[OP: "Dear Wormwood"--The Oh Hellos]

["Undo"--Rush of Fools]

https://youtu.be/L9PKYMDvNB8

Shine looked at the moon again.

"Babe, can you come in now?" she asked.

Sasuke was in such a state that he was barely surprised when Wally came in. He didn't care at the moment if he'd been listening.

Wally came and sat next to Shine and then took her hand and kissed the back of it.

"You're doing great," he told her. "Just tell him the truth."

"That's all I can do," Shine said. "But this comes from both of us, Sasuke, as both of us will have to admit it to you."

She sighed. "It's not that complicated, but I want you to try to understand it, please, when I say it. Simple things can be hard to understand. I know that none of what I've said is going to be enough for you."

Sasuke looked at her steadily... He hoped he was calm, but...no, he thought he was just tense now.

The wrong thing said would have pushed him into a spiral.

But he had no idea what she'd say.

"I've known this the whole time," Shine said. "I cannot lift your burden."

Sasuke blinked at her questioningly.

She went on as if he'd said it aloud.

"I know I can't," she said. "All the love we could pour into someone...and you've seen us try, with you...but it's never enough. It never will be enough."

Hearing her admit it was like hearing her admit defeat, Sasuke thought.

Somehow he felt crushed for more than just because it was hopeless for him... He almost felt as if Shine shouldn't have to admit defeat. Not after all her effort.

"You knew it wouldn't be enough, and you still did it?" he said in a low tone. "Why did you waste your time with me?"

"I told you it was a waste of time," Shine said. "I actually am glad now that you've seen how useless it is for us to love you."

Okay, she'd done it. Even at a time like this she managed to completely shock him.

"What?" He almost gasped in surprise.

Wally just nodded somberly, like he'd known.... How did he know?

"I told you you'd have to decide sooner or later," Shine said. "And the time is now, I think. Sasuke, I do love you. Even Wally does, in his way."

"A very odd way," Wally said. "I don't feel much of it like her, but I do care, buddy."

Even that bit of kindness made Sasuke feel more like a worm than ever, but he was focused more on what Shine was trying to tell him now.

"But we're not the point," Shine said. "And we never were. Sweetie, it's all God. The reason our love means nothing to you is it's not enough. This is a lesson I learned a long time ago, and it's been summed up well by someone else who works with people as hopeless as you, that 'only God heals'. Whatever we all do--and we can help, we can try, and we can get you to the doorstep--but God is the one who lets you in. God is the one who can make that pain go away. I can't lift your burden, and Wally can't either. The Word says to share our burdens... That is all we can do. We can help each other carry them to the cross...but like the pilgrim in that old story, we can only drop those burdens at the cross." [A reference to Pilgrim's Progress.]

Unbidden, the memory of her calling him "Pilgrim" at the start of this journey came back to Sasuke.

He saw in a flash that Shine really had always known this...

She always, always had known what the end of this would be.

Unusually, he suddenly felt almost a warm feeling, of admiration perhaps...

To do this, to be willing to put all her effort into him knowing it would never be enough, just so that in the end he'd figured it out for himself...that was almost so foolish it was beautiful in a way.

He knew it took her more courage to do that than it ever took him to hate, because he wouldn't have dared to do anything that he thought would get him so little in return.

Maybe it was scary, but it was brave and it was kind, and he knew that...and he almost felt like he could have felt something in return for her for it. Not much--he was still too small for that--but he knew he might have come to see her as he used to see his family.

Even Wally, at the moment, seemed like a wonderful person, for he must have supported Shine doing this the whole time, meaning they'd done the same thing.

If someone in the past had been that way with him, he thought maybe he would never have felt so unseen by them when he was younger...but he thought he still would have gone to the dark side.

Because hurting people like that, it was worse than anything else, because you knew how little they deserved it...

And he was going to lose these two eventually, he realized, so he'd been determined not to get attached.

But they had anyway...and he had responded because they never demanded he did. That was why he had started to return it, though not freely.

And now that it came to the point, they knew it wouldn't be enough.

