I was five when it first happened.  Nobody believed me as usual.  They thought I was making up stories,  like any other five year old.

But no,  I was advanced.  I knew between right and wrong,  and what he was doing to me didn't feel right.

The first night,  though,  I was scared.

I was wrapped up in my Dora blanket, gripping my stuffed dog tightly against my chest. 

I was hidden behind the bed,  trying to drown out the sounds of my father and mother yelling back and forth.  I tried to sing,  like my grandma use to tell me to do when I was scared.

But,  it seemed that the arguing got louder, the more I tried to ignore it.

"Every night with this bullshit! Disgusting! " my mother yelled.

"Well bitch I wouldn't have to cheat if you was doing what the fuck you was supposed to be doing."

They went back and forth for hours, non stop.

Finally,  it went silent.

I peered over my bed and stared at the crack underneath my door.

A shadow appeared slowly,  as if someone was standing near the door.

My door slowly creaked open,  revealing my father .

He was a tall,  bulky man.  He was covered in tattoos,  and his hair that he'd try to make into waves,  had a few grey patches in it.

He walked over to me and sat on my bed.

"Come up here,  baby girl. "

I loved my father,  so I did as he said. He held out his arm,  and pulled me into him,  hugging me from the side.  He grabbed my little legs,  and crossed them over his lap.

"I love you so much, Ayana." He whispered,  stroking my hair.

I smiled. " I love you too daddy."

He ran his hand down my back and continued to whisper.

"You wanna make daddy happy? "

Innocent,  I nodded smiling.
Five year old me thought of him as the best man in the world. 

"Lay down and take off your clothes. "

"Daddy,  am I gonna take a bath? "

"No.  Do as I say. "

I did as he said.

----------

Each night,  for weeks,  it was the same thing.

My mother knew.  How couldn't she? My father was anything but discreet when it came to it.

She looked down at me as we got off the bus.

"Hurry your ass up Ayana.  Were gonna miss your doctors appointment."

I hurriedly caught up to my fast paced mother who was already at the door.

-----

"Okay,  so we got the test results back."

The doctor looked at a paper then back at my mother,  then at me.

"How old is your daughter? " the doctor asked,  smiling at me.

"She's five,  why? "

"Well it seems she's already started her period. "

"Mommy what's a period? " I asked,  confused.

"Hush girl. What do you mean she started her period?"

"Also,  her hymen is ripped. That's why she's been getting pains in her stomach."

She looked down at the chart.

"Ms. Jackson,  what's going om at home?  Is Ayana safe? "

I opened my mouth to speak,  but my mother pinched my arm.

"Are you a motherfuckin counselor? " she yelled.

"No,  it's just..  The tests,  they're saying-"

"I don't give a fuck about no tests. Is she okay or not? "

The doctor nodded silently.

"Okay.  C'mon Ayana. " she said,  pulling me as we walked out the door.

As we sat at the bus stop,  she pulled out a cigarette.

"This is all your fault. Yo lil nasty ass tryna fuck on MY man.  Tuh. " she took a puff of her cigarette and blew it out.

She looked at me. My eyes began to water.

"Uh uh,  cut that crying shit out.  Your about to be six. "

I wiped my eyes and stared at the ground.

"You wanna be grown,  fucking on a grown ass man. "

At home,  dinner was quiet. I sat across from daddy,  and mommy was on the other side. Daddy looked up at me and smiled. I tried to smile back,  but the thoughts of what he was doing to me kept me from doing so.

"Kevin." My mom called to my dad.

He broke his gaze from me and looked at her.

"Let's go out tonight." I'll drop off Ayana at my mom's house.  We could go to that bar on 20th."

He shook his head. " we ain't got money like that girl. "

She sucked her teeth and continued eating with an attitude.

"Baby girl,  I got you something." My father said,  getting up from the table. "My eyes followed him,  as he disappeared into his bedroom.

He came back out with a giant stuffed bear.

My face lit up and I ran to it.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it daddy!"

He kissed my forehead, and sat back down at the table, watching me play with my new stuffed toy.

My mother scoffed, and got up from the table dramatically.

"But you can afford a motherfuckin' stuffed bear?" she shouted, leaving to the bedroom. On the way she pushed me to the ground, hard.

---------------------

I was thirteen , starting high school. My mother hated me with a passion, and my father, still adored me more than her. I had started to learn why my mother felt the way she did towards me, and why my father did what he did to me. Luckily for me, he stopped.

