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A L I C E

ALICE DUNLAP HAD A pimple. It was red, irritated—about to blow at any moment. The spot was painful, as well as painfully obvious, and the girl had never felt anything like it or the shame that came with it, before. It was right in the middle of her cheek, bouncing atop the skin every time she dared to mutter a word.

The girl had dealt with much worse, only having freshly healed from the extreme bruising done to her face several weeks ago. But this spot seemed to be all that she could focus on when the entire world was, collectively, a bigger problem. Alice had a wide variety of issues to choose from, and instead her mind could only handle the impact of the zit on her face.

She figured that all of her problems—that she was using the distraction of the pimple to ignore—were probably the cause of the small spot. The girl had lived a dozen lifetimes worth of stress, but only now was she beginning to show it. Now that society and unlimited access to mirrors were once again a part of her life.

Alice had no idea how to approach this ongoing Carol situation. She didn't even know if she was ever going to approach it. It was too much to wrap her head around while simultaneously making perfect sense. It gave a darkness to the woman who she never thought was capable of doing such things. But Carol was capable, Elliot was dead and now Sam Anderson was living in fear.

Despite the morbid details about her brother's death lingering in the back of her mind, the most disheartening thing, to Alice, was realizing how much she and Carol now had in common.

They were both lying to the people around them, harboring guns and putting on an act. Although approaching their tactics rather differently, neither of them were ready to put their second foot in the door of Alexandria, and that was all that mattered in the grand scheme of things.

It was hard for Alice to go about her new life with such a secret. She'd never really kept one before. The girl itched to tell someone about it—that someone being Carl Grimes. But talking to Carl in such a familiar manner was not an option anymore. Things between Alice and her only true confidante had changed, indefinitely.

So, while she and Carl lounged about in his new room, the two silently worked on their homework. Well, Alice worked on their homework, as the boy had handed his assignment over to the girl several minutes ago.

The only thing getting her through this awkward encounter was the fact that Glenn had promised her that she could go on the run with them, later that morning. It'd been over a week since she'd been outside those walls, and she was craving the fresh air. This outing was yet another thing that she felt she was keeping from Carl, while sitting just a few feet away from him.

The girl couldn't have felt too guilty about this whole thing, because she now owed the boy absolutely nothing. And Alice was well aware at how good he'd become at keeping secrets.

Her eyebrows furrowed in concentration as she read through the one textbook that they were supposed to share. Luckily, there were two particular copies of this book floating around Alexandria, so Alice and Carl got their own and the three other teens had the other. That was the whole reason the two were even bothering to spend time together. Carl never seemed to be around the girl unless he was forced into doing so.

Their assignment was a list of questions about a certain chapter—those questions of which, each of the teens had to write down on their own sheet of paper, before leaving class. Alice couldn't help but notice how awful Carl's handwriting was.

She didn't know whether the boy wanted to quickly get out of class, or if he was just that much out of practice with the use of a pencil. Considering that his hands had spent more time gripping onto a gun in his lifetime than stationary, Alice figured the latter was probably the case.

The girl could hardly focus on the assignment with so much going on inside of her head.

Her mind was buzzing about the gun planted underneath her bed frame. Carol's words to Sam echoed around, bouncing around the corners of her brain that she only wished she could suppress. She could feel the pimple pulsating atop her skin. Her body was anxiously awaiting Glenn to come retrieve her for the run.

And, lastly, she could feel Carl's stare burning into her face.

She could feel his gaze switch from the ceiling—where his stare was previously held—to her face. The girl instantly became self-conscious, figuring that Carl had spotted the zit.

"D—Did you know that the eye is the fastest-healing part of the body?" Alice tore her eyes away from the textbook, looking towards the boy, fiddling with the pencil in her hands. She hoped that she could distract him from focusing on the insecurity.

It was painfully obvious that Carl was not expecting her to speak, as his stare at her face took a moment to finally break.

The boy slightly shook his head, his face forming small crinkles upon his confusion. "What?"

"Did you kn—"

"I heard you the first time." Carl cut her off. He seemed anything but intrigued by her comment as he sat up on his bed, leaning against the pillows. "Is that from one of the homework questions?"

"No," Alice sighed, shaking her head. Her cheeks filled with air as she gently blew some from between her lips. "I just read it and thought it was interesting, that's all."

"Oh."

"Yeah," She started, once again. "Well, really, it's only the cornea. But I still th—"

"Alice," The boy's eyebrows furrowed, as he became increasingly concerned. "What's going on?"

The girl missed hearing that. She missed hearing her name roll off of his tongue. She missed that worried look on his face—like he was at her full attention. She missed the boy who used to care enough about her to pry.