And he knew it too...

So...what was he supposed to do?

And while he was listening, it was like another voice began to talk to him... It was such a light voice that it was almost just a thought in his head, but it was a new thought:

"The only way to repay them," it said to him, "would simply be to accept what they are saying, that if they were sent here to help you by Something that could not speak to you directly Itself, that Something must be a very good Something. That all they want is for you to know that the way they did, and that is the only repayment they could ever get from you. That is their hope, and you knew it was from the start. Did they hide that from you? No. They always told you that."

And so they had. The voice was right.

It...seemed clear enough now.

Shine had said he'd have to choose, and he saw that he did.

Either he believed what they said, that they did all this for the sake of Another who was much better than them--and if this was what His followers were like, He must be--or...

Or he would turn his back on it, and he would never hear from them again.

Thinking this, he knew he was on the edge of a precipice...and he felt kind of sick and kind of dizzy.

But when he spoke he almost sounded calm, strangely enough.

"If I understand you, then all this is just because you wanted me to know that your God was the only way," he said. "And if I don't take it...then this all ends."

"Well, I wouldn't force you to leave," Shine said. "But it's a given that if you reject that, usually you'll die inside anyway...that soon it would just be a formality for you to leave us... There's a true saying that Jesus said, that whoever receives us, receives Him, because we are like Him. And if we receive Him, we receive his Father. That's how it works. You get to the large things by first reaching the small things, and if you strive with us the way you would strive with God, if He spoke to you directly."

"And why didn't He, if you're so sure?" Sasuke said.

Shine shrugged. "It's not for everyone, to confront God one-on-one without the help of other human beings. The effects of that would be too overwhelming for most people. Those without a pure heart can't see Him without our help. That's why the word says, 'The pure in heart shall see God.' I've heard of some people who really wanted to know God, and He appeared to them, without the aid of anyone else...but not many of us are pure in heart. I can't say I didn't need human help. And you do too. It is because we are lesser and unclear copies of Him that you can look at us at all...but that can change."

"She's right," Wally said. "We're not nearly as good as the real thing, but that's kind of the point. I know I felt like that when it happened for me."

Sasuke nodded.

At this stage it just made sense to him. He didn't feel like arguing about it.

Yes, God must have expected that Sasuke would never talk to Him. He had hated God, if he'd acknowledged Him at all, until recently.

And the kindness of this Being was more than he expected--It had even tried to change his mind.

"Then why did He want me at all?" Sasuke asked. "Aren't I the most worthless person in this team?"

"He would want you more if that were true," Shine said simply. "I don't believe that is true, but if it is, God loves the worthless things most of all because they need it the most. He isn't like you people--or like any people who value strength. He values humility."

Sasuke had to think about that.

His mind had been clear for a few minutes, but, perhaps because it was getting too close for comfort for the evil inside him, he suddenly felt a wave of fear and dread again.

It wasn't like a voice--it was too senseless to be a voice--but the impression was to stop now. To not even think of doing what he'd been considering, that it would never work for him.

This is what he was... This was what he would always be. Nothing could change that, and he didn't want it to.

The feeling shook him so much that he began to breath harder.

Seeing it, Shine and Wally understood what was happening.

Wally began to mutter some prayers, as he wasn't sure what else to do.

Shine reached out and took Sasuke's shoulders.

"Hey, listen to me," she said intensely. "It has never been our decision...but it is not theirs either, Sasuke. Do not let the voices of others make you doubt what you really want. It is not for us to choose your fate--it's not for them, not for Itachi, not for Orochimaru, not for Obito, not for Madara, not even for you parents or your teammates or your enemies, to decide what you will do. Only you."

Sasuke looked up at her--his eyes were red.

And they were full of hate, but Shine didn't somehow think it was really his hatred at all.

She felt as if she was seeing the Sharingan at work again, as if all that hate that it carried inside it for generations of Uchiha, that had infected Sasuke, was staring at her.

And it was no doubt clouding Sasuke's mind too, she was sure of it.

It had been hard enough for him to begin with, but his family's curse made it still harder.

