I stumble, seeing stars. I've had my nose broken enough to know it was broken. For a moment my head swims, and I nearly topple over. It's then I notice blood absolutely pouring from my nose, like someone turned on a faucet. I cup my hands around my nose, but it takes merely seconds before my hands fill and blood drips from them.

"Oh fuck," Jake says, done screaming. He rushes over. "Oh my God, I am so, so sorry--"

"You broke my nose, you fuck!" I scream at him, but it comes out all nasally and muffled.

Jake is in an absolute panic. "Uh--what do you need? What do I do?"

"Get me some fucking paper towels or something," I say.

"Okay," Jake begins to rush away. He rushes back after only a few steps, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Jacob!"

"Right." He's gone.

Once he came back with an entire roll of paper towels, we sit on the couch. I try really hard to not get blood on his couch, but it's difficult because there's so much of it. He sits next to me, anxiously, as I pull off paper towels by the fistful and press them to my nose.

Finally, after a good five minutes, my nose slows down. I sniff a few times, gagging on a blood clot as it goes down my throat. Jake looks alarmed and my nose starts bleeding again.

"F-fuck," he says, voice trembling, "do I need to take you to the hospital?"

"I'm fine," I tell him with a glare, even though I sound like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer when he's wearing his black nose. "Could I just have some water? Please?"

Jake jumps to his feet. "Of course," he says as he rushes out of the room once more.

He returns with a glass filled to the brim with water. I take it thankfully, shutting my eyes tight as I try to wash away the blood that was dripping down my throat, too. When I'm done with that, I carefully sniff a few times, press paper towel to my nose to make sure I've stopped bleeding, and then look around the room.

That got way out of hand. I gawk, looking at the shattered table, the broken art piece, my blood everywhere. I can't help myself; I laugh suddenly. Jake gives me an incredulous look.

"It looks like someone was murdered in here," I giggle.

Jake looks around. He runs a hand through his hair, and even though I can tell he doesn't want to, he kinda smiles. "It does, doesn't it?"

We fall back into completely awkward silence. It doesn't take long before I can't take it.

"I'll pay for everything," I blurt out. "I'll pay for your carpet to be cleaned, too--"

Jake waves his hand. "Don't worry about it."

More painful silence. I bite my lip, hard.

"Jake..."

He closes his eyes. "Don't. Okay? Just don't."

But I can't help myself. "Simon said I was dead?"

Jake sighs heavily. He's not looking at me, he's looking at the ground. "Yeah. He was in such a hysterical panic he didn't know up from down. He thought he had killed you. I finally got it out of him that you were being rushed to the hospital. I didn't know which one though, so it took me a while to get that information."

For a moment, Jake glares at me, and I don't blame him at all. "I had the fun task of calling everyone and telling them to go to the hospital because you were either dead or dying."

"Jake, I am so, so incredibly sorry--"

Jake looks at me. Any and all anger has dissipated, and he looks sad. So, so very sad. He shakes his head at me, lips pursed. "Not this time, Ori. Sometimes things happen, and sorry just doesn't cut it."

I burst into tears. "Please, Jake," I beg. "Let me make this right? Please, you mean too much to me, I can't lose you."

Jake chuckles, shaking his head more. "I mean too much to you? Not enough..."

"Jake," I try desperately, grabbing his hand.

Jake removes his hand immediately, narrowing his green eyes. "Don't."

"Please," I say, and this time when I grab onto his hand he doesn't pull away. "Jake, you don't understand. I need you. I shouldn't have done any of that to you. I shouldn't have--I shouldn't have used you for sex like that--"

"I get it," he says softly, and his eyes drop to our hands. "You were hurting. I was drunk and there. We had a past--"

I squeeze his hand. "And I never should've used that past against you like that, like a weapon--"

"But you did."

That hurt. It hurt even more that he looked so miserable.

"Jake," I implore, my voice shaking, "I was a mess. I'm sorry. Remember when you pushed me into the pool, over the summer, before any of this happened?"

Jake nods.

"Look--what I did that day, when I tried to kill myself--"

"Oh," Jake cuts me off bitterly, "so we're there now, huh? Finally calling a duck a duck?"

