'Modernization'

27-Sep-2030, 1205U

Leo Valdez, Hero of Olympus, Son of Hephaestus

Legion XII Fulminata

Oakland, California, USA

I wanted to go to Arizona with the team. I really did. Seriously, I was understanding why people found shooting to be so much fun. I enjoyed the challenge of hitting the targets, with the AR-15—among other pieces of armament—worming its way into my heart. Plus, the gun was an engineering masterpiece!

Unfortunately, Legio XII Fulminata was calling my name. While Percy, Frank, Hazel, and Reyna went to Rockies' Range, I had to stay back and help out the legionaries with equipment maintenance and training.

Remember those onagers good ol' Octavian acquired? Yeah, the legion still has them. You'd think there'd be some issue with optics and all that, but no, they're still here. Honestly, if you've got it, you might as well hang onto it. Hell, if we failed in Mendocino, we probably would've ended up using them to defend Camp Jupiter.

Ah, yes... Mr. Oracle-from-Wish.com. I gotta say, I wasn't sure what to think of him. Was he a turd? Yeah, based on what I heard. Did I like him? Hell no. But I have to admit, we had no way of proving the eidolon thing, and the optics were not in my favor.

If I had to classify him movie-like, he'd be that one asshole on the good guy's side: he and the hero both fighting for the same thing while fighting each other in the process. I dunno, that's basically my recollection of him, with Frank and Hazel seeming to have slightly worse variations and Reyna's being the same as mine.

Reyna... la reina de mi corazón... honestly, a lovely girl: hot, kickass, and overall just out of my league—sound like anyone else I've met? She's better than Khione, that's for sure (Calypso too). But my penchant for punching above my weight in the world of romance aside, I have been privileged to meet and know a different side of Reyna: her softer side, one she's been more expressive of in the years since we've started dating, even with others.

She can still tap into her warrior spirit when needed—drawing upon that virtus and disciplina, if I'm remembering the terms correctly—but most otherwise, she's warm and wonderful, calm yet fun-loving. A major 180 from when I first met her, undoubtedly, but one that I think was for the best. Plus, a few Roman ideas have rubbed off on me, and I think we've really brought out the best in each other.

And to think it took Frank freaking Zhang handcuffing us together—because he was fed up with us arguing incessantly—for us to reach this point. Not some Aphrodite bullshit, not an intervention from anyone that made any remote sense... but Frank.

Speaking of, when we were in the mess hall for lunch, I received some messages on the Leophone 2.0 from Frank: pictures and videos of him, Hazel, and Frank running through a course with instruction from Mr. Kyung. I thought they were pretty good... until I saw the Korean man run the course himself as a full speed demo.

I shit you not, it looked like something out of Call of Duty. If he was among the famed Roof Koreans I'd heard about, he probably could've saved all of LA by himself before dinner. Throw his wife into the mix and they'd be done before lunch.

Little does that small, middle-aged man realize that he just bested three immortals... two of whom specialize in war.

I chuckled at the thought, typing it out and sending it to Frank, only to receive a very strong "go jump in the ocean" from him. I suppose that's one thing that hasn't changed in the years following the war with Gaea: his near-complete inability to curse.

"Excuse me, Dux Alexios?" a voice said behind me, a turn revealing its source to be Legate Reed, who looked grimy, tired, and annoyed—something common amongst all the legates I've met, in retrospect.

"Huh? What is it?"

"We have a bit of an issue."

"... okay? Look, dramatic pauses are my and Zeus's thing, so just tell me, man."

"Urgh... the Hunt is here."

"... excuse me, what the hell?"

"The Hunt is here. Right at the end of Caldecott Tunnel."

"... why?"

"I wish I knew. I'm assuming we can't use them as target practice."

"Just... just let me handle it," I sighed, standing from my seat. "Keep an eye on them, but don't get too close."

"You sure you should handle this, Dux?" Reed asked with a raised eyebrow. "Wouldn't it be better to get Consul Marcella for this?"

"She's busy, bro. I know the Lieutenant of the Hunt, it'll be fine. Just remember what I said."

