I'm on the floor. The doctors are still yelling for John to wake up, still yelling for him not to die. The ICU is such a depressing place. Its full of sobbing families, deaths, coma patients and muttering doctors. Sometimes you catch a word or two about another patient, maybe even the person you're there for. How I know? Back in Nevis after my cousin committed suicide, he was rushed to the hospital and put into the ICU, I stayed there for three days before he officially died. Now I'm back in a hospital, back to sitting on the floor rocking back and forth trying to block out the cries of the desperate doctors and wailing families. Back to the stuffy, Clorox smelling, death filled floor of hopelessness. I couldn't breathe then, I can't think now. There's a hand on my back, then a hand gripping one of mine, pulling me up and taking me down the hall. The Doctor's cries fade as we walk further. My eyes are squeezed shut. I am pulled into a room and sat down on a bed.

"Alexander?" A female's voice asked softly. I open my eyes. Angie is sitting across from me, on a separate bed. "Alexander, please say something."

"Why?" I hear myself say. It doesn't sound like me though, its a far away sounding voice. "Why didn't you let me inside his room?"

She shook her head. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it. "I'm on my break right now, so I can stay for about 20 minutes and talk." She was avoiding my question.

"Why?" I ask again.

She sat back down again her hands folded in her lap, her head bowed. She looked up to the ceiling and then back down before she answered. "I started working here when I was 24. I had gotten my associates degree in high school. During my junior and senior years I wasn't on my high school campus, I was at the colleges in the surrounding area. In my sophomore year I got a lot of slack for my interest. I was told I wouldn't get into a good college, I was told I wouldn't amount to anything. Told I would be cut off from everyone. Well they were all wrong. Very wrong. I got into an Ivy League college as a junior after graduating with honors from both high school and college. So why did I become a nurse? Because I wanted to help people. I wanted to save people. I wanted to be a mortal super hero. Also Nurse Shy sounds cool. I usually don't get attached to patients or their families. It makes losing them hard. But then you and your friends waltz in and suddenly? I'm like Death from The Book Thief, I break my rule and get emotionally involved. So why did I hold you back? John's heart stopped. He was dead. You wouldn't have been able to see it and be ok, see him in the same way ever again. You never forget what a dead friend looks like Alexander. Never."

I just stared. Why would she tell me all of this? Why did I need to know?

"Why am I telling you? Because I haven't told anyone else, and I needed to tell someone. Because in the past two days you've been here, I've talked with you and become your friend. Because you look like you have secrets holding you down. Because why the hell not. Because Alex, you need to know you can tell me more than just your name and the fact that there's a million things you haven't done. Because you need more friends than Hercules, Lafayette, Eliza, Peggy, Angelica, Maria and Aaron. Yes I know Burr as well. And you can actually talk to a human being besides a comatose cutie. Anyway, you can ask more questions now." She finishes.

I just laugh. I laugh and cry at the same time. I feel so overwhelmed and confused and heart broken and worn out. I feel empty. "Why am I already so infatuated with him even though I've only known him all of five days? Why did I even fall in love with him? Why does he have so many freckles? Why the hell does everyone I've ever loved end up dead or close to dead? Why can't life just help me out instead of screwing me over?" I just keep laughing.

"Why does anything happen?" She says quietly. I stop laughing and look at her.

"What do you mean?" I ask her.

"Why does anything happen? It's a question nobody can answer Alexander. It's a question with no right or wrong answer. Some people say it's fate, or God, or destiny. It's like asking why you're here. There's no one answer, and there's no way to say if any answers even exist. You have to provide your own answer Alex." Her voice has more wisdom than a 27 year old should be able to have. She should have been a writer with answers like that.

"Do you write?" I ask her out of curiosity.

"Yes. Quite a bit actually."

"Same." I say. I glance at the clock. 9:37. "Your 20 minutes are almost up. You should get back."

"Right. Also, next time either of us decides to have a deep conversation, lets stop that. It would probably go down hill fast." With that she leaves. I walk back to John. His face has begun to pale. I sit back down, before getting back up to grab my bag. Once I have it I reenter John's room and pull up the second cot Dr. Jefferson had rolled into the room. I make the bed then scoot the cot up against the side of John's bed that has no tubes or machines next to it. The beds don't have rails so I'm able to cuddle into his side. So I do. His body is still warm, I wrap his arm around my shoulders carefully. I place my head on his chest, listening to the reassuring beating of his heart. The door is closed and the curtains drawn, so it's relatively dark. I start to hum a song I had heard a few days earlier. I start to quietly sing it out loud.

"But I still stay cause you're the only thing I know, so won't you take, oh won't you take me home?" I sing as I finish up.  

https://youtu.be/hWlpa3oncKs

I start to think of more songs I could sing to him. Pompeii popped into my mind.

"But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothings changed at all? And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before? How am I gonna be an optimist about this? How am I gonna be an optimist about this? But if you close your eyes... And the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we loved, great clouds roll over the hills bringing darkness from above... But if you close your eyes..."

https://youtu.be/ThPp2NA6Mcw

More songs flooded my mind. But none of them were songs I'd be able to sing. Wait...

"There's a time in your life. When the world is on your side. You might not feel it, you might not see it. But it surrounds you like a light. Makes you stronger for the fight. Never letting go. Gotta learn to grow. Watch me as I touch the sky. Still I fly. Now I know it's what I gotta do. Find a dream that's new. Give it all I got this time. Still I fly. Still I fly. Feel the wind all around. All the courage to be found. Who knows what's out there. But I know I'll get there. Oh off into the sun. I know I'm not the only one that's never letting go.."

https://youtu.be/mc_xA9ZEw9c

John will wake up. He will. I try to reassure myself. But I can't. John's heart beats beneath my head. His body is so warm. But he's limp. His hair has lost its volume, its falls loosely at his shoulders. His face is pale and drained of color. His rosy cheeks are covered by the brace of the breathing tube that's keeping him alive, along with his multiple IVs and medications. The methodical beeping of his heart monitor fades into the background noise of cars and sirens coming and going below the window. I bury my face into his side, trying hard to push away the tears that keep flowing off and on. How much more can I cry before I run out of tears? How many weeks before I can hear his voice, his laugh? It's funny, before now I've never truly been in love, yet within five days I've fallen for John completely. God Damnit John, how did you do this to me? I grip his hospital gown as my tears start to flow again. I shake with sobs, crying into John's shoulder.

I scoot away after a few moments and grab my notebook and a pen and begin to write.

My Dear Laurens,

What to say to you? I love your eyes, I love your freckles and your smile. When you came into my life I got into a fight and broke some guys nose. I dedicate this note to you, falling in love was never quite my style. When you almost died you knocked me down and I fell apart. I thought I was so smart. I swear to god if you don't wake up, I'm gonna kill you, I don't want to live without you. Please John just stay strong and fight hard, I'll give this note to you, I'll give the world to you, please stay alive, for me, for me. Please god damnit stay alive. Please John, please John. Oh John when you smile I am undone, my love. Wake up my love! Love is not the word I'm looking for, I feel so much more for you now. John damn, you outshine the morning sun, my love. If you die I'll fall apart, I thought I was so strong. My family wasn't around, your father wasn't around, but I swear I'll be there for you! I'd do what ever it takes, I'd punch death in the face, I'd make you wake up and care for you. I'm crying along with all our friends dear, we need you back my love, we need you to wake up, so you can blow us all away, please babe, be awake.

Love,

Your Alexander.

Muahahahahahahaha. 1,744 mother fucking words of angst and sadness. Your hearts are dead. You're welcome you guys. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

ShylyAngelic OUT!