"Nothing," She rapidly shook her head. "It's just..."

After the silence grew stronger, Carl slightly leaned forward. "Just what?"

"We don't have to be friends or anything, alright?" The girl sighed in defeat, her lips moving before her mind could approve of her words. "It just doesn't have to be so quiet."

Alice could not decipher the expression that spread across the boy's face. A few moments of silence passed before she returned her exasperated eyes back to the textbook, once again gripping at its edges with her fingers.

"You don't think we're friends?" The boy quietly asked. He almost sounded hurt.

She inhaled a deep breath, exhaling it as she mindlessly flipped to the next page. "Can you really blame me?"

"Yes," Carl started, with an urgency. "I can."

Alice huffed, still not pulling her eyes away from the textbook. She could feel the flush pass along the tops of her cheeks as they were left with an unpleasant, obvious warmth.

"Do you really feel like we aren't friends, anymore?" The boy persisted.

"I kind of tried to kill you." The girl sucked in a breath as she briefly shut her eyes. She then hesitantly lifted them to meet Carl's. "You know, back at that barn."

He began to shake his head. "I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that."

Alice could not decipher whether Carl was playing dumb about the ongoing awkwardness between them or genuinely had no idea what was going on in her head. The girl would've hoped that the boy had known her well enough to figure it out, by now.

"It's not just that." She shook her head. "You know it's not just that. Ever s—"

"Ever since I ruined it," Carl started. "Our friendship."

The boy's tone leveled out as he admitted the root of the problem. They both knew what was up, but had become so accustomed to the elephant in the room that, over time, they just ended up making room for it.

Alice Dunlap didn't know how to respond. She didn't want to lie to the boy, but she was so exhausted with his guilt. Resenting him was exhausting. She could no longer stew on the truth about her father because the way it constantly lingered in the back of her mind was more than enough.

"Ever since we got here." She finished his sentence. "It just h—hasn't been the same between us."

The girl watched as his chest slowly rose and fell. His face was unreadable as he pondered her words very carefully.

"Do you want it to be the same?" Carl retorted.

Alice sucked in a breath. "Do you?"

The boy began to shake his head, only for a moment, which created a sinking feeling in Alice's stomach.

"You didn't answer my question." He said.

For a second, Alice thought that one of her many worst nightmares was about to come true. She thought Carl was done—that he'd had enough of this push-and-pull relationship that the girl had been complicating. But, for now, she was still left suspenseful.

She shrugged. "I'll answer yours if you answer mine."

The two teens stared at each other. They both knew the answer. They both knew that the other person did want things to go back to the way they were. That's what they'd wanted this entire time. But wanting and receiving were two very different entities, in this world.

"Alice, I—"

A knock on Carl's open bedroom door startled them. Both of their gazes flicked toward Glenn standing in the doorway.

The man smiled at the two, as they stared at him with slightly widened eyes. "Alice, we're leaving in five."

"Okay," Alice sighed, trying to act nonchalant about her plans that Carl—so far—knew nothing about. "I'll see you in a few."

Glenn offered a grin before retreating into the hallway, leaving Alice lonesome under the stare of an angry Carl.

The girl tried to ignore the parted lips of the boy who also raised an eyebrow at her, as she dramatically sighed and closed their textbook. "Don't worry, I'll finish this when we get back. It'll be ready for class, tomorrow."

She'd hoped that if she played it cool, that Carl might not question where she was going. After all, he seemed to be caring about anything but her lately.

Alice opened the textbook in her arms before delicately placing their assignments in between some random pages. She waited for the boy to say something—anything—but he seemed too frozen to speak.

The girl offered him a nervous smile, before swiftly heading towards the open door. She quickly breathed out a huff of relief that she'd almost fully gotten away while Carl was still on his state of shock.

But, before she ever got to the door, Alice was whisked backwards by the door quickly closing right in front of her face.

She faced the being who'd shut the door, as he firmly stepped his way in between the two. "What is your problem?"

"Does my dad know about this?" Carl squinted his angry eyes at her.

The girl couldn't help but feel elated at the fact that he held such a panic about her safety. It was so typical of the boy to want to keep her behind the walls, no matter what. It'd been a while since Alice had seen this side of him.

But, she needed this. She needed to escape the shelter and remind herself of reality. What she needed had become more important than what the boy wanted. She was not going to be able to do that under the close watch of Carl Grimes.

"Glenn talked to him this morning," Alice started, tilting her head in a sarcastically cheerful manner. "Now, if you'll move out of my way..." She trailed off.