Cover maintained—because our little fireteam experiment was to remain a secret—I made my way over to the field outside Caldecott Tunnel. There was a surprisingly large group of approximately thirty girls present. Making matters worse, Thalia was nowhere to be seen, meaning I'd have to deal with Diana and a bunch of teenage girls with social media levels of cringe.

"Hello, hello, and welcome to Camp Jupiter!" I greeted, deciding to go with the diplomatic approach with a sprinkle of the dramatic. "It is I, Alexios!"

"Your showmanship aside, I was wondering if we could stay here temporarily," Diana said, her tone as professional as it was the last time I saw her. "We have been hunting the Teumessian Fox for several weeks, but with no success, just encountering Lycanthropes and some oddly placed dracanae. We're running low on medical supplies and frankly, I've already asked Apollo for plenty."

"So instead of just keeping the matter between the two of you, you're involving a third party?"

"... yes."

"Uh... I mean, I can probably get you the med stuff easy. As to you staying... this ain't CHB, we don't have anywhere you can bunk."

"Worry not, we will make camp on a field and stay out of the legion's way. We do not plan to consume its resources... at least, beyond those medical supplies, and we are willing to trade for those. We have wild pigs, pheasants, and some weaponry we acquired from the dracanae encounters."

"So... you stole their weapons?"

"To be precise, they were launched and/or thrown at us—arrows, manuballista bolts, javelins, and the like."

"... and you're serious about this?"

"Of course. Why would I not be?"

"Just... you know what, never mind. C'mon in and wipe your feet," I invited with a beckon. "I'll show you where you can set up shop. GUARDS, NO NEED TO KILL 'EM!"

"OKAY!" one legionary bellowed from the top of his watchtower, though based on the glint of his sunglasses, he didn't take his eyes off of them... guess Reed passed my words along.

A few minutes later, the Hunt began establishing camp south of Camp Jupiter, out of the legion's way, but still within line of sight and weapons' reach. Diana brought forward one of her healers—a blonde that looked maybe seventeen, the oldest of the group—and had her discuss with me what materials they needed. Unlike the rest of her sisters, Carly was not obnoxious, being quite courteous and even friendly as she ran through her list. After some quick discussion, I ended up walking her over to meet Camp Prefect Kahale—the former primus pilus that was also the legion's main quartermaster.

"Outta curiosity... daughter of Apollo?" I asked to break the silence as we walked.

"Oh, no! My mother's the godly parent: Epione!" she replied.

"... yeah, I don't know who she is."

"She's the goddess of the soothing of pain."

"Your mom's domain is basically ibuprofen?"

"... I guess that's one way to put it, Lord Alexios."

"Please, if you must address me by a title, then let it be the Supreme Commander of the Argo II!" I scoffed, though based on her confused look, she didn't get the joke. "Long story. Maybe ask Thalia or someone about it. Speaking of, where is your Lieutenant?"

"Oh, she's in Oregon right now with some other girls, following up on a potential lead on the Teumessian Fox. Actually, now that I think about it, the info came from Lord Apollo, so..."

"Ah, Mr. See-All, Know-All," I sighed, rolling my eyes at the memories of my brief interaction with him. "Yeah, I dunno how I feel about him. He's half awesome, half horseshit. His Roman form seems a bit better, and we owe him one for coverin' our asses in Mendocino."

"How did you even survive?!" she exclaimed with a shudder. "We barely made it out alive! The fire arrows, the hordes... we couldn't kill a single one! And from what I hear, you got a whole lot of them!"

"To be fair, you just ran in there with forty-ish chicks with bows, arrows, and knives. We went in with guns, bombs, Tyson, and Percy. Hell, we probably could've died before the fighting kicked off, considering' we were barrelin' towards the ground at Mach Jesus from thirty-ish thousand feet."

"You were barrelling—wait, hold on, thirty thousand feet?!"

"I blame Percy."

"If only I had a dollar for everytime I heard that," a deep voice boomed before us, a glance up revealing its source to be the massive figure of Praefectus Castrorum Michael Kahale. "Alexios, who is this?"

