I hate myself.

I did a terrible thing yesterday. Something I didn't know I was capable of. After I had carelessly had an outburst in front of all the boys and the staff, Jin comforted me. He took me to his dressing room, calmed me down and I fell asleep. It was all fine until I had that dream. 

I dreamt of kissing Jin, my best friend who I don't think is even slightly interested in me. I don't know what came over me, I can't say I don't find him attractive, obviously I do but he's my best friend for the love of god! 

"Aera? You good?", Jin asked brushing my hair back. I was lying with him on the couch, his hands in my hair, my head on his chest as I listened to the calming and even thumping of his heart. I hummed adjusting my neck to look up at him. He smiled at my unusual behaviour and raised his brows. 

My eyes travelled down south from his eyes to his lips. 

Those pouty, doll like lips. 

I could feel the inner me trying to tell me to quit staring but I just couldn't. They just looked so soft, I couldn't help but touch them. Without thinking of the consequences, I raised my fingers and used the thumb to run over his bottom lip. His breathing visibly changed and he gulped taking note of every movement of my eyes. 

"Jin I-", I was about to apologize when he wrapped his delicate fingers around my wrist pushing my hand down and leaned down to place a quick peck on my cheek. I breathed out softly closing my eyes when I realized I must've seemed like a creep right now. 

"Do you wanna talk now? Or is it gonna take another coffee?", he asked chuckling slightly as he squished me against his chest completely. 

"There's nothing to say about it Jin, they took my job away. That's it." 

He sat up straight on the couch and even though I was completely in opposition to that action, I sat up with him facing him directly. There was no way I was gonna tell him what I was thinking, he would be uncomfortable as hell but me staring at his lips constantly must've been equally uncomfortable too. 

"Please tell me Aera, this is not how friendships work. You shouldn't keep such things away from me," I sighed closing my eyes for a brief moment and gave in to his pleadings. 

"TheysaidIneedtoleavebecauseIwasbringingthecompanybadpublicity." 

"Wha- Oh," his face fell completely as he realized and interpreted the words I just spilled out of my mouth. 

"Don't worry, once Bang PD releases that statement, all their doubts would be cleared," I quickly assured not wanting to get him upset when he was already so exhausted from the past continuous concerts. He heaved out a loud sigh and closed his eyes craning his head back while my eyes followed the shape of his throat, the frontal column making me feel things. 

It wasn't like I didn't like boys but I preferred girls more. I had only dated girls before but I did make out with a guy so finding Jin attractive wasn't something too unusual. He was gorgeous and there was no denying it but that was the only thing holding me back. 

He was a little too gorgeous for me. He could get any girl he'd want left or right, heck he could get any guy left or right. There was no way he was interested in me but that didn't mean I can't look. These are my eyes after all. 

"You're staring," he stated still with his head tilted back narrowing his gaze at me. 

"You're staring and you probably didn't listen to whatever I was saying," I looked down in embarrassment pursing my lips together but he just let out a shy giggle. 

"Don't worry, I was just saying that you're right about the statement thing but don't you think it'll be better to say you're just a staff member and then you actually start working with us?" 

I clashed my brows together with a slow nod thinking over the offer. I mean what could possibly go wrong, right? It would be a even better option but my previous job has Jamie. This way I'd lose all my chances of talking to her but I would also get to spend more time with Jin. 

"If you're worrying about Jamie, wouldn't it be even better if you both date without your work relationship meddling in between?", he said with a firm tone but there was slight bitterness to it. 

I completely understand his bitterness, he would want to spend more time with his best friend too. 

"Right, don't be mad about it, you're more important than her," I chuckled getting up from the couch to cook him dinner. He grabbed my wrist stopping me right in front of him and I cocked my head asking him what was up silently. 

"Your phone," he said placing the device in my head which now had no social media apps. It was getting too toxic so I deleted everything in the morning by my own. 

"What're you doing anyway? It was so cozy here," he yawned standing in front of me and stretching his arms up. I shrugged pointing to the kitchen with my thumb. 

"This looks really good on you," he complimented holding the fabric of the hoodie in his fingers and I thanked him happily, continuing to walk to the kitchen. 

"I'm hungry," he mumbled following me even though I knew he was completely exhausted. 

"I know bubba that's why I'm making you dinner," I said without turning back around to look at him but I could tell he was blushing. When we had just become friends, I had misunderstood it. I thought he had a crush on me but it was a bit too unreal to believe and now It's just clear that he's a shy person because if he had a crush, which he doesn't, he would've obviously done something about it by now. 

I sighed mentally making a note not to overthink his gestures ever again and bent down to pull out the pan. I placed the pan on the stove adding the ingredients while humming to a tune I had overheard Jin play in his studio during the day. He giggled behind me, obviously catching onto the fact that I heard it proceeding to standing right beside me. 

"I see you heard it, can you hear everything from outside the studio?", he asked playfully as he leaned on the counter with one elbow. I rasped a chuckle looking at him for a second before getting back to cooking. 

"Tell me what else you heard," He asked strictly and I narrowed my eyes at him in challenge. He did his infamously cute 'angry' stare which had me giggling but he just whined in response. 

"Tell meeeeee," I shrugged teasing him even though I had heard nothing else reaching behind his arm which was on the counter to pick up the box of spices. 

"So you won't tell me what else you heard?", he asked again, this time caging me in his arms from behind. I chuckled shaking my head as a 'no'. He grunted turning me around by my shoulders and I held up the spatula in my hand as a defense weapon to his stare. 

"Let's see how you won't tell me," He challenged launching his hands on my waist tickling me. I giggled loudly pushing at his chest but him being stronger continued to tickle me. 

"O-kay, wait, oh my god, I'm telling you," I squealed asking him to stop and he finally did. 

"Nothing Jinnie, I heard nothing else," I assured him placing my hands on his chest. 

"Except that one time you were moaning!"