The Fault in Our Stars is a novel by John Green. The title is inspired by Act 1, Scene 2 of Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar, in which the nobleman Cassius says to Brutus: "Men at some time were masters of their fates, / The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, / But in ourselves, that we are underlings."

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FFANC: Nathan always thought his stars were faulty. That they never brought him anything good.

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Chapter Seventeen: The Fault In Our Stars

“So, Emily, are you single?” Landon McArther asked.

I stared at him in response.

He smiled, “Just curious.”

I looked away. I wished I had a different answer for him, “Yes, I am. I’m single.”

He nodded. We stood against the kitchen counter, glancing at the dimly lit living room in front of us; there were people messing with each other, drinking themselves stupid, dancing like nothing mattered.

“I still think about it, you know.” Landon said softly.

I turned to him slightly. There was a ghost of smile in his face, as if he was reminscing something, “How you defeated me.”

“Oh, that,” It was so long ago, I thought to myself. So much had happened after that.

“Yes. It was quite a moment for me. Nobody had ever done that to me quite like you did, Emily Kingsley.”

He bumped my shoulders with his arm. I laughed. “It was nothing.”

Landon shook his head, “It was quite something. You humbled me in ways more than one.”

I remembered the debate so vividly as if it was yesterday, the shocked faces of everyone as I ended my speech, as Landon realized he would lose, to a beginner like me.

Landon continued, “After that day, I knew we thought at the same wavelength. Like you could really get me.”

“Oh,” I mumbled.

When I looked up at him, he was glancing at me, “Yes. And yet I...”

He sighed.

I glanced away. “How is Violet doing?”

I hoped I got his girlfriend's name right.

“Her best, probably.” he replied like he didn't have any idea.

Trouble in paradise, Leanna's voice floated back to my mind.

“Emily, do you ever think that,” Landon muttered, “we get so scared by something we know just so right for us so we let it get away? If we never had it in the first place, we'd never have to hurt losing it.”

I swallowed the emotion that rose in me. “Yeah.”

“I'm such a coward,” Landon laughed at himself.

He wasn't wrong. We thought in the same wavelength.

“I'll leave.”

He pushed back from the counter and faced me, “Do you need a lift?”

I crossed my arms, “No, thanks. I have to stay. I came with a friend.”

“Oh,” He said and ran a hand through his hair.

Then he started to walk away. But as if remembering something, he turned back, “See you around, Emily.”

I nodded in reply.

Landon McArther was the best debater in our club for some reason. I thought how he had articulated everything that had been in my mind in a few simple sentences.

Being scared of what we wanted the most was probably what we always did. I was doing it, hiding from what I wanted. Something that felt so right to me, yet at the same time, so wrong.

I took a deep breath. The air was seeped with the smell of alcohol. I finally finished drinking the beer. I needed something stronger. I called Leanna.

She picked up on the third ring, “What?”

She sounded intoxicated, her voice slurring.

“Where are you?”

From the other end, came a male voice, mumbling something. Leanna also said something but I couldn't hear it.

“I'm great, you can go- aah.” Leanna hissed, “I told you not to-”

She was not speaking to me, I figured. She was in the middle of something and I didn't want to think about what.

“I'd go home, then,” I was tired and done. My social battery had run out.

“Sure.” she said after a few minutes. I held the phone away from my ear.

I hung up before I had to hear anything about her 'tryst'. I wondered if she was with the guy she had came here for.

I pocketed my phone and looked for the front door. I got out, feeling better outside and headed for the front gate. As I stepped out, I stopped.

Then I turned around.

I scoffed at myself knowing I'd have done that anyways.

I headed straight for the backyard.

He sat leaning on the wall behind him, staring up at the sky, with a beer bottle in his hand, on top of something that looked like a cooler.

I watched him for a few moments. In the background people screamed around the make shift basketball court, throwing balls, drinking beer.

He was removed from the scene, isolated from the chaos, all on his own, alone and staring at the moon.

My heart squeezed. I wanted to laugh at myself.

I walked to him and sat down on a patch of grass beside him.

“So? How'd it go with your crush?” He asked without looking at me. His voice, a litter deeper and loose than usual, laced with intoxication.

My crush, right.

“Does it matter?” I muttered. “Give me one.”

He was drinking from a beer bottle.

He turned to me, “You can hold your liquor?”

I rolled my eyes, “I might look tiny but I can hold a lot of things.”

Nathan said, “Sure, chipmunk.”