"Kahale, meet Carly, Huntress of Diana. Carly, meet Camp Prefect Kahale, the guy I was takin' you to meet," I introduced. Nodding, Kahale extended his hand. After a brief pause out of what seemed to be nerves and/or surprise, she daintily extended hers. Truly, a handshake I don't think anyone would believe occurred unless I caught it on camera.

"Good to meet you, Carly. What's the situation, apart from you staying the night?"

"How did you—never mind. We're low on medical supplies and were hoping we could barter for some."

"... I'm listening."

"We have the meat of freshly hunted wild pigs and pheasants, along with some javelins, arrows, crossbow bolts, and daggers that were launched or thrown at us during some recent encounters."

"Hm... lemme take a look at this stash of yours." And so, we walked back to the encampment, where a majority of the Hunt had already passed out in their tents, save for a few sitting awake with their weapons—likely on guard duty—with Diana standing off to the side in thought.

"You must be the praefectus castrorum," she greeted, Kahale responding with a small bow.

"Lady Diana... hope all is well."

"Indeed... Camp Prefect Kahale, was it not?"

"Yes, ma'am. I was informed by Carly here that you've got some items to barter with."

"Indeed. If I am to take from the legion's supply, I would like to provide some compensation."

As the two talked shop, going over the stash of stuff that was brought out for Kahale to examine, I found myself amazed at Diana's attitude. In my living memory, I can't remember a time that Artemis was actually this reasonable. When it came to CHB, neither she nor the majority of the Hunt seemed to care, they just came in and were effectively Karens. Chiron endured it because he was below the gods and all that, and damn near every camper hated their bitchiness (with Thalia and maybe three to five others usually being courteous or just keeping to themselves, receiving damn near no hate from any campers).

Hell, one of their biggest haters was a daughter of Aphrodite that, funnily enough, was named Karen—who was honestly one of the sweetest, most genuine people I've ever met. Last I heard, she'd moved to Virginia for college and married a mortal man there.

Now, granted, Diana was Roman after all—with most if not all of them being more disciplined and professional as a whole, with their main focus being on the legions—so I couldn't say I was surprised by her... patriotism, I guess? Whatever the case, she and Kahale were chatting like business partners, the latter sounding quite impressed and pleased with the goods.

"I think this will all be quite useful, Lady Diana. I can assemble a package of supplies and have it here within fifteen minutes," the prefect said as he jotted some things in his notebook before stowing it in his back pocket. "I've got some legionaries on a shit detail, so they'll handle the hauling."

"What is this... 'shit detail' you speak of?" the goddess asked curiously.

"A working party, so to speak. They're being disciplined at the moment."

"I see. That is excellent, Praefectus. Virtus and disciplina are quite important for a legionary. You are handling your men well, I see."

"Yes, ma'am. I'll have them over here in five minutes. Are you good otherwise?"

"We are indeed. Thank you."

Nodding, the giant man gave a small bow before lumbering away to get his working party. I bowed, but before I could leave, Diana stopped me.

"Alexios, could I have a word with you?"

"Uh... okay?"

"In private, I mean."

"Riiiight," I replied slowly, with us walking away from the encampment towards the Little Tiber for some privacy. "Okay?"

"Right, well... I did come here for medical supplies for my Huntresses, but that's not the only reason. Truth be told, I was hoping to speak to Perseus," she admitted.

"... Percy? You came here to talk to Percy?"

"Yes, well... er... I have been thrust into a modern world, courtesy of Artemis being a complete bitch. As such, I have little to no knowledge on this new world, and I know that Thalia and Apollo will not always be by my side to explain matters. Perseus, from what I've gathered, seems to have the most knowledge, considering he has been living in the mortal world for two decades. And knowledge is power, to borrow a phrase."

I'm not sure why, but I doubted that Diana wanted to talk to Percy just to learn about the modern world. I guess it made sense, but something didn't add up. Nevertheless, since he wasn't here—and neither was Reyna, Frank, or Hazel—there was only one option.

