"Do... you ever feel like a monster?"
______

Gokhan looked at me surprised. He worked his jaw as he thought. Then he sighed before he answered.
"Every day of my life I always think of myself as a monster but I learned how to not feel that way anymore." He said as he looked out at the city. His dark eyes reflecting the lights.
He... has felt the same?

I sighed and leaned back while holding onto the railing.
"My..."
Should I tell him this? I barely know him...
"...entire life I've been treated like one. Now I've come to think of myself that way after hearing it so many times. I can't just flip a switch anymore. It's there permanently, and it ain't going away any time soon." I said as old memories came and went.
Damn it... I thought I was finally over this. Then why?..

Why does it feel like I'm always standing alone? Why does it feel like there's no one in my life? I thought I was over this. I thought I was past this. I guess fears never really go away.

"You know the reason why is Saiyans are feared? It's because people see us as monsters. It's natural but think about it. If this world has powers and if we lived, and if the quirkless ruled over the quirks then I would be treated as a freak, but I wouldn't give in." He said. He smiled to himself as he saw something only he could. I looked back out at the city. "I feel that we should think about how others would feel if they found out. They would probably say that we're amazing. We have to be the goal that they are always trying to reach." He said while fist pumping. I looked at him amused before he continued.

"The best thing you should do is think about your friends and also your girlfriend as well." He said smirking. I sweat dropped.
GOKHAN SHIPS IT!!!!
Jesus Christ! Quit doing that!
No! Now go have a heart to heart!
I can't deal with you anymore.

"I don't have a girlfriend." I deadpanned.
"Uh huh. Suuure you don't." He said smirking at me. "Come on. I know a good couple when I see one. Hell I feel my fiancé would tell you the same thing."
Wait...

"Wait wait wait. You're engaged?" I asked.
There's no way. At our age?

He nodded and smiled happily. Completely oblivious to my disbelief.
"She's the best person you can ever meet. She's kinda stubborn at times but her cute face makes up for it no matter what." He said happily.
I'm gonna puke.

"Holy shit you move fast." I joked laughing. I looked back up at the stars and smiled. I leaned on the railing again. Feeling the cold metal on my skin and the slight breeze that went by now and again.
"Well not really. We've known each other for 11 years. But that's besides the point." He said waving his hands.
"Ok then marry at 15." I said snidely while smirking.
"What! No I'm 16! Besides I feel that you and your 'not' girlfriend have a real close relationship." He said putting quotes on not.

"Well I should think so. She's my best friend. Don't tell Kirishima. I don't want to lose her, which is why I keep my secrets." I looked back down at the city below. "It's hard but I have no choice, people tend to get hurt when they learn to much about me. Mostly because of the fact of my strength, or because I tend to close myself off from others to deal with my own problems. They don't need that burden upon themselves to fix my own messes." I said with a sigh as I looked at the stars above me. Barely visible from the lights from the city. I closed my eyes.

People don't deserve that. Why should I burden them with my own messes. Big ones at that. No one should have to deal with other people's problems... which is probably one of the reasons I close myself off, but it's definitely not the only reason.

I was snapped out of my train of thought when I felt something hit me. With burning, obsidian eyes I looked over to see Gokhan had slapped me. It didn't hurt, or even sting. But it surprised me, and I sure didn't appreciate being slapped.
"Everyone tells me you're smart, but you must be the dumbest person I've met! So you're telling me when everyone is fighting a major threat that you're just gonna cower away like the foolish idiot you're being right now! Break through you're fear and become the hero they need you to be!" He yelled as he transforms into super saiyan. "This power is our proof that we're strong! But if you never realize it then you aren't worth calling yourself a Saiyan. Now rise and break through!!"
Jeez tone it down a bit. You're gonna wake the whole neighborhood.

I glared at him before I carefully chose my words. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Sure I keep my secrets but that doesn't mean I don't fight in secret. I let other people take credit for my battles as long as my name isn't mentioned I don't care! I've faced some of the biggest threats and the worst people, worse than anything you can possibly imagine! And one of them was my own fucking mother!" I took a deep breath before I continued my rant.
Why am I telling him this? It takes me so long to just open up to one person, and now here I am spilling all my guts...

I guess I needed it after keeping things inside for so long. So so long.

"I've dealt with so much personal and emotional shit from that one person enough to last 200 years! I don't know what your life has been like, but for me it's been hell every single fucking day! I have my rights to be secretive and cautious! Because I've been stabbed in the back! I keep my secrets because I don't want people to get hurt! If they knew, if anyone knew, they'd be targeted, and I can't save everyone. Their blood would be on my hands, and I don't need that guilt. I would let everyone down. Which is why I keep my distance! I don't want to drag other people into my shit! So maybe I'm not worth calling a saiyan but at least I can protect people I care about! I don't care just as long as they don't find out!" I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair after my angry outburst.

Everything hurts. Why does this hurt so much to admit? To admit that I have so many reasons not to trust people. To admit there's things wrong with me. To admit I'm broken beyond fixing...

"Fear isn't something you can just get over immediately, it takes time and patience and a willingness to get over it. But I just can't do it, I-I..." I took a deep breath to prevent myself from crying. "I don't- I don't have the mental strength. I'm struggling. Struggling harder than you can imagine to keep myself from breaking down crying randomly throughout the day. My mind is hell, and it's giving me hell, I've tried everything. And while it's gotten better, my dreams are plagued. I haven't had a good nights rest since I was 4. I have night terrors every night. Always filled with the same fears and haunting images." I let out a shaky breath as silent tears rolled down my cheeks.
Damn it. I told myself I wouldn't cry. I guess I can't even keep those promises.

