The door to my bedroom swings open and we stumble inside. He lifts me in one smooth motion and I lock my legs about his waist, using him as leverage to bring my mouth down on top of his. I absorb his breath, letting it fill me, drinking him in as though our kisses could chase away the ache in our hearts.

"Kay." His voice is hoarse, strangled. I kiss him more urgently in response, not wanting him to speak. Somehow, I know what he wants to say and I don't feel myself ready to hear it. For this moment, being away from him for so long, all I want is to feel him against me. With me.

He carries me over to the bed and lays me down. Gently. Too gently.

"Will." I reach up to bring his lips to mine again. He sinks down onto the bed next to me, wrapping his arms around my back, drawing me closer. I feel myself melt against him and tug the jacket off of his shoulders, slipping my hands down the collar of his shirt.

He growls low in his throat and pulls back, cupping my face to force my eyes into his.

I feel my lips still swollen with his kisses as I stare at him, bringing one hand up to gently brush the yellowing cut at his temple. From here I can see that the wound has created a white slash across his dark hairline. Another scar.

"Do you wish to talk?" I murmur, allowing the challenge to hang between us.

His voice is rough, his dark brows knitting together. "No."

I wait, watching him intently. "But you think that we should."

Some of the old, steely spark has returned to his eye. "Yes."

"I see." I lean back on my elbows, tilting my head at him. "Quite the conundrum. Perhaps I can help you with that." I tug gently on the sleeve of my tunic, slipping one shoulder free. His eyes flick down to the exposed skin and his fingers gently trace the scattering of freckles and scars.

I sit up, letting my shirt slip down further. "Let's fight later. This moment is for us."

He pushes my hair behind my ear. The feeling of his fingertips against my skin sends shivers down my spine. Slowly he traces the tender flesh, drawing an agonizing line from my neck down to my back before he flattens his palm and brings me towards him.

His chest is both firm and fragile beneath my hand and I hold him more securely, desperate to protect him, protect us from the imperfections outside of this room. The rest of the world no longer makes sense. All that matters is this.

"I love you." His words are warm in my ear, breathing the only promise we have managed to uphold.

"I love you." I utter my vow and turn my mouth to his, drinking in the last of our words.

* * * * *

I float on the fringes of oblivion, drifting in and out of awareness. I am lying curled against Will's side, our bodies a tangle of limbs amongst the sheets. His breaths are steady and I watch with mild interest as his chest rises and falls.

I don't wish to speak. If we say nothing then the spell we have woven can never be broken. We can exist like this forever.

I know he is thinking the same thing by the way he stares glassy-eyed up towards the ceiling. After a time he turns to me, his fingers tangling absentmindedly in my hair as he lifts it from my shoulders, allowing a breeze from the open balcony doors to cool my back.

My skin goose pimples, but not from the sensation of the night air against my flesh. We lock eyes, a reluctant, wordless agreement passing between us before we ease ourselves up into seated positions on the bed.

I pull the sheets around my torso and push my hair back from my face. He watches my movements carefully, something pained crossing his features.

"You start." My voice is barely a whisper as I brace myself.

"I love you." He says again. We will begin where we left off.

"I know you do."

"I'm not certain you do. Or perhaps my love doesn't mean to you what yours does to me."

"Your love is everything to me." I resist the urge to reach forward and touch him.

"Then why do you do this, Kay? Why do you put me through this?" He runs a hand over his scalp, wincing slightly when he grazes the bruise on his temple.

"I don't do it on purpose." Wrapping the sheet more securely around myself.

"No, I don't believe you do." He drops his arm heavily. "Risk is entirely second-nature to you."

"And you." I point out. "Commander."

He shakes his head. "My post is calculated risk. It is my job to study a situation and make an informed decision about how to proceed. What you are is the polar opposite of that."

I bristle. "Perhaps then the issue is that you have too little faith in my judgement, even though I have proven to you time and time again that I am more than capable of looking after myself."

"And your time spent in the gaol? How capable were you at handling that?"

My eyes stretch wide, scarcely believing that he would say something so deliberately hurtful. "That's not fair."