"Well, he has another engagement at the moment. Whaddaya say I help you out with this?"

"I don't know—"

"C'mon! Sure, ol' Perce might be the most up-to-date, but he'll just chuck you in the deep end! Remember Operation Black Squirrel? Task Force Arrowhead? It'd be a lil' better to go with a crawl, walk, run approach, don'tcha think?"

"I... I suppose..."

"Excellent! Class is now in session, with your professor: Dr. Leo 'Alexios' Valdez!" I exclaimed with a flourish, receiving a small head tilt of confusion. "And now, my apprentice, TO MY WORKSHOP!"

And with that, I broke off at a sprint, eliciting confused noises from the goddess before I finally began to hear footfalls behind me.

"What is this, Alexios?!"

"Lesson #1: things today move faster than a cheetah-skeeter cross-breed on speed on a butter-coated ice rink!"

"... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!"

"Just follow me, Lady D! Your classroom awaits!"

I know, my actions are quite silly and juvenile... but come on, when do you get a chance like this?

Before long, we arrived at the small, garage-like workshop near the consuls' lodgings—home to my projects, documents, myself, and Festus, with my giant metal friend sitting outside, curiously turning towards us so suddenly Diana gasped and stumbled in shock.

"Relax, it's just my buddy! Festus, meet Lady Diana! Lady D, Festus!" I introduced, gesturing to each other, patting my buddy's snout.

"Festus?" she replied, her shock wearing off and being replaced by confusion. "You mean your dragon is—"

"Yes, his name is 'Happy' in Latin, I get it. Jase gave me the same shit the first time they met. C'mon, you can come close, he's friendly."

Some hesitation and instruction later, Diana inched forward and slowly placed her hand on Festus's snout, eliciting a snort and menacing-yet-adorable purr.

"He's... friendly."

"I know. Besides, he's Happy the Dragon, so you can't be surprised. Please, have a seat!" I said, pulling out a chair for her to sit on before grabbing one of the rolling whiteboards that you'd see in a classroom. "Okay, so first of all: you know where you are, right?"

"The province of Commiefornia, is it not?"

"Wha—who told you that?!"

"Perseus mentioned it... though in retrospect, Thalia called the province 'California...'"

"Okay, first of all, Percy was joking—but we ain't gettin' into that now. And it's a state, not a province," I explained as I began jotting notes down. "The state of California is part of the larger United States of America, founded in 1776 when the Declaration of Independence was signed, though one could argue that..."

I then proceeded to give her a very brief and broad explanation of the general history of the USA, often pulling out my phone to search up information. Diana listened intently, often asking questions. Basically the good kid in school that's actually there to learn—which I was not, but we don't talk about that. I even took her over to my gaming computer setup in the back and showed her Google Maps and a few other things. To say she was astounded would be an understatement.

"Great Jupiter!" she gasped. "This has more knowledge than Minerva and the Archives of Olympus combined!"

"Ooh, careful she don't hear you say that," I chuckled, glancing outwards towards the sunny sky, as if an owl was just going to fly in randomly and shit on everything.

"But it cannot see Camp Jupiter or New Rome?"

"Nope. Magic shields us from satellite imaging... though I don't think we're invisible outside of the campgrounds. Probably nothing truly new, considerin' the gods and all, but times have changed."

"Understood... in regards to changes, there is something that has confused me: there seem to be females in the legion."

"Er... yeah."

"They are legionaries? Not nurses or soldiers' wives?"

"If they aren't probatios, yeah. And some of 'em are married."

"That's... strange," she mused after a few moments, before beginning to explain upon my look of confusion. "You see, Alexios, there were never any female legionaries in the days of Rome. Women that wished to fight would usually end up under my command. That or those blasted Amazons, but I couldn't care less about them."

"Wait, are you serious? I thought you two were cool."

"If by 'cool' you mean 'allied,' then we were not. They were irritating Greek brats that seemed more suitable as gladiatrices than proper warriors."

"Gladi—there were female gladiators?" I asked, surprised by this new bit of information.

