pretty cold at night in Stone Village.

"Let's keep walking," she said aloud. "We have somewhere to get to."

Sasuke followed her, trying to get a grip on himself again.

Soon he realized that they were going toward the nursery/greenhouse.

"Why are we here?"

"Seems safer than just walking around the village," Shine said, walking into the opening to the plot of land it was on. "Anyway, there's no buildings too close here, so you can see a lot of stars."

"Again with the stars...which you could see more of outside of the village anyway."

"But that's a much longer walk," Shine said. "Besides, the village walls block most of the view of the sky, which you know since you sit on the roof so often... Doesn't that get hot?"

"No." Flatly.

"Besides, I like to see the work of our hands here," Shine said. "Have a seat."

She sat on the only paved walkway to it. They'd put that in at some point during the building process.

Sasuke didn't want to but felt stupid standing like a scarecrow, so he finally did.

Shine stared at the greenhouse, which was quite pretty in the moonlight, if you were the type to notice things like that.

"You spend so much time in the world of nightmares, fear, and darkness," she said finally. "But what do you see when you're in the waking world with the rest of us? What did you see in the Village?"

"Is this one of your tests?"

"Do you have a better subject to talk about?"

Sasuke scowled. Then he looked around. "I don't see anything but a city of complacent, selfish people. And a project that was unnecessary and probably won't be that appreciated anyway."

"I thought you might say that. You're predictable."

"If you were as smart as you think you are, then you'd see the same thing," Sasuke said. "People are not good, and they're not angels. Even you own team if full of screw ups."

"Well, you must live in that greenhouse." Shine pointed at it. "Because you certainly seem to see well through your glass walls."

Sasuke wished that wasn't such a good comeback.

"Still, you're not wrong." Shine leaned on her hands. "People are not good. At least not purely good...but they aren't all purely evil. Everyone goes through life with a filter on their eyes, Sasuke. Some people filter out more good and some more bad. We call them optimists and pessimists when we want to be nice. Now, I won't try to convince you that you're wrong, but out of curiosity, is there anything in the world that would convince you that you're mistaken? Or how could someone convince you that you are?"

"How could I know?" Sasuke said tightly.

"You've passed judgment on the world," Shine said. "There's a reason to judge...but there could be a counterbalance to the evidence. Counter evidence, if you will... Is there anything that you think they could do to make things better?"

"Nothing that would ever happen," Sasuke said. "Even if everyone stopped doing the evil things they do, they'd still have done them in the past... Nothing can change that."

He paused, and then he said slowly, "I suppose it's just that I don't really want to change my mind and I never really have. I prefer to think this way."

"I suppose you do." Shine didn't argue. "Why?"

"I don't know... I always have."

"Not always, I think...but for a long time."

"I don't know," Sasuke repeated. "Perhaps it has something to do with the curse and all the pain of the past. Maybe I'm just like this naturally... Other people have had losses and haven't decided what I have. Either they're delusional or I am, but I've never seen any way to measure that. Everyone just does as they please. They say that I do, but who of them is any different?"

"You're right," Shine agreed, to his surprise. "They aren't. Most of them. You and Naruto certainly have that in common. You both do as you wish, and you don't ever stop to think if you should."

She looked at him finally. "Naruto is selfish too. I'm not delusional about that. And he could hurt people with his actions just as often as he helps them. Him helping them is more of a happy accident for how little he thinks about what he does. But he does have the advantage over you of his choices making him happy. And yours don't."

"Happiness doesn't prove that you're right," Sasuke replied.

"No...it doesn't. You can be happy doing the wrong thing." Shine sat back now. "It's difficult to answer this without some kind of faith in a Higher Power. In fact, it is impossible. Most people say the greater good is what tells us who's right, but the greater good is subjective too, if you have no higher power. I think the greater good is that people learn to care for each other and to live honestly and be content. That's a huge difference from the ninjas' greater good of serving and power accruing. So who is right? We can't both be right. You and Naruto can't both be right...but you can both be wrong. There are many ways to get an answer wrong. There is only one way to get it right."

"There can be more than one correct answer," Sasuke argued. 

"Oh, maybe if the question doesn't matter that much," Shine said. "Like your favorite food or color, but that's because there's no really wrong thing, just preference. But there are real moral questions that can have only one answer. Murder is either wrong or right. It can't be both. People can debate about what is murder, but not that murder itself is a concrete issue. So you see, it's true."

"Is there a point to this?"

"My point was that your problem with the world is part of the reason why you can't escape your past," Shine said candidly. "You have nowhere to go. Everywhere you look you see nothing but evil and disappointment. The world is full of pain, but it is also full of pleasures and beauty... They live side by side. But you can close your eyes to one."

