ℬᎾℳᎯ

Alone, laying in bed while machines keep me alive, I realise that the little things matter. Things like I still choose to smile, Ivan still chooses to kiss me even though I'm stuck on 24hr oxygen and I still laugh at Chinny's tears.

Chinny left for Calabar this morning but she made sure to spend the night in the hospital with me and Ivan.

Since we got back, I've lost count of the days. Everything after Italy has zoomed by faster than highschool, faster than the flights, faster than I want.

Maybe it's Tuesday or Thursday, I'm at Riverside permanently. White lights, beeping ventilator, I got a new machine too, this one drains the fluid in my lungs and I hate it the most because it keeps me in bed longer than I want to be.

Nothing is the same, everybody seems to be putting a lot of effort into making me laugh. Mom's jokes are the dryest and I laugh because they're so dry; then I start coughing because I laughed too much and everyone becomes silent, watching me.

Yesterday, my blood pressure dropped really low, my temperature too, so Mom and Ivan bundled me in duvets, layers of socks, and beanies. He then came up with the idea of creating a photo board of all our memories from the trip. I watched from my bed as he pasted the printed pictures on the wall, in order from Maasai Mara to Venice. I caught Mom staring too long at the sunset kiss. She smiled and didn't say anything. Maybe she's suspicious, I didn't say anything either, she'll just never know.

Ivan left this morning after Chinny, his mom came in and told me to get better and I smiled like I believed her, it's easier to help them heal, my own story of healing is done with.

I was supposed to call mom to come back after they left but I like to remain here, by myself while their lives go on without me.

I squeeze my eyes and let out a small breath from my mouth. On the table beside my bed where I have beverages and fruits, I see Ivan forgot his signed copy of Dying Like The Sun. I remember he was scribbling some stuff in it earlier, smiling his half everything smile and hiding it from me, so I pick it up and adjust myself. Icecubes are my staple now since I can't eat without assistance. I put a cube in my mouth and start sucking on it.

The first page has me analysing Sarah's signature again, I run my finger tips through the cursive writing for a few minutes then I flip to the next page. I see what he scribbled there:

"The void between us.
You are worth dying for.
I would die for you.
But you wouldn't have it.
Right?..."

I smile and flip to the next page:
"The void behind us.
I would be your road block.
I want to save you.
Would you let me?..."

The next page:
"The void between us.
I want you to stay.
You want to stay, right?..."

Next:
"The void between us.
How do I survive without you?"

I laugh, realising that he did not forget it. He definitely wanted me to find this. I go back and start writing my answers.

"Right. Don't die for me, one of us dying is enough."

"No. We don't have to end because I die, I'm the only one who ends."

"I want to stay. I want to stay a hundred years if I could."

"You know how. The same way you made my life not a hot mess, you'll find a way."

I flip a few pages and he didn't write anything so I turn to the penultimate page and my note is there:

"The void between us.
I have spent four months with you, but a lifetime loving you."

There's no question mark or ellipsis so I turn to the last page:

"The void between hearts.
Can my heart beat for both of us?..."

I flick the tear away from my eye and write, "It already does." Then I close the book and put it under my pillow.

I check my phone, it's almost 12 noon. I send mom a text message that I'm alone. She replies instantly, "On my way."

I look at the photos on the wall and don't try to stop crying.