"Yes, though they were a rarity. Truth be told, it never made sense to me. My Huntresses and I were never ones to conduct large-scale, heavy campaigns like the legionaries—those men were far superior in that regard, as they possessed the strength, armor, weaponry, and manpower to do so. We preferred stealth, agility, precision, grace, and a hint of subterfuge, often gathering information or carrying out small-scale attacks in support of the legions or any Olympian forces. In fact, I do believe the Twelfth Legion Fulminata was one of legions whose advancements were made successful by information we gathered. Few know this, but Pompey would not have been defeated at Pharsalus had it not been for our actions behind enemy lines. And even if they had, there would have been many more losses."

"So that's what Perce was talking about when he said he didn't think the Hunt was meant for heavy or large-scale operations."

"He was right—it's something I found out the hard way in the early days of Rome during our first battle, and Bellona helped to educate me on the matter," she sighed with what sounded like a tone of regret. "Fifteen brave women died because of my foolhardiness. Had it not been for Apollo, there would have been fifteen more."

"Price of leadership," I replied with a small nod. "My condolences, Lady Diana."

"Worry not, Alexios. I have made peace with those ghosts, and hope they have found something like it too. I changed tactics after that catastrophe. We took a more thoughtful approach, reducing our aggression dramatically. We hid in the forests and mountains, always attacked at night, even used disguises to get between places... even if it hurt our dignities."

"What'd you do, dress up like a mobile brothel?" I joked, only to receive a peeved glare in reply.

"... who told you? Was it Mercury?"

"Wha—no! I was joking! ... so that means you—"

"We shall not discuss that topic further. What happened in Burdigala shall forever remain in Burdigala," she hissed, her Roman accent (which sounded kind of Italian, though not Mario-Italian) stronger than ever before. Yes, she has a Roman accent, just like all the Roman gods, with the Greeks having Greek accents—with this being confirmed by a dude I met from Athena Cabin whose dad immigrated from Greece.

That little linguistics lesson aside, I knew it was time to move on because I was an oh-so-wise man and while I wasn't necessarily a woman expert, I could tell when they were pissed about something.

I know, I know, the damn repair boy who lives with machines claims to have some understanding of some of the most confusing life forms of all time—STOP LAUGHING AT ME AND LET'S GET BACK TO THE STORY!

"Alright, whatever you say. I gotta ask outta curiosity: if the Hunt existed before the Romans came along 'cause of the Greeks n' Artemis, were they the same ones serving you?" I asked.

"Them? Please, of course not," Diana scoffed with a roll of her eyes. "They were far too Greek for my taste. Besides, I never had any contact with them, nor they with me."

"Wait, what? How? Don't you and Artemis occupy the same body and mind or something like that?"

"There is no simple way to explain this, Alexios."

"Please, Lady D, try me."

"Very well... you are acquainted with Victoria, are you not?"

"Victoria?"

"Goddess of victory. The Greeks refer to her as 'Nike.'"

"Oh, you mean anti-Adidas! Yeah, what about her?"

"Your odd vernacular aside, do you recall when she seemed to split into two forms—her Greek and Roman halves? The same thing occurred, but the schism was far more extreme, with us becoming two separate beings for a long time. Artemis was incredibly weak, but she managed to disappear with her Huntresses, so I had to build my group from the ground up."

"Gotcha... wait a sec, how did you know about our meeting with Nike?"

"You are one of the new gods. I asked Apollo to tell me as much as he could about you."

"Ah... gotcha. Maybe that's how Kahale knew about y'all then. Guess Octavian's gift of foresight rubbed off on him somehow."

"I don't believe that's how it works, Alexios," she replied, apparently not picking up on my sarcasm. "Besides, in my experience, it's because he's the praefectus castrorum."

"What, you think he's a walking god or something?"

"He may not be immortal, but in my experience, the praefecti castrorum were the best soldiers in the Roman army—gods among men, to borrow a phrase—thanks to their wealth of experience and knowledge. In the few times I directly interacted with legionaries, I often found them the best men to work with."