The boy clenched his jaw, now knowing how powerless and helpless he had become on her behalf. "Why are you doing this?"

Alice Dunlap knew that he was asking so much more than his words let on. She knew that this was another wedge driven between the two. She could practically feel the heat of the steam coming from Carl's ears. She knew that he wanted her to stay where he could keep an eye on her—she just wanted to hear him say it.

For a few moments, the girl said nothing. Instead, she approached him, not leaving much space between herself and the boy pressed up against the door.

Her eyebrows twitched to a snarky raise. "I'll tell you all about it when I come back."

Carl, awestricken, said nothing. He stared at the girl with an angrily blank expression, before she shoved by him, opening the door despite his wishes. The girl traveled down the dim hallway, clutching the textbook in her determined fist.

"If you come back."

☆

Carl's passive-aggressive words were the only thing that Alice could focus on, as she chose a gun from the armory and loaded into the back of the van. She clutched onto the weapon, letting her fingers curl around it as Glenn and Aiden loaded into it, causing everyone in the back of the van to slightly sway back and forth.

She listened as Tara continued to pry Noah about some girl he'd met in Alexandria. Everybody knew that Tara was just finding anything to talk about, as the woman was a compulsive jokester.

Alice was fine with her antics, until she realized that she'd caught Tara's eye. "And what about you and our favorite little deputy?"

"Nothing worth mentioning." A nervous smile took over the girl's face, as she tried to blend in with the rest of the run crew.

"So," Tara started, a smile brightening up her face—a mischievous smile that Alice had learned to dread. "I guess I shouldn't mention that our favorite little deputy has turned into our favorite little stalker?"

Alice's eyebrows furrowed, as she'd finally failed to understand one of Tara's jokes. That was, until Tara lifted one hand, using it to shield her other hand as she pointed out the back window of the van. This caused Alice and Noah's heads to turn in the same direction.

It didn't take long for the two to spot Carl leaning against the garage door of the armory. His arms were tightly folded over his abdomen and his gaze was locked on the tinted windows of the back of the van—the windows that did not allow him a glance inside.

For a moment, the girl felt remorseful. That was until she remembered what he said, just a few moments prior. This might have been the one sassy remark of his that she hoped wouldn't come back to bite him—or even worse, her.

Alice returned her gaze back to Tara and Noah, who were anticipating her response. "He's just..." She trailed off. Her lips continued to move, for a few moments, despite her voice stopping in its tracks. "Feeling left out."

"Looks like he caught a case of F.O.M.O." Tara started, causing a playful smile to arise underneath Alice's rolling eyes. "Or should I say F.O.M.A."

"What's F.O.M.O.?" Noah asked the two of them.

The girl had hardly spoken to Noah—even making it a point not to do so. She felt too connected to him after everything with Beth, and the boy also seemed to be in the right place, at the right time, when Carl began looking for a new friend.

"Fear of missing out." Tara answered Noah, harnessing another mischievous grin. She then dramatically turned her head towards Alice. "But what I think lover-boy has is the fear of missing Alice."

The girl began to laugh. "Do not call him that."

"Why not?" Tara began to whine. "It's so fun."

"And it's kind of true," Noah chimed in, offering Alice a charming smile. The girl felt singled out at first, but began to sink into the warmth of his sincere expression. "I always catch him staring at you."

"Really?" The girl became intrigued. "Does he ever say anything about me?"

Alice had never felt inclined to speak to Noah, but now that gossip—and especially gossip about Carl—was involved, she was beginning to think that he wasn't so bad.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Tara repeatedly raised her eyebrows.

Alice stared as she outstretched her foot, using it to playfully nudge Tara's leg. "Actually, I probably really don't want to know."

Contrary to her words, the girl looked over at Noah suggestively, as if she was expecting him to answer her question, anyways. But, from the looks of it, the boy seemed to have regretted even chiming in at all.

Noah raised his hands, in defense. "I probably shouldn't be getting in the middle of all of this."

The girl's expression dropped as she realized what this meant. This meant that Noah knew about their complicated history, while Alice assumed he'd been as in the dark as Tara. This meant that Carl had told him about her and that there was an actual possibility that she really didn't want to hear what he'd said. The only reason for Noah to backtrack so suddenly was that he didn't want to repeat things that Carl had told him.

"But," He spoke up after a few moments of Alice's disappointed silence. "Only because he needs to work up the courage to say it, himself."

The girl looked up from her gaze on her twiddling fingers, as she repeatedly outstretched them. A prominent smile was flashed across Noah's face, allowing her to grant a small one back to him.

