雪泥鴻爪
Xuění hóngzhǎo
Goose claws in the snow.
Traces of past events. The fleeting nature of human life.
*~*~*~*~*~*

Sanli did not understand his actions over the following days.

It had become clear to everyone that what had initially only been too-long glances and lingering thoughts had developed into more between Zakhar and Ao.

The two were frequently absent from the cabin, always with the same excuse. Zakhar would declare he was going hunting, and Ao would agree to go with him. They would disappear, and reappear hours later, usually empty handed and with some reason as to why.

It was mid winter, but Sanli knew Zakhar was a good hunter, and game was not that scarce.

Again and again Sanli found himself needling his way into whatever it was that was occurring between his two friends. He would ask Ao questions he knew she did not want to answer, about her past, or her desires. He would tease Zakhar, relentlessly, over the smallest of things, and always when Ao was present and could intervene. He had become an annoyance when he had no wish to be one.

Am I trying to push them together or apart?

Finally all his little efforts earned him Ao's undivided attention. Though not surprisingly, not in the way he had hoped.

They had sat down at the cabin's small table for a game of five colored cards. During the game Sanli said things that he himself agreed were foolish. But it seemed regardless of what he thought, they exited from his mouth all the same.

"What about the story of you being lovers with Liu Zhua? And the Golden Emperor? Are those both true?" the prince pressed Ao.

"A gentleman doesn't ask a woman about past lovers," Ao said, unperturbed, eyes on her cards.

"What about present ones?" asked Sanli, eyes flicking to Zakhar.

"Watch it, prince," the big man growled back. Zakhar's foot found Sanli's shin under the table.

The game ended abruptly after that, with unpleasant feelings and a sore leg on Sanli's part. Zakhar left to hunt, Kageyama disappeared to take care of some task outside the cabin, and Sanli was left alone with Ao.

Sanli heard Ao sit beside him on the kang. He kept his eyes on the fire. "Look at me, prince."

Sanli turned his head sulkily, hating the gesture even as he did it.

Ao bent to meet his eyes. "When I made you that promise, in the cave, to stay with you, I meant it," she said, face serious.

Sanli stiffened and looked away, eyes tracing over the playing cards still spread over the table. He had assumed Ao would not speak of what transpired between them in the cave again. Assumed her words simply spoken in the moment. A promise not meant to be kept.

But no, Ao was recalling her promise, and in earnest, her face serious. "I will not leave you. However, that does not mean I have to endure your whims, or be with you every moment. And I will not tolerate your rudeness, toward me or Zakhar. Do you understand?"

Sanli did not know what to say. He mumbled something like a response.

"Good. I do not like jealous men, remember. Do not make me regret agreeing to stay by your side." Sanli felt Ao's eyes studying his face. "And do not pout so, wrinkles will form between your eyes." As she spoke, Ao's finger poked at the offending lines.

She really sees me as a chil-

Ao's lips found where her finger had just poked, as if to soothe the hurt. Sanli's whole body heated and then froze solid as an ice block.

Ao laughed, watching his expression. "Do not make me regret my promise," she repeated. She stood, grabbing one of the many furs from the kang and draping it over her shoulders.

Sanli watched Ao walk out the door, to find Zakhar, and do gods know what. "I won't, Ao," the prince said quietly.

A moment after Ao had walked out the door Kageyama reappeared through it, a pile of firewood under one arm.

The kitsune took one look at Sanli's face. "Good. She's talked some sense into you then." He deposited the firewood by the stone hearth, then added another log to the fire.

Sanli's temper flared along with the fire. "How are you fine with just letting them cavort around like that? With letting Zakhar take advantage of her?"

Kageyama raised an eyebrow. "I don't see what my opinion really has to do with it. And I am sure it is not Zakhar who is taking the advantage."

"He is! It is unfair to Ao. She deserves to know why he's here."

"She does, but it is up to Zakhar to tell her, not you." Kageyama's voice turned stern. "You are involving yourself out of jealousy, not out of the desire to protect her. Do not pretend otherwise."

"I do not get jealous!" said Sanli angrily. "That is not what this is."

Kageyama brushed off his hands over the fire, then made his way back to the door, tousling Sanli's hair as he passed.

"Of course you aren't," said the kitsune, disappearing out the door once more.

*~*~*~*~*~*

With Ao and Kageyama's words in mind, Sanli did his best to temper his actions.

And he could not deny Ao looked happy. Smiling and laughing.

