"Why did the cold despair in his eyes
tear at her heart and make her
want to give him hope?"

Alyssia

Keilah seemed determined to fill any silence with endless prattle, mostly about the Prince, sometimes about the Hattavah and always about herself.

Alyssia stabbed herself with a needle out of frustration as once again Keilah changed her mind about what gown to wear for the upcoming ball with the Prince. Now she'd have another gown to press and make ready. Alyssia let a small sigh escape her. 

Keilah turned away from the three dresses spread out on her bed and sniffed. "This effects you too."

"How so?" Alyssia tried to sound interested, but kept her head bent to the small tear she was mending in Keilah's favorite linen shift.

"Because if by some chance I become his bride, you will be coming to the palace with me."

The idea jolted her. Leaving here. Going there. Not that she particularly loved the House of Lavilyn, but she was making friends among the other slaves. She welcomed the idea of leaving the soldiers though, especially Jalen. "You're right, my lady. I hadn't thought of that." 

Which resulted in another monologue on what life with the Prince would be like.

Alyssia managed suitably spaced murmurs of interest even as her stomach churned. Was her life really just to consist of Keilah's dreams and plans? Could she have none of her own? Her fingers quivered as she finished sewing and folded the garment. Her family was gone, her friends, her farm and her village. The only thing she had brought with her was her faith, but walking away from Captain Tannaach had killed it somehow. Yet she couldn't end up like Keilah, obsessed with a man she hardly knew. She longed to do something real, something risky even. The idea of the danger decided her. "My Lady, I have a favor to ask you. Can I hold a meeting here in your chambers?"

Keilah left the mirror and sprawled on the rug beside her. "A meeting? Who with?"

Alyssia suppressed a smile at even as the realization dawned on her: Keilah was bored with the waiting too. "I'll invite the Hattavah."

"Dakkoul?" Keilah straightened and her eyes seemed to grow larger, the colors more intense. "You think he might come?"

"I'll persuade him. It will just be a small gathering - Malek and Pipsqueak, the kitchen boy, and you of course.

Keilah frowned. "A meeting for what, exactly?"

Alyssia flattened and folded the mended shift as she spoke. "I'm of the faith you call Jagur's, my Lady. It is usual for those of us who follow Jagur's God to meet together, to pray, sing and discuss the teachings."

"I follow the Fox," Keilah said sharply.

"Yes, my lady."

Keilah rubbed her finger across her lips. "At this meeting would you pray for Jagur? Ask his God to keep him safe?"

"Of course."

"My village used to hold such meetings," Keilah mused, twirling a lock of her white hair that had escaped from the elaborate hairdo Alyssia had tried to create. "I even used to go with Jagur. Now of course I am now fully Wayvolkan and one with the Fox, but I don't see why I can't do this as a kind of leave-taking. But only if the Hattavah comes. I want to see him again. I was not myself with the Prince and I want to explain."

"He'll come," Alyssia promised and for a moment her golden eyes danced.

At second meal, Alyssia went over to the Hattavah's table, a steaming bowl of lek-duck soup in one hand, a large piece of bread in the other. His expression darkened at her approach. She sat down anyway. "Don't tell me to leave, Hattavah. I won't."

"You should Alyssia." He held up his hand, so that the sleeve of his tunic slipped downwards revealing the strap around his wrist. "You sitting here will end in only one way - with you getting punished for it, one way or another. They'll all think you're an informer."

Alyssia shrugged and dipped her spoon into her soup, grimacing at the pungent smell. "You held my hand when I got my tattoo."

"I told Keilah not to buy you," Dakkoul countered. "I thought you'd cause trouble."

"I was quite a good girl in my village. I blame the tattoos. They've changed me into a different person." Her tone was light but the corners of her lips sunk. "The truth is Hattavah you were right about me. I'm not coping."

"I can't do anything about that now."

"I need support."

He reached for her hand and squeezed it.

"Not that kind of support," Alyssia said, but she left her hand there anyway, drawing comfort from the warmth of his skin against hers. "I want to hold meetings, secret meetings where we can worship Jagur's God as Lady Keilah calls him."

"Here?" he asked, removing his hand. "No. You can't."

She took a sip from her soup, made herself swallow it and gave a little tinkling laugh. "You're invited, of course."

