分崩離析
Fēnbēng líxī
Disintegrate; fall to pieces; come apart.
To come apart.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Zhangyu left early the following morning, after apologizing profusely for his behavior.

"Please," he begged me, at my door. "Don't tell Sanli of what I told you."

I shook my head. "I will leave that to you, one day."

Zhangyu paled at the thought, and quickly left.

I shut my door once more, then moved to my bed with a yawn, picking up the blanket from the floor where Zhangyu had fallen asleep, after crying in my lap for what seemed most the night.

This really is becoming a trend... what about me causes men to sob and empty their hearts? When did I become such a tender source of comfort?

I found the thought rather alarming.

Dawn had come, the new sun sending pink light through the narrow window to rest on the wall opposite where the orange light had been the night before.

I went to the window, to see the dawn before I tried to sleep once more.

I saw figures, far below me, in the courtyard of the fortress. Saw the posts where the body had been tied, now empty but for knots of rope. Idly watched black birds circle, smelling the blood from the fight the day before, but not finding any food, the bodies already cleared away and prepared for burial.

My eyes caught sight of a glint of gold in the yard below. I quickly polished the steam my breath had created away with my sleeve. Is that... Zakhar?

It was. I recognized his big shape as he made his way to the stables.

The distance was too far to tell his expression, but I knew that he had just risen from the sleepy wobble of his gait.

I wondered why he had not come to me, when he had woken. I wish I had been there for him.

Quickly I dressed, throwing a cloak over my shoulders.

But when I reached the stables, Zakhar was already gone. I checked Dunya's stable, and found fresh hay and water. In'yii had been given some as well.

My heart warmed. Even injured and preoccupied as he must be, Zakhar had still thought to care for my horse.

Smile on my face, I hurried back into the fortress to find Zakhar, breath steaming in the cold morning air behind me.

But he was not anywhere I looked. Not in the mess eating his morning meal, nor in the infirmary when I returned there. He wasn't in the room I had been told he'd moved to, nor did I meet him on the stairs or anywhere else in the halls.

Finally, I returned to my own room, wondering how it was possible to keep missing each other—

—and found Zakhar sitting on the edge of my bed, waiting for me, much as the second prince had been the night before.

"Zakhar!" I grinned happily. Zakhar gave me a small smile, but it looked strange on his mouth.

I froze, realizing why his smile looked strange. His beard was gone.

"Oh my," I said, coming toward him. I ran one finger along his smooth chin.

"Nurse said they had to shave me to redo the thread work on my wound properly." Zakhar said, pointing to the long line of neat stitches running down his now bare cheek. "Handsome?" he asked, grimacing.

I disagreed. I had come to hold his beard in such regard, I already missed its absence. And though a roguish look was something I often disliked in men, I had come to expect it on Zakhar.

There was a boyish look to his face now, without the hair hiding it. It pulled at my chest in strange ways. In my mind I imagined Zakhar older than me, perhaps because of the kindness and care he always showed me, but now I saw his face clearly I remembered he was so very, very young.

He is just a human, scarce three decades old.

But still, he was handsome, and I would enjoy kissing those lips just as much now they were more readily available.

"Very handsome," I said, eating him up with my eyes. I slid onto one of his broad thighs, fingers stroking at the newly emerged stubble where his beard had been. "Kageyama told me you tried to charge into the fortress after me. Should I reward you, for doing something so brave, or punish you, for doing something so foolish? Hmmm? Which would you prefer?"

Zakhar caught my hands, which had found their way from his chin onto his broad chest, smoothing along the material there.

"Sorry," I apologized, taking my hands back. "I am sure you are tired. We can just rest. I am tired as well."

I expected Zakhar to lay down on the cot, me in his arms, as we had become so accustomed to doing, but he did not move.

I glanced at the bandages peeking out from beneath his woolen tunic. Ah, perhaps he does not want to risk jarring his-

"I came to your room last night," Zakhar said. His voice was strange, dull, not his own. As though a statue that looked like Zakhar was speaking to me, but had none of his heart.

I looked up at Zakhar, really looked at him since the first time I had entered the room, without being distracted by his wounds or shaved chin.

I saw a tightness about his mouth, shadows lingering around his eyes.

"Why didn't you come in?" I asked.

"You already had a visitor." His eyes would not meet mine.

Wait, he does not think-

I laughed. "Oh Zakhar. The second prince came to talk to me last night. Nothing more."

Zakhar's face did not change. He did not say anything.

I frowned. "Do you really trust me so little? To think I would have the prince while you were lying injured in your bed?"

"It's not about trust, is it?" Zakhar asked, eyes still not meeting my own. "Why would you not have him? What did you say, 'a stablehand is no substitute for a prince'? And we agreed to be just distractions for each other, didn't we?"

