Homophobic Waiter

*BANG*

The glasses on the table rumbled, and my fake mustache quivered with fright. It seemed like the battle was approaching.

Hi, I'm Waiter. Homophobic Waiter. That is my legal name. I am not a spy. My mustache is real. 

It was just a normal day at the job when a huge ass man bursted through the door, crushing a tomato in his bare hands. Ladies swooned, men fainted, babies died. He muttered something under his breath about Doitsu- 

Wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's MY religion!!!!!!! An ally!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Hello, good friend!" I grin, whipping my head back and forth. "Hello, hello! Wie geht's du- I MEAN, how are you?!?!?!?!" The man let out a manly roar of manliness, what a man!

"My name is Tomato, but most call me Bitch Ass Tomato," says Bitch Ass Tomato. He gazed at me longingly, love glittering in his red eyes. As you can tell, I'm homophobic, so I shouted "icky!!!!!" At him.

"Are you a.............." I lowered my voice. "Doitsuist?" He gasped and took me into his arms, tears filling his eyes.

"I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Soldiers around us muttered nervously, something about "tf are they doing" and "ewww bitch ass tomato" and "that guys mustache is totally fake." HOW COULD THEY!!!

"GRRRRR" I yowl, ready to attack them for insulting my mustache. 

Just then, a banana flew through the window!!!