Once Upon a Broken Heart marks the launch of a new series from Stephanie Garber about love, curses, and the lengths that people will go to for happily ever after. It follows rose gold-haired Evangeline Fox, whose stepsister is set to marry Luc, her one true love. Believing Luc to be cursed and desperate to stop the wedding, she enlists the help of Jacks, a Fate and the Prince of Hearts.

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Fun fact: the one trope in romance Emily hates is ‘groveling’.

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Chapter Thirty One: Once Upon A Broken Heart

“Your eyes look puffy,” Azra remarked, leaning against my locker.

An advice—if you ever plan on having an emotionally taxing fight, never have it on Monday. Then, you would have to face the whole week with the fight, in your mind, in public.

“Allergies,” I mumbled.

Leanna and Azra shared a look. Leanna had picked me up in the morning. She looked like she wanted to ask something the entire car ride. I had done the worst thing, opening up a book in front of me to shut off conversations.

“Are you alright?” Erika asked.

I had a vague idea that they knew about the fight. Theo was Nathan’s friend, and Leanna’s boyfriend. If he knew, he might have told her something.

“Yep,” I said, faking a smile and closing my locker, loading up my books into my backpack.

After my friends shared some conspired look among themselves, we went to our respective classes. I stayed somewhere inside my head, during the classes, while trying to push every thought away about a certain person.

I tried to train my eyes on the ground for the rest of the day. Lest it might meet a pair of green ones and I would somehow burst into tears and all my training for keeping my emotions in check would be in vain.

But I knew where he was, anywhere I went. As if I had a compass set inside me that directed to him. Anytime I walked into a classroom, I could tell, where he was sitting. How could I get rid of that?

Until now, anything I had been sad about, was temporary and less intense. This time was different. I sat among my friends at lunch with no appetite. I couldn’t even look at my lunch tray.  So, I opened the book I had with me, And then there were none, to avoid all conversations.

Worst of all was Nathan Callahan sitting at his usual table, to which I had great visual access to, if only I looked up. This seat had always proved so great for the exact reason it was proving to be fatal right now. I could still make out the shape of him, staring into his phone, unmoving.

I was going to jump from something tall, that would feel better.

“You are definitely not okay,” Malti said, “You know you can tell us anything, right?”

Chemistry would be the last class of the day. I would have to sit beside him.

“Em?” Azra waved her hand in front of the pages, blocking my view.

“Yeah, I heard you,” I mumbled, “I am fine.”

Leanna gave me a look, but didn’t say a word.

When I sat in chemistry class at last, I kept my eyes on the pages, but the words wouldn’t register in my brain. I had to read the same sentences quite a few times, while trying to watch the door through sideways. The clock ticked, minutes went by, Wong entered. But there was no sign of Nathan Callahan.

I did that the whole class. Distracted, my half attention on the door, as I stared at the board, at Wong’s lecture. I couldn’t even tell what lesson it was.

Then the school was over.

He hadn’t turned up to the chemistry class. He was absent.

I snapped my books and copies shut, shoved them down in my backpack. I somehow made it to Leanna’s locker, stopping in my way to rein in my tears, trying to keep my face neutral. After she came around, we got into her car and spent the drive to home in silence.

*****

The next day in Chemistry, when Nathan Callahan walked in I was reading another Agatha Christie since I had already finished the one I’d been reading. I looked at my copy of Murder on The Orient Express as Nathan took his seat. I stared at the ink on the paper, my eyes slowly giving up on me, blurring my vision with tears as I heard him sit down.

My heart squeezed in a painful, constricting way, making it hard to breathe. I released a shaky a breath, gripping the copy of the book, trying to focus only on the words.

Minutes ticked by. Wong was running late. Of course, he was, the one day I wanted him to actually arrive early.

The silence between us pressed on me. But I stayed in my seat, clutching to the book, pretending to read as if it was my lifeline.

I hadn’t realize the thing I would miss most was simply looking at him. All this time, my eyes used to find him anytime he was near. I used to steal glances at him, whenever I could. Looking at him in secret, taking in his face, his hair, his frown, all of it.

Now, that was painful. I couldn’t bring my eyes to him. Any time he was near, instead of euphoria, all I felt was hollow.

My eyes teared up again, without my permission. I looked up at the ceiling, so I could somehow will them back. When I saw him in my peripheral vision, he was looking outside through the window, his neck stiffened, his shoulder tensed, his hands fisted inside his pocket, his back to me.

Then Wong walked in through the door and put me out of my misery.

*****

It was Monday again. It had been a week.

I had finished reading eight books. I was flying through them. I was reading murder-mysteries, reread any crime/thriller book I had in my bookcase, every waking moment, any time my eyes were open.

