I cannot endure this any longer...

My ears, my head, my pride and my honor hurts. The shocks and public humiliation is unbearable, and even then the voices of the wind gods howl in anger.

How much longer can I keep up this mask before I crumble?

I leave the great hall with hurried steps, heading towards an empty room. Any empty room. Any place where I can be alone would be enough.

I want to take a horse and ride away on my own in this moment, but I cannot be so ignorant to my own position.

In the end, all I can do is shut myself in one of the guest rooms of the castle and lock the door shut while my head echos with the wailing voices of the wind

"Foul wolf! Sneaky maid! Sneaky dangerous!"

"Rude!"

"Insolent!"

"Audacious faeries!"

Though I can no longer see them their voices still ring I my head. They are gods that does not know the difference between thoughts and speech, but even so this is the first time I've experienced them be so angry at anything but corrupted magic.

I've said this before, but the gods here are more powerful than they were in my former world... and they carry a grudge towards faeries that may be as strong as the one towards corruption.

"Foolish faeries!"

Another screech goes through my mind as I sink down against the now locked door and cover my ears and hold my head.

"Again! It does it again! It intends to harm!"

They slip between the cracks of the door and leave... leaving me alone in the cold and quiet room while my head and heart feels as though they begin to split.

I must restrain my treacherous voice from slipping out. As much as I want to scream and roar out the feelings in my chest, I know that someone will hear. I squeeze my eyes shut and curl together up against the door as a small pathetic bundle of a person.

It's too much.

As much as I have a feeling that the crown is far less honest and good than they seem, as little proof there is there of that statement.

I hate this country. It's filthy, greedy and dishonest. It is a viper's nest where only the sly survive. The parties have the poison flow freely, and even kids being poisoned is just another small event.

If it was just House Salender then I could deal with it. I could swallow my pride and accept their existence of nothing else... but it's not.

It's dishonorable.

Yet, I cannot betray it. Honor demands my loyalty regardless of my hate... as long as the crown keeps their hands off of my family.

I want things to change as well!

Yet I mustn't give into the temptation of taking that which belongs to my Lord for myself.

I must not allow any dishonor to fall upon my family.

I must fulfill my duty. I must fight for this kingdom no matter how much I hate the capital and its nobles. I must give my life for it.

No matter how much I wish... no matter how much I wish to see the seductress pay for her crimes.

For they are crimes!

"Even though it was a game?" A wind god whispers.

"Then what of the armies of chess?"

I dig my nails into my scalp, but the voice can't be blocked.

I don't want to hear it!

All of that suffering mustn't be a game! Even if it was just a game to that person, how am I not to punish the person that got me killed?! How am I to accept how that person tormented my fiancé and childhood friend?!

How am I to accept that their deaths were merely entertainment?!

I held them and I felt the warmth of their blood on my hands. I saw them give away their lives by my words! Run in with trust that the choice we made was the right one. That their sacrifice would be worth it in the end...

I don't want to accept that it can be anything else!

It cannot be for something as pointless as entertainment!

It cannot be made just to be sullied by someone that doesn't truly care!

"Rei-Chui!"

Haruki?

"Chui!"

I open my eyes, but everything is wrong. The cold blue stone is a deep red and black castle wall.

Aiko lays at my feet, her eyes still wet with tears of conquered fear.

The smell of death is thick.

I don't want to be here.

Not again.

A strong hand grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet. His arm dangles loosely from his shoulder.

Screams echo all around us among the roar of flames and a few whistles of arrows.

It plays all over again... my nightmare... But today it ends differently.

It ends with their funerals and their families when I return their weapons and armors.

And with my own death at Kenta's hands.

—-*—-

It's over...

I'm back in the cold stone room.

The underside of my fingernails have stains of red and strands of my blue hair is woven messily between my fingers, sticking to the sweat.

Yet, both my hands are clutching the pendant Lionel gave me. I must have been busier clinging to the pendant than ripping myself apart...

I... don't know if I've been quiet, but no one is knocking or calling for me either. Not even the wind gods.

It's quiet.

Yet, I stare at the pendant with such a bitter feeling in my chest it makes me want to rip it out.

I have dishonored myself.

I've lied.

Love?

It is nothing like such an intense flaring emotion.

Yet, had I said anything else or denied it, Claire would have kept chasing me like a sobbing toddler wanting their first wooden sword.

I don't believe what Claire feels is truly love. It's merely a childish naive adoration where she ignores everything she doesn't wish to see. If nothing else, may my small lie let her grow...

As for... Lionel. I cannot allow myself to stay ignorant to my own emotions either.

It may not be love, but it is more than friendship. I've let Lionel in further than I ever did with Kenta... my former fiancé.

A flag of conquest... is what Eric called it in his thoughts. A symbol of affection of which I was ignorant. That once where Lionel kissed my hand while staring into my eyes I had brushed it off as nothing but a response to my inappropriate request earlier.

Perhaps I shouldn't have.

Had the situation been different or had Eric and mother not pointed out... the possible meaning of the clothes then these small feelings would have blossomed to love eventually... but it is a flower that will not blossom.

We will both likely die during this war, and both of us have our duties and loyalties to the crown. Even if our eyes should one day meet with hidden passion it is not something we can act on either.

