Trigger Warning
There was absolute silence. It wasn't until I choked on my own tears that I realized I was crying. I hastily swiped the tears off my face and snuck under the security of my comforter. I scrunched the pillow tightly to my chest, feeling as the wet fabric dampened my cheek. I heard the rough sound of a notebook hit the floor. I shimmied to the edge of my bed and looked around. I sniffed and rubbed my eyes to clear them. A black leather notebook lay open slightly under the bed.
I slid to the ground and numbly picked up the book. I read the first entry.
Dear whatever you are,
My life isn't going well at the moment. I thought we were doing great, but I can more than just my heart was tricked.
I thought we were falling in love. We had become so close, so freaking close. We had been harmonized.
But all of a sudden, he broke it off. All of a sudden, I was alone. I had give him my all and he decided to throw it back. I don't know how much of this I can take. I feel so useless. I feel like garbage. I was thrown away, after all. Left on the street to be exact.
I wiped the tears from my face. I flipped through the pages. I already knew what was there. Of course I did, I had written it all. All the things that I hated about myself, all the things I had done wrong, all the pain I had caused. I found the next blank page.
Dear whatever you are,
I hate myself because I caused Alex so much pain. I caused her panic attack, I caused her nerves to fry. I let her almost kill herself trying to save us. It should have been me. It will be me.

I slid the notebook back to where I kept the rest of my notebooks. It leaned against a deep pink one. I used to write my goals there. I used to write about the good things in life. My dreams. I turned away. Pink is nothing like black. It's hope for the sick. It's girly and happy. It's likable.

Before I realized it I had sat next to the tub. I had cornered myself. I had rolled up my sleeve, I had touched the cool medal to my skin. I had bleed. It felt just as it always did. Numbing. For a brief moment, I forgot the horrid person I was. The nobody I had become. I had cut again.
But my relief was short lived. It was cruelly torn away from me and my mistakes rammed into my mind like a bulldozer. I covered my head, trying to get the voices out. I dug the blade into arms like a mad women. Maybe I was one. No amount of cuts would relieve my pain.
A certain amount of blood would, however. I fought with the idea.
But Alex.
She doesn't need me.
But Tristan.
Maybe he did cheat.
But Isaac.
He shouldn't waste his time on me anymore.
Mom?
She's disappointed in me.
Dad?
He just the same as mom.
Is this the right decision?
No.
Should I do it anyway?
Yes.

I was sobbing now. Fully aware of what I was doing, I sliced open my arm. Blood began rushing out the wound. This time it hurt. It wasn't numb. It hurt like hell. But it was the last pain I was ever going to feel.

My vision was blurry. My ears were ringing. My arm stung. My head hurt. My skin was tight from crying. I knew my parents would find me. I knew they would wonder why. But I won't regret this.
The pain became too much. I squeezed my eyes shut. I heard muffled pounding and shouting. I didn't care who it was, I knew I had seconds. I couldn't feel myself breathe. My body shook as I hiccuped, causing searing pain in my arm. I sunk back against the wall.

Just seconds.

I felt one last tear slip past my bunched eyelids.

It was over.

A/N Mood: Safe and sound by Taylor Swift
Recaps of the trigger warning chapters will be posted next.