As I lock up, I'm silent. When Scott follows me across the lawn to Jake's house, I'm silent. Even when I ring his doorbell I'm not saying anything, lost deep within my thoughts. I hate going to that place, but it's swallowed me whole, and I honestly don't really feel like fighting it.

The door opens. Jake looks at me, and then at Scott. Without even trying to hide it, Jake gives Scott elevator eyes, his lips slightly parted. He then smirks, and I'm surprised how unabashedly Jake flirts.

"Oh. Well, hello, handsome. I wasn't expecting you to be here with Orion."

I glance at Scott, who raises his eyebrows, and I can see in the dim light he's turning the color of the sunset sky behind us. I look back at Jake, who is looking cheeky. Rolling my eyes, I push Jake backward.

"Down, boy," I tell Jake, continuing to propel him backwards into his house. Scott comes in, shutting the door behind himself. "Jake, this is Scott Davis. Scott, if you remember, this is Jake Larson."

The two shake hands, and Jake grins. "Oh, I know who he is."

Once again, I roll my eyes. "Dude, don't make it weird. Stop flirting."

Scott, even though he speaks evenly, blushes furiously. "It's good to see you again. We didn't really talk much at the party...Fan of mine?"

Jake sweeps his eyes up and down Scott's body again. "You could say that..."

"Jacob!"

Jake turns to me. "What?!"

I can't help it, I laugh. "I'm gonna leave with Scott if you don't knock it off."

Jake pouts. "Aw, fine."

"I actually find it flattering when guys hit on me," Scott says, still red in the face.

Jake smiles genuinely and he looks curious, leading us further into his house. "You do?"

Scott laughs, slowly turning back to his normal skin tone. "Yeah. It's just nice knowing I'm attractive to both teams."

Jake smirks. "And do you play for both teams?"

I moan and cover my face. "Jacob..."

Even though Scott laughs, I'm pretty sure Jake is trying his hardest to embarrass me, and I low key hate him for it. "Nope, sorry. I'm just team straight."

"Aw. And I couldn't persuade you?"

I scream. "JACOB LARSON!"

Jake cackles. Scott laughs, running a hand through his hair. "You know, you're actually not the first person to try to sway me. But no, sorry. I'm straight."

"Aw. Oh well."

"Can you be normal, just for once in your life?!" I snap at Jake.

"I d'no, can you?"

That makes Scott laugh. We get situated, Jake falling into perfect host mode. Once we're all settled in his living room with drinks (everything was back in order, no sign of the brawl he and I had), the three of us make small talk. Or at least Scott and Jake do. I, however, am largely quiet, staring blankly at my flavored water, lost in the maze of my mind.

"Ori."

I snap out of it, lifting my head. Jake, perched in his hanging cage chair, one leg drawn up, is looking at me seriously. "You okay?"

"Y-yeah."

Jake puckers his lips and looks completely unconvinced. "Orion."

I close my eyes. "I don't want to--"

"Stop," Jake says, and I open my eyes. Then, he speaks so softly, so sweetly to me. "Please. I want to know what's going on. I just want to help you, Ori. Let me help you."

"Yeah," Scott says, and I swivel my head to where he's lounging in a white armchair. "It's just us, okay? We just went through rehab together, and Jake's your best mate from everything I can gather."

My eyes start to feel uncomfortable, so I look down as I speak. "Sorry, I just--"

"Don't apologize," Scott interrupts me kindly.

"Never apologize," Jake says, and when I look at him he is shaking his head gently.

So I take a deep breath. "I was just thinking about all the times when I was little, before I was adopted. We'd watch cartoons and TV shows where everyone was happy, and conflicts were dealt with swiftly and thoroughly. Then I was adopted, and I was thrust into a world that was nothing like that."

I can't help myself; the hand that isn't holding my drink clenches into a hard fist, and it hurts, and I can feel the tears evaporating and turning into rage. "All that bullshit was a lie. I grew up in a world that wasn't fair, that wasn't safe. The adults in my life pitied me, or they flat out didn't care. Then my father, my own father, did terrible things to me and my mom didn't give a shit. The people who were supposed to protect me, look after me, keep me safe, were the ones who hurt me."

I shake my head, and I think I might cry anyway, but it's not from sadness. "It's not fucking fair I didn't get to be a kid. It's not fucking fair that I was made vulnerable. It's not fucking fair that they broke me so badly I've been a mess my entire life."

And it's with my final words that I do cry, but it's just softly with my nose running and some tears spilling onto my cheeks. "And it's not fucking fair that I now have to work towards being a functioning member of society, while for most people it comes naturally, because they weren't fucked over when they were a kid."

For a while the room sits in silence. Finally I look around myself, searching for a box of tissues until I find it. I quietly blow my nose and wipe my eyes. I can't bring myself to look at them, because my embarrassment is too great. I shake my head and whisper, "I just wanted to be a fucking kid."

The strange thing was, after that epiphany I just had in front of Scott and Jake, I felt better. Not completely. It was still very raw for me. I don't think I had ever addressed head on how bitter I was towards my lost childhood.

It wasn't just bitterness, either. As I sat there with Jake and Scott, I truly began to mourn the childhood I never got. The first ten years of my life were as close to a normal childhood as I could get, but even those years were tainted by a subdermal yearning to fit, to belong, to be wanted. Being passed over time and time again pounded into my head that I was undesirable, that there was something inherently wrong with me. Then the rest of my childhood was such a cluster fuck I was just surviving, not living.

I didn't go to any school dances. The two serious relationships I had in High School exploded into fiery flames. Then I made something for myself--we made something for ourselves, but by that time I was just a kid trapped in an adult body, trying to navigate a world I was never taught to properly live in. I just kind of coexisted with life, stumbling along as best I could.

It was with all these thoughts I began to genuinely feel better, for the first time, maybe ever. I definitely got the short end of the stick. It wasn't fair that I had my innocence ripped out of me time and time again. It's not fair that I can never truly have a childhood.

What kind of sick fuck prays on a child? How messed up does a person have to be to become a predator, a bully? What did they go through to abuse a child? My father had occasionally spoken about his own bad relationship with his father. In my mind, that should have been when he broke the chain of abuse, not perpetuate it. It sure as shit wasn't fair that he perpetuated the abuse through me. 

I didn't ask for any of it.

Honestly, I think that's the worst part about it all. I was a voiceless, innocent baby when I was given away. No one knew the abuse I would suffer at the hands of my adoptive parents, but it was just yet another thing I didn't ask for. The logical part in me knows I didn't deserve any of what I had gone through.

Yet I had gone through it. And I, miraculously, had come out the other end in one piece. I mean yeah, sure, I had my fair share of scars and bruises, physically and mentally. But for the first time in my life, I was proud of myself. I was honestly, truly proud that I had endured so much and was still living.

"You okay Bauwens?" Scott asks me gently.

"Yeah," Jake says, his brow furrowed at me. "You did that thing where you crawled inside of yourself, and I don't think I've ever seen that many emotions pass over someone's face so quickly."

I look at both my friends gratefully, and I don't even care when a tear tickles down my cheek. It's one of those rare happy tears. I smile as I speak.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I'm really okay."

Jake and Scott look at each other, clearly confused. I'm grateful when they don't ask me any more questions, simply let me bask in the glory of being happy.