I missed my cousin.

Despite the challenges of his childhood, Rafal was always laid back and jovial. I never found him without a ready smile, and he was quick with a jest or a playful jibe. His home was a refuge for me, as my two older brothers, Roman and Reginald, delighted in tormenting me as older brothers tended to do.

After Rafal's mother died, he was not even a shadow of himself.

I was fortunate, in that he didn't completely reject my frequent attempts to contact and draw him out of his grief.

I was trapped between university, during finals, and my second military year as a Ranger, for fucks' sake, so I couldn't stay with Rafal longer than the day and night of Aunt Dru's memorial. I mean, Rafal talked to me when I linked him, but I couldn't visit until the end of the term. Even then I had to track him down on his boat before he finally accepted my invitation to go out.

Once I saw how much he was drinking and how little he was eating, I rethought the tavern and took him to a pub instead. It wasn't like Rafal to numb himself in liquor. Losing Aunt Dru hit him hard and deep, and I was thoroughly terrified of losing him altogether if I couldn't get him off that damn boat.

His almond-toned skin was sallow, and those sparkling blue-gray eyes sat dull and hooded with dark circles underneath that made him look even more hollow.

He was hardly eating, and barely sleeping. Even though I knew he didn't like being away from the sea for long periods, I desperately wanted him to come to Karami to take part in the Trials. His grandfather's legacy rested easily on Rafal's broad shoulders. I couldn't fathom why Aunt Dru never pursued her indisputable Claim to the Virtuous Throne, but I refused to allow my asshole cousin Robin a clear path to ruling over Ankher.

Not on my watch.

I kept a close eye on Rafal at the pub and I was relieved when he only sipped his wine and ate at least half the food on his plate. We strolled back to the small dock and spent the evening on the deck, drinking. Thankfully, Rafal put away only one half-full snifter of his favored cognac before we retired for the evening.

Rafal roused me before dawn to assist him in readying the boat for a day of fishing. I grumbled and groused just to see the ghost of humor putting a spark in his eyes.

"Did you sleep at all?" I groaned, yawning hugely once we were underway.

"Some."

I narrowed my eyes at him, standing tall at the wheel with a suddenly somber look to him.

I worked harder than ever to keep him engaged and talking to me. Whenever he fell silent, I would immediately drag him out of his thoughts into anything and everything I could think of.

I had him debating the possibility of training narwhals and seals to fetch before we put away our nets and poles at dusk. I followed Rafal into the galley where he was already preparing a fresh spread from our catch and some of the supplies he kept aboard. Instead of liquor, he drank spiced cider with our supper that night. I smiled when he settled with the frothing mug, and he gave me a nod in return.

I stayed with him for the rest of the week. I cursed the courses that took me away from him so soon. Being the dedicated academic he was, Rafal would never accept me putting my studies on hold for his sake. He would instruct me himself if I did.

While I worshipped the length and breadth of him, I did not want Rafal as a teacher. He was far too exacting and knew me too well to allow me to skim along with minimal effort.

As I packed, I wrangled Rafal's promise to eat full meals. My heart warmed when he laughed, not loud and hard, as he once did, but enough to give me hope that my quirky cousin would weather his grief and come back to me.

He docked at one of the smaller ports in Cheslyn Bay. We walked together to the dockmaster, where Rafal picked up the mail, and packages, and placed an order for supplies. While I booked passage back to school he went through the post.

When the dockmaster left to fetch my tickets, Rafal opened one letter eagerly with a mysterious smile lifting his lips. I watched him quickly skim the letter until he gasped and laughed softly.

Bemused, I leaned over to peer at the letter. I laughed when Rafal snatched the delicate pages close to his heart. He wasn't quick enough to keep me from getting a whiff of the earthy perfume of the stationery.

I'll be damned. My cousin had a paramour.

The sly dog.

I was so very proud.

"The lady sends good news?" I teased.

Rafal grinned sheepishly and my soul danced to see mischief bringing light into his eyes and color to his cheeks.

He cleared his throat a few times before speaking. "Yes, I mean, I believe so. We've been writing for a while and... She wants to meet."

I whistled lewdly and Rafal laughed, peeking down at his lady's letter again. "I'm not quite sure what to do," he murmured, seeming a bit dumbfounded.

"Do you not want to meet her?"

Rafal's eyes bugged. "No! I mean yes. Yes, of course. I do. I just." He heaved a sigh. "Look at me, Rams."

I stepped back to do just that. "What am I looking for, now?"

He frowned at me and folded the letter into a pocket. "It's not as if I'm a dashing rogue that makes maidens swoon," he muttered.

Stunned, I stared at him until he shifted nervously.

"You're joking," I accused.

"About what?"

"Fala," I shook my head at him. "If we weren't close cousins, and I didn't love you like a brother, I'd be swooning for you. You're gorgeous."

Rafal froze and gaped at me. Did he really not know just how beautiful he was? That drape of auburn hair down his back paired with the striking signature blue-gray-green eyes plus the shadow of a beard had me crushing on him when I was younger. I grew out of that boyhood infatuation, and put aside my fantasies, but I never lost my admiration for his lean and rangy build.

"Truly, Rafal," I assured him. "You are utterly fuckable. I don't know how you managed to avoid being smothered in snatch and cock for so long."

He blinked at me and shook his head hard. "I'm not completely virginal," he grunted.

"Well good," I smiled. I was curious as hell because Rafal never discussed any such activities with me, and we talked about everything.

Well, almost everything. I had no clue about his lady love by letter, after all. And I kept my fantasies about him to myself. I didn't want to make things awkward between us. If it meant foregoing my most secret desires in favor of keeping things comfortable between us, I could ignore my urges.

He meant too much to me to lose him, no matter how much I wanted more with him. I mean, we were cousins. Such things were frowned upon. If I was a better man, I'd be ashamed of my yearning for intimacy with him.

I wasn't though. Never would be.

"Anyway," I went on, "you should meet your lady if only to prove my point. It's not like she wants to meet up so you can lecture her, after all."

Rafal frowned and blinked at me again. "Well." He cleared his throat. "No, I wouldn't reckon so."

"So, meet her," I urged him, turning to collect my tickets from the dockmaster. "Did she say when and where?"

"She'll be in Ankher City for her studies." Rafal pulled the letter from his pocket and absently folded and refolded it. "I mentioned I would be there to look into family holdings next quarter."

"Perfect!" I cried. "You'll be just in time to declare for the Trials, too. Say you will, please?" I begged shamelessly. "I can't be stuck with all our cousins without you, I'll kill someone before sundown."

Rafal relaxed and nodded. "I'm thinking about it."

"Think less, do more," I ordered, chilled by the prospect of dealing with my brothers and our herd of cousins and distant relations without him.

No crueler fate could be visited upon me. I'd rather eat broken glass with a rusted single-tined blunted fork.

"You will be the first to know when the time comes, Rams," he promised.

I had to accept that, and we embraced at the ramp to the Cheslyn Ferry that would take me on the first leg of my journey.