"Do you think the whole world is just waiting for you to help it?" Sasuke said. "That they're interested in improving?"

"Of course I don't. The world is my enemy."

"Then you're no different than I am."

"We don't act enough alike for that to be true," Shine said. "Perhaps I do have a penchant for pessimism, but I've worked to fight that most of my life. It's easier for me to not hope for things because I hate to be disappointed, but no hope is like no life. And do you feel as if you walk in death?"

That summed it up pretty well, actually... Sasuke looked down.

"But you don't want to be pulled out of it," Shine said. "Is that because for so long you've been this way, and you're scared to know what it's like outside of it? You feel you'll burn up in the light of day outside the darkness?"

"Don't try to sound clever," Sasuke said tightly. "There's no way out...and I stopped looking for one. It didn't matter to me. Now it's too late."

"It's not too late," Shine said firmly. "While there's life, there's hope. But if you believe that it is too late, certainly you will not do anything about it. A convenient lie to tell yourself...or to listen to from something else."

Sasuke's skin prickled like she'd just hit some kind of nerve--but he had no idea why. It wasn't that strange of a thing for her to say.

"I think it's time for you to make up your mind about it," Shine went on somberly. "Do you want help? Do you want out of this cage you've been in for years? I don't know if it's your fault or your brother's or those other friends' you worked under, but it doesn't matter--you're in it now. If you want out, we'll work nonstop to help you. I would work all night many nights in a row to help someone if they wanted it...though I might get a little grumpy about it. But I'll deal." With a wry smile. "But it has to be what you want. If you don't like the darkness...that's all we need to know."

She leaned forward again now. "But if you like it...then you might as well just leave us now."

Sasuke was startled. "What?"

"I won't have you waste your time with us. If you aren't going to do anything differently and aren't going to even let us try...well, you shouldn't be here. No sense getting your friends' hopes up for no reason. I appreciate that you gave this a chance, but you can't always be in limbo, Sasuke."

Sasuke didn't like where this was going.

"What if I really don't know yet?"

"I think you do." Shine looked him right in the eye. "I think you've sensed the answer for some time now. Come on, you knew even before we left what you really did this for. I hope I was right about what it was...but if not, then you got me... Only it won't be me who will regret that for the rest of my life... I regret nothing about trying to help you. It was the right thing to do. But I need to focus on people who need it, as I said...and who want it. I'm not your tool either. You can't just use me to pave your way into the villages and then walk away as if nothing happened. I won't let that happen."

She frowned and folded her arms. "And I can tell if you're doing it. You're not hard to read. But if I couldn't, other people here can detect lies...so don't think you can use us and hide the truth of it forever... I don't really think that's what you were doing, entirely, but you'd be the judge of that, wouldn't you?"

Sasuke shifted, not liking this even more.

"Is this an ultimatum?" he said.

"It might be. Only because I cannot keep doing this. I'd stay up all night to help with this stuff if you want this to work...but if you don't...I can't do this. I'm sorry."

https://youtu.be/Gwb1-8gQS44

[AMV by Itachi5588Gaara to "How to save a life"--The Fray]

Sasuke felt angry...and perhaps partly it was at himself, but also at her.

"Why do this if you think you were wasting your time?" he said, turning away from her.

"I don't think it was a waste of time. I don't think you were a waste of time."

Sasuke flinched at those words.

"But are we?" Shine pressed. "Do you want to be here, really?"

"And what if I don't? What if I did just want to use you this whole time?" Sasuke felt as if he was getting worked up despite himself, and it showed. "What would you do then?"

"Can you look at me please?" Shine asked.

Sasuke didn't. "Maybe that's all it was," he said. It felt like a lie as he said it, but he still went on. "Maybe I like being this way. I'd never be as idiotically cheerful as the rest of you."

"Sasuke," Shine said in a more stern voice.

Sasuke finally turned. He half thought he was about to get smacked again.

But Shine was leaning on her knees now, giving him a very fierce look. "Do I look cheerful to you right now?"

Well, she didn't.

"Maybe all that was true, but it didn't sound convincing," Shine went on, fiercely. "You don't really like this, do you?"

Sasuke's control was wavering... It was never that strong to begin with, and even Naruto had pushed him to admit the truth at times.

Suddenly his facade broke, momentarily, and he just looked scared and maybe slightly ill. 

"I..." He put his head in his hands. "I don't know how to be any different... All of you are right--I'm a terrible person. But I've never been anything else but selfish. The darkness was already there... What could I do but embrace it? Once, I thought the path went two ways, but now I think it only went one."

