The void between ends. . .
Now you draw the curtains.
The memories you have, sting.
Nothing soothes.
I'd advise that you take the time to remember, take time with ease,
You just might find a beginning.
~◇~◇~

I wake up to my phone singing, blow my mind, Chris brown ft. Davido.

"Hello," she whispers,

I sit up, "good morning ma."

"Ivan?"

"Yes ma, it's me."

"Good morning darling. I wanted to tell you that Boma is awake." I feel another knot tie itself in my bowels.

"So can I start coming? Would I be able to see her?"

"Yes, Private ward seven." She replies.

"Is she there with you?"

"I'm in the bathroom now. I don't want her getting worked up."

"alright, I'm on my way. Thank you ma."

"Okay dear." She hangs up.

My head drops in my hands, followed by a deep sigh. I look across the hotel room from the bed. The sleeping pills and dry gin I bought yesterday are still on the table. I couldn't do it.

Since my father died and we moved away, I've always thought about suicide. I researched about it, watched stories about it, once in Ss2, I tried to slit my wrist in the dorm but my roommates never left the room. I've thought of taking a jump off a bridge, but it'll be messy. At some point, I thought drowning was the way, but they say it burns too much. For months now, I've known that if I was ever going to do it, the pills-alchohol overdose was the quickest, least painful, least messy option. So I took my first step yesterday.

Maybe she'll understand.
Maybe she'll forgive me.

Ding! "Room service."

I walk over to the door and open it, "Best of the morning sir." He says, "I have to tidy your room."

What if she doesn't want to see me?
Maybe she won't remember what happened.
I can't take advantage of that.

"Sir?"

"Sorry. Clean. Right?"

"Yes."

" uhmm I won't be needing that."

"Are you okay man?" The cleaner's brows pique.

I wear a smile, "I'm fine, thanks." I close the door.

She hates me already.
God.
Ivan, why didn't you tell her?

"Boma, please forgive me." I whisper.

In the shower, it feels as if my thoughts are trying to drown me. I step out and dry off before wearing my suit again. I remember yesterday, I've messed up so bad, my hand, the fight, Tosin. I'll try again today, one last time. I'll try to make it work, I'll fix it.

I pick my phone, key and debit card before leaving the room. The cleaner steps out from the adjacent room, he's watching me, I can tell.

Mike's voice stops me in my tracks, "Lady, the young man was here. We traced his vehicle to this hotel and as we speak, it's parked right outside. This young man is extremely important and you need to tell us the room number now." I peek and I see him and Deji interrogating the receptionist.

"Sir, I'm really sorry but I'm not permitted to give out such information. You'll have to speak with our manager. His office is on the last floor. Thank you." She says, visibly frightened.

"Damn!" Mike bangs the counter, the girl jumps, I shake a little. He signals Deji and they take the stairs. I sneak past the reception, catching a glimpse of Ike waiting by the car.

"So did you gals have a good time?" A shrewd pot bellied man asks a group of young girls dressed in nothing more than decent bikinis.

"Chief! Chief!" The girls hail the man, he laughs and his belly bounces three meters in front of him. I join the crowd as a disguise.

10:15am. The sizzling morning sun, coupled with the roughness of the streets has me standing under a tree a few meters from the road. Aside that, I'm trying to keep a low profile.

"Wey you? You don dey stand there long o." A middle aged bald man with yoruba tribal marks approaches me. His skin has a sickly glossiness to the irregular colour patches spread throughout the surface. He could use some rest.

"e Kaasan, sir." Good afternoon, sir.

"Ehen, correct pikin. You dey find drop?"

"Drop sir?"

"Ehn, Şe o nilo, eh, takisi?"

"Yes, taxi."

"Ah!" he yells, I flinch, he laughs, the last time I saw such rotten teeth was never, "you for talk since na." he picks around his mouth with his fingers, "okay, Wa. Wa. Wa." he wipes his fingers on his kaftan. I"m grossed out so I keep standing and watching him. "Ejo o. You no dey go again? I say I go carry you. I get motor, e dey for there. Come may we dey go."

I walk out to meet his surveying eyes. I watch them move from my shoes, to my belt and my watch.

"Oboy, you dey okay?" He asks looking puzzled and annoyed at the same time.

"I'm fine sir." I prostrate.

"You no look like pikin wey suppose dey waka waka for road." he waves his hands frantically.

"I just need to get to Life Fountains Hospital, GRA."

"Hmm. Your money go be 1,500."

"You don't take transfers do you?" The way he looks at me makes me prostrate again and say sorry.

"I go carry you go ATM mashin' first." He starts walking. I follow him.

Sitting behind in the old and rusty vehicle, I'm entertained by the irregular pace of my breathing. I squeeze my fingers to preserve some warmth. The yoruba high-life playing in the taxi along with the man's sing along virtual karaoke reminds me of a distant childhood memory.

He stops the car, "if you look that side, you go see ATM mashin' queue no dey that one. Oya do fast." I get down and proceed to the machine.

"Thanks," I hand him the 1,500. He's looking at the rest in my hand.

"You for add something now, as e be say I wait for you." He says.

"Oh, I'm sorry. " I add a thousand. He smiles and restarts the car.

He looks at me through the rear mirror, "you get person for that hospital?"

"Yes, a friend. "

"E no well?"

"I believe that's the condition of people in hospital. "

"o ko ni, ra eso?" he asks,

"Fruits?"

"Eh now, person wey dey go see person wey no well dey suppose buy fruits. Make the person fit chop get in body back, kakaraka." He sounds like a comedian from an advert.

"Sure, the mall then." I say.

"Mall ke? Things too dey cost there abeg. My wife dey sell better fruits, sweet sweet one, all the type wey you want, she get am." He smiles, "E no far. Make we go?"

