The Way I Loved You is a song by the American singer-songwriter Taylor Swift from her second studio album, Fearless. About the song Taylor said, ‘I got this idea for a song about being in a relationship with a nice guy who is punctual and opens up the door for you and brings you flowers… but you feel nothing. The whole time you’re with him, you’re thinking about the guy who was complicated and messy and frustrating.’ [ Source: Wikipedia, Genius Lyrics]

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Fun fact: this book was initially not based on this song. This title was supposed to mislead you.

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Chapter Thirty Three: The Way I Loved You

I stood there, motionless, blinking, as the slam of the door rang through the house. Nathan stood where he was, near the stairs. I should leave too. I was of no help, anyway.

I looked around for my umbrella. Then I realized Leanna had walked off with it.

I looked out the windows. The rain was so heavy, I would be drenched in seconds. The walk from his house to mine wasn’t a short one.

I swallowed thickly, knowing Nathan was standing right there, a few feet away from me. I needed to leave, no matter the rain.

I grabbed my backpack. As I walked near the door, he followed me.

Was he planning to give me a ride again? I thought to myself. Suddenly, the blood rushed to my head, my vision red, and I looked up.

“Stop,” I said, “Whatever you are planning to do, just stop.”

Nathan paused in his step as he slowly looked at me.

I breathed in heavily. He looked worse than I had seen him a few days ago. His hair was messier, his eyes redder than they had been before. His dark circle made him look older, ragged, and weighed down. And worst of all, he was wearing a white shirt.

He looked at the ground as I tried to breathe. I felt like I couldn’t.

At that moment, my phone started ringing. I cursed and grabbed it out of my backpack, “Hello?”

It was an unknown number, and I wouldn’t normally have answered. But now, I’d rather do anything else than be here with Nathan alone.

“Hi, Emily, right?” A guy’s voice said on the other end.

The voice was familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it. I rubbed the bridge of my nose, “Yes, who’s this?”

“I’m Landon,” he said cheerily, “I got your number from Leanna. I was calling about the debate we have coming up.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Not now, not here.

“Listen, Landon—”

“You haven’t been coming to the club lately, and here I am, running around trying to form a team,” Landon cut me off, “I really need you to jump in, Emily.”

“Landon, I’m not–” I tried to stop him before he could force me into another debating team.

“I know it’s been a while for you, and you’re not feeling up to it,” Landon said, “I totally understand that. So I was thinking how about we do some private debating lessons?”

“Private debating lessons?” I said incredulously. Was he insane?

My eyes caught Nathan’s fist, which was clenched tight.

I looked up to him as Landon continued on the other end, “You know, just you and me, we could sit down somewhere, a cafe or better yet, maybe at my house, and we can discuss your problems. Anything you want.”

Nathan looked furious. His jaw was set, his eyes glared at the ground, and his nostrils were flared.

“So, you know, for better—”

“I’ll talk to you later, Landon,” I hung up on him before he could finish his sentence.

I turned the screen off my phone, as Nathan looked at me.

Then I snorted.

“What you want is happening,” I said, smiling, “Guess what? I found someone better. Hurray for me.”

“Emily,” Nathan pleaded.

I put my hands up, “Oh, so now you’re gonna tell me which guy is the better guy, too? Oh, yes go ahead. Cause I really need your opinion on that as well.”

“Emily,” Nathan swallowed, “I don’t–”

“But here’s a problem, though. You can’t walk away from me and then tell me who I can date, or not,” I said, trying really hard to keep my voice steady and nonchalant, “And neither can you give me car rides, save me from the rain and act kind after you–”

I couldn’t keep the emotions from affecting my voice. So when I broke off, I turned around quickly.

The last thing I was going to do was cry in front of him again.

I opened the front door and then I slammed it shut. I walked right into the rain. I let it wash all over me, soaking me in seconds. Then I marched off.

“Emily!” Nathan’s voice rang out, “Wait, please!”

My hair plastered to my face. My clothes stuck to my skin. The raindrops pelted me as I put as much distance between me and his house as I could.