"But you made a choice." Shine said something that wasn't that comforting.

"I chose it, but there was nothing else to choose."

"That is a lie. If you chose it, then you knew there was another option. Sure, you might have thought it was just struggling uselessly against the current, and that you'd end up in the same place, but it's more noble to fight evil even if you think you can't win than not to fight it at all."

"Why does it matter now?" Almost on the verge of a break down from his tone.

Shine didn't waver. "Simple: If it was a choice, you can make a different choice." As if it was easy. "Choose to fight it instead. Maybe you won't win, though I doubt it if you truly wanted to win, but, at least the fight itself is more noble. And you've tried everything else."

She gestured as if explaining herself. "If you choose that, I also can believe that, in the end, you'll succeed... Do you remember the Beatitudes we read in Mist Village? You were eavesdropping on that conversation, right? One of them is 'blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.' Evil works the same way."

She looked at him carefully. "So what will it be?"

Sasuke calmed a little... He realized that Shine's entire method here might have been to get to this point...that maybe she was saying that the bad dreams and all the rest of it were all part of this...that he had to go either right or left.

One thing, though...he couldn't go on the rest of his life...not if the torments of the darkness in his family and his soul were waiting for him.

Goodness was not in him...and he was relying on the compassion of people whom he didn't even like that much to even survive this trip, which was not even that difficult by mere logistics...but had been nothing but difficult for him because of his internal battles.

Maybe Shine was just telling it how it was. She couldn't do anything else for him if he didn't want to be better. She had tried helping him indirectly, and it wasn't fixing any of his personal problems.

Why was she trying so hard anyway?

He remembered that Dabi had mentioned something about that...and he got an idea.

"Before I answer," he said aloud, "I want to know something else. You're so insistent on this...this way of yours...and that you're not as innocent as people think you are...so what is it that you think you had to be saved from?"

Shine blinked at him, then she laughed dryly. "That's a good question. I really thought you'd never ask me that..."

She crossed her arms and leaned back on a rock in the yard.

"When I was a kid," she said slowly, "I was raised to believe in Christianity. And I did believe it, but even as a kid, fears and darkness began to intrude into my life and poison it. It started small...but it got bigger with time. I believed in God but didn't feel I had the power to fight the darkness. I thought it was stronger than me and it would turn me to its will... My father told me some terrible stories about that that didn't help, but I think also it was just my battle--whether or not I could trust myself... Of course we can't trust ourselves entirely, but we need to at least think we want what we think we want, to feel secure...and I didn't. I was afraid I could be evil without wanting to be...like the Tailed Beasts. Then I began to have trouble with my father also and to be treated like I already was the bad guy, though I didn't mean to be. It just confirmed what I was afraid of...and I began to be more afraid still. It got to where I didn't have a moment's peace from it all, every day... Looking back now, I can't believe that I lived in such constant fear. I now wonder how I didn't have a breakdown from it. I ran from God in those years. I thought the problem would get worse if I was close to Him. His power scared me. I thought the light would bring out the darkness inside me that I was sure was there."

She was looking at the sky while talking, not at Sasuke, so she missed how shocked he looked.

He thought she was making this up to mock him, but then he realized that she sounded dead serious. And Shine didn't seem like she'd lie about this kind of thing.

Shine paused for a second to gather her thoughts, then she went on. "Well, I wasn't a nice person back then either. Then it came to a head. Through a series of events, I came to face my fears with God. I realized that I couldn't have total control and save myself...so I finally gave it to Him."

She smiled oddly to herself. "That night I felt peace for the first time in my entire adolescent life... I knew it was different...and after that my fears ebbed way... I was basically neurotic back then... Most of the fears just went away. Some I still have, but I fight them much better now. And they haven't completely gone, but it's never been as bad. Now I know that they can be defeated. I didn't know that before."

She finally looked back at him. "Oh, it's not a smooth journey. I still struggle with things...but that's not new...because when I struggled with them, I felt like I lost. I chose fear every time... Now I usually choose to do the brave thing instead. I really think I wouldn't be alive now if I hadn't made that choice. God was reaching out to me, helping me get there... It felt so intentional, what happened. I always hoped that one day I would understand...and I finally did. That's why I don't let this go." She hugged her knees. "People tell me it's not real all the time. That it's foolishness and that I'm wrong. You really think this is the first place that has done that? I could get it in my own neighborhood easily enough. This is not popular at home, nor anywhere else I've ever been...and people have tried to kill me over it before. That, and I have a big mouth." She shrugged. "But you can't give up something that gave you life. Not if you truly understood what happened to you. People who walk away didn't have that experience. I've thought about walking away before--we all do--but I couldn't do it. I would know I was lying to myself if I did."