They were both dysfunctional. The devil was taking over their minds, at least, that's what my grandma would say.

I always begged my grandma to come and save me from this house, and her answer would always be the same. "If I could I would, but your daddy sentenced me to life in this nursing home."

The first day of school, I was lost. It was fresh faces, new school, and new opportunities.

First period bell rang, and I ran to my homeroom.

"Good morning, I'm Mrs. Yesha, your homeroom teacher. Now, I want to do some character building exercises, so the in coming freshman can make friends.

She began pairing everyone up, boy and girl.

She paired me up with this boy, who looked familiar.

"Ayana?" he said, pulling up a seat next to me.

"Camron?" I smiled brightly.

I knew Cameron from elementary school. I'd always had a crush on him, but he never noticed me.

"You look good, where you been? You disapeared after fourth grade."

"Yea, I got held back, but I went to summer school, and now I'm back on track!" I said.

"Okay class, introduce yourselfs, talk, but dont be to loud", Mrs. Yesha said, before taking her seat.

"Man, you missed so much. We should hang out sometime." he asked.

I thought about my daddy, and what he might say if I asked him.

"Um, I would have to see."

"Well, give me your number."

He pulled out his phone, and I grabbed it, tying in my number.

"Text, dont call", I blurted.

He nodded. The bell rang to go to second period. He stood up and smiled. "I'll text you tonight. I nodded, then he disapeared out the door, followed by the rest of the students.

In English class, the teacher had passed out journals.

"I want you guys to write in this, every day. Whatever you dont want me to read, just write 'DO NOT READ' in big letters."

Ms. Kenya was my favorite teacher out of all. As the weeks passed on, she'd became more of a friend to me than anyone.

-------

SOPHOMORE YEAR

DO NOT READ

August 15, 2019

It had been over ten years since my father layed a hand on me, and I was so happy. I stopped staying up at night, praying that he would be standing over me. I didn't have to run past him, everytime i had to pass him to get to the kitchen. All feels well.

-Ayana Jackson

I heard rocks hit my window lightly. I walked over to see Camron, jumping up and down like a fool. I slid open my window, quickly.

"Boy what are you dong here? Are you trying to get killed?"

He smiled and whisper-yelled. "Can I come up?"

After slight hesitation, I allowed it. He climbed up the side of the gutters, and oto the roof. I climbed out my window, and sat in front of it. He sat next to me, breathing heavily.

"Luckily Im in shape, or I wouldnt of made that."

"Why are you here?" I asked, trying to get straight to the point.

"I came to tell you something." He began fidgeting with his shirt, nervously.

"Boy, spit it out."

"Look. we've been friends for over like two years now right? Here me out, here me out."

I laughed at his stupidity. "Boy just say it."

"I wanna be with you."

He looked into my eyes as he said it.

"No, Cam, I cant."

"Why, because your dad? Look, I get that he's over protective, but just ell him that I wanna take you on a date.

I looked up at him, hoping that he would see the pain behind my eyes, hoping that he would ask me 'whats wrong?', so I could just tell him everything. But he didn't.

Instead he grabbed my hand. "Please, Ayana. "he begged.

He rested his hand on my face, and lightly caressed my chin. He went in for a kiss.

In that moment i felt safe. I felt nervous, sick, excited and happy all in one. It was my first kiss.

But the moment was broken, when my window slid up.

"Ayana." he said angrily.

Camron's face went cold, and he whispered, "Fuck", under his breath.

"Who the fuck are you?" my dad directed to Cam.

"I'm Cam, a friend of your daughter's. Look we was just-"

"I seen what you were just doing. You have five seconds to get the fuck off of my roof."

In a hurry, he looked at me with sorry eyes, and slid down the guter pipe.

I was scared to turn my head to my father.

"Ayana", he said lowly.

I slowly turned around, to a smirk face.

"Get your ass in here, I need to talk to you."

I silently prayed as I entered back in my house.

--------

DO NOT READ

September 9th, 2019

It was all happening again. My father would take his anger out on me. I was scared to even go home. I thought I'd gotten my father back, but the devil is a lie. I need to do something soon. I'm scared.

-Ayana.

At school, I sat in Ms. Kenya's class, with my hood on, and my head down. I was feeling sick, and I didnt want to be bothered.

After the bell rang, I was the last to leave, before Ms. Kenya stopped me.

"Come, talk to me honey."

I turned around and sat at a stray desk.

"Ayana, I can't grade you on an assignment if I cant read none of your writing. Every single passage that you've written was private."

