Today, it has been 10 years since you disappeared. A lot of things have changed and some have not!

Since 1 years, I return every month, in secret, to YunShen Buzhi. In a few days, I will know if I am coming back or if I am leaving the Lan clan for good ! But tonight I am thinking of you.

I am standing there on the deck of the Jingshi garden. I look at the moon. In a few days, it will be completely round.

The night is quiet. You can hear the flapping of a night bird's wings as it hunts. The water flows between the stones under the bridge. A little further on, it flows into the main stream that joins the cold spring.

I am waiting for you.

Ten years ago, I could not say goodbye to you. I continue to live because of a legend, a dream and your son.

A legend that gave me hope to see you again, maybe one day. The two spiritual objects that are attached to you have both sealed themselves. Their spirits have fallen asleep and are waiting for your return. That's why I went looking for you. Hoping to see your shadow or your spirit behind another look, another smile. Each time I thought I saw a glimpse of this shadow, I was invariably disappointed... until one day I could not stand it anymore.

And then there was the dream. That wonderful dream where I heard your voice telling me that you would come back to me. That I had to fight and live for those who loved me... It's strange, because in that dream I remember very well the warmth of your hand on my cheek and the trembling in your voice. It sounded soft, sad and a little hoarse. As if you were having trouble speaking.

You told me not to look for you anymore, that you would do it! So I keep looking for you because I'm not the kind of person who waits and does nothing. I go all over the world. Bringing my help where it is needed. That was already 4 years ago.

I am still waiting for you.

I do it for your child... or rather "ours". A-Yuan is in the eyes of all my son, but he was yours before he was mine. So for "our" child, I have to live. He has already lost his real parents, his family, his clan and you! I will not allow him to lose another person.

He is a beautiful teenager. He is cheerful and joyful, gentle and loving. I couldn't have asked for anything better! I know I shouldn't think this, but your death has given me the most wonderful gift! The child that without you I would never have had! The child you gave me.

When I look at the world we live in, I wonder what you would think!

Your brother is always the same, unpleasant as can be. He's not married, I'm not surprised, who could stand someone like him! I keep putting obstacles in his way to prevent him from finding you before me! I have to admit that I'm enjoying it a lot. I shouldn't, but I can't help it!

My brother, on the other hand, has been slow to recover from the loss of his "Big Brother" Nie MingJue. This happened shortly before I left the Cold Cave. Of course, I didn't know it at the time. I still feel guilty for not talking to him and ignoring him for more than 6 months after I got out of prison.

HuaiSang is now a clan leader! Who would have believed it! He who used to indulge in frivolity has become the leader of a warrior sect, reputed to be the most brutal!

Do you remember Jin GuangYao? He became the leader of the Jin Clan. Today he is the chief patriarch. He is the "bastard" son, born of a prostitute! He took his revenge on life! He married the daughter of his father's right-hand man. It is said that they form a harmonious couple! I don't know because although I was invited to the wedding, I didn't go, I never liked this kind of mundanity.

Brother and he are very close. He calls him A-Yao! He considers him as his younger brother... just like me. Is that why I can't appreciate him? Am I jealous of him? Or is it deeper? It doesn't matter... I don't like him and I don't trust him and his fake smile!

And then there is Jin Ling, your nephew, the child of your shijie. Poor guy, he has no chance with the two uncles he has! He is divided between Jinlintai and Yunmeng. He will be like his uncles when he grows up and he is not really a reference! He will be arrogant and full of himself! If you want to save him from this fate, come back soon to teach him to be a child!

I am waiting for you impatiently.

The calm reigns. The clans are at peace. Of course there are strange things happening but not like the events we have known. However, in the last few years, they have become more and more frequent. Maybe I'm worrying for nothing.

I'm waiting for you because you told me to.

How long will you keep me hoping for your return? Will I have the joy of seeing you smile at me again? Will I ever know the happiness of feeling your body against mine? To taste the sweetness of your lips? If you can hear my thoughts, where you are, you must think me pathetic to see me longing for you! But I can't help it, I miss you.

I wait for you and I dream

Some nights, I dream of your presence beside me in bed. I think I feel your body pressing against mine and your hands roaming my skin in search of a treasure that would make us discover the pleasure of the senses.

I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but I know the book that Baochen gave me almost by heart! In the secret hiding place next to my bed, there is a jar of one of the oils recommended in the book. You see, even this troublemaker managed to convince me that you were coming back.

I am waiting for you and wondering.

When you come back, and I know you will, you told me so, what will you look like? Will you be tall or short, a farmer or a normal man? Will I recognize you? Would you? Sometimes, when spirits take possession of a body, they lose part of their memories. I hope that this will not happen and that you will remember me.

I wait for you and hope.

Will I have the courage to tell you what I have always felt for you? Could I tell you about this emotion that you made me feel from the first night and that I hid so as not to make you run away. These indecent thoughts that you inspired me and that still make me blush some nights when they come back to my mind.

I look at the moon and its soft pale light bathes my face.

My love, I wait for you and I will wait for you as long as it takes.

In the quiet of the night, on the deck of the Jingshi I say the words that I never dared to say to you.

"I love you.

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)