I stood up as if hypnotized. Slowly, I started walking, oblivious to the sticks and leaves poking and stabbing me. I felt nothing. Not pain, not hurt, not emotion.

I stumbled all the way to the woodshed. Something in my subconsciousness told me to stop, that I was doing something wrong. But I pushed it away. 'This is the only way,' I told myself. 'It will all go away after this. It will all be gone.'

Shaking, I felt my way through the dark, musky shed. I found the ax and hefted it in my arms. It felt heavy, and real.

I brought it outside, and the ax head glinted in the moonlight. I ran my finger along along the edge. It felt cold and hard.

By now I was sweating, and shaking so hard I almost couldn't hold on to the ax. It took me three tries to pick it up, and I dropped it twice on the way to the chopping block. I came here every few days and put wood on here. I had never put me on here.

I sat on the cutting block and hefted the ax onto my lap. I felt so light, like my spirit was already leaving me. It was a terrifyingly depressing feeling.

I lifted the ax, and put it, blade side, to my chest. I situated it right in the middle of my chest, slightly angled to the left. My heart was pounding so hard. It kept slightly moving the ax.

This close to death, I began noticing things. I heard the crisp snap of a twig; the hoot of a hunting owl; the ever so gentle breeze rustling the stray leaves. I suppose the saying is true; you never feel so alive as when your so close to death.

A sole tear leaked through my eye as I thought my last thought.

'This is for you, papa.'

I closed my eyes and began to end my life.

And then I heard it. 'Beloved.' The word drifted on the wind as if spoken from a dream. I stopped pressing the ax, throwing my eyes open.

'Beloved.' There it was again! I was terrified someone was watching me. I jerked my head to the moon, wishing the noise would stop so I could just get on with it.

'Beloved.' It came again, and three times the charm. I could feel it was from Him. He was trying to tell me something, and only now had I let Him in.

I let go of the ax, and it fell with a deep thud to the earthen floor. I closed my eyes, and it was then that it all came storming back to me. Everything.

I looked down at my shaking, blood speckled hands, and realized what I almost did.

"I almost did it," I whispered to myself, eyes huge. A little louder, I said it again.

"I almost killed myself." I covered my mouth in indescribable horror. I fell on my knees to the earth.

"I almost killed myself!" I screamed through my hands. And then the tears  started coming. They flooded my face, and I didn't try to stop them. I sobbed and sobbed, thanking God for saving my life again.

"Thank you Jesus," I whispered, rocking back and forth, praying the same prayer over and over again. "Thank you thank you thank you..."

I looked above me, seeing a blurry, watery moon. I spoke from my heart, for maybe the first time ever.

"I love you Jesus. I owe you everything. You are my all. Thank you, from now till all eternity. You are my savior, my redeemer, my healer, my Lord. I love you Jesus. Thank you." I clutched my hands to my bleeding chest and continued rocking, thanking Him and praying that He might find it in Him to forgive me. I lay down in the damp grass on my back. I closed my eyes. Soon, the inevitable happened, and I was fast asleep.

I think I'll stop it here. I won't be able to top that if I continue writing, so here works. I hope that was good. It felt spotty to me, but maybe I'm just bias XD Thanks for reading, and I think the next chapter will be out in the next few weeks. Have a good one, and God Bless

Me