My eyes widened. "What nonsense are you saying?"

Zakhar carefully shifted me from his thigh, then stood to go. "Though I wonder, does the second prince know he is also just a distraction from what you really want?"

I despised his leading tone, but followed it anyway. "And what do I really want Zakhar?"

Zakhar stared at the door. Finally, finally, his eyes shifted to me and met mine.

"You're in love with Sanli, aren't you?"

I am, am I? I burst into laughter.

Zakhar's face was still emotionless. "Though perhaps Sanli is also a distraction, from someone else."

My mouth twisted. What is he doing? What lunacy is he spouting?

Zakhar turned to go, and my heart leapt after him. "No. No. You do not believe the things you are saying. Why are you saying them?" I stuttered.

Zakhar did not reply. He took a heavy step away, then another.

"Zakhar!" I leapt from the bed to grab at his arm. "Do not make me despise you! You know I hate jealous men-"

"So despise me!" he shouted, rounding on me, and at last his voice was his own. "I am jealous, alright? And I'm afraid. If not to another man, then a sword, the next time you carelessly rush into danger. One way or another, I will lose you. I would rather it was now, before it hurts too much. You were never just a distraction for me, Ao. And I am too afraid of what will happen if I wait longer."

Out of all the words he had spoken, these alone rang with truth. I thought of the worry that had been eating at Zakhar over the past few days, even before we had returned to the cabin and found the prince and Kageyama taken. Of his eyes, his smiles that did not reach them, and the dreams that took him in the night and caused him to wake weeping.

A fear. An unshakable fear had taken root in Zakhar.

But then I thought of my own fear, that I had had to overcome. 'One way or another, I will lose you.' I was the one who stood to lose the most.

"I am too afraid Ao. All the time. I just want it to stop."

That should be my line. These should be my words. How dare he. How dare he!

"And I am not afraid?!" I screamed my question.

Zakhar made no response to my rage. He almost seemed to welcome it. As though it was what he craved.

My fingers slipped from his sleeve. "Coward," I breathed, my voice failing.

Zakhar moved to the door, his hand fumbling to find the handle. He opened it.

He paused in the doorway.

"I changed In'yii's hay and water. I thought if I was not good enough as a lover, at least I could be a decent stablehand for you."

"L-liar," I stumbled over my own words in my rush to expel them. "COWARD!"

Then he shut the door, and I heard his heavy footsteps moving away.

*~*~*~*~*~*

The day we left Changsha Fortress was much the same as the day we entered it. Grey skies, and rain that fell in fits and bursts, turning the road to mud.

The wind roared, as always, but this time it was from the south, and brought with it a hint of warmth and spring.

The teasing wind whipped the hoods and cloaks of Zhangyu's men around, causing some to abandon them all together, folding them and putting them in their saddlebags.

The Second Prince had assigned ten of his guard to ride south with us, and to continue to protect Sanli even after we returned to the Valley.

Zhangyu had refused to acknowledge his mother's involvement in the attempt on Sanli's life, but I knew, like all of us, he suspected her.

The second prince rode out to see us and his guard off.

"Safe travels, Uncle," Zhangyu told Sanli, in his usually curt manner.

Sanli, for once, was magnanimous. "You as well Zhangyu. And thank you, for your help."

Zhangyu looked away. "Of course. We are family."

Zhangyu then turned Banli and came toward me. In the rush of wind, it was hard to hear him, so I leaned closer in my saddle.

"I- I just want to apologize again, for losing my composure that night. I don't normally do such things."

"You don't normally cry? We all cry, prince."

Zhangyu bit his lip, and looked down at his saddle horn.

I glanced around. Sanli was pretending not to notice us while he talked to Kageyama. On Dunya, Zakhar was staring steadfastly south, toward the horizon we would soon be crossing, as though that was all that interested him.

I sighed, and it was lost in the rush of the wind, just like my words to all around us save Zhangyu, who had leaned closer to hear them.

"Do not punish yourself. We all make mistakes. And this world is harsh enough." I gently lay my lips to his cheek, then drew back. "Be careful of your new wife."

Zhangyu made no move to acknowledge my kiss or my words, and I lifted In'yii's rein to go.

"Why did you choose Sanli over me, Lady Yunyou? Is he really that much the better man?" Zhangyu too suddenly found the southern horizon very interesting, and the prince's voice had a hint of the same croak I had heard that night in my room.

I smiled. "Do I seem to you, little prince, like the kind of woman who wants a good man?" Zhangyu shook his head, and I saw a hint of a smile. "It is just how it happened. But I suppose, if I had to find a reason... I like his pretty green eyes."

Zhangyu gave a laugh, that unsteady laugh of his, like he wasn't quite sure what it was. Then he turned his horse and rode back to the fortress.

*~*~*~*~*~*