Finals came and went. A few days later it was the day of our results.

When I entered my college on the day of the result ,everyone told me that I stood first in my class. I couldn't believe it until I saw it with my own eyes.

Not because I was so overjoyed, but because I didn't think I had worked hard enough for that. I knew I didn't study as much as I usually did. I didn't understand how I had managed to get 90% with my scatter brain.

It was almost as if I felt guilty for coming first, like I had cheated them into making them believe I was something I no more felt I was.

I wasn't like Rekha, who had dreams of becoming an IAS officer i.e an Indian Administrative Officer and she only concentrated on that. I didn't think I had that kind of dedication in me anymore.

I no more felt the need to hole up in a corner. I wanted to have fun too. I wanted to go out and chill. I too wanted to goof around like Mohit. I wanted to talk to other people and make friends.

These things never seemed important to me before, I always just focused on studying, I still did because my career was important to me but I realized other things were important too.

That's the reason I felt like somehow I wasn't a 'pure' nerd. But the people around me never registered the change in me and continued seeing me as they always did.

Whenever I do something like abruptly make weird noises, or crack some lame ass joke that sometimes landed, sometimes didn't, Vikram and Myra would often tell me to shut up.

Vikram even once told me, "You don't have a life and you'd probably end up marrying your books."

As usual I didn't have a reply to him.
Their comments almost made me feel like I should stick to being the nerd that I was.

Almost.

***

The summer after that was weird.
Myra behaved very nicely with me.
She would often talk to me about wattpad books that were going to be updated and we would speculate what would happen next. We would sometimes discuss Sydney Sheldon books too. It felt like we were friends.

I wasn't the only one though with whom Myra behaved nicely with. Everyday she'd come to 12th grade extra classes with her wet hair down, that were a bit short and devoid of blond highlights. Somehow she managed to look even more prettier than before. Then she would come and sit right next to Mohit. They would talk like they knew each other from ages.

He even commented on how he liked her long hair better. I knew he had a thing for long hair and he liked commenting on everything.

Still. Didn't she have her own boyfriend to sit with? Couldn't she just stick to one guy? I would avoid the pang of jealously I felt and think maybe I was just assuming more than there was.

Sometimes I'd see Myra, Mohit and Anjali talking like nobody else was around, they'd laugh on something one of them said and I'd end up wishing that they would notice me lurking around and include me too in their joke.

It wasn't like they weren't being nice to me, it was just how inclusive they were being.

A couple of times Mohit would notice me seeing things and then he would look at me like he saw through everything I felt. I wished he didn't.

There wasn't anything I could say to them. Myra had finally put down her attitude and was counting on me as a friend.

With Mohit I knew that I didn't have his attention the way I did before, I could slowly see it slipping away, but it wasn't like we were back to being like we were before.

Whenever he needed something like ten bucks (which he often went around asking to other people) or when he'd need my bike keys to go somewhere with the guys in the break, he'd butter me up a lot. For the keys, he sneaked up behind me and  semi massaged my shoulders. It wasn't like I couldn't see through what he was trying to pull off it was just I enjoyed it too much. Sometimes you learn to even love some lies.

***
It was normal summer day with extra classes starting at 8 am. That were often taken by Dixit sir, our physics teacher, who turned up right on time. Followed by Khan sir's class, our math teacher, who often turned up half an hour to one hour late. Like I said, it was normal.

That gave the guys a break to do cause whatever havoc they were planning to and today they had decided to play cricket with nothing but a writing pad and a ball.

And who's head did the ball hit?

Mine.

Who's shot was it?

Mohit's.

He came running towards me and massaged my head for like five whole minutes and kept on repeating, "Sorry, sorry, sorry."

I said "Its okay."

Still he didn't stop massaging my head. Now a normal person would just stick to saying sorry. But he loved going overboard. And I loved the way he massaged my head even though it did not hurt any more.

Seriously the guy should be handed a manual about, 'Things to do and say to girls who like you, but you don't.'

After a while things settled down a bit and everyone was doing their own thing.

I was busy solving physics numericals when Vikram had Myra's phone in his hand and was talking to Mohit, as he showed him something in her phone. I couldn't catch what he was saying, but from his tone and expression, the only thing I inferred was that he was mad at something Mohit had done which also involved Myra.

At once second he was talking to them and the very other second he left the classroom, on his way behind he slammed the door as hard as he could.

I could still feel the sound of the door slamming ringing in my ears till minutes after he left. Needless to say, everyone was shocked. We were all flabbergasted as to why Vikram was so angry.

If only someone could take a wild guess.

I went back to the Math problem that I was solving, but I really wasn't into it anymore.

Half an hour later, Khan sir, our Math teacher, got a call from Vikram's mother who told him that her son was about to commit suicide due to a girl.

Khan sir was really angry when he told Myra that. He called Myra and Mohit in the inner room, where we all initially sat and locked it from inside. We still could still hear bits and pieces of their conversation and what we understood was that Myra and Mohit had sent each other really flirty texts, some of them being really filthy as Khan sir told Myra, "Your language is that of a street girl."

As all this happened around me, I just processed everything. The old numbing pain had gripped me again and I was just too sad to say or feel anything.

Anand and Jai, my other two classmates wanted me to help them with some math problems. I couldn't tell them anything, so I just pretended everything was okay and tried explaining them everything. But I knew I wasn't there, in that moment I was somewhere else. A place that these months I had often learned to live in.

If I felt like this, I couldn't even imagine what Vikram was going through. I wasn't a fan of the guy, but I knew that he really loved Myra.Finding out that Myra and Mohit had a thing going on would have to to be really tough for him. No wonder he thought about suicide. It was a good thing his mother found him when she did.

I had never pegged him for that kind of a guy. He appeared so confident. He had that attitude thing going on for him.Maybe love drives the best of us crazy and breaks us all.

For me, it wasn't as much as him flirting with a girl that bothered me, it was simply that Mohit too had fallen for Myra's charm. No matter what peace I had developed with her, I still couldn't bear it.

I  thought about how I hadn't been a good flirt and obviously he looked around somewhere else......

A month ago he had texted me....

Mohit: It's raining.

Pia : It isn't raining anymore, it stopped raining a while ago.

That text itself is like cold water thrown over someone. The only excuse I have for it is that I had panicked. In my mind, I had developed that our relationship would be nothing but platonic and I wasn't ready for it to be anything more. I didn't want to be just one of the girls he flirted with. I found myself wishing I could go back seize up that one opportunity and do it over.

As I thought over it, Tanya came up to me and said, "Look what this Myra is upto, flirting with Mohit and that guy talking to her in this foul language." Tanya hated Myra as much as I did. And she loved bitching about her as much as I did, no wonder we were best friends.

But when it came to Mohit, my screwed up brain couldn't hear a word and I said,"Its okay. Flirting is normal. A lot of people flirt and talk shit. They were probably fooling around and didn't mean anything by it."

As I said it, I tried to convince myself that it was okay and I wanted somehow for all of it to make sense and for me to not detest both Myra and him.

A second after I was done talking to Tanya, I turned to look if Jai needed my help, and saw Mohit sitting right behind me. The expression on his face told me that he had heard every single word.

He didn't say anything, nor did I.

That day my pain and sadness followed me wherever I went. They were now more cyclic than my periods.