"And how was giving yourself over to the Wasters any different? How could you have known what was on the other side?" His voice wavers slightly before he is able to bring himself back under control. "That was a stupid move and you know it, Kay."

"Maybe so, but that stupid move saved your life." I glare at him in challenge.

"That is exactly the problem." He rubs his wrists, as if subconsciously feeling the ropes against his skin. "When it comes to me, your judgement is completely thoughtless."

"Tell me that if our positions were reversed that you would not have made the same choice." I stare at him, feeling my cheeks colour.

He meets my gaze, unblinking. "In a heartbeat."

"Then don't say that my judgement is thoughtless. I love you, Will. That was my thought in the moment and I would do it again. And again."

He pulls me to him suddenly, kissing me so fiercely that I feel as though my heart could rip through my chest.

We are both breathing heavily when we draw apart, resting our foreheads against one another. "I can't take it." He says, his voice cracking and giving way. "When I can't protect you, when I can't help you. Kay, it just..."

A dull thud echoes through me. In this small way I can relate to his pain. Whatever he is feeling right now, I can't protect him from it. I can't help him.

"It's agony." He finishes, drawing back and dropping his head into his hands. "I can't describe it. The first time you were taken it nearly destroyed me. Knowing that they were hurting you and not being able to do anything about it..."

The scars on my back suddenly burn red-hot at the memory.

"But it all worked out, didn't it?" I ask gently, cautiously reaching out a hand to him. "I'm fine."

"No, you aren't." He sits up straight. "What of your nightmares?"

I flinch, drawing my hand back. "They're just bad dreams. It's nothing."

"It isn't nothing. I can see how it's affected you, I can see these scars refusing to heal." I expect his eyes to dart to the markings on my shoulders but they stay resolutely forward. "Something happened to you down there. You were reckless before, Kay, but now..." He grimaces, as though in pain. "You've become completely foolhardy. I'm scared to death for you nearly all of the time."

I feel as though I have been punched in the stomach. All of my pain has been laid bare on the rumpled bedsheets.

"I cannot help who I am." I manage eventually.

"I don't want you to."

"Then what is it? What do you want, Will? Shall I make more promises to obey you?"

His jaw clenches at the memory of our conversation in the airship hangar. "You never meant that promise for an instant."

"You're right."

"Then why would you say it?"

"Because I'm reckless. I'm impulsive. I do and say things that get me into trouble." I throw his accusations back in his face. "I'm scarred and broken, remember?" My vision starts to blur and I swipe angrily at my eyes. When he places a hand on my leg I jerk away.

"Kay..."

"You know, you aren't perfect either." I reflexively push the emotions aside and replace them with anger. "Ever since you were made commander you've been trying to control me."

This time he's the one who draws back. "What?"

"You have me training with soldiers, learning to do things a certain way. Fight a certain way, march a certain way, follow your orders the same as everyone else." The words come more easily now.

He colours. "In order to protect you. To help you."

"I didn't ask for your help!"

"And I didn't ask for yours!" He shouts back. "I told you to let the Wasters take me instead, but you could not even allow this one small thing."

"Perhaps it is because I didn't consider your ego to be the most important matter in that moment." My cheeks are burning and my fists are clenched as I glare at him, daring him.

Thunder clouds his face. "It wasn't my ego. Are you really so short-sighted? I wanted to help you, I only care about you."

"How can you not see that it is the same for me?" I am fully yelling now. "I made those choices for you, you self-centred ass."

"This is precisely the issue, Kay." He ignores my insult, staying the course. "Knowing that you are in danger because of me is what hurts the most."

My head is throbbing. I am suddenly tired. So very tired. "I don't know what you expect from me, Will."

He looks as though he wants to reach out, whether to shake or kiss me I cannot be sure. His broad shoulders slump. "I don't either."

"Then what do we do?" I don't want an answer. I want to lie back down, curl against his side and sleep for days.

"I don't know, Kay. All I am certain of is that I cannot go through that again. I'm not strong enough. You will destroy me, I swear to the gods." He looks so vulnerable, such a far cry from the strong, arrogant man who pulled me from the City walls.

