13|ℬᎾℳᎯ

   I’M SORRY I LIED. 
The truth is; you were right and I freaked out because you guessed it. 
My heart is failing and I'm dying. 
I’m so sorry I didn’t really give us a chance. 
If I did, we’d have done all the crazy things I know you’ve cooked up; I cooked up some too. 
Know that I love-love-love you. I always have and I always will.
Before this, I was going to end the friends thing; it wasn’t working anyway. 
But then I found out that I don't have as much time as we'd need to build anything, and much as I’d love to want to go on, I don’t want to pull more people than necessary, into a life of holding on to me, only to leave them in despair when I leave, plus you seem like the most likely candidate for denial and depression following my mom. 
You make me feel out of my world but this is where I am and it’s where I’ll be. 
Don’t make me want to live Ivan, I don’t have that chance. 
However, you do. 
So, don’t turn into a widower. I want you to be happy, live long and full. Do everything you want and still don’t forget me.
Boma.

   I didn't sleep when I hit the bed, I couldn't. I've been typing and deleting my apology but I think I finally have it now.

   I read it twice and decide to erase the 'don't forget me' part. It's too sad, unnecessary. 

   My heart stops when I see it. 

   No! no! I was supposed to send it first.

   I grunt, punching the bed, almost tearing my hair from my scalp, cursing at my indecisiveness and slow typing skills. 

   I open the message and I can feel the warmth of the sunset.

"Boma, 
I'm just as stupid as you imagine, and I'm sorry for what I said. 
But before you make any decisions, know that away from you, I don't know who it is I am because you remind me of my best version and I want you to keep reminding me until I don't have to remember anymore. It sounds selfish I know, but to be honest, I've hated being friends with you, and it shreds my heart to pieces when I can't tell you how much I love you because that'll be breaking the rules. 
I know I sound crazy, and I would say damn the rules, but I know it's important that we keep them, it's important to guide us. 
You say sunsets make you feel like you beat another day, you said it tells the story of hope in a thousand colours and emotions. I believe that too. 
So, even though they're pictures, I hope these sunsets make you consider keeping me as your friend. 
Ivan."

   I get pulled out of the sunset when I taste my tears. I take a deep breath, holding it and thinking. I didn't sign up for this torture when I agreed to just friends. I bite the right corner of my bottom lip. It hurts, I don't stop. Am I being unreasonable?

   I read my apology. Then I read his message again. It doesn't flow. Sending it will cause a rift and even if I'm going to tell him, texting doesn't seem like the right manner. I stand up and begin to pace around the room. I don't understand what I'm doing anymore. 

   My intestines make a twist around my spine. I run to the bathroom and throw up half digested plantains, popcorn and some stuff I can't make out. I'm not sure if the vomiting is a reflex action to how messed up I feel, or if it's a side effect of dying, I don't feel so good.

   I have to reply to him at least. What do I say? 

   I pace around a little more then read his message again. 

   I start typing:

   "The sunset is warm and beautiful. 
   I wasn't upset with you, just freaked out a little and I never considered not being friends with you." I add a heart emoji. 

   I still didn't tell him, but at least he knows I wasn't upset and I appreciate his efforts. 

   "I want to make it official." He replies.

   "What's that?" 

   "Bomate Lawson, I'll be the happiest boy ever if you'll have me as your prom date. I promise to behave like a proper gentleman  and make it as memorable as possible." 

   Even though mom got the ball rolling, it's still really sweet. 

   Chinny. I put her on video call.

   My face is staring back at me until her glasses appear.

   "Buns! How—"

   "HE ASKED!"

   "You're getting married?" 

   My shoulders slump and she starts laughing.

   "Sorry. Just taunting you."

   "Ivan asked to go to prom with me. He just asked."

   "Did he go down on one knee and—"

   "It was a chat."

   "I'm sure he said some special words."

   "Not really, it was simple and straight to the point."

   She rolls her eyes. "So. Did you say yes?"

   Not yet.

   I hang up on Chinny and call Ivan instead. He picks up immediately. The place looks rowdy and I can hear Olamide's voice blaring from the speakers. I don't recognise this place and two husky looking soldiers are sitting with him.

   Where the hell is he? Why is he sitting with soldiers?

   "Why are you sitting with soldiers? Where are you?"

   "I'm at the pleasure park! Didn't want to go home! They're here with some guy!" He's shouting.

   "Oh. Did you take pictures of the sunset there?"

   "Yes." He turns the phone, so I can see it myself. I look outside my window. 

