一葉障目
yīyèzhàngmù
Eyes obscured by a single leaf
Not seeing the wider picture, 'can't see the wood for the trees'

*~*~*~*~*~*

"Yes, I love him."

When I said those words, I expected anger from Ao. She will hate me. She will think I have deceived her, led her on for my own purpose.

I expected anger, or one of Ao's usual fiery outbursts. So she surprised me when all she did was turn and say:

"Follow me, little prince."

I was too afraid to argue. I rose to my feet, shakily, for they were numb from sitting so long, and followed.

Ao led me from Sho's rooms to the courtyard, where the horses waited for us, saddled and ready to go.

I caught sight of Mutou, sheathed and tied to Ao's saddle, and my chest tightened at the sight of the familiar sword.

I do not know what hurts more. Believing he is alive, or accepting he is dead.

Ao stopped beside Dunya, and reached up to the saddle. "You may ride In'yii prince," she said, gesturing to the high spirited piebald. "She likes you more than me anyway."

As if agreeing with her mistress's words, the mare nuzzled her soft nose into the pit of my arm. I stroked her neck.

Ao mounted Dunya. I did as she said and pulled myself up onto In'yii.

"Are you ready to leave?" Ao asked, turning around in the saddle.

I looked around, suddenly realizing that this was goodbye. This courtyard, that had been my home for the past 10 years. My memories, of training with Sho Sensei, of playing in the running streams with Zhangyu, and more recently, of sitting with Ao, and Zakhar, Ermi and everyone else on the terrace. All that I would leave behind.

But they were just memories. So really I would carry them with me always.

I nodded. "Yes, I am ready Ao."

Ao turned and kicked Dunya from the courtyard.

In'yii followed without much effort from me. As we rode beneath the arch I looked back once, to read the sign I had had made when I had first moved into this courtyard ten years earlier. The wood had warped, a long crack running through the middle, but the characters were still visible.

Wo You Nai. My reason for being.

I had named it for Sho Sensei. I wonder if Ao had realized.

She must hate me. She must think me disgusting.

After we left Wo You Nai Ao turned Dunya left, away from the other residences of the valley, toward where the hills rose to and the forest grew thicker.

She is following the same path we took that day, when I carried her up the hill, I realized.

"Ao?" I said hesitantly. "This is not the way we came in."

"I know prince. Follow me."

"Do you want to leave the valley? Or..."

Ao did not turn around, or answer, and my voice faded away.

She has not turned around even once. She must hate me, for lying to her. She must think I deceived her for my own ends.

And she would be right. I had. And I hated myself for it. I am the worst. She must want to leave me, but cannot because of her promise to Sho Sensei.

The rain, which had been a soft patter far above us, grew heavier, running down to drip on the leaves below.

In'yii obediently followed Dunya, so I dropped the reins and turned to search the saddle bags stuffed full either side. I found my winter jacket, and a thicker tunic, but could not find the slick leather cape I used to keep the rain off.

Ao must not have thought to pack it. I suppose she wouldn't. She never seemed to mind the rain.

Ahead of me, Ao rode without cover, indifferent to the water that fell on her. I could see the outline of her shoulder blades through her oversized wet tunic. She often chose to wear boy's clothes, and it made her look so thin, so small, and yet such a force of power came from the set of her shoulders that I longed to reach out and touch them, as if that would help some of her strength transfer to me.

She must hate me.

I threw the thick tunic from the saddle bags over my shoulders, to try and block some of the wet.

When we had climbed this way before, and I had carried Ao on my back, it had taken much longer for me to stagger up the slippery trail. But now on horseback, it took less time. We emerged at the top of the hill, where cleared away trees allowed a view of the world below.

Ao stopped Dunya, and I reined up beside her. Together we looked down at the world before us.

The valley spread out like a tapestry of misty clouds and swirling forest. And beyond it Linjing, though the lights of the city would vanish from time to time, as the wind blew grey clouds of rain and mist between us. When it would reappear, it would always been just a brief glimpse, through the clouds, like the view to another world.

The light of dawn was faint, just starting to add depth to all we saw. But with the clouds it did not add color. All was grey. A mysterious, ever changing landscape, filled with surprising views and hidden scenery.

Suddenly another surprise: a line of purple fire zigzagged sideways across the sky, wearing in and out of the clouds like an erratic needle. Lightning.

The distant rumble of thunder followed.

"How long have you loved the fox, little prince?" Ao asked from Dunya beside me.

I froze. I did not want to talk about this with Ao. I did not want to talk about this with anyone. No one could understand what I felt for Sho Sensei. Sometimes I was not sure I myself understood.

Ao sensed my hesitation. She turned in the saddle, and her eyes as they found mine were like the sea, unfathomable. "Tell me, prince. True devotion holds nothing back. I want it all. Your truth, your lies, your secrets. You swore yourself to me. Everything of your heart is mine."

I almost laughed. How could she talk that way? When she did not believe in gods? Did not believe in oaths?

But I began my story anyway.

"I realized when I was sixteen. At first I thought I was just... broken. That my mind fixed on Sho because I had spent so much time with him. That he had filled so many roles to me already, he just naturally filled that one too. I- I would find myself thinking about him, at night, thinking of things I knew I shouldn't..."

I trailed off. It was so hard to say it outloud. But it was a relief, as well. A secret I had carried so long.

I forced myself to continue. "So I spent time with the prettiest maids in the valley, hoping that would snap me out of it. And they were happy to oblige."

I remembered those times. I hated them, not for the time I spent with the maids, but for the fights that would invariably come after it. Sho Sensei would question me, exasperated, about my behavior, and I would long to tell him that he was the source of it all. But of course I could not.