“Emily, please!” His voice was getting closer, so I walked faster.

My tears started falling again, making my vision blurry. I breathed through my mouth.

“Emily,” Nathan said, “Don’t leave!”

Why would he be the one who could leave? I could leave too.

“Shit,” he said from somewhere behind me.

I stopped in my tracks.

I turned around slightly, and he was kneeling on the ground, with his head buried in his hands, as if he had given up.

He looked up. The raindrops ran down his face, his neck, his shirt. He held my gaze, “Emily.”

“You believed a guy who was angry with us,” I struggled as I said.

“I–”

“You pushed me away,” I said as I cried in the rain, “and now you act like you are heartbroken. You seem tired all the time. You look like you can’t sleep. For fuck’s sake, you're wearing a white shirt!”

Nathan rubbed his face with his palm.

“You act like you still care about me,” I grounded out, “Do you know how frustrating that is?”

Nathan whispered something, but the rain took it away from me.

“If you are the bad guy, go act like the bad guy!” I bellowed, “Go do something horrible! Get out of my head! Stop acting like you care!”

He dropped his hands to his knees.

“No, you’d be here kneeling in front of me,” I said, “You have no right—”

My voice caught despite my efforts.

“You have no right to act like you’re hurt, like you’re sad and heartbroken, when you’re the one who—” I trailed off.

I looked away, my chin trembling, “I...all I ever wanted was to be near you, to talk to you, for us to...but that doesn’t matter, does it? All that matters is that I should have someone better. Someone you think is better for me.”

“No, I don’t,” Nathan said.

“It doesn’t matter what I feel for you, that I...” I shook my head, “I’ll go and do what you want. I’ll meet Landon for a fucking coffee, a sketchy ‘private debating lessons’ or whatever the fuck it is because anyone is better than you, right?”

Nathan pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes.

I said, “Anyone else but you, because you’re all I ever wanted.”

“I'm so sorr–” Nathan said, looking at the ground.

“I’ve waited. I’ve...tried, and planned, and did everything I could. It still doesn’t matter.

“You took me to prom, and I thought you’d finally tell me how you feel.” I turned around, “But you didn’t. So, stop. Everything. Stop jumping if whenever we touch for a fucking second, like you can feel something. Stop looking at me like you care about me. Stop. Please. Just stop.”

I looked at him for another second, him kneeling on the ground, rubbing his face, eyes cast downwards. I turned away.

“I don’t want you to be with someone else,” Nathan said.

I didn’t look at him.

“I don’t want you to go meet Landon because,” Nathan pleaded as I waited, “Because I want it to be me.”

I breathed shakily. Then I turned around, slightly.

“I...” Nathan met my eyes, “I want it to be me.”

I swallowed thickly.

“I got scared,” Nathan said.

“I was terrified,” he continued, his voice broken, “When I looked at you, I knew you were...you were the only person who’d ever look at me that way. I knew I would never feel the same way I feel about you, for anyone else. I could feel where this was going, where I would end up.”

He rubbed his hand on his chest, over his heart.

“Whenever you looked at me, I felt breathless. When you smiled at me, I felt it more than I should, like there was... something tugging at my heart.” He looked up at me, “I have never felt like this for anyone and I wouldn’t again.

“I have always tried not to get too close to anyone, and there you were, liking me even though I was possibly the worst person ever to like. You’d somehow made it seem easier to like me, when I never quite liked myself. And I started to like the person I was when I was with you.

“I thought… I thought I’d fuck it up. Like somehow I’d ruin things for you. You were this light, and I thought if we were together, somehow I’d ruin everything.

“So I ran away from you. I let my fears take over my feelings. 

“I was going to tell you about my feelings at prom, but then my fears got the best of me. I was selfish, and cowardly, and stupid,” he said, gripping his hair.

The rain was falling down on us, in heavy drops, pelting across our skin.

“I thought you’d kiss me,” I said, in between my tears.

“I thought I’d kiss you, too,” he replied, his hands in fists, still kneeling a few feet away from me.

