11|ℬᎾℳᎯ

   IT STINGS. I shouldn't have come out today, it has all gone wrong the moment I did. First, there was the weirdness that I asked how his mom had the car and then there was Quincy and his troupe, and now this.

   Chinny's presence didn't even help. I shouldn't have called her, or maybe Chinny wasn't even the problem. The problem was that I nearly told him, but he guessed it,then I freaked out, got mad at him, and I'm the one lying. That's the thing with lies. You feel like everyone knows you're lying. 

   We drop Chinny off, she mouths 'bye', I wave at her. She waves Ivan and we head towards my house. Listening to Kofi talk to callers on the radio stretches the silence even more. Now I know what Chinny's shillingidingins is: it's the weirdness that exists in this car. The space between us. Not speaking, not moving, just sitting and wondering where it went wrong. 

   He doesn't drive in when we get home. I get out and start walking to the gate. I glance back to see what he's doing and he wears a stern pout on angry brows. I roll my eyes and push open the gate before I do something I'll regret. That something being telling him the truth.

   Mom is sitting out front, sipping juice and typing away at her laptop. I can see she has questions. I know she has a few guesses as to what went wrong, I also know they're all incorrect.

   "Good afternoon, Mom." I stand beside her.

   "Good afternoon, ma," he greets with a shallow smile.

   "Hmmm," she laughs. Clapping and shaking her head like she expected something to go wrong. 

   Of course she finds it funny.

   "This one both of you are looking like someone snatched your meat, what happened?" she asks. 

   "Nothing. We're fine." I chip in before Ivan starts explaining. 

   She has her brows raised; she's saving this talk for later.

   He looks at me with pleading eyes. "I'm okay, ma. There's no problem I just had to bring her back." 

   We're both standing there, frowning. Mom mutters something I don't understand.

   Why don't I just tell him? Worse case scenario, he doesn't ever come back. But I don't want that, what do I want then?

   "I'm sorry," he says. 

   It wasn't his fault today went sour, but I can't tell him. Saying 'sorry it wasn't your fault' will lead to 'you're right, I'm dying' and I'm not telling him that. I turn around and walk into the house. 

   I get to my room and sit at my table. Maybe I don't know what's best.
   "Bomate," Mom knocks. It's open so she walks in.  "Are you going to tell me what happened?" 

  "It didn't work," I reply soberly.

   "The outing?"

   "I almost told him, then I didn't, then he suggested it and I freaked out. He thinks he was wrong. Worse he thinks I'm upset."

    "So, why didn't you tell him you weren't upset and that he was right?"

   "It was already weird. I overreacted."

   "So, you'd rather have him believe you were upset?"

   "I don't know what to do. What if he stigmatizes me after I tell him? That'll shatter me completely."

   "First I don't think Ivan will act that way. He's not that type of boy," she says.

   "Mom he's not little Ivan anymore, he's almost a man now and I don't know what he picked up in those ten years of being away. What if he's not really feeling things the way I'm feeling them? What if he's just putting up a facade. . ."

   "If you tell him that you are not the strongest and that you're not sure about the next year and he acts out, then that's on him, not you honey," she turns my face towards hers. "I'm not a fan of you being in a relationship, but if it's Ivan, I'm less likely to be afraid because I know him and I know you do too."

   "I don't know how to fix it," I tell her.

   "Call him up and tell him you weren't upset, that you just freaked out. Then based on how he responds, maybe you can invite him to prom and then you tell him."

    "Isn't prom too sudden?" 

   "Do you have a less sudden option?" She snaps her fingers, chuckling. It makes me smile.

   "Okay, I'll call him."

    "Good." She looks at me like I'm supposed to call now. "He's probably still driving," I say. 

   She still doesn't leave. I move my face into her visual field. "Anything else?"

   "Dr. Hart called." 

   My forehead wrinkles. "Really, why?"

   "Dr. Ekene was worried about you, and how we left, so he forwarded your results to her."

   "She confirmed his diagnosis?"

   "She wants you to try—"

   "Mom— "

   "The drugs are to help with your symptoms, that's all. The pain? The anaemia? Look at your eyes, you can't suffer indefinitely. Just try it," her voice sounds strangled. "Please."

   "Just palliative?"

   "Yes."

   "No hospital?"

   "Not if you don't want to."

   "I don't want any more procedures."

   "Fine," she exhales. "Please, call Ivan, he doesn't deserve to feel that way. He's a good boy, and breaking relationships shouldn't be on your list." 

   My bucket list? 

   I glance over to the wall, the violet sheet looks haunting. 

   "Have you told Chinny about the sleepover?" She breaks me out of my thoughts. 

   "Skipped my head. I'll call her." I say.

   "Don't forget, I need to know because Tee will be here by ten." She leaves, and I shut the door. 

   I set reminders to call Chinny and I hit the bed. If I could rewind today, I would have told him.