He lent his hand towards me, and ruffled my hair. I held his wrist and pushed it away.

He stood up, opened the cooler and handed me a bottle. Then suddenly he straightened and said, “Hey, you wanna be alone?”

I pursed my lips, “Alone as in
alone, or alone with you?”

Nathan rolled his eyes, “Yes or no?”

I nodded yes.

He quickly grabbed three more beer bottles and handed them to me.

“Are we stealing?” I asked, a smile curving my lips.

“Nope,” He said as he took three more bottles for himself, “They're my friends and they told me to keep a check on these.”

“Aren't they only neighbors?” I retorted.

He shrugged, “A friend in need and all that.”

I laughed.

Nathan paused, staring at me. I stopped laughing immediately.

He closed the cooler. I stood in front of him, with my arms full of beer bottles. “What now?”

“Now we get out of here.”

I grinned, “Just like real
thieves. We are the fugitives.”

Nathan took a step towards me and pressed a cold bottle on the side of my neck. My eyes widened. I shuddered.

“No talking, only walking,” He hissed as he leaned down to meet my eyes.

He had that potential. I thought to myself then cleared my throat.

Potential? What potential? I had to stop reading inappropriate books.

He turned around, this time towards his house, crouching to hide the stolen goods.

I covered them with my jacket and followed him out. We went straight to his house.

Transferring the bottles to his one hand, he lifted the rug in front of the door and brought out the spare key. Then he slowly opened the front door. Looking back at me he
motioned me to follow him.

We tiptoed our way around the hallway to the stairs and heard his mom, “Nathan? Is that you?”

I was here as well, but not like she asked.

Nathan cleared his throat,
“Yes.”

He said that as he grabbed me and pushed me in front of him into the stairs. I climbed them quickly and he followed. And then we were in his room.

Finally, it was quiet. Not as quiet as we might have wanted, but quiet enough now that the sounds of the party had faded a little. Nobody was bumping into me. Nobody was shouting
in my ears.

I set down the beer bottles on his desk after him. He flopped down on his bed, with his limbs thrown and closed his eyes.

I pulled the chair and sat down in front of his desk. I pulled out my phone. It was half past eleven. It was a wonder she hadn't called me yet. So I texted Mom telling her I might be late, or stay over at Leanna's.

I pulled the scrunchie off of my hair and took off my ponytail. Then I ran a hand through them. When I looked at Nathan, he was watching my every movement with eyes half open.

“Isn't that my scrunchie?” I asked, pointing to his wrist.

He sat up, with his palms resting on the bed, “What?”

“In your wrist. I'm pretty sure I gave it to Fletcher.” I said.

Nathan grabbed one of the beer bottles, “Why did you?”

“He asked?”

Nathan continued to glare at me, “Just because he asked for it.”

“Well...” I didn't know what to say.

Nathan shook his head as if he had enough with me as he proceeded to open a beer bottle with his teeth.

I raised an eyebrow.

“I have some talents,” He told me in reply and took a swig.

“Where's mine?” I asked him, “I helped you to smuggle.”

He rolled his eyes and handed the bottle he was drinking from, to me. All that monologue about indirect kisses dawned on me. I had read about it way too often. But as I looked at the bottle in front of me, it didn't even seem like that big of a deal.

“How many of this did you have?” I said, taking a sip.

“Why do you have to be so generous?” Nathan replied, as he didn't hear what I'd said, “With your words, your laughs, your smiles.”

I blinked at him in surprise but he wasn't looking at me.

“You're drunk, huh?” I said. “I leave you for 10 minutes and you-”

He finished half the bottle and wiped his lips with back of his hand, “It's all your fault.”

I took another sip, “What's my fault?”

He rolled his eyes. Then as if he remembered, he asked, “So, did it come away slimey?”

“I don't know what you mean.”

“Yes, you do.”

I paused and recalled the moment Landon ran a hand through his hair.

“Did it?”

“Yes.”

“I fucking knew it.”

“Bastard.” I laughed.

“No I'm a legitimate child.” He finished his drink and lied down as he said it.

I looked at his bed. It looked so comfy and inviting. Would it be so bad if I lied down next to him? Would it be so wrong?

Could I handle it?

I placed the bottle down with a shaky hand. Nathan hummed some songs I didn't know under his breath. He seemed different, more open and less defensive.

Nathan Callahan laughed easily. He made fun of me all the time. Sure, he said all sorts of unimaginable things. He had a way of expressing his emotions. He talked a lot too.