His voice so tender it almost annihilated me.

“I thought I was doing the right thing when I was just saving myself. By the time I realized it, it was too late. I told you that you should be with someone else when all I want is,” Nathan said, his eyes holding mine. “You.”

I looked away from his face.

“You don’t know what you’ve done for me. I thought I could go back to how I was before, but without you, nothing even fucking matters,” he said, “Everything is empty, and I don’t even know who I am.

“My fears, my dreams, my thoughts,” he fisted his hands over his knees, “Nothing matters because everything is about you. There hasn’t been a single moment when I stopped thinking of you. There hasn’t been one place,” he stopped, his voice catching, “where I haven’t...missed you.

I had missed him so much too.

“There wasn’t one part of my life, you haven’t been. You are...everywhere, Emily,” Nathan said, “You are everything. And I don’t want it any other way.”

“Nathan,” I said, shaking in the rain.

He closed his eyes, waiting.

“You are so dumb,” I said.

“I know,” he nodded. “I am.”

“And you were a coward,” I said, pointing at him.

“Yes,” he agreed.

“And selfish,” I added.

“Yeah,” Nathan said, his eyes straying to the ground. “I’m so sorry.”

“You walked away from me,” I said, my voice trembling.

“That was the worst thing I ever did,” Nathan replied. “If I could turn back time, I’d punch myself.”

I closed my eyes. My tears fell with abandon. I heard him walking near me. Then he gently tugged on my sleeves, and I snapped.

“I hate you!” I aimed for him, punching his chest, “I hate you.”

He stood there, letting me hit him.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him closer.

“You left me,” I said, resting my forehead into his chest.

“I am so sorry,” he wrapped his arms around my shoulders in a way almost as if he was afraid. I gripped his sides as he hugged me.

He lightly touched his lips on my temple, his lips pressing on my skin. The gesture was so tender, so careful, it twisted my heart.

I finally let go. I let go of all the tears I had been holding, all my frustrations, the tension of the week, all my emotions. They turned into a sob, rolling down my cheeks, which I let out into his chest, hiding my face. He pulled me flush against himself.

Nathan held me tight while I cried. He rocked me and rubbed my arm, his hand in my hair. The rain showed no sign of stopping.

I looked up to meet his green eyes. This time my heart did not constrict painfully, it made me feel breathless. He cradled my jaw with both of his hands.

“Emily,” Nathan said.

I grabbed his collar, “Nathan, you idiot.”

I pulled him down towards me, my heart melting through my body, my breath hitching.

He kissed my eyelids, his thumb sweeping my cheeks off tears and raindrops. One of his palms remained cradling my jaw, another splayed on my neck, pulling me closer to him. Our foreheads touched, and in his eyes, I saw time; past, present, future. Before, now, after.

When he spoke, my life was torn apart into two, splintering like photons through a kaleidoscope, before him and after him; and anything in between didn’t matter, wouldn’t matter.

This was the turning point in my life. I was no longer a side character, a side-stop, a road sign.

I was the main character, the fated heroine, the beginning, the middle and the end.

He was my story.

“I’m in love with you, Emily,” he whispered into my skin, like a well-kept secret, like a prayer. Words he had uttered again and again, countless times inside his head, knowing it was the truth.

“I love you so much,” he repeated, like he couldn’t help himself, because he had crossed that threshold, the shackles that had held him all this time, that he had finally broken free of. “So much.”

When he kissed me, his lips were gentle, soft, firm yet pressing with the urgency of finally having his prayers answered, and my fate fulfilled, and my dreams coming true.

His kiss was my dream come true.

He tasted like my tears, the rain, and himself: wild, uninhibited, purposeful and mine at last. Forever from now.

I kissed him back, like I always wanted, tipping up my chin, fisting his shirt in one of my palms, my fingers splayed in his chest, over his heart; solid, warm, beating. I ran my hand across his skin, over his neck, and he shuddered. I pressed my body into his, not wanting an inch in between. My fingers curled into his wet hair, and his hand traveled from my neck, down my spine, onto my back. He grabbed hold of me, lifted me upwards, so as to line us up better. I helped him by lifting my legs and wrapping them up around him.