"So... you simped for the praefecti castrorum, Lady D?" I snorted, biting back laughter the best I could.

"What do you mean by 'simp?'"

Hm... I wonder if there's a limit as to how far I can go.

"Well... it basically means that you like them."

"Well... I suppose so, yes. They are professional soldiers."

"No, no, no, I mean... like-like."

"... what are you asking me, Alexios?"

I might be treading dangerous waters here... oh well.

"I mean, do you like 'em in the sense that you'd let 'em screw you?"

"'Screw?'"

Crap. Very poor choice of words.

"Y'know, let's move o—"

"Alexios, what does 'screw' mean?"

"... participate in intercourse with," I sighed, hoping the academic-like phrasing would help my case.

Note to self: create a mind-reading robot that shuts you up before you say dumb shit like this.

"Wha—great Olympus, Alexios!" she gasped angrily. "What kind of woman do you think I am?! I am a maiden goddess, not some common whore!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I exclaimed, raising my hands in surrender as I tried to figure out how to not piss her off further. "That wasn't my intention, no! I mean, no, I don't think of you as a... well, 'common whore,' to quote you. I'm just saying that you seem to hold a lot of admiration for the camp prefects, and given your status as a maiden goddess, I suspected that there were affections involved. Y'know, romancing, holding off on the screwing until marriage or at least deep in dating?"

Godammit, that robot would be really useful right now.

"... well, no I do not. I am a maiden goddess, one never to be in the company of men except for family—like Apollo—or allies in wartime. No romance or any of that foolhardy 'screwing,' as you put it," she answered firmly.

"Okay... so we're good then. I'm sorry and all that, really. We good, Lady D?"

"Indeed."

And so it went for the next couple of hours as I continued to bring her up to speed on the modern world, using the Internet to great effect. It was funny seeing her fascination with modern technology and the wealth it held. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought she was actually a child of Athena—or maybe a more childlike version of the goddess herself—particularly with her reaction to Wikipedia.

She was laughing her ass off at some of the stuff on Apollo's page, particularly at the images ("They look as if they are drunk!"). Though, with her laughter and debunking of a couple of the details came some disgust ("WHERE IS HIS TOGA?!").

And then we ended up at her Wikipedia page. The reactions? Well...

"WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?!" she shrieked, angrily pointing at the paintings by Paul-Jacques-Aimé Baudry and Giampietrino. "I WAS NEVER THAT FAT!"

Since I was rather attached to my life—including my ability to help create it—I decided not to comment and let her rant. She seemed more content about the statues Fuente de la Diana Cazadora and Diana (in her defense, those two seemed a bit closer to matching her figure than the aforementioned paintings) except for the fact that...

"WHERE IS MY DRESS?!"

Should I tell her that there were lots of naked sculptures and paintings back in the day? ... maybe another time, or at least with some heavy armor between me and her.

"Say, I gotta... do something real quick, okay?" I said, desperate for a quick way out. Just gimme a few minutes, okay?"

"I ASK YOU, WHAT IMBECILE DECIDED THAT I SHOULD BE SHOWN WITHOUT MY DRESS?! OR ANY SORT OF GARMENTS? ARE THEY TRYING TO MAKE A WHORE OUT OF ME?! BLASTED—"

"Festus, watch her!" I hissed as I dashed away, leaving my poor metal buddy confused as shrieks of anger continued to flow from within the workshop. To try and clear my head of that madness, I hustled over to Principia to ask Kahale about the trade, where I found the camp prefect leaning against the wall, writing something in that notebook he always carried.

"Ah, Dux. We have it all taken care of... come to think of it, the deal went down hours ago. What's up?" he asked.

"I don't think you'd believe me if I told you, man," I sighed, eliciting a scoff from the bigger man.

"The hell is it with you prophecy kids and getting into jackassed situations?"

"Dude, I'd love to know that myself."

"Say, when're they getting back? Marcella, Trajan, n' Ecaterina? And how come they left you behind this time?"