I didn’t stop for one moment, to think, to process. It was so much better this way. I didn’t have to feel, didn’t have to think.

Books were definitely your best friends.

I was on my ninth book of the week, sitting at lunch. I turned the pages, rubbing my eyes since I wasn’t getting much sleep. The words were getting a bit jumbled, one blending into another. My head hurt, but that didn’t mean I was going to stop. Because if I stopped reading, I would have to return to reality.

I would do anything but that.

Leanna and the others started taking their seats. I was already in mine, since I hadn’t grabbed lunch. I wasn’t hungry.

“Okay,” Leanna said somewhere near me, “Enough.”

Then, suddenly the book in front of me was gone. I looked up at her and she was holding it away from me.

“Hey!” I protested, “Give it back!”

“No,” She passed it down to Malti, who gave it to Azra who hid it behind her.

I had no energy to get up and fight for it. So I sighed and closed my eyes and leaned back in my seat.

“You have to stop this madness,” Leanna muttered, “I have seen enough. I can’t let you keep going.”

“You look terrible,” Azra said, “And you are reading books like you are starved. Stop it.”

“And you need to start talking,” Malti said. “God, it had been—what— three days since I last heard your voice.”

If I went to the library, I might find some other book. I stood up but Leanna grabbed my wrist. “No. Nope. Sit down.”

I did what she said. “What?”

“TJ texted me yesterday because you weren’t replying to any of her texts,” Leanna said, “You can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep ignoring everyone around you.”

“I thought you were one of those people,” Uyen said, “Who need space when they are sad, so I told everyone that we should leave you alone.”

“Yes,” Leanna replied, “She had enough freaking space. Now she needs to tell us what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I yawned into my hand and then rubbed my eyes. God, this headache wasn’t going away.

“Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?” Erika asked, “I don’t think your hair had met comb in a week.”

“My hair is fine,” I groaned, “Can we stop this? I am going to the library.”

As I started to rise again from my seat, Leanna sighed, “You always do this.”

I sat back down, “I do what?”

“Close yourself off,” She replied, “Whenever something happens you pop a book in front of your face and act like you are fine.”

I turned away from her, and I already missed the book Azra was hiding.  I wanted to open it again, and hide into the pages, dive into the fictional world instead of my own. My skin felt warm, like it was melting away, like it was exposing me. “I do not–”

“Yes, I remember that time you went to Wisconsin?” Leanna said, “Your grandma died, and you went there with your mom. I called you to ask you if you’re fine. You’d rather talk about the book you were reading.”

I remembered the drive and shuddered. It was one of the worst thing I’d experienced. The whole time my mother was mute, driving on and on, ignoring me, while I tried to make her talk. But she wouldn’t. So, I gave up too.

“I had no feelings about it,” I said, briskly.

Leanna added quietly, “You should know that when I get sad I never go to you because I know you’d rather talk about something else. I call Malti instead.”

That was news to me, “What?”

“Yeah,” Malti said, “If you don’t tell us about yourself, how do you expect someone else to do the same with you?”

I turned to each of them and all of them looked away from me. None of them would meet my eyes.

I was pushing them away, because it was easier that way. Not letting them too close to me, because I would have to let them go someday.

We were not going to be friends forever, I saw it that way. The less they knew me, the less it would hurt when they left, eventually.

My eyes moved, and I saw Nathan, sitting some feet away.

I remembered how I had talked to him about feelings, how he had told me he wanted to avoid them. I had prided myself, thinking I would never do the same. But here I was, pushing everyone away when I was faced with a choice.

I wondered if he thought about me the same way. That I would leave him one day, so the less close we were, the better.

While not trying to break my heart, he was protecting himself. Perhaps he thought if he ended us now, he wouldn’t have to go through all that.

What better way to protect yourself than pushing away someone who could love you, whom you’re in love with?

If there was no love, there couldn’t be any heartbreak.

I blinked away from him and looked at my friends again. My throat felt heavy, a pain slowly spreading around to my chest. My eyes watered, tears threatening to spill.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Leanna turned to me and I burst into tears. The tears I had been holding since he left. The words I had been hiding came spilling out. I could see him leaving his table, while I started speaking. My friends took turns comforting me, squeezing my hand, then hugging me when lunch was over.

Later when I was sitting in Leanna’s car, after school, I realized I liked the fact that she knew. Now, I didn’t have to pretend anymore. A certain weight was lifted off of me. I could be as miserable as I wanted to, and someone would hold me up.

She didn’t say anything until I did. “I was being a bad friend, huh. To the point where you won’t even tell me if you were sad.”