This is how people get kidnapped and sacrificed.

"just along the road?"

"As we dey talk now, I even they see am." He points ahead.

"Okay then."

"Ah!" He yells again, I'm getting used to his exclamation of excitement, "you be correct pikin o." He laughs. I look away, "oboy e be like say you no dey laugh o." He sounds offended. I drag my lips wide apart so he can leave me alone. The vehicle grinds to a halt in front of a small stall. A rather large, black grumpy woman sits behind the fruit array.

"Iya Tunde yiyara mu awọn eso." Bring fruits quick.

The lady jumps, almost instantly looking like the poster woman for happiness. She brings three watermelons, pineapples, paw-paws, she goes to grab her banana bunch when I yell out.

"No ma. I need just one of each."

"eeeehn, wahala no dey that one na." She smiles,"but the orange go get to plenty o, one no go do person."

"Sure." I nod, she passes the bags to me.

"The money na 6,000 naira." Her smile seems a little too wide for the real price. My mind tells me I'm being swindled but I hand the cash to the hyper excited woman. Her happiness makes me add four thousand. She looks at me with such joy, waving continuously as we drive off.

Once at the hospital, after deciding against giving my number to the man, I grab the bags and step out. Picture me, black boy, black shirt, black shoes, black belt, black trousers, weak eyes, extremely anxious, standing at the entrance of a hospital, hands occupied by bags of fruits. It's a miserable looking picture.

I stamp my feet a couple times, then start a breathing, and body shuffling cycle before walking in.

"Private ward seven?" I ask the receptionist, she studies me for a couple seconds. Looking unbothered by my anxious presence.

"Fourth floor. The nurses will direct you to the room when you get there. I tell her thank you and proceed to the elevator. Waiting for it to open is synonymous to waiting for your name to be called out on judgement day.

Ding!

The doors slide open and out comes Boma's mother. She hugs me immediately. It's such a warm hug, relaxed my nerves by five percent.

"Good morning ma." I force a smile.

"Enough with this ma, call me Mina or mom."

"Okay ma....Sorry Mom."

"That's better. She upstairs, fourth floor, last room down the right hall. I'll meet you, I need to grab her wheelchair at the pharmacy, physiotherapy starts today." She says.

She's taking this so well, such a strong woman.

"Okay, she's awake?" I ask.

"Ivan, she's waiting for you. "

Wait. What?

"Waiting?"

"She wanted me to call you, I told her already did. She seemed quite pleased by that fact."

Ninety percent of the nerves simmer off at this point. I breathe deeply.

"Okay, I'll go on then." I feel my lungs expand and my heart slow down as I push the button that'll take me to her.

"Good day," I greet all the nurses on the floor. On getting to the door, I hold my breath, turn the knob and walk in.

I see the teddy bear I got for her sitting on the edge of the bed. She's faced away from the door. So many wires and two drips are attached to her, one is for blood, the other is a yellowish coloured liquid. The mere sight of the blood flowing into her makes my knees weak and she's lived like this for years. I hear when she starts sobbing.

"Boma?" I drop the fruits and walk to her bedside. I don't touch her, the slap is still very vivid in my mind. She turns, her face is so red, redder than I've ever seen. Her hair is wrapped up in a loose bun. Her eyes are swollen.

"Ivan, you broke my heart." She wipes her eyes. They don't look like she's going to stop crying.

"I didn't mean to."

"But you did." She sniffs.

"Can you forgive me?" I ask.

She turns away again, sobbing more. My own eyes heat up.

"I can explain. " the first tears drop.

She turns back to look at me, her eyes are a pale cold blue, "I don't need your explanation, you had the time for that."

"Boma-"

"I was desperate, and I put too much pressure on you."

"Bo-"

"Stop." She says and I swallow the remaining words.

"I was so excited about sharing my pain and looking for an excuse, an escape from this misery of a life I'm living. I'm human for wanting that, you're human for..." she coughs, I reach out, "don't touch me. " she says and whatever it was that held up my tears broke, letting river after river of hot liquid regret and pain flow out. "You're human for doing what you did."

"Please Boma, give me another chance, please. "

"You had all the chances, but you kept throwing them away. I don't have forever to take more stupid chances, you know that."

My knees give out, "please," I kneel beside the bed. I hear her struggling not to cry out loud.

"I'm going to start physiotherapy because I broke my back. I'm going to use a wheelchair for 6 weeks. Did you know that?" I don't respond. I can't bubble up any words, not when she's made up her mind. "My mom's wedding is in four weeks. "

"I'm sorry." I whisper

"No need. I only wanted to tell you that you should chase your future because I don't have one. That there are a million other pretty, rich, healthy girls out there that I'm sure you're family will accept. I'm sorry I said I hate you, I don't. I forgive you for not causing more damage, by taking me to your house, you saved me. It ends here. This thing I tried with you was a mistake I'll regret till I die."

"Boma," I wipe my eyes, "I don't want them, I don't need those things, I just need you."

"Thanks for coming, take whatever it is you brought and leave, take your teddy bear too, the necklace and bracelet is on the bear. Please take them and leave. I'd leave this hospital too but it's just tragic that I can't walk. "

"You're not even trying to understand...

"Ivan as you can see I'm not strong enough to deal with this...

"You wanted to know if I really loved you, well I still love you, I'll never stop...

"Just leave please, go and do what your mom wants, forget me and I'll try to do the same...

"I wonder if it's you who never loved me-"

"GO! NOW! GET OUT!" The heart monitor spikes.

"I should never come back?" I ask.

"Leave. " she stares in my eyes.

I pick myself up and walk out.

It's done.