Once again I ponder the use of these carriages.

While shielded from the wind and rain, my body is stiff and the fully occupied carriage makes it warm and uncomfortable. My head feels fuzzy from being unable to move, and my head keeps filling with thoughts...

Magdalin's secret. Princess Emilia's existence. Lionel's silence. Kenta's death. My own actions, purpose and desires... that King Landon. Landon the former seductress.

I know... I know that I am sinning. I know that I brim with regret. My mind keeps going back to the battle in the throne room and goes over everything I could have changed.

Just like I did back then.

While the hell of regret devours me inside out everything else seems so hazy.

I tug at the laced collar of the dress and breathe out. I want to walk on my own. After practically living as my old self for months, getting back into the dress and role of a courtier is suffocating.

I glance to little Princess Emilia who is gently beginning to subconsciously rock back and forth while repeating lessons and speeches from the ghosts tutoring her and guiding her through everything.

It would not be wrong to say that she's like Alstair was as a kid, but with a full council to advice her.

At least I assume so by counting the different names she has been muttering under her breath.

"Princess Emilia, you should take a break," I word out calmly while looking over her small fragile figure.

In return she looks up at me with matte, blood shot eyes and then shakes her head vigorously... enough to clearly make her head spin as she quickly grips her head afterwards.

"If I'm not ready everything will fail and many people will die... I must learn."

While admirable, and clearly a good girl, this will eventually backfire if she keeps it up.

"You've not gotten rest, exercise or food enough to keep up with the amount of focus demanded of you, Princess. You should not neglect your health," I argue while feeling a drop of sweat crawling down my neck from my overheating scalp. I'm sitting knee to knee with Emilia's maid, and thigh to thigh with Magdalin, and over time on windless days as this, the carriage just gets too warm. That Emilia has been able to study so diligently for so long is more than enough at this point. A ruler isn't made in a day.

Emilia looks down at the bundle of books at her feet between her and Magdalin, and frowns a bit with a downcast gaze.

"Okay... Lady Lily."

Emilia gives in and then goes quiet for the first time since morning. She was even muttering during breakfast between her bits and pieces of food.

I watch Emilia lean against her maid's shoulder, and then she is out like a candle under water. I don't think we could wake her up for a while.

With Emilia asleep I push the curtain to the carriage open to feel just hints of the cool air outside. The sharp evening sun peeks through the curtain on the other side, but if I open up this one Emilia should be able to sleep just fine while the rest of us get to breathe.

Unexpectedly, Emilia was embarrassed about talking with the ghosts in front of others, so she'd asked us to close the curtains. Either that, or she was worried about seeming cursed to the soldiers still trying to get used to the thought that magic blessed by faeries of darkness wasn't evil.

At least for now we'd have fresh air.

I gaze over the knights riding next to the carriage, and the ones from House Tepet a bit further around us. Once we reach Castle Tepet, Lionel will probably bring more reinforcements along for the peace negotiations, but...

I am worried. Guilt is clinging to his figure, like tainted blood to armor... he is far too quiet and withdrawn and his gaze is lowered in thought. It's behavior I most often find with those who have killed for the first time, or those... those who, by their own hands aren't long for this world.

I try to shake off the grim feeling inside. Seppuku is not a part of the culture here. Yet, I wish to do something, though I don't know what. I am not in a position to talk with Lionel as a fellow soldier, and getting him in a one on one conversation as we did after the meeting with Catarina is currently practically impossible.

Of course, that is if I should even pry him about his feelings in the first place.

I... probably shouldn't.

"Lily-sama?"

Magdalin chirps up next to me. I'm thankful Emilia accepted that I wanted Magdalin brought along for the journey. Her family has been suspicious, and at least this way I can protect her myself.

"Yes?"

Her hair is for once done up in a crown like braid, leaving her neck bare and exposed since she doesn't have any jewelry to cover it. For once she's not hiding the cyan strand of hair either.

"Your eyes are drawn to Lionel-sama whenever you look outside," Magdalin says quietly as she searches my eyes.

"...I am worried since he seems unwell," I reply and then glance back at Lionel for a moment. Have I been staring? I pull my gaze from him and instead look down to my lap quietly until I remember about Magdalin's suspicious acting before we left.

"Among others," I add while gently narrowing my eyes at her. In turn she glances to the side, confirming her guilt.