She put a hand to his head.

"I see what's going on inside," she said. "We can help you with that part...but only one thing can change what you really are... There is no escaping from your own sins, Sasuke. From your family's, yes, we could always do that...but that's the least of it. You have to face yourself. If you can do that, you can do anything."

She smiled faintly. "It's up to you... If you're not strong enough, He will help you. We will...but you have to want it, I told you that before...so try to shut up what everyone else is telling you and ask yourself that, right now...and then let the answer just come."

She lowered her hand.

At her touch, the feeling had gotten a little fainter, as if it almost knew that Shine was not afraid of it.

The panic inside of Sasuke's mind abated slightly too... He understood suddenly that this was always how he felt whenever he got close to a breakthrough. When he began to try, he felt this fear and this crushing guilt and anger too...

He'd always thought it was him who was that way...and it was him; it was him the way that the curse mark had become a part of him. At one point he hadn't wanted it, but then he'd let it happen...the same with the Uchiha curse. He was it and he wasn't.

And he never knew who he really was. He was torn between so many different people and things, and he had been for so long he'd lost all sense of himself.

He was almost flattered to hear Shine say that she thought he could look past it all, because it was more than he believed he could do now...but she thought he could...

Sasuke saw that if he didn't at least try, he wasn't going to know why he was really doing things himself.

It took immense willpower, but he tried to push aside the feeling--it wouldn't go...

Fine, if he pushed through the fear, maybe he could at least think around it...

In a way, his fear was so pathetic, it made no sense even to him... What was it that he really wanted?

He had to answer that, he had to, or he'd never have a self...let alone a good self.

Before he was full of anger, hadn't he wanted to please his family? Back then...

Things were messed up even then, but at least he hadn't been the one who was messing them up...

Yes...he was sick of that. He was sick of being the problem... Also he was sick of doing the wrong thing... He was sick of being the wrong thing.

That was it.

And, as if he'd made it angry, it was as if the Sharingan flooded his mind full of memories.

He'd done the wrong thing so many times now... He started to see them in front of his eyes almost like they were happening again: When he'd run from Leaf; when he'd given into the curse mark the first time and nearly killed people; when he'd killed more people at the Summit; when he'd tried to kill Karin and then Sakura...when he'd wanted to kill Naruto.

When he'd mocked the people who'd tried to help him and then turned away in scorn every time.

Every time he did something that they all should hate him for, and he did hate himself for it.

Whether it was him or some cursed power, didn't matter, because he'd stopped fighting it, and that made it his mistake...

He covered his face, trying to block it all out.

Then the tears came after all... Sasuke had cried when he could think of nothing to do and when he'd failed...and come up short. Always.

But he was crying almost from shame this time...and for the horrible feeling that all this had been inevitable...that he'd never truly escaped them for one minute.

https://youtu.be/mocYQVAj3K0

[AMV to "Dare You to Move" (Switchfoot) by NarutosChik.]

The feeling got so heavy on him, he sank into the ground, sobbing.

It wasn't a pretty sight, but Shine and Wally didn't care. They'd been there themselves, or seen other people like this before, and it wasn't new.

Shine put a hand on Sasuke's head gently enough. He didn't get up when she did it...just kept crying, silently, but she could feel how he was shaking.

Wally felt bad for the kid... After all, whatever he'd done, he was such a young person, it wasn't fair that he'd been put into these evil situations by people and driven mad by them and never really known the truth of what happened, ever. It would have made anyone bitter and broken... It was something that he'd fought this long to even have a chance at his own life. Someone else might have given in to the despair of it all a long time ago.

Shine wished she could help, but she was too wise not to know that she couldn't. He had to let it out and face it himself. All she had to do was wait till he had.

Slowly, in the mire of these feelings, Sasuke began to get a sense that he'd come to his deciding point.

There was nothing left to hide from...

He knew now what the choice was, and what it had always been...

But it was so...frightening, to face up to it. The thing he'd been unwilling to face was that he could do nothing at all to help himself... That was his greatest fear...