Even at night, the nightmares that had seemed to plague her after her torture at the hands of the Black Lord's curse had ended. Many times in the weeks after her ordeal, Sanli had woken from his own nightmares, only to find Ao, twitching beside him on the kang, murmuring with pain or fear.

He would take her hand, thumb gently stroking the back of it, until Ao's sleep eased.

But now, Ao's nightmares seemed to have ended. At least on the nights she spent beside him on the kang. He could not vouch for the nights she was not there.

As the winter wore on, it seemed Ao was absent as much as not. She and Zakhar would go 'night hunting', and not return till morning.

If Ao was happy, Zakhar was like a man whose soul has reached highest heaven. Zakhar, Sanli knew, deserved this happiness. He had not had an easy life, and the man had been infatuated with Ao since they first met her, all that time ago.

But still, it is not fair to her, Sanli could not keep himself from thinking.

And so he found himself finding stupid, petty ways to provoke Zakhar. Provoke him to what, Sanli wasn't sure, but one day he at last succeeded.

Sanli had been sitting at the table in the cabin with Ao, playing mu'ren chess when Zakhar entered.

"Ao, I was thinking the plum trees up the valley might be close to blooming. Perhaps we could go cut a branch, and bring it back to the cabin," Zakhar said, stopping beside their game.

"I would like another visit to the hot spring," Ao replied, with a sickly sweet smile. Sanli tried not to gag. "Let us go there first, and stop by the plum grove on the way back."

"Agreed"," said Zakhar, grinning like a beggar given a gold coin. "Let's leave tomorrow, before the snow returns."

Zakhar turned- and stumbled, over the chair Sanli had just surreptitiously pushed behind him with one careful foot.

"That DOES IT!" Zakhar roared, grabbing the front of Sanli's shirt, and dragging the prince to his feet. "Outside, now."

But before either man could make another move Kageyama was separating them. "Unfortunately Zakhar, much as I would love to let you knock some sense into him, I have sworn to protect him from harm."

Zakhar's finger found Sanli. "I am tired of your stupid little pranks. We are not children fighting over the same toy!"

Rage flooded Sanli. Why did everyone think his actions were from jealousy? The prince slapped Zakhar's finger away. "I am tired of YOU, pretending you have claim to something to which you have no right!"

"ENOUGH!" yelled Kageyama. "I am tired of the both of you. And I'm sure Lady Ao is as well. You two need to figure out how to make it through the rest of the winter without driving us all mad."

Kageyama stepped away to grab his things, throwing his cloak around his shoulders. Then he pointed between Sanli and Zakhar. "You better have this sorted out by the time we come back, or you're both sleeping in the stables. And I mean sorted with WORDS, not fists like drunken imbeciles."

Kageyama beckoned Ao. "You. Come with me. We're going hunting."

Ao cast a glance over her shoulder, then followed the kitsune out.

Sanli sat back at the table. Silence lingered over the two men as they listened to the sounds of Ao and Kageyama saddling their horses in the stable below, then riding them off through the crunching snow.

Zakhar shifted, and the floorboards beneath his feet creaked.

Sanli was not sure how to start. What would Sho Sensei do?

The prince chose his words and began.

"What you are doing is not kind, Zakhar. Flirting with Ao, making her care for you. It is not fair."

"Why can't I?" Zakhar bit back. His normally calm voice was tight with tension. "You have been shamelessly flirting with her since we met in that tavern in Nanye."

"Because I am not going to leave her."

"I am not going to either."

"Oh? And what will happen, when it is time for you to go north, to renew your seals? Does Ao know why you're here? Are you going to tell her?"

Zakhar's jaw set like a rock, and he said nothing.

"Should I tell her?" Sanli pressed. He was being cruel, he knew. But it is necessary, he reminded himself. For Ao.

"Don't!" Desperation flooded Zakhar's eyes. "You can't tell her. She's already gotten it into her head to come bloody north with me. If you tell her..."

"If you really care for her, you will stop this before she gets too attached."

There was a pained silence. When Zakhar spoke, it was faint. "She won't. She won't get attached. What we have is just fun for her. I know... I am sure she sees me as nothing more than a distraction." Sanli said nothing, realizing that Zakhar was talking more to persuade himself than anything.

Zakhar's eyes stared at the wooden planks of the cabin floor as he made his decision. "I will stop. I will finish... what I have with Ao. When we go south again in the spring, I will stop."