"Firstly, I stayed behind because of the equipment that damn near nobody is an expert in. And secondly, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Look, I'm not dumb. You're discreet, but not that discreet. Though, I'm fairly certain I'm the only one that actually noticed. Everyone else is too busy worrying about other things."

Damn... she was right. The camp prefect is good.

"Okay," I sighed, half-relenting. "Remember Mendocino? We've been researching and developing techniques for taking down these new monsters. We've been pooling our knowledge and consulting some outside help—who we need to keep a secret, hence why we didn't loop you in."

It was the truth, but not the whole truth. I stared down the half-immortal prefect, his face unwavering as he stared right back for a few moments before nodding.

"I'm taking your word for it," he finally said, pocketing his notebook and pen. "And I'll keep it quiet. Let me know if you need a team to test this stuff on a larger scale—you gods can learn and retain knowledge faster n' we can, so we gotta know how long it takes to train up our significantly more average personnel. Then there's also the matter of equipment and other relevant logistics when expanding those techniques."

Huh... professional soldier indeed.

"You got it, Kahale."

"I gotta head out now. Have a good one." And with that, the giant camp prefect lumbered away, off to do whatever it is camp prefects do. Another day in the life, I guess.

I was occupied in the legion area for a bit longer as several legionaries asked me to assist them with some of their buildings' utilities and whatnot, making me wonder where in the hell all of Dad's kids were. Perhaps he was more... active, so to speak, with his Greek half than his Roman one? I also assisted a few Fourth Cohort builders with the wall, a section of which had collapsed due to one idiot's incompetence—so much for that architecture degree of his.

He built the wall, it collapsed because of his dumbassery, and now, he paid for it after I demoted him to cinder block carrier, helping out with the reconstruction for a little while before their centurion came along and took over. Romans are expert builders, yes, but there are exceptions to every rule, I suppose.

Oh, mierda.

I realized that I had left Diana alone... with my computer... in my workshop... for about one hour now. She was obviously much more civil than her subordinates or her Greek counterpart, but that didn't keep me from booking it back. Organic life forms and machinery don't mix, you know.

Thankfully, my workshop seemed to be intact. The goddess, for some reason, was standing outside, pacing and muttering like a madman (er, madwoman?) while Festus looked on in confusion. As soon as he locked eyes with me, he let out a series of creaks and squeaks that roughly translated to... "traumatized."

Wait, what?

"Er, Lady D? You okay?" I asked as I cautiously approached her. She whirled around, revealing a face that indeed looked horrified... as if she saw something she shouldn't have seen.

"Alexios, you must destroy that machine! It's been cursed by Venus!" she exclaimed.

"... what?"

"It's cursed by Venus! Not even Mercury would commit such an unethical act! It must be destroyed and its ashes cast into the depths of Tartarus!"

"LD, what the hell are you talking about?"

"That machine! Those images! They... agh!"

"Okaaaaaaaay... one second, please," I replied as I strode into the workshop, even more confused than I was initially. And then I saw the computer. It appeared that she had discovered Google Images, and while sifting through the pictures of herself—I guess to see if they were more flattering and modest than the Wikipedia ones—she clicked on a certain search suggestion.

A suggestion known as Rule 34.

I couldn't help but explode in laughter at just how stupid this situation was. I was educating a maiden goddess on the modernization of our world, with her yelling at Wikipedia for having nudes of her—some of which displayed her with more mass than she actually had—and being traumatized by Rule goddamn 34 images of herself.

I know I'd probably feel the same way if I saw myself like this... but it ain't happening to me right now!

Composing myself, I cleared my browser history and closed the application before stepping back outside.

"Lady D, it's okay! It hasn't been cursed by Venus! You just clicked the wrong thing!" I explained.

"Impossible! What does 'Rule 34' have to do with such degenerate images?! It must be Venus!" she protested.

"Relax, LD! I know machines. It ain't cursed, I promise. It's all good now. You have my word. And a man's word is his honor, ain't it?"

"If he is a spy or politician, that is not quite the case, Alexios... but you had best be careful. Not even Father knows what sort of antics Venus commits."

