Background: free form, written November 2016, the inspiration was me acknowledging that I am really not fine. This was powerful to me because I used to use the phrase 'I'm fine' to avoid talking about my real feelings. It really was a mask. It was one of the first poems I wrote and it's quite obviously a down point. Sorry if it's a bit all over the place transition/topic-wise. 

WARNINGS: mentions of suicide (I have felt the urges to commit before in my life, but I in no way support suicide. A personal recommendation if you're feeling that way- Rodgers Memorial is amazing and did wonders for me, they have a number of hotlines.), depression, anxiety, mentions of doctors/medications, self-hate

I'm fine

That's a lie

I'm not okay 

I'm dying inside

My brain hurts

And my body is tired

I care too much

For what others think

And not enough 

For myself

I feel like I'm drowning

All these thoughts in my head

Telling me to surrender

That I'm better off

Dead 

I can't sort it out

What's me

What's anxiety

I dress in colors 

But inside

It's bleak

Getting out of bed

Is an everyday challenge

School

Is my own personal hell

And everywhere

The thoughts follow me

Like a shadow

They tell me I'm not good enough

That I'll never succeed

I'll never live up to what people expect

Of me 

This mantra 

It never stops

The pills are supposed to help

They'll help me be happy

They'll help me to see 

That there's a point to living

There's hope for being free

From the inner critics

That question my every decision 

But they don't help

It's like swallowing a lie

They increase the pressure

Behind my eyes

Make my head spin 

My steps unstable 

They do nothing for my insecure mind

But I can't give up

Can't back down 

My grandma said 

She would never forgive me 

If she had to put me in the ground 

So I swallow the falsehoods

Of medication 

I go to therapy

And tell the doctor 

How many times I've lost 

My mind

My breath

How many times I've lost 

All control

And broke down

Into a crying, shaking mess

My grades stay steady 

Even when I'm not 

They have to

I can't handle failure 

People find out about the pills

The anxiety and depression

People fade away 

They sink into the background

Then disappear forever 

Just in case 

Crazy is contagious 

The ones that stay

Don't understand 

What it's like 

To fear eye-contact 

To panic 

When someone puts a hand 

On your shoulder 

That's everyone's biggest misconception 

That when I'm in the middle 

Of hysteria 

A hug will heal me 

To clear it up

It will not help in the slightest 

A hug makes it worse

It takes fear

And turns it to terror

But I can't speak up

When I'm that far gone 

All I can do 

Is curl into myself

Screaming 

Wishing I could fold up like paper 

Into a crane 

And fly away

However

I'm not paper

Merely human 

Flesh and blood

I can't be folded 

To fit a perfect form 

That doesn't stop people

From trying 

They tell me 

"Get out more"

"Try a diet"

"Stop moping"

The worst is when they say 

"This has to stop!" 

And I feel like crying 

Or laughing 

Because it never stops 

How am I supposed to pretend 

To be better 

Cured 

When I still feel like I'm stranded 

It's like I'm lost 

Lost in my own consciousness 

People are calling me 

To the center of the maze 

To the old me that's trapped 

Only when someone calls 

"Go right" 

Another calls 

"Go left" 

And I go down the center 

Because I can't 

Let anyone down 

Sometimes there's only one way 

To go 

And when I walk 

They smile 

And tell me that I'm starting 

To be her again 

The old me

Innocent little Karissa 

Smiling at everyone

Singing for the world to hear 

And suddenly 

I've taken a thousand steps

Backward 

I'm scared now 

I don't want to tell them

I'll never be her 

The innocent girl is gone

She's been trapped too long 

With the dark thoughts

Of depression 

The smiling girl 

Has been crushed 

Under the weight 

Of anxiety 

Imprisonment 

It weakens the strongest of minds 

I feel different 

Than I did before 

Strangely not Karissa 

But I must be Karissa 

I can't fail 

I can't let them down 

If I was brave enough 

I would ask them to call me 

Kris

'Karissa' is too fragile 

It doesn't feel like me 

The name doesn't fit 

Like it used to

A warm blanket 

Long turned cold

And riddled with holes

'Kris' feels more fitting 

More me 

Kris has fought wars 

Wars of the mind

Where Karissa falls

Kris rises up

Kris is not innocent 

When I reflect on this 

On who I am 

Who I have become

I know 

I will never reach the center 

Of my maze 

I will never be the old me 

The one my friends remember 

The one my family longs for 

I've been through too much 

I've changed

I think 

I might be content 

Even happy 

With Kris 

Just a part of who I once was 

Whereas my friends and family

And all my doctors 

Will not see me as healed 

Until every part of me 

Is as pristine 

As it used to be 

In this aspect 

I will always fail them 

But I can't fail 

So my mask goes on

My everyday makeup 

I'm not in pain 

I'm fine