I'm in one of Ben's guest bedrooms, smoking, the window cracked. This particular window faces Jake's house. Why I torture myself like this, I don't know.

It's late. Like, three in the morning late. But I couldn't sleep because there's too much on my mind. So I decided to come into this room and stare longingly at Jake's house. Because, you know, I'm pathetically dramatic like that.

All the lights are off in his house. I imagine him sleeping. Then my mind flicks to sleeping with him. Forcefully I put an end to that quickly, instead trying to figure out what I was going to say to him once we finally spoke.

That's what was keeping me up. Yet the more this question gnawed at me, the more hopeless the entire situation became. In between smokes, I dragged over a chair to the window and sat. Resigning myself to the fact that I needed help figuring this out, I scrolled through my contacts list on my phone. I stopped abruptly, eyes honing in on a name I hadn't really thought about for awhile, a name that I was surprised was still in my phone even.

Olivia.

My texting knows no bounds. It's often crass, and often doesn't abide by a normal person's circadian rhythm. As such, I tapped her name, a small smile on my lips.

Hi. :)

I assumed she would see it in the morning. So you can imagine my surprise when I went back to scrolling through contacts and my phone chimed with a message from Olivia springing up. I was so surprised, in fact, the chime made me jump. Turning the volume to silent, I pulled up the chat.

OMG Orion! Wow, it's been a hot minute.

Yeah...sorry about that. I've been busy.

Wait a minute--wtf are you doing up?

WrU doing up? ;)

Can't sleep.

Aw, so you texted moi? I feel deeply honored.

That makes me chuckle.

So...where'd you go? You just...ghosted.

Shit, I did, didn't I?

Yeah. Sry about that. It's complicated

You don't have to tell me if you don't wanna...

This was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. I had left her hanging. After banging her brains out for a few days, I did, I ghosted. I mean, I had very valid reasons (obviously), but it was still shitty. I hadn't the faintest clue what to say, especially not over text, so I pulled up my web browser and started dicking around online as a distraction. It didn't last long; another message appeared at the top of my screen.

...did I do something?

Sighing heavily, I pulled the text backup.

No, you didn't; I promise.

I mean, we were hot and heavy, and then nothing

I know. I was going through stuff. It was shitty of me to do that.

Are you sure it was nothing I did? If it was, I'd like to make it up to you.

I'm just a fuck that's bad with interpersonal relationships.

You're not a fuck. You're good AT fucking, but you're not a fuck. ;)

Oh God, was she flirting with me? I immediately felt guilty, which was absolutely absurd. I wasn't with Jake. I wasn't with Tristan. She was, in fact, the last person I had any sort of physio-romantic relationship with. What did it matter?

Well gee, thx for that, I'm blushing.

Srsly tho, can I make it up to you? I feel really bad.

Only if you promise not to ghost again.

Promise. :)

Promise promise?

That made me laugh. Promise promise.

Hey Orion.

Olivia?

I meant what I said. ;)

I don't know how to reply to that, so I don't.

~

"Orion!"

"Hey!" I greet Olivia with a big, beaming smile.

We're meeting for coffee. I pull her into a hug. It feels...nice. Familiar. I smile at her, genuinely happy.

"Here, I got these for you."

Olivia looks touched, taking from my hands the large bouquet of mini yellow roses I bought her. Closing her eyes, she inhales the flowers deeply. When done, I can't help but notice her cheeks are slightly pink.

"That's sweet. You didn't have to..."

As we sit at a wrought iron table at this outdoor café, I shrug. "I want to make it up to you for being a shitty friend."

Her face fell. Olivia lays the bouquet on the table and looks down. "Oh...so, that's what I was to you?"

Shit. "No--I'm sorry. Fuck, I said the wrong thing--"

Just then the waiter interrupts us. We quickly place our orders. As soon as the waiter turns around, I lean in, putting my hand on top of hers. "I'm so sorry, you were more than that. I misspoke."

"I don't want you to proclaim your undying love for me," Olivia says, and it's sad and quiet. "But I like to think I was more than just a fuck-buddy."

"You were," I say earnestly.

I think she's switching gears. "You look good."

I smile. "Thanks! You do, too."

However, I'm horrified to realize she hasn't switched gears at all. She looks at me, a serious expression scorching my soul. "What happened, Orion? Where'd you go?"

I want to respond, I really do, but my mouth has gone parched. I'm sure I must look panicked. I'm thankful that Olivia is kind enough to keep her voice down. We haven't sat by anyone, but we were at an outdoor café, and people were milling about on the sidewalk right next to us.

"It's like you died," she tells me, and I wince at her word choice. "You didn't answer my texts, you didn't answer my calls. I tried your house, and you weren't there."

I choke on nothing and clear my throat.

"I didn't know how to get in contact with anyone--not Ben, not Jake."

I hadn't told her they lived right next door all the times she came over. We never saw them, either.

"I thought something happened to you, but I didn't know what to do. I thought about alerting someone, but who? I assumed you'd get pissed if I tried finding you, and then word got out somehow, and it made the media rounds..."

I was mildly surprised she had thought of that. She was considerate. A lump formed in my throat now.

"I was really worried about you," she says, voice now barely above a whisper. "When we were together, you...looked like Hell. You were acting weird, too, near the end. You went from being this like, insatiable sex fiend, to this person I could barely talk to because it was like you were drugged or something." My heart breaks when I can see tears form in her eyes. "And then you ghosted on me, and I--I--well, I didn't know what to think. I thought maybe you died or something--"

"I am so, so sorry," I tell her earnestly.

For a moment I think about how to handle what I do and say next. The thought of texting her crosses my mind, so no one could hear what I have to say, but I strike that out. I don't think she'd ever do anything like this, but texting left a physical mark of something. If I said what I was going to out loud, I could just deny it up and down if she ever turned vindictive and went to the press.

Being a celebrity sucks. How fucked is that? Here I am, trying to have an honest conversation with someone I hurt, and I have to take into consideration the fact my words might be used against me as a smear campaign? That I was trying to talk about something deeply personal, trying to explain something to someone I hurt, and I had to worry about the media getting involved.

I glance around us quickly. I wait until no one is walking past. I lean in, and look at her seriously. "Olivia--if I tell you something, you have to promise me, promise me, you won't tell anyone."

"Orion--"

"Promise me."

"You were on drugs, weren't you?"

I look off to the side. I find I can't look at her. "Yes and no. I had really bad insomnia. I hadn't slept for a week."

Instead of looking judgmental, she looks sympathetic. So I sweep my eyes around once more and continue. "Uh...I--well, I uh, yeah. I OD'd. I've been in rehab."

Olivia shuts her eyes and sighs. When she opens them, I'm surprised they're still sympathetic. I'm surprised she doesn't think I'm pathetic. "Oh Orion...I'm sorry."

"But I'm better now!" I tell her excitedly. "I really am!"

Olivia smiles at me. "That makes me happy. That makes me really, really happy Orion. Seriously." Still smiling, she picks up the flowers and smells them.

"If you don't want anything to do with me, I totally understand and respect that--"

Olivia laughs. "What? Why?"

I scratch the back of my head. "Well...I'm kinda a wreck? And I scared you, and ghosted on you, and you deserved to be treated better?"

"But," she says slowly, walking her fingers along the roses. "You're also kind. You got me these roses. And you're sweet. And funny." She flicks her eyes up, and it admittedly turns me on a little. "Plenty of people make mistakes, Orion. I'm willing to give you another shot."

I hate being so oblivious sometimes. I can feel myself turn red. "Like--like friendship wise, or--"

Instead of answering me, Olivia smiles, puts her flowers back down, leans in, and kisses me.