But I couldn't remember one time he said something about how he felt, how he watched the world, and what was going on with him. It was like he had a way of hiding in plain sight.

Would he ever tell me if he was sad? Probably not.

I gathered up all my courage as I slowly climbed into the bed. His eyes were still closed. But as the bed dipped with my weight, he opened them and stared at me. My courage almost dwindled but I decided to stick with it. I lay down beside him acting as if I had done that before.

Then I was staring at his ceiling. I remembered the weird conversation we were having. So, to make things less awkward, I decided to say the most outrageous thing ever.

“You never know if you're a legitimate child.”

Curse my mouth.

“Thanks for putting that idea in my head.”

I laughed.

“But it could be true,” Nathan mumbled.

“Why'd you say that?”

“They don't like me too much,” He said under his breath.

“Your family?”

“I have the bad habit of saying things nobody wants to hear,” He said.

It shouldn't make me smile.

“What a surprise.”

He bopped my nose, “Shut up.”

So I did.

I turned to face him and found him looking at me.

The way he looked at me then, made me feel pretty.

He gazed at me like I was something worth resting his enchanting green eyes on. Those same eyes roamed over my face, searching for meaning as if he knew.

If you must be heartbroken, let it be me.

A recipe for disaster. An omen. A warning. Or maybe an invitation.

I didn't need any.

He turned my way slightly, angling his face so he could see me better. I stared at him. My eyes almost teared up. We had never been so close. We had never looked at each other for so long.

I had never been so vulnerable.

I was drunk, I realized.

His hand reached out. I could feel every single beat of my heart as he moved. I wanted to close my eyes in anticipation. But I also wanted to keep them open so I could see the way he looked at me.

I was sure he would never look at me the same way again, as if he wanted to look at me, as if he wanted me here. Me and no one else.

I wish all of it weren't in my head.

I wish I didn't romanticize every blink of his eyes, every movement of his, every time he smiled at me, every time he made me laugh.

Every single time he held the door for me.

His index finger touched my forehead softly. He slowly caressed his way down, drawing an invisible line with the tip of his finger, his eyes on mine. He reached the bridge of my nose.

I couldn't breathe.

He reached my lips. He touched them for a brief second, pressing just enough to leave me wanting. Then he started to pull away.

In a perfect world, I would stop what I did next.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to think about it.

I grabbed his wrist.

Then I pressed my lips on the inside of his palm, while watching for his reaction the whole time.

It felt like we were suspended in time, away from the whole world, where everything was irrelevant, nothing mattered. Nothing mattered except for the fact that I was here with him, pressing my lips into his hand.

He slowly breathed out. I saw him swallow.

My eyes welled up. He pulled back his hand. Then he turned away, with his back to me.

The party must have died down. We lapsed into eternal silence.

This was all I was better for. This was all I was made for.

I was a side character. And that was all side characters were granted. I was a turn, a pause, a stop-station in someone's life. A sign you passed by everyday but never noticed, blended in the background in muted colors. Something that didn't matter.

God, I was pathetic when I was drunk. I was the worst kind of drunk.

If I even had an ounce of love for myself that I wanted to give someone else, I'd be a different person.

I stood up, and walked to the door. I placed my hand on the doorknob.

One word and it stopped me.

“Emily.”

I inhaled. “Yes?”

“It's late. You're drunk. It's dangerous out there.”

“I'll call an Uber or something.” I muttered back.

Then there was the silence again. I twisted the door knob.

I would have missed it if I wasn't so keen on hearing it, like I wished for it with my whole being. And when it was there I wondered if I had misheard.

His voice was barely over a whisper.

“Stay.”

I knew he wouldn't ask me twice.

Because I didn't know better, because I liked to do what would eventually hurt me, I closed the door. I shrugged off my jacket and draped it over his chair. I sat down on the bed and took off my shoes. Then I slowly lay down on the other side of the bed, leaving enough space between us that you could fit another person there.

His back was still to me.

We were lying side by side. But he was so far away. I knew I could never reach him.

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A/N: the real story begins :)

IMPORTANT:  next update will be on 12 JUNE. because I have midterms. And I need to pass y'all. I'm so sorry. But promise we'll be regular after that. Not many chapters left. Big things gonna happen soon!!

And you'll like it. <33

I also posted a link for a playlist on my bio and conversation board if you wanna check out while you wait.