"Yes," I tell him, choosing to ignore the annoyance in his voice. "When I tried to kill myself, it was because I was hurting. I was hurting so fucking much, I just wanted the pain to stop. I was chasing that feeling of floating at the bottom of the pool after you pushed me in. It was so muffled and quiet, so simple, and I didn't have to feel anything--"

"Please don't talk like that--"

"But it's true."

"Fuck, Orion!" Jake yells at me, causing me to jump. He looks near tears again. "Why the fuck didn't you say any of this? We could've tried to help you!"

"For exactly what you just said!" I snap back through my tears. "You said you didn't want me to talk like that!"

"I don't," Jake says desperately, and he angrily wipes away the tears that fell, and swipes his nose that's turning red. "Fuck, Ori, I don't want to hear about you wanting everything to just be muffled, and where you can't feel anything. I want to help you."

"It's not just that," I say a little softer at his tears. "Look, I don't expect you to get it, but it's hard. It's really fucking hard when you have an illness like this. It's like--it's like my brain split in two. I knew the depressive thoughts I were having weren't logical. If I knew it wasn't logical, and I was trying to talk myself out of these irrational thoughts, why the fuck would I burden you with that garbage?"

"Because I love you!" he screams at me. "I love you so fucking much, in every sense of the damn word."

I'm taken aback. "W-what?"

Jake looks at me, and I can tell he's trying so very hard not to break. "You don't get it, do you? I love you. I have never stopped loving you, Orion. I love you so much that I was willing to just stand there and watch as Tristan swept you off your feet."

I felt like someone slapped me across the face.

"I let Tristan take over because I knew how good he was for you. I knew you would open up for him; I knew he was the only one you'd let inside. I knew how much you needed him. So I buried my feelings, yet again, and I didn't tell you how much I was dying inside, because my unrequited love means fuck all compared to your happiness and health! If Tristan could get through to you--if Tristan could make you not be depressed and be able to function--if Tristan could give you the things I never could over the years—"

I cry harder. "Fuck, Jake--"

"And it was so, so messed up, because you were never mine to begin with."

I completely break down. "I am sorry, I am so sorry--"

Jake pulls me into a hug. And even though he's got some of my blood on his hand, I don't care when he begins to play with my hair. "I'm sorry I said all those nasty things," he whispers to me. "I'm trying to convince myself still that I'm not yours, and I'm never going to have you."

I gasp against his chest.

"So, I've been trying to get myself to hate you, because if I hate you then maybe I won't feel so empty and pathetic inside."

I pull away from Jake and wipe my eyes, although I'm sure I probably just smeared blood all over my face. "Jake, I think you're right. I think--I think maybe we shouldn't be friends if it's too much for you--"

Jake kisses me. I don't kiss him back, I freeze. And after a moment his face crumples and he whimpers against my lips. And then he's done kissing me, but his eyes are still closed, and his forehead is pressed to mine, and he's rubbing the nape of my neck with his thumb.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, "I just--I needed to kiss you a final time before I finally let you go. For good."

"Jake--" I croak out, but he stops me.

"I think you should leave now. I need to clean up all this shit."

"Let me help you--"

"You've done enough, Orion."

Dejectedly, I look at my lap. I'm surprised when he gently removes my lip from my teeth. He smiles fondly, boops my cheekbone gently. "No biting."

I nod. Wordlessly we walk to the door. However, once we reach the foyer, it's like neither of us can move, caught in a force field. We stand there, looking at each other.

"A-are you sure you don't want h-help? W-with the mess?" I ask.

Jake simply smiles and shakes his head.

I look at my feet. "Jake, look, I--"

"Don't."

I look back at him. "I can't leave here not knowing where we stand. Are we friends at least?"

Jake blinks a few times.

"I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be for you," I tell him, and I'm sure I've never said anything so honestly in my entire life.

Jake shakes his head. "Don't be. My problem, not yours."

"So...are we friends?"

Jake smiles, but it's still closed-lipped and it's still really sad. He pats my shoulder once, and then opens the door. "I think I would like to be your friend."

I wanna pour my heart out to him. I want to try to get him to understand how sorry I am, for everything. But instead I just nod a few times, cram my hands into my pockets, and leave.

I got what I wanted, and yet I still felt awful.