"Dreams should be chased,
And thoughts should be chased away."

♤

Her throat never let any noise from the past few hours. It pained her to even think of speaking and how could she ever speak knowing she don't have to anyone to talk, to reply, to make someone laugh inbetween their cries. Thick warm tears sliding onto her face as she thought about everything. There was a loophole, she knows but what exactly? She don't know.

Her heart shook with pain. Waiting till evening to do what she wanted to do wasn't the reason. She never wanted to wait till the evening. But, all she wanted to know if it was prank or her family really wiped out from the world. What was it? Why it happened? She don't know. But, what she know is that it was true what all just happened. Because, this wasn't the first time a family was wiped-out out of nowhere.

Here, here, what she always had wasn't there to be anymore. Every memory of a small and big arguments, the loud laughter lingering in the empty, she didn't have all those memories only in her mind or brain. But, it was stick to her every veins, every cells, every bricks of the house, every wall that stood once sheltering her family.

Family, the sound of it sounded so ironic in her ears. She wanted to be away from it just yesterday, to fly high in the sky without any leash around her neck, to not always have a thought to be always be perfect for the siblings she once had, who would take her habits, when they grew up, if only they were here. If only she never wished to be away from her family anymore, to never have the thought of being the epitome of perfectionism anymore, to not always be the one to lose any argument between her parents for her dream.

Alas, here she was with empty hand. Her wish wasn't to be alone like this. Yes, once wished to be alone, but not like this. She wanted to be happy, and wanted her family to be happy even if she live at south and they at north. She wanted to end the silent argument, the never started fight, the small hard, crispy air surrounding them, whenever she wanted to talk about the thing she was stripped away; she wanted to end this all. But, not like this.

She wanted to be go somewhere else, not her family to vanish in this air with their belongings as if they were never here.

One after other, the tears slides down from her eyes. Her eyes were filled emotions as she stared back at the ceiling. Her body shaking with silent cries as her breath turned shallow and heavy, this was not something she wanted. She wanted everything and nothing at the same time. What was happening?

•Layla•

What was worse than been striped of something you wore with pride. Devastation. I can now name the this feeling that's clawing out my heart, shattering it into pieces. How do I help myself? When I don't even know if what I am feeling is named right or not?

How will anyone believe me? When I myself don't come to believe it? Accepting all this is like a nightmare. Nightmare so bad that I want to sleep back and never woke up again. In just few span of hours, it happened. How could it happen? I had no enemy? I never interfered in something. I never cared about it, never. And now that I was suffering through the absolute disaster I couldn't believe this all.

It was never not like I never cared, I was so drowned into oblivion, I was so deep down in my own miseries that I ignored everything until the rain poured on me. It was cold and it made me feel numb to the core.

The urge to fight from everything around me was increasing by each passing second but with whom will I fight. I had no one to proof if it's all a lie or is it a nightmare. I felt I never lived here anymore. Who will believe when that aunty didn't believed me? Who? Who will help me to chase away from this world?

How am I going to save my own family? But, that wasn't the matter. The matter was, who is doing this all? Stealing families from this town. One by another every month a family disappeared and when I talked about it even to Marwan, he always had one answer to it, -"Who is that?"

It wasn't the number that was disappearing, they were people, they had lives, they had dreams, they once too desired to live. But, now they were all gone and my family was among them. With who and how, I don't know and I don't even know that why is it only me that remembers them, those families, those people, those dreams disappearing like they never mattered, they were never numbers, they were real people, real souls.

My insides feel so much warmer now as if there is a fire of rage inside me, burning with fury, and yet I had a lingering thought,- "Was I alone back than before this all happened or am I all alone now?"

It was raspy and fall as a heavy whisper, it was my voice. I heard it after five hours and it felt like I haven't spoken from eternity. The limit of thoughts is crossed now and I don't know what to think anymore or how do I not cry in grief and despair? When I have lost everything? And no matter how much I am going to talk about my loss, it will never be enough; just like me.

My heart pulsated against my ribcage as I slowly rose up, seating against the bed post; seeing the sun descend against the sky; just like my hopes.

The soft fabric of my burqa felt so much  heavier against my body as I wore it and my knees, they hurt to even take a step back. What will become of me? If now I am like this, so out of hope, so out of light, so out of everything.

And I clearly remember if My father would be hear, he would have said, "You are youth, you should be more stronger and firm and held yourself with proud."

How do I tell you father, I am not strong and firm on my own anymore? I am not what you always want me to be? And I regret every second to not please you like I should have done.

My own reflection stared at me, and it looked so broken as if I was robbed or as if I had no one; ironically when did I have one?

You want me to be perfect, right father? But, how do I become one when you are not there with me?

You want me to be independent, right mother? But, how do I become when you are not here to guide me?

How do I be the one you want me to be, when there is no you but only me?

The sneakers held my feet tightly as I was going to run away without them, I don't even have a place to run, where do I run?

My steps fell harder and harder, with my fast and heavy breaths. I was running faster and faster by each passing second. My feet burned against the concrete. And my heavy breaths, they burned all the way coming through my lungs. My throat, it felt dry, dry like an arabian desert.

Tears stung my eyes bad with my niqab hitting my face as cold winds rushed against my face, and I haven't never felt this cold, it numbed me, my heart, my soul.

A sob broke through my throat with my breath as I ran harder than my thoughts. The road just wouldn't come to end and I would never care about anyone coming in my way, well when they have cared about my way?

Another sob, another hard step and I could see the roof of the building, another pang through my chest and I know what I doing is right. So right, that if Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala even sent an Angel to protect me, I wouldn't give in. Never, I have decided and Layla is always stronger and firmer in her decision.

The feet stopped seeing black gate and a shudder tore through me. What was I going to do?

I stepped forward more near to it. And again started running. My destiny is close then why am I taking a step back now? There's no going back never. Never.

The lights in the staircase flickered, it had dirty spots all the way and I couldn't shake away the feeling coiling around my heart. It scared me. It was Guilt. But, it was too late to be guilty. Because, I don't even know when did I arrived at the rooftop.

The city lights shined like a star and everything looked so smaller, like it didn't matter; not anymore.

My steps shook with each nearing of the wall and my heart shook with fear. I am coward, and now theirs no going back.

A deep, shaky breath exhaled through my mouth and avoided looking at any part of my body.

Climbing the small wall I stood upon it and looked at sky, it was clearly dark and my mind, it was hazy and spinning. And I didn't wasted any other second in falling.

Sharp, cold wind tore through my lungs as I first time experienced; what it feels like to jump from the tall building.

My heart continue to beat aloud.

But, I never made it ground as something warm secured me with in it.

Tbc......