She tugged her hair. "Maybe that doesn't sound like the great wickedness that you wanted, but trust me, for me it was pure misery... I believe that many people are less unhappy doing things that the world sees as evil than I was not doing those things outside but feeling it inside. You really don't have to be a villain to hate yourself. Though the villains I know tell me it almost makes it easier to see why."

Sasuke was quiet for a while.

Finally, he said, "So you were weak...and this is what makes you strong?"

"I am still weak," Shine laughed. "All this stuff you see in me is just a gift... It's not me. Inside, I still have fears and failings...but they don't control me now. You can lose the battle with them, but they don't win the war. I'm...more okay with it now." She tilted her head. "To a shinobi maybe it doesn't make any sense. No one likes to be weak...but we can't really help that we are. Accepting it and asking for help is the only sensible thing to do. And I'm talking to myself here as much as you. I still need to remember this every day. Did I answer your question?"

Sasuke nodded.

"We should get back," Shine said. "If they notice we're gone, they'll freak out. Karin might be waiting for us anyway. Come on, Little Lion Man."

"What?"

Shine was up already, and he stood too.

"Not now," Shine said. "Some other time. It's catchy though."

"It's stupid."

"A lion is a very dangerous animal. You should be flattered."

"The little part is not very flattering." Sasuke frowned.

"Well, compared to me you are kind of little," Shine said. "All of you are. Don't get so worked up for stupid things. It's better than Cactus Prick anyway. Though, that one is pretty funny."

"It's irresponsible that you encourage that."

"Why? You insult them all the time." Shine shrugged. "Why should I stop them and not you? Come on."

She headed back to the compound.

Sasuke followed her, lost in thought, but when they were close, he finally said,

"Even if I decided I did want to change, I can't be sure it would happen. Even you've observed that I change my mind constantly, and I could change my mind later."

"You might have doubts, but I think that you could make up your mind, really," Shine said. "Let's do this: If I wake up tomorrow, and you are still here, I'll take that as meaning for now you want to work on getting better. Which means you'll have to show the effort. And if you change your mind after that, then I guess I was warned."

"But what would even change?" Sasuke said. "What else is there to do?"

"I guess you figure that out." Shine shrugged again. "I think the most important decision is what you want."

"Fine," Sasuke said. "I guess that's...fair...enough. But it doesn't make us friends if I decide to stay."

"I really think you need to understand that I don't really want to be your friend," Shine said, with sass. "I'm your teacher. But you're not the best student, and I just want to see if that can get any better. Why do you keep bringing up the friendship thing?"

"Maybe I'm just used to it, from the others," Sasuke sassed her back.

"Well, adjust your expectations then," Shine shot back, not daunted. "I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow...maybe."

"Whatever," Sasuke grumbled.

But he had no intention of leaving, and he knew it.

https://youtu.be/qX5HP0aYo98

["Alive Again"--Matt Maher]

* * *

Day 40:

The following morning, Sasuke was still in the room when Sai woke up.

Not standing on ceremony, Sai asked him, "What did you and Shine-sensei talk about?"

Sasuke had been lost in thought since getting back in and consequently was not as focused on being mean to Sai as usual (really, he didn't even hate Sai that much; he was more indifferent).

"Just about whether or not my time here is doing me any good," he said flatly. 

He knew Sai had no reason to care, so he could answer honestly without raising either hopes or getting mocked relentlessly.

Sai took the answer much more seriously than the other critics of Sasuke would have, proving his expectations were correct.

"Why wouldn't you know the answer to that already?" he asked blankly.

He didn't ask it as if he cared that much about it except from a philosophical point of view, so Sasuke answered,

"It's one thing to just kill time here, but Shine wants me to commit to really making changes, or she thinks I'm wasting my time here."

Honestly, he almost wanted someone else to bounce the idea off of, even if they were Sai, just so he could hear if it sounded stupid outloud.

Sai didn't think it did.

"So if you're just using them, she doesn't want you around?" He caught on fast. "That's reasonable. Shine-san is not a fool."

"I know that," Sasuke said, again, only because it was Sai. He'd never have admitted it to anyone else. "She's pushing me now. She didn't before."

"I don't know much about these things," Sai said. "But in training, usually you push someone harder when you think they're getting stronger."

Pause.

Sasuke looked up.

Maybe Sai, in his simplistic view of life, actually had hit on it much faster.

He folded his hands under his chin like an old man.

