The void between emotions. . .
Don't let emotions rule your life,
it leads to mistakes, a sprinkle of misery, and quite a splash of frustration.
~◇~◇~

TODAY the physiotherapist gave me the 'all-clear' to walk unassisted. I also quit looking in the mirror every morning, and I now take my drugs religiously.

I did not speak to Ivan again after that day. In head though, I've asked him a million 'why' questions. I'm still thinking about him, completely eluded by the number of times I've caught myself smiling at the memory of our kiss from prom and the dance, we never got the chance to ease into our first broken rule.

Three weeks into the break up, I'm beginning to realise one thing: it's not that easy to turn away from someone you've only known love for.

Did I overreact? Tosin said those things, Ivan didn't. But Ivan never said anything either, and wasn't it his moms voice over the recording?

I told him I never wanted him to come back, that was a lie.

Why did I even say that?

I should have listened to him, if he was as bad as Tosin painted, he wouldn't have cared enough to come back, he wouldn't have stood there looking so broken, people don't fake emotions like that, but then there's the conceivable question of what if Tosin was right? After all when I asked him, he agreed that Tosin said the truth.

What if all the pain he's hiding behind those eyes made him insecure?

When I told him I was dying, he didn't freak out, I at least owe it to him to listen to his explanations. But my own feelings are valid too, I told him everything and he kept his whole world from me.

Why am I worried about him?

I pick my phone and scroll through the contacts, I couldn't delete his number, I only blocked it from calling me or sending me messages. I hold my breath and unblock it. My fingers vibrate as if he would call this instant. I don't know what to do, what if I'm the one who misjudged this situation? I don't want to be the one who calls, maybe I'm just afraid that he has truly moved on, which will prove Tosin right.

"God". I breathe down, getting anxious as my heart runs itself ragged. I dial Chinny's number, she's the only one that can put me through this. Mom will also have great advice if I ask her but when I explained the whole incident to her last week, she was convinced that I overreacted. She even promised to invite him over if I didn't resolve the conflict.

"Buns! Any good news?" Chinny's voice is an elixir to my panic.

"Yes, but that's not why I called. "

"Wait first, did they clear you to go on without the wheelchair?"

"Ooohh," I growl impatiently, "Yes." I say.

She screams so loud I pull the phone from my ears, but her joy is infectious, so I laugh.

"I'm so happy, when I come back, I'm coming over to spend the week of in your house. "

"Really? The whole week?"

"You heard me right." she laughs.

"I can't wait. So how's Calabar? Were the questions difficult?"

"Not really, but there's a lot of favouritism here. I just want to see my score so I can know my fate." She sighs.

"Isn't it you again? You'll definitely get the admission. Even your Jamb score is enough boost. "

"I hope so." I can her the uncertainty in her voice and i wish I was there to hype her physically.

"I'm rooting for you Chin. You're going to smash that merit list."

"I know right?" She giggles, "so what was the matter you wanted to talk about?" She asks.

Maybe I'm just being stupid, allowing my emotions to rule me again. Nobody said giving up the love of your life was going to be easy, it's only been three weeks, maybe I just need more time to move on.

"Don't worry about it. " I tell her after a long silence, "it's nothing. " I add.

"If it's Ivan, he needs you Bo. He called me today and girl, the boy is broken...."

"He called you? Why would he call you? How does he even have your number?"

"Will you shut up and listen first? It's not about all these attitudes you're putting up, the boy has been trying to reach you, he even saw you leave the hospital today without your wheelchair, I asked you only because I wanted to confirm."

"I don't understand, why didn't he call me and where was he seeing me from?"

"Are you stupid or are you deaf? Did you not tell me you blocked him? And what do you care? He wanted me to tell you that the day he took you to his house, he had planned to tell you everything but he didn't expect his brother, I've forgotten his name..."

"Tosin."

"Yeah, something like that.... To tell you first. He didn't go back home since then, he has been hanging on the streets with a woman who sells bole close to the hospital..."

"Wait...you..."

"Boma shut up and let me finish or I'm hanging up and you won't see me again. I'm serious."

I don't get why she's being so aggressive towards me, am I wrong for feeling betrayed?

"I'm bothered by the last thing he said.... More like the way he said it."

"What was that?" I shake my head, uncertainty has ceremoniously taken up residence in my thoughts.

"He said, he was going to go away and that if you ever forgive him, it was going to the be too late and that you can find him where the sunset hits the hardest."