   How come it's more beautiful there than here?

   "I-I'm leaving now. It's getting l-late." He starts moving and even with the video scrambling, I can still view the park. I would love to go there and see for myself, it's not more than thirty minutes from my house.

   "I would love for you to take me to prom." I smile like I got a new set of teeth.

   "W-hat did y-you a-day? C-can't hear y-you. T-the network's-s r-real b-bad."

   "I would—" the video scrambles. My heart races. I call again. It rings, and I can see my face.

   Disconnected 

   I decide to try a voice call. "Sorry, the number you're trying to call is unreachable, please try..."

   "Damn it!" I throw my phone against the wall. I hear it crack. 

   Falling on my bed feels like dropping a hundred thousand feet from a plane. The tears roll out from the corners of my eyes. It's not because I couldn't reach him, it has nothing to do with him. Knowing my expiry date does not make things as easy as I had imagined. 

   Progressive organ failure with no hope of a transplant means I won't be spending anytime in the hospital. There's also no school after Saturday, so nowhere to go. Mom is getting married, and her honeymoon would follow. Chinny will be off to Calabar for university, and since I did not take UTME, no university for me this year. 

   By this time next year, I won't be here at all. Mom will, Tee will, Chinny will and Ivan will. Jacklyn and Quincy and the rest will also be here, and I'll become a memory. 

   In the beginning, it was me, Daniel and Kio. Two boys and a girl. Three sickly kids, all twelve, and pubertal-stunted. Kio left when his parents decided to transfer him to India for better treatment. He died last year.

   I left a message on his Facebook timeline: 'Rest in peace Kio, you deserve it.' Beside that message, I dropped a broken heart and a dove. 

   If anyone would have guessed who'd survive, they'd have guessed Daniel. He was the first bone marrow transplant patient, his little sister, Mara, was his donor. Daniel was the one who never gave in, even on the horrible-miserable-bad days. But I was the one who didn't believe in being positive. I was the realist of the trio, always reading up the statistics and stating how the odds were stacked up against us. The evening Kio was discharged, Daniel had a cough. The next morning, he was in a coma, by evening that day, he died, pneumonia. 

   I remember not eating and refusing to take my pills. I had seen a lot of kids come and go, some go home, some don't, but Daniel's death was the hardest of all. A week after he died, I had the heart attack and I thought that was my own passageway to heaven, I even embraced it. Then I had a dream and Daniel was there, in the hospital library our favourite hang out spot. He wasn't reading any book, just walking through the aisles. I followed him, calling out his name but his jerry coils kept disappearing between shelves. He dropped a book from the astronomy shelf and when I bent to pick it, he stood before me, eyes like burning stained glass, he said, "you're my shooting star Boma. Shoot."

   After that dream, I went on to become less realistic, and started borrowing optimism for everyone.

   Why did I get so carried away with false hopes? What will happen to the world without me in it? What would happen to me when I'm not in the world? 

   Four months and twenty-eight days. Two days from there is for prom. The other four months and twenty -six days, I have nothing to do. Nothing to be and nothing to leave behind.

   Life is unfair.

   "Boma." Mom knocks. I wipe my eyes immediately. 

   "Were you crying?"

   "Just a little." I say sniffling the last drops of the salty liquid behind my throat. "I wasn't able to tell Ivan—"

   "Ivan is downstairs."

   My eyes widen as my heart drops ten ft. below my chest. I'm searching her face for signs that she's joking, but her eyes are also wide in disbelief. 

   "Are you serious, Mom?" I start crying again. The thought of him being here is rousing more emotion than I can handle.

   "He just showed up." She shrugs. 

   I take a dash for the door and run downstairs.

   Oh my god, he's here.

   He has this big happy smile spread across his face, with flowers and a big teddy bear, with two VVIP prom tickets and a cardboard that reads: 'You Haven't Said Yes!' 

   Ivan has never seen me cry. I don't care anymore as my legs begin moving me towards him. I'm still crying, I can't stop. I wrap my arms around his waist. For a moment I think I'm going to kiss him but that's not what these feelings are about.

   I put my head on his chest instead. He holds me tight. My eyes are shut, as I cry into his polo, inhaling his strong perfume with a tinge of coffee and cocoa butter.

   "Yes. I would love for you to take me to my prom." I whisper. 

   I feel him hold me tighter. I also don't let go. I don't mind that mom is here. 

~°~°~°~°~°

This chapter made my heart spin while I was writing it. How did it make you feel while reading?

~♡Tamunosakiogaree♡~