"That was the start of my reputation with women." I laughed. "Ironic, really. I didn't dislike my time with them. But they were not what I wanted."

In'yii shifted beneath me, skin twitching as she flicked off the rain.

"It's been ten years since then," I continued. "Ten years with me trying to distract myself, or tell myself what I felt was just the love a child feels for the one who raised them. But it's not."

Ao said nothing. She did not even look at me. Her eyes stayed fixed on the landscape ahead.

I smiled bitterly. "He's given me so much already. And still I want more." I chanced a glance at Ao. "I'm really selfish, aren't I?"

And I laughed, at my own foolishness, at my own broken mind. My own broken heart.

My hands on the reins began trembling. I was terrified. There was no going back. I could not unsay my secret to Ao. And now she knew it, how would she feel? How would she look at me? Would she even look at me? Or would she be to disgusted to even-

"Dismount, prince."

Ao slid from the saddle and I did the same, mind a whirl, hands still trembling.

I am so afraid. What will she say?

But Ao did not say anything. Instead she turned and went toward the old fallen log where we had sat the last time we had climbed this mountain in the rain.

When she reached the end of the log, she knelt to the ground and began digging.

"Ao?" I questioned, stopping beside her. I leaned against the roots of the fallen tree, bleached white by years of sun and rain. "What are you doing?"

But Ao did not answer, just kept digging, clawing at the earth with her bare hands.

I was about to bend to help her, when she stopped. Her fingers drew out the edges of a carved wooden box in the dirt.

What is that?

Digging carefully along the edges of the box, Ao freed it from the dirt and pulled it up out of the hole.

She set the box down on the grass beside the hole she had just dug. On the lid was carved countless seals for protection and hiding, as well as some to protect the wood from mold and other threats.

Ao's thumbs pushed the latch, and she flipped the box open.

Inside was nothing but dark velvet, molded away to reveal cotton stuffing beneath. Nothing but moldering velvet, and...

Ao picked up the small object and held it out to me. I knelt beside her and took it in my hand.

It was a piece of wood, no longer and wider than my thumb. There were bends in the wood, natural bends, and I guessed it was a segment of a branch, perhaps a beech or oak tree, that had been polished till smooth and dark gold.

Turning the wood over carefully, I realized zih were carved in relief on one end. It is a yinzhang.

I deciphered the zih that had been carved in the dim morning light. Green. King.

Why is there a seal buried here-

I froze.

Ao looked up at me, and a faint smile pulled the corner of her lips. That familiar, taunting smile. "Do you know what you hold in your hand?"

The seal was simple, small, no where near as large and ornate as seal I had seen the tigress brandish in the courtyard. It can not be...

My hands began shaking once more. "It is... my ancestor's seal? The one that has been missing for so long?"

"It is," said Ao with a soft smile. The one she wore only when talking of Lu. "Do you know what it does?"

"It can let mu'ren assume their true forms, as the tigress did. It also controls all the seals in the kingdom. If I destroy this, all the seals that were created from it will become just useless pieces of wood."

Ao nodded. "Yes. But that is not all it does. You can create new spells with that."

My eyes widened.

"A god's seal doesn't just activate already existing spells," Ao continued. "You can create your own spells, and add them to the list of the Circle's own. You didn't know this?"

"I knew it," I stammered. "I just never thought..."

"Never thought you'd have the chance to do so?"

"No."

"Well now you do. Be careful though. New spells are dangerous. Understandably. They have never been tried before."

Ao's eyes left my face, to look out at the clouds below us.

"Why- why are you giving this to me now?" I asked, confused. I was sure Ao must hate me.

Ao's stormy eyes returned to trace over my face. "You love him don't you?" she asked me, needing my confirmation one more time. "You would do anything for him?"

I nodded nervously. "Yes."

I flinched as Ao's hand, covered in dirt, reached toward my face. But when her palm touched my cheek it was gentle.

Her thumb stroked dirt against my skin. "Oh little prince, are you sure? Choosing a road like this. Loving a man who will never love you back. Are you sure?"

I had expected anger in Ao's eyes. Instead I saw sadness. Deep and inescapable as the sea. And then Ao started to cry.

"Are you sure little prince?" she said through her tears. "It is not a kind road you have chosen. Are you sure?"

She does not hate me, I realized. I hesitated. Then I placed my hand over her own. "It was not my choice to make."

She lowered our hands, and wiped away her tears with one long sleeve, then stood. "Then come with me. There is an army of fanatics calling my name in the central regions. It would be rude not to answer."

The breeze caught at her hair, already misted wet with rain. Ao reached out a hand to me, to pull me to my feet. Behind Ao, I saw pink light flicker through the sky again, and thought of the stories my mother would tell me as a child, of thunder dragons fighting amongst the clouds.  "You will fight for your love, I for my revenge. Let us drag our fate where we wish it to go."

Ao's smile was wide, and it reminded me of that morning she had met us just outside Nan'ye. I now knew what the smile hid. Who she was really. I shivered.

Ao saw. She lowered her hand, six fingers clenching to a fist."Are you afraid of me, little prince?"

"No Ao," I said quickly. "I am not afraid."

Ao laughed, and held out her hand once more. "Then come. The world is wide, and our ambitions wild. Let's see how far our wandering feet take us."

Thunder rumbled, and lightning flashed in the distance.

I put my hand in Ao's. Her six fingers closed around mine.

Ao's smile widened further, and she pulled me to my feet.

"Come little prince. We have a long way to go."

*~*~*~*~*~*