I didn't reply. I stared at her blankly.

"You don't look so well, are you okay?" she asked.

My vision began to blur and I felt m self spiraling in circles.

"Ayana, I heard Ms. Kenya's voice echo. Then everything went black.

I woke up to IV's in my arm. I looked around to see Ms. Kenya sittign in the visitor's chair.

She noticed me awake, and ran to my side.

"How are you feeling?" she said with a light, fluttery voice.

"What happened?"

"You passed out in class honey, they would't tel me anything else because I'm not your guardian, but your mother's on her way.

The doctor came in, a moment later, followed by my mother. She gave me a scolding look, and turned to the teacher.

Who the fuck are you?" she blurted at Ms Kenya."

"I'm Sharen, your daughter's english teacher."

Ms. Kenya exended her arm to shake hands, but was turned away.

"What's wrong with her?" my mother asked. I looked at the doctor, who seemed a little uneasy.

"Hello", my mother repeated.

The doctor nodded his head and looked at me.

"Ayana, are you sexually active?" he asked.

I looked at my mom, who spoke before I could.

"No, she's a virgin. I know that for sure, her father runs all the little boys away."

The doctor gave a cold look to my mother and continued.

"We ran some blood work on your daughter, and a few tests. "

"And?" my mother shouted.

I turned and reached for Ms. Kenya's hand. She grabbed my hand and looked at me, smiling.

"Ayana has tested positive for HIV."

The room grew silent.

"What's HIV?" I asked, cursing the air that I never payed attention in health class.

Everyone looked at me. My mother looked in disgust.

A tear ran down Ms. Kenya's face before she sat down next to me, not letting go of my hand.

"Are you retarded? Bitch, you got AIDS! Nasty ass litle girl. Who have you been fucking on?"

I shot a look at my mother. 

"AIDS, honey, is very serious. It's a sexually transmitted disease. It can be deadly, but luckily in the year that were in, theirs medicine that can keep you from dying."

My eye shuffled around the room. My eyes began to get heavy..

"I-Ms. Kenya. I need to talk to you."

I blurted.

"No, you've done enough Ms.Kenya. You can go." my mother said.

Without a choice, Ms. Kenya let go of my hand. As she walked out, I yelled," Read my Do Not Reads."

She nodded, disappearing into the hallway.

-----------

My father stepped into my room. I hadn't been to school, de to fear of contamination.

"I didn't know, Ayana." he said.

I sat quietly, my body tense.

"I didn't know I had it." he repeated.

I looked out the window.

"I'm sorry." he said lowly, then left the room.

A tear dropped to my face.

That night, Camron texted me.

CAM: OUTSIDE. OPEN UR WINDW

I sighed and looked. out my window. Sure enough, Cam was right there, sitting on my roof.

I opened it.

"Where were you today? I was looking for you."

He bagan to climb through, but I hurriedly ran to the furthest wall.

"Don't come any closer." I said, tears falling from my face."

He stood across from me, confused."

"What's wrong?"

I had been waiting for him to ask me that. After I calmed down, we both sat on the bed together. I explained everything to him.

He looked at me into my soul, and grabbed my hand tightly.'

"Ayana... how could you not tell me this?" he blurted.

That night we devised a plan to run a way together. I had to steal the money that my parents were saving for a rainy day, and he contributed money that he would take from the back out of his fathers account. Since he was a Jr, it was easy to pretend that he was his father.

Ms. Kenya went home from the hopital that night, rummaging through her stuff for the notebooks she had collected in English that day.

She found the notebook with Ayana's name on it, and opened it. She flipped to the last entry, which was earlier that day.

DO NOT READ

September 10th, 2019

I needed help. I was tired of living in fear. I thought he had stopped, but the last time was the worst. He hurt me to the point where I was bleeding for days. My heart hurts. I dont know how much more i can take. Suicide was an option. I could still momma's pills and just end it. But I couldn't leave Camron . And Ms. Kenya, I couldn't do that to her.

She continued flipping through pages, discovering the truths about Ayana and what she had been going through.

The next morning she made a call to social services before work.

Expecting to see Ayana in class, she awaited her arrival. SHe never showed up. At lunch, she went looking for Camron, who was nowhere in site.

She prayed that they were somewhere safe.

As for Camron and Ayana, they ran away together, to Florida, where they'd stay with Ayana's older cousin. Having $10,000, when they turned 18, they bought a house near the beach. They got married and adopted four beautiful babies. They never looked back again.

mrsvintage