Christmas came and went with little fanfare. I had spent it in Minnesota. It was nice. It was a good distraction for me.

However, nights still plagued me. I made it a point to stay up as long as I could manage. Most of the time was spent playing video games with John, Seth, and Amy. I would stay up until my eyes felt like sandpaper, and I would thankfully stumble up to the guest bedroom, fall into bed, and go to sleep within minutes.

However, one night, this failsafe failed. We had gone out to eat, and I guess the burrito I had didn't agree with me. I woke up in the middle of the night, running to the bathroom with all the pleasantries that came with acute food poisoning (or at least that was what I could only assume; I was the only one who ordered a burrito, and I was the only one who was getting sick).

When I was done I felt dehydrated and crampy. Unfortunately, no amount of tossing and turning would rock me to sleep. So finally I gave in to insomnia, laid on my back, staring up at the ceiling.

It didn't take long for my brain to do what it does best in these situations, and that was to absolutely fuck me over. I tried to fight it, but found I couldn't. So instead I just closed my eyes, remembering every detail of the Christmas Tristan and I had spent together.

~

"Tristan, you little shit! I told you not to get me anything."

Tristan had given me a withering look. He crossed his arms, staring at me evenly. After a moment of staring at my scowl, he flicked his eyes to the box he had pushed in front of me.

"So, are you planning on opening it, or just stare at it until we're both dead from old age?"

"I didn't get you anything," I had whined at him.

Tristan chuckled, uncrossing his arms. "I know. I didn't want you to."

"I should have," I admonished, feeling genuinely guilty.

"Why?" he asked, and to my annoyance, chuckled. "So you could buy me something perfect that I would have adored, and then you'd feel guilty because it would undoubtedly be expensive, so then you'd worry you were flaunting your wealth at me? And Christmas would be ruined because you'd somehow manage to spiral into an existential crisis, crying over starving puppies or something?"

I merely blinked at him.

Tristan looked smug. "I'm close, right?"

Frowning deeply at him, I snatched the long box in front of me. As I began to open the neatly folded side, I glared at him. "I hate you."

Tristan then did the single cutest thing; he rested his chin in his hands and smiled at me. But it's not just a smile; it's childlike and innocent. There's an astonishing warmth there, one that conveys his deep affection for me. And as I looked at him, and a lump formed in my throat, he told me ever so sweetly, "I know."

Not wanting to cry, I turned my eyes down to the oblong box. I had zero idea what it could be. However, once I removed the sleek black wrapping paper, it dawned on me what it was.

I opened the hinged box, and my breath caught. It was a watch. But not just any watch; it's black on black, and the face of it is the Orion constellation. Bringing a shaking hand to my mouth, I picked it up.

"Turn it over," Tristan instructed, still smiling.

So I did. He had the back engraved with the word Christmas and the year. When I raised my eyes to him, tears had spilled out.

"Do you like it?" Tristan had asked, looking nervous and unsure.

"I love this," I told him honestly, voice shaking.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Good. I wasn't sure how you felt about the constellation, and I was afraid you were gonna hate it."

I slipped out of my chair and went to him, pulling him into a tight hug. After a minute I let go, and spoke to my boyfriend in reverence.

"Hate it? How could I? It was so thoughtful, from having it engraved to having it be my constellation. You even wrapped it in black wrapping paper."

"Which is really hard to find, mind you," he added with a chuckle.

"Tristan, you're perfect."

"I'm happy you like it, but getting you one thoughtful gift doesn't make me perfect."

"Shut up and take the compliment," I laughed, even as another tear dropped out of my eye.

Tristan flicked the tear away and then kissed me. When we pulled away, I wanted to cry more.

"Tristan, I..."

I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to tell him he really was perfect in my eyes. I wanted to explain to him that he was giving me a sense of stability I never really had growing up.

My mind was screaming at me to tell him how much he meant to me. I wanted to pour my heart out into his palms, and show him how much this one gesture made me feel like I had self-worth. It made me realize, someone went out of their way to try and get you something meaningful. I, Orion Bauwens, meant enough to someone that they'd get a personalized gift for me.

But instead, all I could do was look at him.

"You what?" Tristan had asked me so softly, stroking my cheek.

But I didn't say anything. Instead I had just smiled at him.

"Thank you. Merry Christmas, Tristan."

"Merry Christmas, Orion."

I finally manage to drift off to sleep, all the while kicking myself for not telling Tristan my thoughts back then. 

~

My birthday isn't that far from Christmas, being born on January 9th. Growing up, I'd often get a joint birthday-Christmas present, though during my time at the foster house the two were always treated as separate events. Regardless, I had come to largely hate my birthday.

Why should I like it? I hated myself and often wished for death. Why should I celebrate a day that set me down a path of continued turmoil I had little control over? I was getting better about it now, but lets also not forget I largely consider myself to be disposable and ordinary. Birthday celebrations were for people who mattered. 

However, this birthday, everyone insisted on throwing me a party. I fought it tooth and nail. I made excuses. However, Gloria and co. would have none of it. I was, after all, turning thirty.

When everything was said and done, I was actually really fucking grateful. I knew there was going to be a party, but the extent to which they threw said party was beyond my wildest dreams. I expected it to just be Gloria, Ben, and Jake.

I was not expecting to be whisked away by Jake in the morning for breakfast, only to come home to a decorated house, with streamers and balloons, the whole nine yards. I did not expect my mom, sister, and both brothers to fly in with gifts for me (they also had helped decorate my house, arriving while I was out with Jake). I certainly wasn't expecting Scott to be there as well, but he was. I was not expecting my mom to bake a cake for me at my house. 

I was not expecting to quietly break down as everyone sang happy birthday to me, because I couldn't remember the last time anyone sang that song for me. 

And after I blew out the candles, and I put my head down and cried, Amy came to me. She wrapped her arms around me and whispered.

"Orion...we wanted to show you you're worth celebrating. We love you, Ori."

All I could do was nod, trying to get my crying under control. Everything had been so lovely up until that point, and I was trying not to beat myself up over being so emotional.

"We wanted everything to be perfect for you, Ori. You deserve it."

With those words I looked at my sister and smiled, wiping away my tears in embarrassment. "T-thank you. It's perfect. Thank you so m-much." 

I hated lying to Amy. The truth was, the day and everything done for me had been perfect. There was only one thing that could have made it truly perfect.

Well, one person. But he wasn't there.

Oh well.