This somewhat soothed her, as she now had to live with the anticipation that Carl had something to say to her. She knew that Noah wouldn't rub such a thing in her face, had Carl wanted to tell her that he hated her or something. The girl's disappointment soon turned into a giddy nervousness.

But, along with the anticipation of a repaired friendship, Alice could not forget the crispness of Carl's voice as he spoke those last few words to her. A last-minute remark tossed over his shoulder ever-so-casually had the capability of predicting a likely future.

☆

A pimple had become the absolute last item on the list of things occurring in Alice Dunlap's mind. Her eyes had seen so much—her body had felt so much since her focus was on the small dot.

The pain, the aching, and the mental anguish buzzed around in the corners of her numb mind as she sat on her bed, curled up in her sheets. The feeling of the cool wall against her upper back was nothing compared to the chills that rattled around her body.

She thought she'd seen the most of it. She'd seen her brother's body. She'd witnessed the aftermath of her fortified home turned to ash and rubble. She saw the bullet emerge from Beth's skull. But this—this was a new one.

Her hands pressed against the glass, just opposite of Noah's as she watched, heard, experienced, and become enveloped in his fate. Noah died right in front of her, just like Beth did.

The same dead girl who'd kept Alice in strong avoidance of the boy, was now his maker to be met. They were together somewhere, if somewhere even existed. And, if not, then they were together in the minds of everyone who knew them. Especially, their deaths remained on the backs of Alice's eyelids every time she closed her eyes.

Alice and Noah had briefly bonded on the van ride. Alice wondered why she was ever so afraid and jealous of him.

Noah wanted to be an architect. He'd just spoken to Reg, that morning, about learning from him as an apprentice. The boy had become fully invested in Alexandria and everything it had to offer, ready to give the community everything that he had to offer.

Alice wished that she was more like Noah—optimistic and devoted. The ride outside the gates granted her an entirely new perspective on Alexandria, one that she finally felt ready to explore.

But, coming back inside the gates wiped any hopeful perspective clean from her mind. She entered the gates with a few scrapes and bruises that she had not noticed, could not feel and did not care about. Sitting in the back of the van, staring at the empty seat that he once sat in, distracted her from her re-entry into her new home.

Alice had no idea how much time had passed since she first engulfed herself in her sheets. The world had been motionless ever since she'd gotten out of her shower. She could still envision the blood swirling down the shower drain.

Nothing could've torn her vacant stare away from her unfinished homework assignment, as the corners of the page stuck out of the textbook sitting atop her dresser. It was as if all of her senses were heightened as she recounted all that'd happened since she closed the book.

The slow swirling of shadows cast underneath her door dilated her pupils and broke her out of the fog. Whoever was approaching the door was still far down the hall, making no noise as they trekked silently in the quiet house.

The shadows became more and more distinct as they got closer to her door. Two shadows soon planted themselves in front of her door, as she furrowed her eyebrows. Several moments passed before she heard a soft knuckle tapping on her door.

Alice said and did nothing. She didn't care who was behind the door. She didn't care if they came in or if they left. It wasn't like anything really mattered anymore.

The girl's lack of reaction had no effect on the shadowy figure standing beyond her door. They did not leave or even retreat in the slightest.

Her eyebrows furrowed as her doorknob began to turn, slowly. But, as the girl could form no response to the knock, she couldn't muster one up to the intruder, either.

She watched as the silhouette of the figure—Carl Grimes—tip-toed into her room, immediately turning around to quietly shut the door behind himself. He had not noticed the girl staring at him, from the dark corner of her bed.

The boy braced himself before turning toward Alice's bed, only to finally realize that he had not gone unnoticed. He silently gasped to himself. "I figured you were already asleep."

Alice shook her head.

She wished she could've come up with something witty. The girl was usually quick to banter, converse, and anything of the sort. But, no response other than a conversational reflex would be made from the girl.

Carl continued to stand in the middle of her dark room, seeming of having no intention to speak anytime soon. Alice watched him before flicking her eyes between him and the distant corner of her bed. The boy, without words, got the hint and slowly made his way across the room. Alice felt the bed dip as he sat down across from her.

The girl wondered to herself what the reason for Carl's visit could've possibly been. He hadn't spent time with her, voluntarily, in weeks. Obviously a lot had happened that day, but what was the straw that had broken Carl Grimes' back?

Was it that he now had no other friends? Was it that he felt pity for the girl? Was he coming to get closure about his friend's final moments? Was he guilty about what he'd said to her?

After several moments of the boy sitting silently, Alice sharply inhaled. "It's way past curfew."