The pain in Zakhar's face was so great, it caused Sanli's own insides to twist. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps it is fine if they are together. Who am I to judge?

"I am sorry Zakhar. I do not want to force you to—"

"No," Zakhar interrupted. "You are right. You are right."

The two men sat lost in silence and deep thought until Ao and Kageyama returned.

Ao took one look at Zakhar's face and rounded on Sanli angrily.

"What did you say to him?" she growled, laying a protective hand on Zakhar's shoulder.

The look Ao directed at him was like a fist to Sanli's stomach. I have become the enemy. But I am only trying to keep her safe.

Sanli steeled himself. "Nothing he didn't need to hear," he replied sharply.

"Little prince, I told you I would not tolerate your—"

"It's alright, Ao," said Zakhar, squeezing the protective hand. Then he stood. "Sanli is right."

Ao looked puzzled. "Right about what?"

"Nothing. I'll go get ready for our trip. Let's leave for the hot springs tomorrow at dawn."

Ao watched Zakhar leave, dumbstruck, and then rounded on Sanli. "I despise jealous men. And those who interfere in things that do not concern them."

"It sounds like you despise most men," said Sanli with an easy shrug he did not feel. He moved to the kang to lie down, putting his arms behind his head and crossing one knee over the other in a position of nonchalance.

"I despise YOU right now little prince," Ao spit, then followed Zakhar out the door.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Ao and Zakhar left at dawn the next day.

Sanli hardly said a word to either of them before they left, and after they did Kageyama disappeared from the cabin for most of the afternoon.

I hate this stupid cabin, thought Sanli. I'd rather be anywhere else but here.

When Kageyama returned, Sanli was where he had been when his mentor left. Lying on the kang, staring at the ceiling.

"Busy?" asked Kageyama, coming to sit beside Sanli on the kang.

"Very. Don't disturb me," Sanli replied, focusing his eyes more intently on the ceiling.

"Too busy to take your yinzhang back?" asked Kageyama. He held up the mentioned item, swinging it above Sanli's face.

Sanli's eyes followed it.... it WAS his seal! Joyfully he reached out to catch the swinging item, missed, then grabbed it on the next pass. "Where did you find it?!" Sanli asked, throwing the leather cord around his neck once more.

Kageyama grinned. "It was in the river. Took me a while but I found it."

It was then Sanli noticed the droplets of water clinging to the ends of Kageyama's hair as it fell about his shoulders. The river must have been freezing. "Thank you, Sho Sensei."

"Thank Lady Ao as well. She helped me search yesterday," said Kageyama. As always, Sanli could tell he was lying.

"By help, do you mean she pointed out everything you were doing wrong?" Sanli asked with a suspicious grin.

"Aye, something like that."

Sanli laughed, and Kageyama joined.

When Kageyama's chuckles faded, he studied Sanli's face the way he had when the prince was a boy, trying to read his charge's thoughts and mood.

"She is devoted to you Sanli. Despite my doubts, she has proven it time and again. But that does not mean she owes you anything. Demand too much and you will regret it."

"I am not demanding anything—" Sanli protested. "I just want—"

"You just want all her time and attention and smiles. Yes, you do not want anything."

Kageyama stood from the kang to make the evening meal, leaving Sanli to scowl at the ceiling once more.

*~*~*~*~*~*

After eating, Sanli checked his yinzhang, performing a few simple seals of illusion to see if it still worked.

"It is time for sleep," Kageyama said, swatting at a violet purple butterfly that fluttered around the cabin, conjured from the zih of Sanli's last seal. It disappeared in a shimmer of purple light.

Sanli lay down on the kang, one hand still clutching at the seal about his neck. It was a relief to have it back, and it had been wonderful to perform magic again. For a time, he had been distracted from the fact that Ao was angry at him, and her last words to him had been to say how she despised him.

I am stupid, stupid. What do I care what she thinks? I do not love her, not like that. She is just a...

But Sanli could not think of a word to define what Ao was to him.

He sighed angrily and rose, a throw of worn rabbit furs over his shoulders.

He managed to open the door and slip out onto the deck of the cabin without raising Kageyama. Outside, for the first time in many a night, the stars were visible, softly shining dots of silver in the inky sky.

Sanli leaned against the wall of the cabin and slid down it, till he was sitting on the cold wood of the deck. He shivered and pulled the rabbit skins closer about him.

"I told you you aren't to go outside till spring."