The feeling of love I never felt in my previous life is a love that I will once again pass away without exploring.

What could have been will never be.

...

In the end love is but a foolish emotion that interferes with your sense of duty to your lord. Useless.

So... why must abandoning it feel so bitter?

—-*—-

When I finally gathered myself enough to leave the room Asher was waiting quietly by the door as had he been there the entire time. For once he looked me in the eyes and just got ready to leave without a word.

I headed back to the mansion to say goodbye one last time. After this I would never return to their sides again.

Ameline was waiting for me at the mansion door with a vague smile.

"The Lord and Lady are waiting in the sunroom."

She bows, but as though she senses my mood she doesn't speak. Just guides me there.

Once I enter they are all there. Mother, Father, Eric, Iris and Curtis.

It's time for the last goodbye.

There is a somber mood in the room as they stand up and step up around me. Unexpectedly my reserved father was the first to speak while Iris' eyes began to water once more.

"Will you return?"

He looks me in the eyes and speaks with a strong voice. Yet... something flickers in his eyes that I haven't seen before.

"No. I will die for Ristaze and for the honor of our family," I reply with a calm voice. I am not afraid of dying and have accepted that it will be my time... but I will admit, at least to myself, that there are things I regret I never got to do, or never did enough.

Father's expression... changes. His face falls and his brows furrow... in a display of vulnerability I've never seen from the man. In a moment he sweeps me into his arms in a tight squeeze.

It's tight. It's almost suffocating. What by the gods is the reason for this sudden and forced intimacy?! Barbarians! Let go! My grace towards Magdalin and Iris doesn't extend to others!

"So it's finally time," he whispers against my ear and silences my internal protests.

"Do what must be done, Lily," Father speaks his final words and then lets his heavy hand brush over my head as you would a toddler.

He pulls back, puts his hand on my shoulder just for a moment and then just... walks away into an adjacent room...

Leaving us like that... leaving me with no clue as to what in the world he meant by any of that or why I had to be... hugged.

Eric is just looking to the door where father left with hints of pity and yet, a small smile.

"You never made a good lady, Lily. Ever since that day at the dinner table."

Mother's voice draws me to her, but unlike Father's they aren't filled with weakness but with... anger?

She grabs my wrist considerably roughly for how weak she is and ties a handwoven ribbon around it, still giving me a stiff lipped glare as she does.

"But if nothing else you make a good warrior. You made it through worse as a child so you'll return in an as unladylike manner as you always do."

Adela's words are harsh, but I feel like I've heard them once already.

Apples don't fall far from the stem?

"By the gods, what do you think I am?" I nearly let out a sigh with these words, but Adela's words are on point as always:

"Someone truly blessed by the gods for war. If you'd been more crude I would have called you a demon child, but it wouldn't do justice to your manners or obsession with honor."

I don't really know what to reply to that, leaving me somewhat... barely grateful for Iris' tearful interruption as she holds her hands out and up at me like a tiny toddler wanting to be carried or held.

I've already gone through it once, might as well... once more. I lean down and pull her into a hug again this one last time. Magdalin had implored me to hug Iris when we returned to Castle Celeste. Apparently she felt guilty about having hugged me when Iris doesn't get to.

That said, Iris is really crying her heart out on my shoulder. Ah mo~ Iris. It's a pity I likely won't see her grow up. I'd like to see her become a fully fledged woman one day. I wonder if she'd still be head over heels for Curtis, or if she'd outgrown her little crush.

"L-Lily", she sobs out while trying to pull back.

"Please teach me your magic?" There's no hope in her voice. She knows I will refuse as I've done so many times before... I've told her before that teaching her would take many years, so she's indirectly begging me to stay...

I'm sure she'll grow up to be a dangerous courtier one day.

Curtis gives me a vague smile, but the kid is putting on a brave face while still adoring Iris' reaction.

I hug Iris close again and then make one last whisper in her ear.

"It's too dangerous, Iris. Unless you yourself can gain the attention of the gods I cannot put you in that sort of danger... but if you want to take the path on your own then speak with the gods of wind. Unlike Lumere you need not see them to converse."

I leave a final hint for her and then brush her hair back. Her sweet eyes are opened wide in surprise, but... it only makes her cry harder.

I gently take her hand and lead her back to Curtis.

"I'll leave her to you, Curtis."

He gives a determined nod and slams his hand to the right side of his chest in salute... and promise that his actions will not be guided by emotion, but by duty.

"I'm leaving my brother to you, Lily-sama."

An exchange.

Eric gives a faint smile before his lips curl into a frown.

"I'll join you in the capital. I'd like to talk strategy and politics one last time before everything starts, and swearing loyalty works better if we stand as a united front."

I'm not comfortable with Eric leaving Castle Celeste, but they still have Father and the guard captain. Things should be acceptable.

"Very well. We will be heading out once I've chosen the people to join me in the capital."

Iris takes my hand in hers and looks up at me with eyes and hair glittering as the night sky.

"Be safe... and be good friends with Lionel-sama, okay? And watch out for Lumere-sama too. I don't want him to get hurt either."

She pleads this of me softly and sweetly. I really wish I'd spent a bit more time with her...