"I'll be careful, I promise... now, regarding our lessons—"

"I'm not going near that machine."

"You don't need to! I thought it'd be better for you to learn some modern linguistics..."

And so went another two hours as we sat next to Festus, feeding him some thirty-weight infused Tabasco with every now and again as I brought the goddess up to speed on phrases and sayings she would probably hear. And the reactions... hilarious as ever. For example:

Throwing someone under the bus ("Wait, that box of metal and glass Apollo drives? Is that not murder?")

All thumbs ("But what of your toes, feet, legs, arms, head...")

Under the weather ("Unless you are flying, there is no way to not be under any weather!")

Once in a blue moon ("WHEN HAVE I EVER BECOME BLUE?! WAS IT ARTEMIS?!")

Cat out of the bag ("Why was the cat in a bag in the first place? Was someone going to eat it?")

Sit tight ("... how?")

Break wind ("Is that not what happens when you attack venti with a melee weapon?")

Slowly, but surely, we made progress. While I obviously couldn't teach her everything, I was able to at least help her out. Plus, I could definitely say that the goddess now owed me a favor—though if her track record was like that of other immortals, it would be very unlikely I would ever get that favor. Still, I can say I had a good time doing it.

"Alexios... you have my thanks," she said once we finished up around 6:45 PM, as she had to depart soon to handle the Moon Chariot—something she technically didn't need to do herself, but she wanted to.

"Sure thing, Lady D. Happy to help," I replied with a small grin, the grin growing as four figures emerged from the shadows before me. "Well, well, well! How y'all doin', peeps?"

"Leo—oh, Lady Diana!" Reyna greeted with a bow, the rest doing the same—except for Percy, of course, who just nodded. "I didn't expect to see you here!"

"We came in earlier in the afternoon. We needed a place to rest and required some medical supplies. Worry not, we wouldn't want to just take from the legion, so we traded for some pig and pheasant meat, along with captured weaponry," Diana replied.

"Oh... well, that's nice of you. Thanks!" Frank responded with a tone and smile of pleasant surprise.

"... lovely weather we're having," Hazel said after a few moments of awkward silence—the wholesome little Miss Metal Detector at work again.

"Not quite, Ecaterina. I do wish a breeze would come through. I'm sweating my balls off," Diana replied without missing a beat, resulting in Hazel's gasp, Frank's dropped jaw, Reyna's widened eyes, and Percy's raucous laughter.

Leo... what did you do? Reyna asked through mental communications, locking eyes with me.

Later, hermosa, later, I replied with a wink.

"Is that not the phrase for it being hot?" Diana asked me with a frown. "With 'freezing my nuts off' for being cold?"

"No, no, that's absolutely right!" I promised, the stunned expressions from my friends (and Percy's laughter) intensifying in response.

"Excellent... I had best be leaving now. Alexios, I still think you should destroy your computer, or at least have Vulcan and Trivia check it."

"I promise you, it's not cursed. Y'know, I'm working on a memory-erasing machine like in Men in Black right now. Once it's done, I could help you remove those images from your brain... though I would like to hear about Burdigala—"

"Never, Alexios. Do you hear me? Never. I'd sooner be screwed by the praefectus castrorum. Farewell," she hissed through gritted teeth before disappearing in a flash of silver light.

They say you should never ask a woman her weight or age. I guess the same could be said for Diana, just with one addition.

Never ask her about Burdigala.

Happy belated Thanksgiving to all! Hope you and your families are well, warm, and eating good. It's been a long time, and I apologize for the wait.

I think I had just a little too much fun writing this one. Keep in mind, Diana has damn near no idea where she is or what's changed, since Artemis basically locked her away for so long. And now, thanks to Mr. OP himself, she's out and she's confused.

So, of course, why not have the Super-Sized McShizzle Bad Boy Supreme Commander of the Argo II help bring her up to speed? No action, but plenty of dialogue and comedy!

Thanks so much for reading, and make sure to leave a comment! Next up... the fireteam gets dangerous.

Until next time,

- ADF-2