I hated it. For one thing, it was way too goddamn bright out that was for sure. Like my eyes were seeing through an enriched chrome filter and the color intensity was surreally amplified. Somehow it was worse than if everything appeared dull. I could feel the color singeing my eyes.

I scowled as I looked over it. I guess the garden should have been considered nice. At one time it might have even been really something, like a painting in an art museum. But like the rest of the house, it had been worn down and left alone far too long to be considered anything but ancient, decaying, and a health hazard.

Which was why it was confusing as hell that Eskil brought me out here. He hadn't said anything, just led me outside and had me sit down on a rustic chair next to him. And then he looked out at the garden and stared. And stared. And stared.

And he was still staring now. It made me curious. What was he seeing? Did he see the overdosed color like I did? Thoughts? Maybe some buried memories? By the state of everything around here, it was easy to forget that this once had been his home. A home he obviously avoided visiting at all costs. Until now.

I wish I could read him. He was too good at the stoic face. I hated it.

"Yes?"

Crap. He'd caught me.

"Um—nothing." My face was on fire as I glanced down at my hands.

He hummed.

Back to silence. Back to staring at nothing.

If I wanted to do that I could go back into my room. I could feel a part of me yearning to do that. Just crawl back and block out the lights and curl into myself again. God, I really wanted to do that.

So I did.

Well, I tried to anyway. The moment I had uncoiled my feet from under me and placed them on the ground, the moment I placed my arms on the armrests and tried to push myself up, was the moment that Eskil's hand shot out and grabbed my wrist.

"Stay." He still didn't look at me.

Not going to lie, his grip kind of hurt. He grasped it icily tight. Actually, it was an odd mix between hot and cold and—

"The hell," I breathed. His hand. How hadn't I noticed it before? It looked like termites had gnawed through it leaving a mess of flesh, bones, and muscles. How was he not withering in pain over it?

He released my hand and folded his back in his lap once he realized I wasn't going anywhere. He didn't even seem to notice what I saw. Maybe he didn't even notice his hand at all.

What the hell was that? My mind flashed back to when Rhys was giving me vampire 101. Not possible. Eskil wouldn't be that careless. He wouldn't. But in all that time locked away in my room, I couldn't remember ever hearing him leave. And from the looks of things I doubted he had any fresh supply hidden around the house.

I dared to look at his face, really, really look at it. It was the exact same.

"Are you an idiot?" I seethed.

My shrieking must have started him since he turned to me, but there was nothing in his eyes. No comprehension, no life, nothing.

"You must be the stupidest vampire that's ever existed," I continued as I quickly yanked off my shirt and covered his head with it. "Between this and street crossing, you must be."

I grabbed his arm and yanked him up and hauled him indoors. Once inside I immediately went to work shutting all the blinds.

When I was done I got in his face. "What the hell was all that?"

He wouldn't meet my eye. That just made me madder.

"Don't fuck with me Eskil. After everything that's happen, don't fuck with me. I think I deserve some explanation on why you were trying to kill yourself."

Those words seemed to shock some sense into him. "You misunderstand."

"Then why don't you fucking enlighten me."

"It was an oversight. Forgive me."

An oversight. Bullshit. An oversight was running out of bread to make sandwiches for the week not barbequing your flesh off in the sunlight.

"Try again."

He walked over towards the closed windows and faced them as if he could see through the blinds, his hands clasped behind himself.

"I had forgotten," he started slowly, a catch in his voice, "I had forgotten what lingers here. You are not the only one, Kyle, who phantoms haunt."

Phantoms—big, dead, brown eyes—red everywhere—

I shuttered. No. Too soon.

"Still you shouldn't kill yourself over it." The words came out bitter and even I could hear the hypocrisy in them like the thought hadn't entered my mind once or twice these past few days.

"Death?" A hollow laugh, one that made me realize that broken laugh was the first I'd ever heard from him. "No, I have done too much to live to die."

"Then why?" It didn't make sense.

He turned from the window and began to walk slowly around the room examining all the various knick-knacks. "Centuries ago, my family resided at this estate. I grew up in these halls. My parents, my brother, and me."

His family. The ones who were dead. Not happy phantom memories then. 

"My kind conceives offspring rarely and difficulty. It is common and expected for the mothers to die in childbirth. Mine did as such. It is customary for one offspring to carry on the line. There is no need for two. My mother bore twins. Such an event was revered a blessing in the old ways.

He stopped walking. "My kind does not tolerate weakness. Only the strongest survive. And only one successor is necessary. My father taught my brother and me the ways and expectations. And when we reached of age he threw a feast to name his heir.

"'Only the strongest and only one," he repeated. "Tradition dictates that with two to participate in a match to determine who is the strongest who will become the successor. It is a match to the death."

To the death. 

Hell.

"I tore out his throat to an applauding audience. 'Only the strongest and only one.' I had slain perhaps the one being I ever cherished in my existence. And the one I cherished attempted to slain me as well."

I thought about if I had to kill Hailey or Gabby and I couldn't. My stomach turned at the thought. I wouldn't have been able to do it. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had. Eskil did both.

"You are blessed in a way, that your mistakes are not your fault. Mine are mine alone. Time does not eradicate the guilt," Eskil warned as he caught my eye. "For what you now suffer, for the remorse, you will endure, I can only ask forgiveness."

My guilt. That was it. Suddenly it made sense. Eskil hadn't tried to burn himself because of past memories or forgetting about time or some other flimsy excuse. He had done it because it hurt because he had wanted it to hurt him. He had thought he deserved it because he knew what the pain of...what happened and regretting it felt like and he was filled with remorse and shame that he had caused me to feel like that.

No. It was more than that. It wasn't just that alone. He blamed himself for everything.

I wanted to blame him too. There were so many should-haves, could-haves, would-haves. But I couldn't. Not anymore. At least, not fully. I had made choices too. Given, that I wouldn't be in these situations at all if it wasn't for him, I still made choices. Like to help him on that first day. That had been all on me.

And the one thing I had to give Eskil credit for was that he always respected the decisions I made, even when the majority of them were telling him to stay the hell away. Even when he probably knew I was making the wrong one he still let me choose, except maybe for one failed mind control attempt. I still hadn't forgiven him fully for that one. But overall he respected my decisions.

Besides, it was really hard to pin the blame all on someone when you knew they were already doing that. I hadn't forgiven him completely and I was sure where he and I stood on all this whole crazy and overwhelming mess, but there was something more important to deal with now then sort through that emotional maze.

I sighed. "So does like Aloe Vera work on that or are you going to need some crazy voodoo magic?"

If he said we'd have to go see Emilia Brendto again I might shove him back onto the patio myself.

**Yeah an update! Hope you like it and be sure to tell me any thoughts you may have. Love you all and until next time! <3 **