Sanli jumped. You would think, after 20 years, he would have gained an ear for his teacher's stealthy footsteps. But no, Kageyama had opened the door and now stood on the deck beside him without him noticing.

"I am recovered already, stop mothering me. And it is almost spring. I saw geese flying south today."

Kageyama threw a woolen blanket over Sanli's head before sliding down the wall to sit beside the prince.

"You nearly died from fever Sanli. A human does not recover from so heavy a sickness quickly. Some may feel the effects of such an illness for years afterwards."

Sanli clicked his tongue in irritation, something he knew Kageyama disapproved of. The gesture was considered rude in Wa.

But Kageyama ignored him, looking out at the night sky that was visible above the tops of the sharp edged trees. The kitsune raised a hand to trace a constellation, and then, as he had often done when Sanli was a child, began the story of the stars he traced.

"In winter in the eastern sky, you can see the constellation we call 'Shounin-no-chou' in my language. Or in the common tongue, 'The Merchant's Butterfly'."

"The story goes that there was a wealthy merchant, who had everything he could ever desire. But then one day, while he sat on his barge sailing downstream, a butterfly alighted on his sleeve."

"The merchant fell in love immediately. The butterfly was so beautiful, so delicate, he longed to possess it, to keep it and never let it fly away, so he could view it whenever."

Sanli understood the metaphor his teacher was trying to impart. "Ao is not delicate," he interjected.

Kageyama continued without a blink. "But the merchant knew that keeping the butterfly in a cage was not what was best for it. And he loved the butterfly, in all her splendor. So he let her go."

Sanli studied his mentor's face. The dark eyes were fixed on the stars, but they saw something else, long ago and far away.

He is thinking of the woman he loved.

Sanli's sigh was deep. "You used to tell me that story as a child. But I remember the ending being different."

"It was. In one version, the merchant crushes the butterfly because he tries to hold onto her. But I did not think you needed to hear that version." Kageyama grinned, eyes reflecting starlight.

"I do not love Ao. Not like that."

Kageyama shrugged. "There are many different kinds of love. Whatever you feel for her, it is important to know that it does not entitle you to possession. And attempting to claim it will not bring either of you happiness."

Sanli's stomach twisted.

"I know that. I know, Sho Sensei." He tried to swallow the pain in his own voice, but it was still there.

The stars blurred with hot warmth. Sanli quickly looked down, teeth sinking into his lip to keep any more tears from flowing.

A weight landed on Sanli's bent head, and Kageyama tousled his hair. A gesture the kitsune had done often when Sanli was a boy, but had stopped as Sanli had grown.

"I am a grown man, Sho Sensei. You do not need to comfort me anymore."

"Grown man," Kageyama scoffed. "You're still a child."

*~*~*~*~*~*

It was only when Sanli woke that he realized he had fallen asleep. He had slid sideways, head pillowed against Kageyama's shoulder, neck sore from the uncomfortable angle.

Beside him, Kageyama's outline was tense, eyes staring out into the night.

Sanli realized his mentor tensing must have been what had woken him. "Sho Sensei?"

"There is something in the forest."

Sanli's eyes uselessly searched the dark trees around them. "An animal? Or perhaps Ao and Zakhar have come back early?"

"I will find out." Kageyama stood, and pulled Sanli to his feet. "Go inside and lock the door. Wait for my knock to open it."

"Wait, Sho Sensei, I have my seal, I can help—"

But Kageyama had already clattered away down the steps and crunched his way into the trees.

Sanli sighed and went inside, drawing the bolt behind him.

Inside the fire had died low, and Sanli stirred it up again.

He felt the vestiges of sadness still, but a new resolution had taken him. He thought of the story Kageyama had told him. He did not want to be that foolish merchant, clinging to a butterfly that would leave him one way or another.

Ao was happy with Zakhar. And Zakhar was a friend.

I will not get in the way. Whatever happens is between them.

And, just like the merchant of the story, he let go.

I will be happy for them. And for myself. I do not want Ao in that way. Trying to keep her from anyone else... I am the one who is being unkind.

Sanli felt proud of his new resolution and clearheadedness, and that he had come to it on his own. Hah, who is still a child?

Kageyama's familiar knock came at the door. Sanli rose and drew the bolt, then opened it.

"Sho Sensei, what was—"

But the form that filled the doorway was too big to be Kageyama. And the white smile that cut the dark was too savage to be Zakhar's.

"Why hello, my prince," said Captain Duan, "How wonderful to see you again."

*~*~*~*~*~*