"Stronger at what?" he said slowly. "Not at being a 'good' person, certainly."

"No," Sai said. "I don't really know. But I do know that Shine-sensei sees things other people do not. She's an unique person. I like talking to her, because things seem more clear afterwards."

"She could be wrong," Sasuke said, as if he was laying it out for court. "Then what?"

"I almost think that, if she is wrong, I don't want to know the alternative," Sai said. "That is, in how she views life. She values people above power, and, if that is wrong, I would be afraid to know what is right."

"You're supposed to be unsentimental, right?" Sasuke said, with the first real interest in Sai he'd shown so far. "So you're objective. Is it worth it to try to change for something you're not even sure you really believe in? What's the point of this if you know you're not going to succeed?"

Sai thought about it.

"When I try to understand how people feel," he said, "I know I'm not going to succeed most of the time...but I will not succeed any of the time if I do not try."

Sasuke stared at him.

"But if you don't really believe in any of this, why did you join to begin with?" Sai asked, just genuinely curious.

"I suppose I thought it was different," Sasuke answered honestly. "And going on the same way with Leaf, or outside it, sounded like hell."

"According to their book, it would be hell to keep doing what you do," Sai agreed. "I've never liked you, you know."

"I know." Sasuke didn't care. "Why would you?"

"I'm glad you don't think any differently," Sai said, with a look that was hard to read. It was somewhat sassy but could have been just his deadpan delivery.

"Still, they convinced you to do something I really never thought you would do," Sai went on. "Which is join a group of people who were not trying to destroy the world. I might think that was a miracle, if I was quite sure what a miracle was."

That was almost funny.

"I guess it is strange." Sasuke rubbed his face. "I don't know why. It just seemed like the thing to do. It's been a month, and I still don't know what draws me about this. I've never cared about being good before."

"I see," Sai said. "I haven't either." He sat down on his bunk as if now he was deep in thought. "I suppose I do now."

"Why? Because of them?" 

"I think it started with Naruto and Sakura," Sai said.

Sasuke scoffed. "They're not that good."

"Perhaps they are flawed more than I thought," Sai said. "Though, I'm starting to think I never really liked Sakura that much... Still, she's part of our team, and she's better than the Foundation."

Sasuke knew how low that bar was, based on the snippets he'd heard about it and from meeting Danzo.

"You know, that reminds me, I killed Danzo," he said. "Did you know that?"

"The heroes told me you didn't actually. He blew himself up," Sai said.

"Well, it was because of me."

"I really don't understand why he would do that," Sai said. "But I can't say I felt sorry to hear it... Perhaps that's wrong, but Danzo is the reason I didn't feel anything at all... In that way maybe it's fitting if I didn't feel sorry for him."

That was almost funny. [I mean, you get what you ask for, right?]

"Do you think I should care?" Sai asked, like it was a medical question.

"I don't really have any opinion on this," Sasuke said flatly. "It's just unusual. And I don't see the connection between Naruto and Sakura and the DJs and heroes."

"There's some correlation," Sai contradicted him. "They believe in loyalty and connections with people...just in different ways. The DJs believe more in freedom of choice. That's not a familiar concept to me, but it's nice to have people care what I think and not tell me what to think and want."

Sasuke guessed that was a part of the reason that he was still here.

"If I could just figure out what I did want..." Sai added as an afterthought.

Yeah, that summed it up.

"But I have a question for you," Sai refocused. "Why would you not want to improve? If you don't, you might as well be dead."

Sasuke fingered the edge of his bunk moodily. "Before, I tried to get darker... That didn't work for me. It seems pathetic to want to be good, knowing full well I can't do it anyway, just because the other way didn't work."

"This may be a rude thing today, but isn't it more pathetic to try to keep being dark if you know it's not working?" Sai asked innocently.

Again, hearing it from someone who didn't have any emotional investment in it made it sound clearer.

Sasuke glanced up again.

Sai just stared at him without any indication he noticed what he'd said.

"Was it rude or not?" Sai asked then, holding up his pen and notebook.

It was just too ridiculous. Sasuke had started to develop a sense of the ridiculous after being around people who actually didn't take themselves so seriously all the time.

He shook his head. "I actually don't really know... I don't really care either way. I just asked for an objective opinion."

"Hmm." Sai wrote that down. "It's a shame I still think you're a traitorous cockroach. If you weren't, I would probably prefer someone who didn't care about that. Everyone else is always upset over something I can't understand."

"Either they're upset about nothing or they care for some unfathomable reason," Sasuke observed bitterly. "I need to think."

"That's always a good idea," Sai said with a straight face.

[Lol, I love him.]