老死不相往來
Lǎo sǐ bù xiāng wǎnglái
Grow old and die without ever meeting.
Live life without ever having had any dealings with each other.

*~*~*~*~*~*

The morning Ermi left we gathered to see her off from Rabbit Run.

Despite my expectations, Ermi was dry eyed as she said goodbye, hugging us all in turn.

"Remember, princess. Confidence. Trust only yourself, and you will never be let down," I whispered in her ear when it came my turn.

Ermi squeezed me tighter in answer.

The carriage was piled high with trunks and boxes that Ermi had said contained her essential items. I thought how my essential items could all be carried in a single pack.

After goodbyes to Kageyama and Sanli, Ermi climbed into the heavily loaded carriage, followed by her yah'ying.

"Don't miss me too much," Liang'yi called out the window with a grand wave.

And then the carriage was away and they were gone.

I tried to keep busy with routine. In the morning I would rise, and go to the stables to care for the horses. In'yii and Dunya would eagerly greet me every morning, and even Makabe seemed to warm to me, after several mornings of giving him oats.

First I would groom In'yii. Her smooth coat made it easy for the brush to sweep across the patches of ice white and earthy brown. And contrary to her usually ornery attitude when I rode her, the mare herself made it easy for me, obediently standing where I positioned her, or turning in the stall when it came time to groom her other side.

The self-centered little minx loved the attention.

In'yii's grooming completed, I would pat Makabe for a time, so the stallion did not feel neglected. The black stallion's coat was always in perfect condition, thanks to Kageyama's near obsessive grooming regimen. The kitsune came in the evening, hence the reason I made my visits in the morning, so there was no chance of us meeting.

After giving Makabe attention, I would move onto grooming Dunya. The mare's rough coat made it difficult to drag brush or comb through it. In contrast to In'yii's smooth coat, Dunya's was thick, knotted, and dusty, I frequently found myself sneezing at all the hair and dust that filled the air with every drag of the brush.

"You're dirty, you know that?" I told the stubborn plains horse.

Dunya whickered proudly.

After caring for the horses, I would go to Zakhar's room. The first time I entered, my legs had walked stiffly, as though I was intruding into a sacred shrine. The windows were shuttered and dark, and I felt my way to one and opened it.

Zakhar had left his room clean, and bare of all personal effects.

He cleared his life away so neatly. I wish he had left a mess instead.

In one corner stood an old wooden cabinet for storing wine. It had been locked the first time I had ventured into his rooms, and I had quickly given up and retreated, feeling like a child trying to open something they shouldn't.

The second time I went to Zakhar's room, I stayed longer, standing in the center of the empty room. Watching the dust motes playing in the light through the narrow windows.

Dust already? It hasn't been that long...

I found one of Wo You Nai's servants and requested cleaning supplies.

"Would you like the room cleaned for you, my lady?" the servant said, confused by my request.

"No. Just the materials. I will do it myself."

The servant gave me some linen scraps and a bucket of scented water that I heaved back to the room, sloshing half over my legs. Then I rolled up my sleeves and skirt and began.

First I dusted the window sills, then the table top. I pushed the rag along the dark wood floor, then along the baseboards.

Finally, I was dusting atop the cabinet when I found the key.

It fell to the floor with a soft metal clink and a flutter of paper. I wiped my hand on my skirts and picked it up.

I could tell by the size that the key fit the wine cabinet. I should have felt atop the cabinet first.

There was a paper tag attached to the key. I pushed my hair out my eyes to read.

For Ao, one side read, in Zakhar's scrawling handwriting.

And turning the tag over-

Don't drink it all at once.

I laughed, then bit my lip. And, like a half-healed wound opening, the pain spilled out once more.

Burying my face in my dusty sleeve, I slid to the floor.

*~*~*~*~*~*

After that, my routine became more erratic. Some mornings I would rise and go to the stables, and care for the horses, before visiting Zakhar's room to drink the rest of the day away.

And some mornings I went straight for the wine.

A few evenings Sanli found me, sprawled out on Zakhar's floor. He would look worried, but would help me to bed or to the baths without comment.

Kageyama's dark eyes also followed me, whenever we would meet around Wo You Nai. He never said anything, but I could feel his judgement. I did my best to avoid him.

I knew what I was doing was meaningless, a sentimental waste of time and wine. Zakhar could not see me weeping for him, so what was the point to it?

But I could not stop. I missed him. Or more, I was afraid to stop missing him.

One night, Sanli did not find me. Or perhaps he did, but I had been so wine sunk he had given up rousing me.

When I woke rain was falling outside. I had left the windows to Zakhar's room open, and the soft sound of it crept in, pattering in the quiet of night.

I felt it then. That old fire burning in my blood. And with it, the loss.

I knew now that what I was grieving for was not simply Zakhar. I felt guilty, but it was true. I used my friend's death as an excuse to grieve for something I had lost long before.

It was not my power, or my old form, or my strength that I missed. To my surprise, I found I did not resent my human form as I once had. My absence of power no longer plagued me. And while I missed the sea, I no longer longed to be a dalong.

No, it was something else I missed. Something transient, a feeling, an emotion, a state of mind that I could not remember, no matter how I tried.

