[Trigger Warning: discussion of suicide]

My mom takes John by the shoulders. "John. Come help me with that—that thing. In the kitchen."

"Right," John replies immediately. "That—that thing that needs fixing."

They both rush out of the room. Amy, still standing on the staircase, rolls her eyes.

"Well gee, that wasn't weird at all, was it?"

I laugh nervously. "Yeah I know, r-right?"

Amy saunters down the rest of the stairs and stands in front of me. I want so badly to hug her, to tell her I'm so sorry for scaring her. I want to promise her I'd never, ever leave her, and she really doesn't have to worry about me killing myself because I couldn't do that to her.

But instead she's standing there, looking like she doesn't know what to do. And her arms are behind her back, and she looks super nervous. I think if someone said boo at her, she'd jump out of her skin.

I wait patiently, letting her dictate how this goes.

"Um," Amy says finally. "I—I got you a welcome home gift."

I'm touched. "Amy, you didn't have to—"

She brings out from behind her back a bag filled with water. There's a single goldfish swimming around. I'm immediately taken back.

A goldfish? The fuck am I going to do with a fucking goldfish? How the fuck does someone even take care of a goldfish?! Was Amy seriously expecting me to be able to keep this thing living?! For fucks sake, she knew that I could barely take care of my own damn self!

"O-oh. A goldfish." I take the bag from her and force a smile. "You shouldn't have. You really, really shouldn't have—"

Amy looks at the ground and sniffs. I can't see her face, her hair falling in front of it. When she speaks, it's barely above a whisper. "I thought maybe if you had something to take care of, if you had something that was dependent on you for survival, then maybe you wouldn't want to leave anymore—"

I nearly drop the damn thing. "Fuck, Amy!" I pull her into a tight hug.

And I hate it because she's clinging to me, and she's crying, and she's shaking like a leaf on a tree in a typhoon, and it's the Goddamn hospital all over again. Finally I open my eyes and see John and mom peeking at us from around the corner. I roll my eyes, kiss Amy on the top of her head, and gently guide her back toward the stairs.

"C'mon. Let's talk in the guest room." I shoot a glare at my relatives, and their heads disappear around the corner. "You know, where we'll have privacy!"

"Sorry," I hear John and mom mutter.

"Worst family ever!" I tease loudly. As we make our way to the room, I mumble to myself, "You bunch of eavesdropping hobos."

I'm happy when Amy laughs at that.

We go into the bedroom where I'll be staying. Amy sits on the bed while I chose an armchair by a desk. Amy still isn't looking at me, looking at her lap instead. For a moment I don't know what to do or say.

Finally I put the goldfish on the desk gently. When the bag starts to roll I panic, grab it, and re-position it. When I'm confident it's not going anywhere, I turn back to Amy.

"Fuck, Amy, this thing is as good as dead yaknow."

I'm happy when she shoots me a rueful smile and a playful glare. "You better not kill it."

"I don't know how to take care of it!"

She rolls her eyes. "Look it up online, Einstein."

Uncomfortable silence.

"What're you gonna name it?" she asks.

"Amy."

She screws up her face. "What if it's a boy?"

I grin wickedly. "Still Amy."

She rolls her eyes. I grab the bag again, looking at my new pet. "How can you tell the sex of a goldfish?"

"Hell if I know."

"I think I would've preferred a dog."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

She smiles at me. "What kind?"

"Black lab. They're so fucking cute."

The smile starts to slip off Amy's face. "I'll have to keep that in mind..."

I put down my goldfish once more. When I'm sure it's not going to roll and go splat, I get up and sit next to her.

"Amy."

She looks at me, trying not to cry, chin a wrinkled mess. "I'm sorry I didn't visit you, and I'm sorry I didn't call, or answer any of your text messages. I didn't know what to say to you, Orion! What the fuck was I supposed to say?"

I pull her into a hug, resting my chin on the top of her head. "You could have told me you'd be there for me."

Amy looks at me in a chiding way. "Orion, you know that I—"

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad," I cut her off, "but Amy. I haven't spoken to you in three damn months. I didn't know that, nor did I feel it. I thought you hated my guts."

Amy pulls away from me and looks horrified. "What?! Orion, I could never hate you!"

"You coulda said that."

"I'm sorry."

I smile at her and boop the tip of her nose. There had been a tear there, and now it was on my fingers. I smile at her, rubbing my fingertips together. "You're my favorite sister, you know that?"

That makes her laugh. Rolling her eyes, she wipes them. "I'm your only sister, Ori."

"Well, lucky you, then."

There's a bit of awkward silence. Then she mumbles, "I'm really sorry O—"

I wrap my arm around her shoulders, giving a squeeze. Then I shake her and let her go. Smiling brightly at her, I speak.

"Please don't apologize anymore, okay? We're good. Let's just—move on, yeah?"

Amy looks at her lap, whispering. "How do you move on from something like that?"

I give her my best, reassuring smile. "I don't know. I'm...still trying to figure that out myself. When I do I'll let you know, okay?"

Amy pulls me into another hug. Once we're done, she seems more relaxed. She catches me up on her life--the latest school drama, her grades (still abysmal), how Chloe is doing. She gushes to me about this band she's been listening to, and for a while we talk music.

When everything is said and done, I'm happy our dynamic has returned. There's no more awkwardness. The fact that we were able to slip back into such a relaxed, open-book relationship with one another, well...It made me feel guilty. I truly never wanted to put her through anything even remotely close to that ever again.

"What?" Amy asks when she notices the dark cloud passing over my face.

I didn't come here with the intent on trying to make amends with Amy right off the bat. Yet after everything, I suddenly felt like it was right. "Amy..."

Amy tips her head slightly to the side. "What, Orion?"

I look at my feet. I'm holding Amy the Goldfish again, sitting in the armchair. As I try to gather up the proper words, I just watch it swim around. Finally I think I know what I want to say, and I lift my head.

"I am so, so sorry I did that to you."

"Ori, it's fine--"

"Just listen, okay? Please?"

She closes her mouth.

I take a deep, shuddering breath and run my free hand through my hair. "Everything you told me in the hospital was true. I hadn't meant to OD, but if I'm being truthful with myself, I did."

Amy looks upset, so I rush on.

"Look, the point is I am so, so sorry. And it's fucked, because now I know you're going to go through your entire life with that nagging worry in the back of your head, 'Is my brother going to try and kill himself again?'. That sucks, and I shouldn't have put you through that." I shake my head. "I shouldn't have put anyone through that."

Amy comes to me and briefly rubs my arm. "I get it, Ori. I do."

"I just--" I can feel tears coming on, but I'd be damned if I was going to cry. I was so, so sick of crying. "I am so, completely, utterly sorry I scared you like that, Amy. I just--I want us to be okay. That's all I want. I just want to be okay with my sister, and I will do anything to get there again."

Amy pulls me into a final hug, chuckling softly. "C'mere, you big, stupid teddy bear."

I can feel myself blush. "I'm not a teddy bear."

"Yeah you are."

"Am not."

"Shut up, Orion."

Smiling, I close my eyes. "Okay."