He groaned into my mouth.

His body shuddered under my touch and I felt it, goosebumps rising on my skin.

The rain showed no sign of ending, needling into our skin in heavier drops, more urgently, growing in fervor like our kiss.

When he pulled back and I gasped, he rained kisses down my jaw, my neck, my collar bone.

“I love you,” he said, again, and again, with every kiss plastered to my skin. “I am sorry I didn’t say it sooner. I love you, Emily.”

I gripped his shoulder with one hand. My other hand gripped his hair. He came back to my mouth and I kissed him harder, putting all of my feelings into my kiss. When I pulled back, he gripped my neck and kissed me again, and then again, until we ran out of breath, until we were gasping for air.

“We have to get out of this rain,” he said, his tongue swiping across my skin, tasting the raindrops. His breath was heavy on me.

“Probably,” I mumbled, into his lips, “Either way, we’re getting pneumonia.”

He choked on a laugh as he hauled me up higher, my legs wrapping around his waist. Then, Nathan Callahan smiled at me.

“Let’s get inside,” he said, into my hair.

“Yeah,” I whispered, my body growing warmer, my cheeks growing redder, and my breath coming on faster.

Nathan held me tighter, I wrapped my hands around his neck as he walked us towards his front door.

I was staring into his dark eyes, the dilated pupils taking over the green of his eyes, when my back met the door. He held me up with one of his arms, while his other palm held mine, his fingers intertwined with mine, as he placed our arms over our head.

I moaned into his mouth, as he swiped his tongue over my lips. I bit his lower lip in revenge and he answered by kissing me harder. As we ran out of breath, he nibbled the skin at the underside of my jaw. My free hand ran across the sharp, short hair at the back of his head.

He kissed, bit, and tasted his way down to where my neck met my shoulder. He said my name into my skin. I responded by grabbing onto him tighter.

Then he slowly pulled back. His gaze pooled warmth into my stomach. He swallowed and lowered me to the ground. My feet hit the floor, and he let go of my hand.

I leaned against the door, as Nathan looked down at me. Then he brushed his knuckles across my face, pushing away the wet strands of my hair from my face. I closed my eyes and felt his touch travel across my spine.

He placed a hand on my hip, as he pushed the door open behind me. He leaned down and stole a kiss on my cheek. I blushed and looked away as Nathan walked us inside his house.

We walked in facing each other, me stepping backwards into the foyer and him stepping forwards. He closed the door behind him, and locked it with a click, without looking away. His eyes were focused on me.

My heart thudded loudly, knowing there was an empty hallway behind me, registering the empty house. Nathan leaned against the door watching me, waiting as I swallowed.

I couldn’t tell which one of us reached for the other one first. Then we were kissing. I was wrapped around his body as he carried me towards his room.

“You–need–to-” he groaned into my mouth, and I tightened my grip on him. He fisted my wet shirt into his hand, “get–out–of–”

My back hit a wall as Nathan kissed me like we had infinite time and were  simultaneously running out of it. Something made a sound. He pulled back a little, “Shit.”

I looked around and we were right beside those wedding photos of his brother. One of the frames was tilting and was almost on its way to earth. As it dropped, Nathan thrust his hand outward and caught it before it landed on the ground.

Nathan looked at me as I let out a laugh.

He smirked and it reminded me of every time he had acted smart, unabashed, and purposefully cheeky. My Nathan was back. He was here, right here.

Nathan put the frame back onto its place.

“Damn, that was sexy,” I said.

Nathan looked at me with a twinkle in his green, green eyes, “I know.”

Then I was hauled up again, and I let out a little giggle as he ushered me into his bedroom.

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A/N: don’t forget to vote, comment and even the chapters before this one in case you missed!

Next chapter is gonna be all fluff, and then we have bonus scenes - even more fluff, then epilogue which will be a good surprise.

What am I gonna do every Sunday when the book is over? Y'all are my dopamine, serotonin.