And now...he saw that was his choice.

Either he could keep trying to fix the problems with the methods he'd used--and they didn't work, but he had preferred to use them rather than admit that--or he could admit he had nothing left and no chance of changing himself, and this was all there was for him.

For most people, it would have been easier to choose the second, but for Sasuke it was as if some had asked him to pluck out his own eyes again or to cut off his arm.

He wanted to find any other way to relieve this feeling...to not have to give up his sense of control, however slight it was.

And, as if it was like a line of pictures, he saw that, the rest of his life, all he would ever do was run and hide and hate and fear and fight...and he would never feel any less pain.

No, he could drug himself with anger and with keeping his focus on other things, but he'd never really heal--and maybe, against all odds, he'd started to wish he could just heal.

Then maybe he wouldn't just be surviving; he'd actually felt Iike he was alive, for once...whatever that felt like.

What they had...it gave them hope, and he had never had hope...not for longer than a few fleeting seconds.

Strange that now he was grasping at it, trying to hang on to it, he was starting to let it go.

Maybe his decision was really already made then, but it took him several minutes to find the courage to speak again and to sit up a little.

Wally handed him some tissues.

Sasuke rubbed his face with them, trying to clear his head.

"I will never have peace if I go my own way, will I?" he asked.

He knew the answer, but he wanted to hear them say it one more time, he thought.

They shook their heads.

"Not just you," Shine said. "I never would have either. I know it now."

"Yeah," Wally agreed. "No one can."

"I'm still afraid," Sasuke said, in a shaky tone. "So afraid that I think I might be sick again...but, I can't keep on like this. I just...I can't." He shook his head. "I think I'll die...or I might as well have died..."

He paused. It really was the hardest part, but finally it burst from him like a dam breaking.

"I need help."

And once he said it, he felt different.

As if he'd been released from something that was choking him.

Shine smiled, as if she could see it.

"You can have help," she said. "All the help you need. Just ask."

Sasuke looked at her and then out the window, where the morning sun was coming in...

"Okay," he said in a small voice, and it was the meekest voice Wally had ever heard him use. "I'm...asking now..."

It got very still.

Not just outside--the three of them didn't hear so much as a cricket in that moment.

But inside.

The storm inside Sasuke's soul suddenly stopped...abruptly.

He didn't feel happy or even really like he'd changed at all, but it did seem silent.

Shine let out a long sigh as if she too had felt a change in her soul.

"There," she said. "You fought well, Sasuke. I think you finally won."

"I didn't win anything," Sasuke said, knowing it was true as he said it. "Wasn't that...? Isn't this...just...the answer?"

"It is, but I know how hard it was to ask for it," Shine said.

Suddenly she reached out and hugged him.

Sasuke wouldn't have let her do that 24 hours ago--and, moreover, he would never have expected to like it--but somehow he was too still inside right now to get offended at her making the gesture.

He didn't hug her back, but Shine didn't expect that.

"Whew," Wally said under his breath. "That was the most intense thing I've seen in a long time..."

"You'll be okay," Shine told Sasuke quietly. "You'll see. I won't promise it will be easy, but you're going to be fine, all right?"

Sasuke swallowed.

He didn't know what she meant, but he knew Shine was usually right... Maybe that encouragement was for later.

Shine let go then and sat back.

"I thought I was going to cry too," she said. "But now I think I'm okay...tired, but..."

"Yeah, it's late," Wally said, leaning on the wall and pulling her into his shoulder. "We don't have to go though."

"Is that all?" Sasuke asked, feeling oddly calm still. "Isn't there more to it?"

"Tons more," Shine said. "But for now, maybe just rest? I think it can wait... I think He knows what you want... That's enough. Or tell Him--we don't have to listen, but He will."

"No, stay," Sasuke said. "I... If you go now, and I'm alone with my thoughts, it's too easy to become...afraid again."

Maybe he wouldn't have, but he didn't want to risk it.

Shine and Wally were kind of glad not to leave, though they were exhausted.