“It’s nothing,” She muttered, “You have enough heartbreak to deal with right now. I just said that, so you would tell me how you feel instead of pushing me away.”

“Did Theo tell you?” I said.

“Something like that,” Leanna replied.

I wanted to ask about Nathan so badly. But at the same time, I didn’t want to know. I was the one who had been rejected. I was the one who had the right to be sad and hurt.

“So, why do you always do that?” Leanna asked, changing the subject, from one emotional landmine to another.

I laughed and so did she.

“It’s easier,” I said, “I think I got it from my mother.”

“Oh.”

I felt like a dam had opened inside me. There were so many words that I had never said to anyone. And suddenly I was fearless. I couldn’t care if I would be hurt.

“She never even tells me about my dad,” I said.

“Did you ever ask?” Leanna suggested softly, as if she knew the answer.

I never had. I never asked my mother about it. Sitting there suddenly I knew my mother had been waiting for me to ask her. I had been waiting for her to tell me without me asking. No wonder, we were related. I had no doubts that I was indeed her daughter.

“Then there was this thing with TJ too,” I said, quietly into the car. I could feel Leanna’s gaze on me. “I would umm tell you if you want to listen.”

“I was literally asking you,” Leanna said, “What did she do?”

“It wasn’t her fault,” I said.

Leanna nodded.

“We had a sleepover at her house, the summer before highschool. I spent the whole day with the Jamiesons. They were really nice. Her mom and dad was so sweet to me. But it hurt, seeing how amazing they were with her.”

Leanna sighed.

“And so after we went to bed I told her how much I wanted to be a part of something like that, like a family. How I wished…” I swallowed, “Anyway, I cried and stuff and the next day, she called and said she was moving away.”

Leanna frowned, “So?”

“I thought it’s because I had— umm—made her uncomfortable, because I was pathetic,” I said. “I remembered her not saying a word to me the whole time I was crying.”

“Oh, Em. I’m sure that’s not the case,” Leanna shook her head.

I looked away in embarrassment, “I mean, of course, I knew those two events weren’t connected, but I used to think what if they were.”

Leanna nodded. We were almost home. I stewed in my embarrassment until she parked the car and stopped the engine.

“Have you ever thought maybe she wanted to tell you she was moving away during the sleepover?” Leanna said, “Maybe that’s why she couldn’t say anything? I mean, I don’t know for sure, but that would make sense, right?”

I blinked at her. Her perspective seemed more logical than mine. “That makes sense.”

“Maybe she wanted to break the news to you, but you were sad, so she couldn’t,” Leanna said, “Did you ever ask her about it?”

I looked at the loose string at the hem of my shirt and tugged at it.

Leanna said, “That must have been hard. After that, you stopped telling your friend about yourself.”

I nodded, “There’s nothing much to tell, anyway.”

“I’d listen to anything you say,” Leanna assured me, “I hope you know.”

I swallowed thickly. “Okay.”

We sat in silence, and then she said, “What about Nathan?”

I shook my head as my eyes threatened to spill over. “You can say the ‘I told you so’ now.”

“Em, I’d never,” She squeezed my hands, “I’m not your enemy.”

“I–” I started, “I really hoped that we could be together, you know.”

Leanna dragged in a sigh.

“I wasn’t totally honest with him, either,” I whispered.

She turned to me, “Oh?”

I looked down at my hands, “He doesn’t know a few things. Nobody does. TJ knows a little bit, only the stuff I let her know but–”

“Oh?” Leanna asked.

So I told her. Everything. The more I talked, the more I feared she would think I was crazy. But I also felt okay. That same weightless feeling spread inside me, like I was free. I could finally breathe.

I watched her face, her reaction after I was done talking. She leaned back in her seat, her eyes widened, her jaw slightly open, “Really?”

I nodded.

“You need to tell him!” Leanna said.

I broke into a laugh, “Leanna, he rejected me. Imagine me telling him all that after he rejected me. As if I’m not humiliated enough.”

“But–”

“He would only feel even more burdened,” I said, “I won’t do that to him.”

Leanna squeezed my hands, “Oh, Em.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, “You know what’s funny? He even gave me a ride, after we had the fight.”

Leanna quirked an eyebrow, “Huh?”

“Yep,” I said, “Always the good one, and yet he says I deserve someone better.”

I could taste the bitterness I had developed for that phrase.

“Well, that guy sure has some damaged self-conception,” Leanna said, her eyes unfocused. “I have to call Theo. I will see you tomorrow?”

I nodded, “Sure.”

*****

A/N: adulting sucks, i’m so busy. why my classes had to start?