I had changed, and in doing so lost a part of myself. And no matter how I tried to recall it, I could not get it back.

Although...

The rain outside softened away at dawn, and then there was silence, till the calling of the first bird.

I lay slumped across the low table of Zakhar's room, empty wine bottles scattered around me like fallen friends.

As the night faded and dawn turned to day, and I tried to remember what I had lost, again and again a thought wandered through my head uninvited:

Do we really change, or do we just pretend to?

*~*~*~*~*~*

"Alright, get up. You are starting to worry Sanli and I am tired of you wasting so much good wine."

I blinked. I had fallen asleep at the table. My right cheek was sore from being pressed against the wood so long.

I yawned and sat up. Morning sun streamed in the open windows. My eyes were gritty from sleep. Or perhaps I had cried in my dreams again.

Kageyama stood over me, the key to Zakhar's wine cabinet dangling by its tag from one of his fingers.

"Give me that!" I said, lunging for the key.

Kageyama nimbly stepped away and held the tag to read it. "'For Ao. Don't drink it all at once.' Did you not read the tag?"

"I read it! And I am showing great moderation. I drink only a bottle a day."

Kageyama looked down at me with disdain. "A bottle a day is not moderation."

I noticed in one hand he held a jug of wine, that he must have taken from the cabinet while I slept.

"Give me back my damn key."

He pocketed the key and held out his hand. "If you want it back, first come with me."

I considered refusing. Then I ignored the kitsune's hand and groggily pushed to my feet. I followed him from the room.

I walked a few paces behind Kageyama. My head swum in the bright morning sunlight. Sunlight, I thought. It felt warm on my limbs, stiff from spending the night slumped on the wooden floor. It was the first sunlight I had seen in weeks.Too bad it made my already pounding temples throb. I only wished it gone.

By the time we reached Kageyama's rooms the sunshine had already faded, replaced by a faint drizzle that sent the fern fronds along the walkway bouncing with each drop.

I followed him into his rooms. Kageyama gestured to the sitting cushions on the veranda overlooking the pond and then disappeared.

Sighing, I sat. The beautiful orange fish that I had seen before were enjoying the rain, their tails flicking and sending them swishing towards the ripples with eagerly grabbing mouths. They mistook the raindrops for bugs, alighting on the surface of the water. When their greedy gulping mouths reached what they thought they wanted they found only air.

"Here."

Kageyama set down a wooden tray on which a white wine jug and two cups sat. Then he himself sat on a cushion beside me, straightening the folds of his black cotton yukata robe.

"Most of Zakhar's wine would be best drunk 'yukihie' or 'snow chilled'. A fruity wine like that requires ice." As he spoke, he picked up the white wine jug and I heard ice clink inside the ceramic.

Ice was hard to come by, and hard to keep, and I glanced around his room, wondering where he had gotten it.

"When you drink, you should never pour for yourself. It's not only bad manners, it is bad luck." Kageyama filled my cup, then passed me the jug and indicated I do the same for him. "Hold with both hands. The right holds, while the left goes beneath bottom to support the neck."

Following his instructions, I hastily sloshed wine into his cup. Kageyama visibly cringed.

"You shouldn't pour too fast or too slow. And filling to the top is not considered kind. It is better to-"

"I know the Wa traditions for drinking wine, Lord Kageyama," I interrupted him, annoyed. "I simply don't feel like engaging in such a useless and time consuming ritual. As long as the wine reaches my mouth, I have achieved my goal."

"Without ritual, without rules, we are no better than beasts."

"We are beasts, Lord Kageyama."

"We are defined by our actions, not our nature." Kageyama said, reaching to tug his yukata straight once more.

"You are causing the wine to sour."

We lapsed into silence watching the pond. Rain continued to fall, and I could feel stray drops catch the bare skin of my feet. On the water, large lotus leaves floated, like green islands in the small sea.

The rain collected on the leathery leaves, glowing with refracted light from the grey sky above.

Tight buds that would become blossoms were already starting to form. Lotus flowers were symbols of purity and enlightenment, and often referenced in prayers to Lu or the other gods.

More than the blossom, I far preferred the root. Lotus roots were delicious, sauteed or fried. Especially with wine...

I pondered the chances of Kageyama agreeing to let me dig lotus roots from his pond. Slim, probably.

"Alright. Get your lecture over so I can enjoy my wine." I said, lifting my cup to my mouth. The cool liquor slipped over my lips, and I tasted faint hints of flavor I had not noticed before. Damn. The kitsune was right, it did taste better chilled.

"What?" Kageyama asked, shifting his own cup to his mouth.

"Your lecture. Your moral. Whatever you brought me here to tell me."

Kageyama looked bewildered. "I brought you here to drink wine."

"Are you certain? You don't intend to impart some sage wisdom about how life is transient, we should take joy from what we can and move on, so on and so forth?" I pressed, after draining my cup of the delicious liquid.

"No. Why, should I? Is that what you were hoping for?"

I tsked, setting my cup down with a clang on the tray. "No. Just pour me more wine."

Kageyama's mouth turned up ever so slightly in a grin, and he reached for the wine jar.

*~*~*~*~*~*