Shine later told Wally that she expected by now anyone like Sasuke would have his crisis in the middle of the night after a long day, and that was just what she'd signed up for with him. 

But she didn't make any remarks about it to his face. She knew he was too sensitive for that.

She just sat silently or sang a little, when the silence seemed too long.

"It's a long way out to reach the sea, but I'm sure I'll find you waiting there for me. And by the time I blink I'll see your wide arms swinging, just to meet me in the middle of the road, and you'll hold me like you'll never let me go....but you are far too beautiful to love me.

"It's been a long road up the dusty mountain, to build a turret tall enough to keep you out.

"But when you wage your wars against the One who adores you, then you'll never know the treasure that you're worth. 

"But I've never been a wealthy one before. I've got holes in my pockets burned by liar's gold. I think I'm far too poor for you to want me.

"It's been a long road losing all I own, and you don't know what you got until you're gone, and it's a nasty habit spitting at all you have, but if you're doing all the leaving, then it's never your love lost, and if you leave before the start than there was never love at all.

"And heaven knows I'm prone to leave the only God I should have loved, yet You're far too beautiful to leave me."

https://youtu.be/ZD-xx2aCRxE

["In Memoriam"--The Oh Hellos. Back when I wrote this story out in the first draft, this song stood out to me as a good description of Sasuke's journey (and how it alludes to the Prodigal Son theme of before). From how he left so that no one would be able to sway him with love, and how he spat at everything people offered him, to how he tried to build up his walls against them. But in the end it made him feel like he was worthless, and the answer is that God, and the people around him, were too beautiful to leave him even after all that. I was glad to bring it back here.

I hope you all found this moment satisfying. It was a long time coming, but it was always the plan for it to happen here at the end of Stone Village, or at least somewhere in this book. I think people might have expected me to drag it out till the end of the story, but I had other plans in mind for his arc. I hope that's agreeable to all of you. I think it will pay off.]

* * *

Day 72:

Camie, Ino, and Sakura found Sai asleep in the sitting area (the one that was still standing) early the next morning.

"Huh, I wonder why--" Camie began.

"Sai!" Sakura said, way louder than she needed to. "What are you doing out here?!"

Sai jumped nearly half a foot, they thought.

Camie started laughing, while Ino shook her head at Sakura.

"This isn't a place to sleep in." Sakura began to lecture him right away.

"I didn't realize I fell asleep," Sai said, rubbing his head.

"But why tho?" Camie asked.

"Well, Sasuke was talking to Miss Likstar and Mr. West, and I didn't want to interrupt them, and when I checked, they were still in there, so I decided to sit out here," Sai said. "But it's morning now. I should probably get dressed."

Sai's pajamas were not really that different from his usual clothes, and you'd never know they were pajamas, but Ino still looked embarrassed after he said that.

Camie and Sakura didn't care. Sakura was a doctor, and Camie was...Camie.

"Do you think they're still there?" Camie asked.

"By now they must have left," Sai said.

The girls followed him anyway, though they really shouldn't have.

But Shine and Wally were still in the room. They'd both fallen asleep next to the window.

Sasuke had fallen asleep finally, but he was leaning on the bunk instead.

Camie almost died of laughter.

"Aw, that's such a cute photo op," she said. "I wish I had my phone."

"What were they doing?" Sakura asked.

Sakura was not really good a whispering, even when she tried, and her voice was loud enough to wake Sasuke and Shine both up. Wally was a much deeper sleeper.

Shine blinked. "Oh...whoops, fell asleep."

"Is it morning?" Sasuke hadn't thought it had been that long, but the light was on in the window.

"Yeah, it's morning, you dum-dums." Camie leaned in the doorway. "Why did you all sleep on the floor? And you kicked poor Sai out of his room."

"Oh." Shine put a hand to her face. "Oops. Sai, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot that you were outside."

"I suppose people forget about me a lot," Sai said, with a straight face. "So I'm used to it."

"Babe," Shine nudged Wally. "It's morning."

"Huh?" Wally blinked sleepily. "It's--oh!" He sat up. "Ouch, now I'm sore all over. Hey, Shine, why didn't you tell me to go to bed?"