"I can't change." I barely manage to whisper.

"Neither can I."

The fight ebbs from my body. "What other option is there?"

He rubs his hands forcefully over his face as the silence stretches on between us. "There is too much here, between us. Too much history. Too much of everything."

I swallow painfully. "How can you say that? You told me that it is our past that makes us strong."

"I don't know if I believe that anymore, Kay. You make me so incredibly weak."

"You aren't weak." I tell him fiercely.

"I am when it comes to you." He glances up, his eyes searching my face. "I barely know myself anymore. I don't know how to think clearly, how to effectively command my troops when I'm worrying about you every moment of the day."

"You want to stop having feelings for me, is that it?" I regret the words as soon as I say them. I am suddenly so intensely afraid of hearing his answer that my eyes dart instinctively to the open balcony doors. I could run.

He anticipates my reaction and grips my arms, keeping me in place and forcing my eyes back into his. "What can I offer you, Kay? All I've done is cause you pain. I am the reason you were tortured. I am the reason you were taken by the Wasters." He swallows. "I am the reason you don't have a family."

"I don't blame you for any of that." I choke. I can feel my flesh begin to bruise beneath his fingers. "How many times must we go through this, Will? Forgive yourself so that we can move on."

"I can't." Two simple words are like daggers through my heart.

"That's the truth of it then?" I push him off of me with more force than necessary. "You would rather hold on to this guilt than be with me."

He doesn't say anything. We stare at each other, shoulders heaving as we draw shallow breaths, a million threats, insults and broken promises hanging unseen between us.

"I am not going anywhere." I tell him. "You can try to push me away, Will, but this City needs us both." And I need you.

Despite his hunched, broken appearance a spark of the old rebel leader still flashes in his steely eyes. "Eventually you will realize that you are better off without me."

"Don't you dare tell me what to feel."

He rises slowly, getting to his feet and pulling on his trousers from where they lay discarded on the floor. My small bed suddenly appears vast and empty as I watch him dress.

"Are you really so desperate for order and understanding that you would throw this away?" I ask.

He straightens, leaving his shirt unbuttoned as he pulls his torn jacket over his shoulders. "I don't want to throw anything away. I just need some time."

"Go on and think then, Will. That's what you excel at, isn't it? Go plan how best to feel, then come back and speak to me."

"I don't mean it that way."

"I'm not going to be jerked around like this. How about I make it very simple for you? Either you love me, accept me and want to be with me or you don't." Saying the words aloud causes the wound in my heart to tear anew.

"Kay..."

"Enough, Will. Go. What could possibly be left to say."

His hand runs over the stubble on his head as he watches me, imploring. "I only want to remind you that I used to be like you. There was a time when I was too impulsive. You know where that path lead me."

To my family's home. To my parent' deaths. For the briefest of moments I find myself wavering.

"The difference is that I learned from my mistakes. Why can't you?" He finishes.

My eyes flick back up towards him as a steely resolve shudders through me. "Because I'm not wrong."

He flinches. "And you can't change, not even for me?"

I gaze up at him, at his tall figure looming above me, his heart laid bare.

"No."

A pained look crosses his features and I am reminded acutely of a conversation we had not so long ago, in an alleyway behind a pub.

"You should leave." I say softly as I tear my eyes away from him and look pointedly at the door.

He stays rooted in place, staring at me until his face changes from hurt to determination. "This isn't over."

A hollow thud ricochets through my chest. "Go."

He pauses another moment, as though he wants to say something else. Finally, he turns on his heel and pads the short distance across the small room, disappearing into the darkened hall.

I pick up a pillow and hurl it after his retreating figure, collapsing back onto the bed and drawing my legs up to my chest. The pain ripping through me is almost exquisite in its agony, nightmarish and all-consuming.

The moonlight cruelly illuminates the vacated spot next to me, his indentation still acutely visible. I nearly choke on my breath and shut my eyes tight, unable to bear the sight of those sad, rumpled sheets, gradually growing cold in his absence.