What?

My mind tries to analyse the words, I imagine him, Ivan would never say those things, "I don't understand. "

"I didn't understand him too. I told him I was going to call you, so he can speak to you, so please, call him because I really don't like the way he sounded. At all and I'm serious Boma, call him now."

Go away? To the New York? What is he talking about?

"Boma! Did you hear me or was I talking to myself?"

With every prompt in Chinny's voice, I hear my own voice, in the way I asked him to get out, in the way I told him he was a mistake.

"I'm scared Chinny. He's going to do something crazy."

"Then call him now, please. " her voice takes a pleading tone saddled with a bone-chilling urgency.

I wipe the few tears that have dropped, "okay." I pull the phone from my ears and hang up.

What have I done?

I scroll to the previously unblocked number and hit call. It rings and goes to voicemail. I calm myself and call again, another voicemail. When I get the third voicemail, I can't control the cyclone stirring up within me.

"Mom!" I run down the stairs as fast as I can, without considering the stabbing pain in my hip.

"Why are you running? You just got your all clear." I stop a few feet from the sofa where she's sitting. His face flashes in my mind, and I let loose all the fear I have boxed up.

She turns around, "Boma?" Her face tenses, "what happened? Why are you crying now?"

"I-I don't know....mommy, he's not okay." I brush off the unwavering flow of liquid panic. I try to compose myself, he's fine, maybe just away from his phone.

Am I overreacting again? I ask myself, "no, no" I shake my head, "mummy he-he's not okay. "

"Ivan?" She asks. I nod, brushing off the steady stream of tears that have now taken a significant turn from panic to profound guilt.

What if he's killed himself? I'm not even angry anymore.

She stands up and walks to me, concern tagged vehemently on her face. "Boma get a grip on yourself and talk to me, would you?"

I sniff, wiping more tears, "he called Chinny and was talking funny." I take time to catch my breath, my heart is already beating out of control, "I've been trying to reach him and he isn't picking up."

She holds me, "oya calm down. Breathe."
My gaze is set on hers, I mirror her breathing, in, out, in, out.

I start crying again when I remember the words, "mom I forgive him o. I'm not even angry anymore." I say shuffling my feet in an attempt to calm myself. "I don't want anything to happen to him mom."

"Is he at home?" She asks.

"No. He never went home after that day he brought me to the hospital. "

"What?? How did he not go home!" She yells and the reality of the situation really hits me. Ivan could be dead right now and it would be my fault. "Did he tell you he wasn't going home?" She yells at me, the fear written over her own face scares me the more.

I nod sobbingly, "no, I didn't know."

She grabs her phone. "I'm calling Sua. You know his house right?"

"No. I don't remember where it was. Chinny said he was hanging around the hospital, he even saw us today."

"Where exactly?"

"Something about a bole..."

"Hello? Adesua, what am I hearing about Ivan having not returned home in weeks?"
I hear the voice on the other end explaining but it's not on speaker so I don't know what is being said. I know we'll be going out so I rush back upstairs to put on something decent. I keep calling him, hoping that he's still there. He doesn't pick up. I grab my sweater and my sneakers and run back down.

The sight of mom pacing freaks me out but I'm determined to clear my head and find Ivan. If it was me, he would do more.

"What did she say?" I swallow the nerves building up behind my throat.

"He was at a hotel a few weeks ago, he left his car there. After days of trying to reach him, he called his mom this afternoon and told her not to look for him."

"That's it?" I can't believe it, "are they looking for him? Did they call the police, they have a lot of soldiers in that house and they can't find him?"

"She says the police suspect he's been kidnapped and made to make the call because the phone was untraceable. "

Kidnapped? Without asking for a ransom? They're going to kill him.

My hands find my mouth as I squeeze my eyes, find my balance on the floor and belt out a tortured wail. Mom rushes to hold me before the next wail.

"Tell me everything Chinny told you." She says intently

"He called her, and explained that he didn't lie to me, just a miscalculation of time, and that he was with a woman who sold bole next to the hospital gate and that if I ever forgave him, it was going to be too late." I manage to tell her in a complete sentence while heaving simultaneously.

"We have to go now."

"I'm ready." She helps me off the floor, picks her purse from the table and we head out the door.

I'm holding on to my heart, it's now beating for both of us, I can only hope we're not too late.

Ivan please don't do it. I whisper in my head.

~°~°~°~°~°

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