"A-ah, I thought you were looking at Lionel-sama since the two of you have clearly been getting close," pops out of Magdalin as she quickly holds her hands up. Again, unable to hide that she's hiding something from me.

I narrow my eyes at her further.

"Certainly, one worries more for those one has fought together with," I respond. I don't intend on letting her free that easily though, even if I can't ask her directly anymore. She already denied me thrice.

Magdalin goes quiet at my words and then gives me this dumb struck stare for the longest moment, before letting out a sigh as though the burdens of the kingdom were upon her small shoulders.

Ah... She meant it like that...

She gives me a quiet stare with those silvery eyes, but already now I feel my body tense up... filled with unrest.

"If you were to choose a spouse right now, who would you choose, Lily-sama?"

With my feelings and the future being as it is now, would it be right to make a choice?

A bitter feeling rushes over me at the thought, and I break eye contact with her. Dropping my gaze to my clenching hands.

It should.

Without a doubt, right now it is everything the people close to me wish for... but, when I see the seductress once more, will I be able to walk away?

If faced with the person that killed them and their closest, would anyone be able to just walk away? Even if it was... even if it was a game.

The thoughts and feelings that had lingered in the background ever since the meeting back in Castle Celeste burst back up like infected wounds.

I glance back to Lionel and see his guilt ridden figure perk up as he senses my stare.

Even if I manage to restrain myself, will he?

This world. This kingdom and the people in it were in part created by Catarina, and if not for Catarina, then the alliance would not have happened, nor the demand that caused Alstair to go too far.

Furthermore, Catarina had a hand in Lionel's past. A past he despises and still tries to keep hidden. Will he swallow all of that?

I rip my gaze from Lionel's figure and stare down at my lap again.

"Let's not delve in such thoughts now. Perhaps after the peace treaty has been signed," I finally reply to brush Magdalin's question off.

I straighten up but, even from the corner of my eye I can see Magdalin give me a worried look.

"Lily."

I twitch as Lionel speaks my name from the other side of the small window, and give him a polite smile to cover up the twisting discomfort.

Lionel frowns.

"When we camp for the night, can we talk?"

I note the knights around us staring quietly at us as he says that with such a serious expression it makes me wonder if he noticed my feeling when I looked at him.

"Of course," I reply hesitantly, unsure how to react.

Lionel nods and then pulls back, pulling the horse away from the carriage again. I glance to the maid in front of me, but she simply looks down at her lap obediently as though she hadn't heard a thing.

—-*—-

It didn't take long to get to the point where we would set up for the night. It was right outside one of the villages near Castle Tepet, and the figure of the castle could even be seen in the distance as its enormous, solid frame casts a shadow over the tundra behind it. Castle Celeste seems so small in comparison.

I stare at it from the distance and play with the lacing of the dress by my wrists.

When we arrive there Lionel will tell his family of Normand's death. Scouts were sent ahead of time, so they already know. They just wait to hear it from Lionel.

That said, it seems as though House Tepet has accepted the situation. According to Emilia they aren't resisting the change. Most of the army already had a feeling something like this would happen when Lionel headed to the capital. The few fully loyal to Normand are under house arrest... for now.

Once this is over, Lionel will be busy trying to untangle the loyalties of the Tepet army. In the very worst case Lionel may yield his title as Lord Tepet to Reynold to avoid most of the friction.

Even so, personally I don't know how Lionel's family will react. I am still an outsider. Normand was a warm hearted father, that would usually go above and beyond for his sons. Especially when it came to raising them. Yet... when it mattered the most Normand didn't believe them.

Whether it be Lionel, his brothers or Lady Tepet, determining their feelings for losing Normand may be complicated. Still, I don't think Lionel fully hated his father.

"Lily..."

A somewhat hoarse voice calls me hesitantly. Those emerald eyes that don't fully meet mine seem troubled, and he stands just that little bit further away from me than when we usually talk.

"I would prefer if we could talk a bit more privately," he says quietly while casting a glance to Magdalin, who acts as my handmaiden.

"It should be fine if we step a bit away from the camp where they can still see us," I say to Magdalin as though she was the one who was worried. It's odd to deal with this again. It wasn't really a problem at the academy, and it wasn't a problem as Augustus... but the many eyes lingering upon us right now makes a need for it.

Lionel gives an uncomfortable look, but doesn't say anything as we head away from the camp. Just far enough to give us some sense of privacy. Of course, Magdalin and any wind mage could interfere and spy on our discussion...