"You really care about curfew?" The boy's eyebrow raised with a sly twitch.

She shrugged. "No."

"D—Do you want me to leave, then?" Carl suggested.

Alice's body felt that much more hollow at the thought of answering his question. She finally had the opportunity to make him feel how she felt for the past couple of weeks. But the girl wanted him to stay more than she wanted to carry the bitter taste in her mouth.

She shook her head.

"Okay." He muttered.

More silence passed over the two teens. Each second became more painful than the last.

Alice sighed, shaking her head. "Why are you here?" Her voice cracked out.

Carl shrugged. "It was harder finding reasons not to be here."

Another round of quietness occurred between Alice and Carl. Only the sound of the house settling kept the two in real time. They avoided eye contact with each other, not that it really mattered. Not much could've been seen in such darkness.

"Are you okay?" He asked, the defeat dripping from his voice.

Alice hesitated. "I'll be fine."

"That's not what I asked." He lifted his gaze to meet hers. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She tilted her head. "Do you want to hear about it?"

Carl said nothing, instead swallowing a lump in his throat.

Alice briefly pulled her lips into a sarcastically forced smile. "So much for that idea."

The conversation fizzled out, familiarizing the echoing quietness in the atmosphere. Alice and Carl sat in another silence, this one more knowing than the last.

Alice's eyebrows furrowed when Carl began to stand up. For a moment, she'd figured he was leaving. Any bit of comfort that'd accumulated inside her had vanished at the thought of him walking back out of that door.

But, instead, the boy began to move towards the head of her bed. He motioned to her pillows. "Which one do you use?"

Alice reached around to her backside and pulled out her pillow that she'd been leaning on. "This one, why?"

The boy shrugged, brushing off her question.

He then gently took her spare pillow in his fist, before tossing it onto the floor beside her bed. Alice watched in silence as the boy then slipped the fuzzy throw blanket off of her bed, and draped it over himself as he sat down on the floor.

The bed creaked as Alice leaned over its edge to look at Carl. "What are you doing?"

He intertwined his fingers, lying both of his palms against his abdomen as he allowed his head and neck to sink into the pillow. The thin blanket atop his legs didn't seem to be doing much.

"Getting comfortable." His non-answer echoed through her ears.

A warmth filled her body—the sweet sensation of safety and familiarity—as she realized that the boy wasn't going anywhere, and that she would not be alone if she decided to sleep, ponder, pace or chat his ear off.

Alice didn't quite know what she wanted to hear, just like Carl didn't quite know what he wanted to say. But, for the first time in a very long time, he was letting her enjoy his company—and more importantly his protection. She'd missed this side of him, only wishing that she was able to see it under different circumstances.

She felt bad for the discomfort he would feel into the night. She wanted to recommend him the guest room just across the hall, or even her own bed, but one would bring him too far away for her liking, and one would bring him too close for comfort.

For a few nightly moments, Carl Grimes was just right.

"Night, Alice." He muttered, the nervousness dripping from his voice.

Still mildly confused and taken aback, the girl pulled her lips together. "Goodnight, Carl."

Alice sat back into her mattress, taking her comforter with her. Once she placed her pillow back where it was supposed to be, she let the side of her face sink into it, as she nuzzled herself farther into the blanket.

Her eyes, for a few moments, locked on the textbook sitting atop her dresser. The item that forced the two into the same room was now simply a spectator of all things that remained pure between them. Nothing she could've ever learned from that textbook would've amounted to what she learned from Carl's wordless behavior towards her, in that moment.

Academics were for the future—one they did not have much promise of. But, Carl Grimes was for the now. For Alice Dunlap, that was more than enough.

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4777 words
June 25th, 2024
9:25 AM

A/N

hi guys!! thank you so much for your patience with my "content" over the past few months! I am back and I'm better!

I think I have finally found a balance between working on wattpad while also not spending 24/7 on my phone. So I will be posting a tad bit more and not falling off the face of the earth.

life update: I have heart and blood pressure problems and my bday is tomorrow :p and I'm going to see Sabrina AND Conan in concert

I just wanted to thank everyone reading for hitting 50k on this fic !! WOOOHH!! it's been a year and a half and the journey still feels like a short one.

I ALSO wanted to thank you guys for being the best readers ever in existence. I see other writers complaining about how their readers do XYZ and nothing could ever really bother me from a reader unless they plagiarize me or insult my writing. I love how my hard work does not go unnoticed by everyone and I feel so special all of the time.

you guys are my motivation to keep building this little make-believe world inside of our heads!!

okay I'll stop boring you guys BYE

☆vote if you have a birthday☆