"What do I want?"

This question was one I didn't normally have time to ponder. I thought about it. Really thought about it and said, "I want Cooper to grow big and strong and for his biggest problem to be homework. I want him to go to college."

"No. What do you want for yourself?"

"I want... I want to have the brightest light in my life."

"And that is?"

"I don't know yet," I lied. I want her, but I'm not really sure what that means yet.

"I need to get home. Do you need a ride?"

"Please. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Why are you home so late?" Mom asked. "Who was that who dropped you off?"

"A friend."

"Birch, you've got bruises. What happened?"

"Nothing, just got a little beat up at practice."

"They look bad."

"Yeah. They're getting better."

I didn't want to discourage my mom. She seemed like she was drunk because she was still trying to get off the stuff despite her little slip up.

"I got a better job today."

"Really? Mom, that's great!"

"Cooper had a bug up his nose this morning. A strange shiny beetle. Have you ever seen a bug like that?"

I hadn't but I'd heard of it. The other day she said my bruises were those beetles and that they were moving.

"No. That's odd. You should get to bed. You ought to wake up bright and early for your new job."

That did it. She nodded weirdly and stumbled into her room.

I went to bed after. I'm tired.

I had a dream last night that I had to sit back and watch Sage die. It was horrifying. I woke up screaming. I got dressed quickly and ran to school. I was curious as to why it was so empty. Then I realized that it was Sunday. I hurried to the pool she wasn't there. I dashed home and paced my room and sent out a text.

Birch-I had a weird dream last night that was really vivid. I just want to make sure you're okay.

Sage-I'm good.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Sage-What was your dream about?

Shit.

Birch-It's kind of a long story.

Sage-I've got time.

Shit.

Birch-I've got practice.

Sage-Bull. I have friends that are trainers and I know for a fact that you practice on Saturdays. Haha😈

Birch-...it's for boxing...

Sage-Are you avoiding telling me something again? Did you not learn from the first time?

Sage-Boi!

Birch-I'm not sure I like this hostage situation.

Sage-If this is a hostage situation to you, wait until you know me even better.

Birch-Fine

Birch-You didn't answer any of my ?'s.

Sage-So?

Birch-Soooo u owe me an answer young lady

Sage-Bite me!

Birch-Nah. I'll pass.

Sage-Fine then. I'll have to get it out of you some how.

Birch-Challenge accepted.

Sage-Just remember that you're the one who raised the gauntlet.

Birch-Wut?

Sage-Answer my question first.

Birch-Sage...

Sage-?

I described my dream and I told her how I couldn't lift a finger and I was just watching her drown while I for some unknown reason could breathe just fine. I watched her reach up to me as the dark, depths of the ocean crushed her and her blue eyes couldn't close. She stared up at me and the light left her eyes. Then, I was made to dive after her even though I knew she was already gone. After that I woke up.

Sage-Wow...

Birch-Yeah...

Sage-You picked up the gauntlet means you started the fight and you dropped the gauntlet means you've finished it.

Birch-I've spilled my guts to y- I started to type and was interrupted by the next few texts.

Sage-And yes...

Sage-Sometimes I feel inadequate, like I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. My brain beats me up and bullies me sometimes and I cry till I can't breathe. It makes me strive for something I know doesn't exist. Perfection.

Sage-If this makes any sense at all, I'm already drowning. The same darkness keeps us down, just at different intensities. I'm in my own fight.

Sage-That probably sounded really over dramatic but I'd need even more time to explain the way I feel sometimes.

Birch-I've got time.

Sage-Everyone keeps telling you to do your best. Be you best. Your best is unreachable. Even if you reach YOUR personal best there's going to be someone better. You're never going to be THE best.

Sage-When my brain starts picking on me it doesn't stop. It goes on a spree of insults and sins all my flaws. When I start crying, it'll pick on me for being weak. It's like my brain and me are two different things. We fight a lot but we both want what's best for us both. It won't stop until I can't shed another tear. Then I'll just start crying because the salt from my tears is burning. I'll try to laugh it off because sometimes it happens in front of people but I'll end up seeming more upset.

Sage-I'm not even sure I can describe all the other things I feel. I'm get frustrated and/or discouraged especially because I can't be that rock people hold onto to keep them on their feet all the time. I have a feeling of worthlessness whenever I'm left alone with my brain to long.

Sage-My brain has such a big urge to have the satisfaction that it's perfect but in doing so it itself becomes a flaw.

Sage-I live a pretty great life and I don't like being that bitchy person so I've never really told anybody this before so many people would know so much more about me if they would listen a little closer. I hardly ever keep secrets. This is my biggest one. I've just never had someone close enough to tell them.

Sage-...well. Happy?

Birch-...

Birch-I'm the opposite. I've had too many secrets and too much pain to hide.

Sage-You shouldn't hide it.

Birch-You say that as if you haven't been hiding it.

Sage-No one's asked me. Tbh I was a little scared to tell you. But you've told me a lot so I thought I'd even the scale.

Birch-Thanks. Talk to you tomorrow?

Sage-Yeah, bye!

Birch-Bye!

I couldn't believe how she was so quiet but had so much to say. Maybe it's from keeping it bottled up all these years. She's really good at describing her feelings.