The shadow of a smile appeared on his face but he shook his head and it disappeared. "Even you must know better than that."

Alyssia pushed the soup bowl away from her and leaned towards him. "You have to come. Lady Keilah said if you don't, I can't hold it."

The Hattavah leaned back into his chair. "She wants to see me? I thought she was enthralled with the Prince."

Alyssia sighed. "She regrets how she behaved with him. Come to this meeting for her sake, if not mine. If we are discovered, you can say you were spying on us. I'll take the blame."

He crossed his arms and shook his head more forcefully this time.

"Fine then. I won't invite the Hattavah, I'll invite Dakkoul." She threw the last word at him as a challenge.

Her tone challenged him. He felt the heat rise in his veins. Keilah and her too-loud voice."Why is it so important that I come? Calling me Dakkoul does not change what I am now."

She fiddled with her tunic before replying. "I think you matter to God."

He gave a derisive laugh. "In the same way I matter to the Prince - as an infected spear in his side that needs to be broken and burned. Your God doesn't want me at a meeting, he wants me dead."

It was true that the things she'd heard he done were far worse than anything that had happened at her village. The tales were so terrible she had to believe they were exaggerated. But even if they were only partly true, a world without him would be a better place. So why did she feel so strongly that God did care about him? Why did the cold despair in his eyes tear at her heart and make her want to give him hope?

"Everyone has done things they shouldn't, things that hurt others. I let you kill Captain Tanaach."

He snorted. "All you did was walk away."

"I betrayed everything I believe by doing that," she said, heat staining her cheeks, her lips quivering.

He tried one last time. "Alyssia value your life enough to listen to me. Holding a gathering will be dangerous. Everyone who attends will be risking their life."

Anger flooded her face and flashed into her eyes. "I've lost everything, my family, my village, my freedom, even my necklace. The only thing I can possibly recover is my faith. I need this. I don't care about the danger. I'll hold this with or with you or even my lady's permission."

The Hattavah sighed. His eyes that had been constantly roving the crowds behind her fixed on someone. "Jalen believes as you do. Invite him."

She looked away. "I don't want him anywhere near me." Why did he have to bring up Jalen?  She dipped her spoon into the lek-duck soup determined to finish it however foul it tasted.

The corners of the Hattavah's lips rose. "Invite him and I'll come." It was a challenge. A way to make her back down. Even the lek-duck soup tasted nicer than the bile that filled her mouth at the thought. Her shoulders slumped. He'd won. She couldn't have her meeting with Keilah and the Hattavah. She'd have to just grab Pipsqueak in a corner sometime and hastily pray. It wouldn't be enough to fix what was wrong with her.

"I'll excuse myself," the Hattavah said with a smirk. A throat cleared behind her.

Jalen. She dropped her spoon and stood up.

"Don't go. Please". There was a gentle desperation to his voice that made her pause. She sat down and examined the rough boards of the table before her.

"I want to apologize. I know it doesn't bring them back, it doesn't change things, but I was wrong to stay with the army. I'd never know what I'd be ordered out to do. I'd just go along and then I'd be in the thick of it before I knew where I was. I told myself I could make things a little better by rounding up the people, doing my bit to protect them. But really I was just standing aside and letting it happen."

Her jaw worked as her anger rose. "You're as bad as them, worse because you know better, because you claim to follow the same God as I do."

"I agree," he said in a heavy tone. "That's why I asked to the Hattavah to get me out of the army. I'll run away rather than be complicit again." 

"I've listened to you. You've apologized. You feel sorry. You'll change." She spat on the table, leaving a white frothy blob.

"Can you forgive me Alyssia?" he pleaded.

She got up. "I know I'm supposed to," she said. Mostly she just wanted to scream at him and hit him, but a small quiet voice said to do otherwise. She squelched the voice, rejected the violence and made the necessary concession.

"I am holding a gathering for our God in Lady Keilah's chambers. You can come if you like, but you are not to sit near me."

"That's too dangerous," he cautioned. "I've survived here because I've kept my faith private-like."

She sneered at him, "You're a coward, that's what you are. Turning the other way when something is wrong, hiding your faith because you fear punishment. You can't follow our God and be like that. You betray him with all you do." 

Alyssia left before she threw something at his purpling face. She'd beaten the Hattavah at his own game but it had cost her far more than she'd wanted to pay.