ℐᏉᎯℕ

WE WOULD REMAIN HERE, breathing the same air, trying to make the most of a day we'll never forget. The day everything changed, while we're still the same.

Sex makes you know things. Strange and powerful things. Things like pleasure, desire and control. But there's still the confusion—How does that knowledge manage to change everything?

Heartbeat.

Thoughts.

Trust.

Voice. . .

It's probably been an hour, but I haven't stopped looking at her and she hasn't stopped smiling. I rest my thumb on her bottom lip and kiss her again. The doorbell interrupts our kiss. We both look up.

"Room service."

"Uhmm. Can you come back later?" I ask out.

"Sure." The person leaves.

I go back to staring at her. She looks like a million thoughts are ravaging her mind.
"Do you want to talk about it?"

She smiles. "You're not eighteen till next tomorrow, and me, till November." She says. "We broke that rule."

I shake my head. "We've broken all the rules."

"And we didn't use any. . ."

"Condoms."

She smiles. "It's my fault."

Fault?

"It's not a fault, Boma."

"Really?" Her eyebrows rise then her smile spreads into a chuckle. I reach forward to kiss her again and she pushes my head away, laughing hard. I try again and she sits up, tying her hair into a ponytail. 

My brain takes the opportunity to memorise how deep the line runs in the middle of her back, like a crevice in the Grand Canyon. I memorise the constellation of brown birthmarks, like Cassiopeia, six dots formed into an M dipping and leaning outwards like stairs. She looks over her shoulder at me. 

"It's not your fault, Bo. There's no fault here."

"I initiated it, and you followed." She says, "but, I don't regret any moment. If there will be consequences–"

"It's not like we have any STDs and maybe people don't get pregnant the first time."

Right?

She smiles with glistening eyes. "I won't stick around long enough to find out–"

"Boma–"

"Ivan. Listen, please." 

Crying wasn't on the list of things I expected to happen after. I tighten my jaw to pull myself together.

"I hate seeing you cry," I say. "I can't–"

"Ivan," she smiles. Holding my face. "We won't do this again. Ever."

I read her lips. The emphasis she placed on 'ever' how infinite it sounds like being asked to describe an abyss.

She struggles to stop the tears, by blinking and chewing furiously on her upper lip. "If I had forever, we would have waited, until maybe, life happens and we have the option of doing the right thing."

I have realized that she has a way with tears. If she means what she's saying, then they don't stop in a hurry.

"But I don't have forever, Ivan. So we did it wrong. Probably the only wrong thing I've ever done that I would never regret." She wipes her eyes, smiling. "Honestly. I chose the best person to break all the rules with."

I don't care about all of these things.

"Can you calm down, please. I don't want you to trigger a crisis. That's more important."

"You're choosing not to listen." She says

"I am. I am okay?" I have to get off the bed and hold her to my chest. I don't want to hear all of these things. 

"The next time you do this, promise me it'll be after you're married. I don't want you to get caught up in that web Mom talked about."

"You're going to make me cry."

She laughs. "Just promise first. You need to save your tears."

I look away. "Whatever."

She laughs again. "Okay I'll stop. But only if you promise."

"'I might never recover from you so I don't know what to promise." I tell her.

She looks at me, long. Then bends to pick up her robe off the floor, sliding her bra and underwear into the pockets, before standing up. 

I follow her eyes to the sheets. Blood.

"You might need that room service now," she says.

"I'll call them." I say. "We still have a dinner reservation. Do you feel up to it?"

"Quick shower and I'll knock again," she smiles. "Don't be shirtless this time." Her cheeks glow red.

I smile too as she walks to the door. 

When the door closes, I listen for the beep sound of her keycard, then the door opens and beeps again to lock. 

I'm not sure how I feel. My eyes steam up and evaporate quicker than usual.

She doesn't regret it. Then why was she crying?

Venice.

I don't feel like turning 18 again. It's scary to think about her not being able to do the same.

The right thing?

Maybe I should get her an engagement ring?

That feels weird.

She'll say I'm setting myself up to be a widower.

Did we love wrong?

I lay down with my hands folded behind my head. I try to memorize everything. Every kiss. Every taste. Every laughter. Every movement. Her smile and how she fit perfectly in my arms. 

Sheets. 

I sit up again, and dial room service on the intercom.

"Yes, I spilled. . .I need a change of sheets."

"Alright sir. The cleaner is on his way." The receptionist says.

"Excellent, thank you."

"You're welcome."

I take the sheets off, before going for a shower. The memories seem etched into every cell of my brain.

Zanzibar, September 22nd, 2019.

ᵗʰⁱˢ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ ⁱˢ ᵈᵉᵈⁱᶜᵃᵗᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ 3ʳᵉᵉᵇᵉᵉˢ 3reebeesᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ʸᵒᵘ ⁿⁱᵗᵃ ᶠᵒʳ ˢᵘᵖᵖᵒʳᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᵐᵉ ᵃˡˡ ᵗʰᵉ ʷᵃʸ! ⁱ ᵗʳᵘˡʸ ᵃᵖᵖʳᵉᶜⁱᵃᵗᵉ ⁱᵗ♡