"I fell asleep too," Shine rubbed her shoulder. "And I agree, I am sore."

Wally then saw the three girls looking at them.

"This isn't what it looks like," he said, holding up his hands. "It was just an accident. Shine and I wouldn't sleep in here with an ulterior motive. I mean, Sasuke was here the whole time. Sasuke, tell them."

"Tell them what?" Sasuke didn't even get it.

Sakura folded her arms. "Even if you didn't mean to fall asleep, why were you in here late at night? Did someone try to choke Sasuke in his sleep? Because as tempting as it sounds, I can't see it after how tired everyone was yesterday."

"Sakura...that sounds a little dark for you," Shine said.

Sakura shrugged. "You never know anymore with this group who's going to attack us."

"I sleep with a knife under my pillow," Ino agreed.

"I thought all shinobi did that," Sai said.

"For real?" Camie said. "I just have mace."

"A mace would be very uncomfortable," Sai said.

"No, no, not a mace, just mace. Pepper spray," Camie said.

Sai didn't know what that was. Ninja didn't use it, usually.

"Well, let's not do the Brady Bunch thing," Wally said. "I want coffee. Shine?"

"When do I not want coffee?" Shine asked.

"One cup of coffee coming up." Wally got up. "And you ladies should give us some space... Also does anyone have any Icy Hot relief patches?"

"Other than Brodoroki, no," Camie said.

Wally sighed in resignation and left the room at high speed.

The girls all looked at Shine and Sasuke.

"So...?" Camie prompted.

"We were talking and got tired." Shine shrugged. "Not unusual. Please, Camie, both of us were here. There's nothing scandalous about that. Don't act weird."

"Oh, I know it's not scandalous. I just wanted to know what the hot tea was," Camie said.

Sasuke was pushing himself up stiffly enough. He was not in the habit of sleeping in such an awkward position.

He thought about the night before... It half felt like a dream...but no...he still felt different. Calmer.

Calmer in that Camie wasn't grating on his nerves like usual.

"I hate that I know that hot tea means gossip," he muttered.

"It does!" Camie said. "Or just news. And this tea is piping hot, so spill."

"Did you have to go to school to learn to talk like that?" Sakura grumbled. "Or were you born dumb?"

"Idk, girl, did you have to go to school to learn how to be a nag?" Camie asked.

Ino smothered a laugh as Sakura glared at Camie.

"If you dish it out, you have to take it," Shine told Sakura calmly. "And by the way, Camie, I won't disclose people's 'hot tea', as you say, without their permission. You know that."

"You say things about us all the time that are private," Sakura said.

"Oh, well, they're not as private as you think," Shine said, which made Sakura uneasy.

"Anyway I'm hungry." Shine stretched. "Why don't all of you run along? We need to think about what to do next anyway. I'm sure Temari is up already, and Gaara will be soon."

"Every now and then it hits me all over again how weird it is that he can actually sleep," Camie said as they left the room. 

"Why?" Sakura asked.

"Don't you remember that the Sand Raccoon jinchuriki can't sleep because the Sand Raccoon is so chaotic?" Camie replied.

"Why could Naruto then?" Sakura was skeptical.

"The Fox was harder to release. The more tails it has, the harder it is to release, idk. It never made any sense to me," Camie said.

Shine glanced at Sasuke.

"Should we tell them or not?" she asked.

Sasuke shook his head. "I don't even know what we would tell them. I'm not sure what really happened last night."

"Fair enough. You know, I waited a while to tell people too. I wanted to see if it would stick," Shine said. "But you should, eventually, talk about it. Besides, I want to know how it goes. For now though, I get it. We won't discuss it."

"Thank you," Sasuke said without thinking.

Shine stopped in the door and gave him a strange look, then she just smiled and nodded before walking away.

Sasuke had to think for a second before he realized he hadn't thanked her before...or anyone...in a while. [Yeah, about the last time I can remember him thanking anyone is when he left Sakura on the bench in the show.]