"It's not something I can just get over. That's what you don't understand. I've tried and I've tried. They won't go away, and it doesn't help that my own father is broken and going through his own mental turmoil because of that wretched woman." I let out a dry chuckle.

"You know the one thing think she would always call me. Hirviö. It's Finnish for monster. Although I had no idea at the time. She's called me that since I was 2. And it's all because I had a surge of power that almost totaled the house. I-I just don't want to be hurt like that again. Which is why I keep people away, they don't need to see my ugly side. The side of me that's willing to kill others with no hesitation. No remorse. No empathy. The side that's cold as ice. I don't know if you've killed, but I feel nothing when I do. And that fact, the fact I feel nothing, is what makes me think maybe there is something wrong with me. That's why I'd be called a monster. So... people will never see that sick side of me, purely because they'd be horrified if they did." I said, my voice becoming devoid of emotion. Gokhan said nothing for awhile. Taking in all the information I just let loose.

"You're right. You don't ever want to see the face of those who you trusted looking at you with disgust or fear. But I think if you let them try to tame that monster then it could transform into a protector, listen if people do find out about your power, what can they do? It's basically like All Might. He had the strongest quirk in the universe... OFA and he had a few people know about it but nothing has happened since only 2 villains know about OFA. All for one..." As Gokhan was talking he suddenly started crying.

"Deku. I lost him and I've beaten myself for it, that's why I will never be that weak again. But I tell everyone about my power because I know in time they will stop me if they can, mostly my wife. She's the reason I fight. The reason I go to my senses. I think that's why Ryoko is special to you, because she's someone who can understand you. I may not know about your life but I know that you're way to strong to let yourself be controlled by that power and if you do... they will be here and your father as well. Family is the key. Like the old saying goes... 'When you fall off of that horse you get right back up and you eat that horse! COME EAT THAT HORSE WITH ME GOGETA!!" He exclaimed while holding his hand out.

"What the hell are you on about?!" I said laughing as I grabbed his hand. "But that's easier said than done." I said as I let go of his hand to run it through my hair, determining how to word my next sentence. "The only problem with your idea that the people I love could stop me is the fact that there's -..." I sighed and looked away. "There's only one person in the universe who'd stand a chance at stopping me. My dad acknowledged a long time ago that if worse comes to worse, he'd stop me. And he's way stronger than Whis and Beerus, so that's the only issue. I don't have any sense when my 'other side' comes out. It's not because of rage or anything, it's just when I get to the point that I think the person I'm facing doesn't deserve to live anymore. Which is why I'm terrified to let other people see it." I said as I wrung my hands. Then I smirked.

"Also wife? I thought you were engaged?" I said jokingly referring to something he said.
"I'll invite you to the wedding. Also that's rough, I felt that anger before and I've seen that side before. I wanted to kill someone so badly but it took a lot of Will power to stop myself. Look I don't have the answers but maybe let them know now so when you have to rely on that monster they'll know that they shouldn't fear it. It's what is Saiyans do, we release so we can tame. But it's your voice. I'll see you in the morning." He said. But before he left he pulled me into a hug.

This... He's... this is nice. He's warm.

I hugged him back as we both released a few tears. We stayed like that for awhile. When we let go we went back into my room and he went out the door. We exchanged glances once more. He smiled then he was gone. I sighed and sat down on my bed. I ran a hand through my hair. I noticed it seemed to be a coping mechanism for me now. I fell backwards and stayed like that for a bit.

This is weird... why did I tell him so much about me? I've only known him for a few hours. Do I really trust him that much already? But I can't believe he's had some of the same experiences.

How did he deal with it? How did he overcome it?...

Now that I think about it, the happiest I've ever been is when I faced my mother and finally realized that I don't need her love because I had friends... maybe that's what he meant... maybe, just maybe, they won't look at me different and instead try to help me when I lose control. That'd be amazing. But is it possible?...

I smiled as I thought about my classmates.
Yeah. I think it is. Maybe I can finally get over my irrational fears and finally put some trust into my classmates. After all... I'll be stuck with them for a few more years. And who knows maybe they'll stick around. Maybe things won't be so bad after all. Everything seemed to work out for him. So maybe things can work out for me...

I guess I'll tell them. Not tomorrow though. I'll be to busy tomorrow. Maybe the day after. Yeah. I'll finally tell my classmates that no matter what happens, I'll always be able to protect them.

I smiled again. Then I heard a knock on the door. I groggily got up and opened the door.

Ryoko stood there in shorts yellow and a maroon T-shirt. Her hair was down for once and she wasn't wearing shoes or socks. She smiled at me before coming in.
"I heard you had a nightmare. Or at least that's what Gokhan thinks." She said as she sat down on my bed. I sat next to her.
"Yeah I did." I said. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I slumped into her side.
"I'm guessing you don't need to talk about it then. Considering you've already received therapy from Gokhan. He's a good guy." She said as she rubbed my arm up and down.
"Yeah he did and yeah he is. He's shared some of the same experiences as me, which is nice I guess. One more person I can relate to." I said into her shoulder.

"You can always talk to me." She said chuckling.
"I know but I don't want to burden you with my problems." I mumbled.
"Gogeta. You aren't burdening. I help you because I want to. So you better not push me out or I'll kill you." She said sarcastically.
"Try if you dare." I said mockingly in a sleepy tone.
"Ok you need sleep." She said before standing up. I fell into the bed and mumbled my complaints into the pillow.

"Night." She said teasingly as she closed the door.
Yeah... I know I like her. How could I not?
I smiled to myself before falling asleep. My dreams peaceful. It was nice.

A.N. 2624 words! Yay 2 chapters this weekend! You're lucky. Shadow2190 has Gokhans POV. It's been wonderful working with him. Hope you liked the chapter! I'm taking a nap.