I straighten up in the cream colored lace dress, and stare up at Lionel's restless and tense figure. He is still unwilling to look me in the eyes.

"What did you want to talk about?"

I fold my hands in front of me neatly, and watch the shadows of the violet sunset on his pained expression.

The wind rustles as a softly spoken question slips from his lips like a secret.

"Did I do the right thing?"

I clasp my own hand tightly, as I watch those eyes finally meet mine. They still shimmer with guilt... and I realize, that by a word of mine I could push him too far.

"It is not my place to tell your heart whether you were right or wrong, and my ideals are different from what is expected here as well," I try to respond carefully.

Truthfully, only his heart can tell him the truth. No matter what I say, this truth cannot be changed.

"I know. Even so, I want to hear it. Don't hold back," he replies tensely, and seems to brace himself for impact... as though I am about to verbally execute him.

I look down to the long golden grasses at our feet bathed in the violet and golden sunlight.

"...did you do it out of desire for the throne?"

"No."

A prompt response. I knew the answer already, but hopefully this will be a good point to start from for the rest of the discussion.

"Did you do it out of desire for Claire?"

"No."

A bit of bitterness lingers in his voice as he answers, but he doesn't hesitate. I hesitate a bit as I debate whether to say the next bit as a question or a conclusion. If I say it wrong the conversation could take a wrong turn.

"...and had it been out of desire for me, then all you needed to do was ask Alstair for my hand. His heart was already set on Claire. Had it been for me, you would have had many opportunities to act on it without making a choice on the fate of Alstair and his father."

I... say this with pretended confidence and finally look back up.

I know my reasoning may be flawed, but I do not believe that Lionel made the choice to stand against Alstair because of me.

Lionel's gaze meets mine, a hint of conflict in his eyes as he gently shakes his head.

"...I had to choose between you or Alstair. You would never have let him live."

A bitter taste fills my mouth, but I also feel heat rise to the surface of my skin.

A choice between duty and... my gaze drops back down. So he's wondering whether he chose me over his duty?

"...I-..."

My gaze begins to flicker. What do I answer to something like that?

No, forget about the implications of his words or hidden meanings, think about the matter at hand. Lionel has always been fiercely protective of the things he holds dear, but... but Alstair was important to him as well.

He wouldn't have thrown away the life of someone close to him like that had it just been for me.

I take a last breath to collect myself, and gather myself enough to look Lionel in the eyes again.

"No. You could have tried to convince me otherwise, as you have done both over my betrothal to Alstair, but also with how you made me deal with my pain. Had it just been for me, then you would not have gone as far as to sacrifice your duty and your friend. To say so, makes you far too ignorant of yourself, Lionel."

I pause to gather my mind and watch his reaction somewhat nervously, still thrown off by his words emotionally.

"...I see."

He accepts it, albeit somewhat hesitantly.

There. That should ease his mind a bit. Although mine isn't eased even a little.

"You had no desire for the throne, their riches or possessions either. You were not stuck in the past, nor killed him out of fear for your life."

I brush over the other subjects vaguely. Rushing the topic a bit to finish the conversation.

"Whether your actions will be seen as right or wrong from the perspective of history, depends on Emilia, and how the future turns out. It is not something that can be determined so simply right now. If you wish to ensure that your actions were not a mistake, then prove it from this day forward. Prove that it is a far better path, than one built on poison, dishonor and lies."

I summon a pretense of conviction once more, and watch as the traces of guilt in his expression seem to lift.

I gently bite the inside of my lip, and hold in any further words.

This should be enough.

He should be able to determine the path he wishes to take from here on without any further words from me.

I snap a short breath and look up at him... but from the way he said it- No. Stop. As I myself said, it was more than a matter between love and duty.

I feel the blood rush to my head again.

I feel my stomach knot together with frustration, and look back down at the grass again, while my mind starts splitting apart. He should simply have meant as a close ally, and as an asset to the country... even though it's so unlikely with that weakened look of conflict he had when I had talked about him desiring me.

"We should go back, Lily."

Lionel's voice seems loud as he speaks, but I know it's merely my mind playing tricks with me.

"Yes..."

I look up, only to find his hand waiting for mine, as though he intends to escort me back. It's not new. It's not weird... but the timing is impeccable. Just when I am feeling self-conscious.

Three breaths. I have three breaths to calm down.

I put my hand in his far too hesitantly, hoping that I still look composed on the outside, as the warmth from his hand envelops mine.