Winter 2001 

New Years Eve

"What the hell?"

We leap apart, literally leap. Olly is stammering out a bunch of sorrys, and I squeeze my eyes shut. I can't see her. I can't look at her face right now.

"This can't be real, please, why!?" She's crying...

Oh, good god, she's crying. What do I do? What have I done?

"We never meant for this to happen like... It was all just sudden and-" Olly is stammering as I stand there like a fool with my eyes closed. I bravely open them, bracing myself for the anger in Brandi's eyes.

However, she's not looking at me, she's focused solely on Olly. Her teary, heartbroken face nearly breaks me, too.

I'd give anything right now to go back in time. Five, ten minutes? All I had to do was tell him to end things with her and then come to me. But no... I had to have that midnight kiss, and now I've broken my best friend. A moment ago, I was drunk on vodka and hope, and now I'm suddenly feeling totally sober and guilt-ridden. I kind of want to throw up, but my stomach is tied so tightly in a knot I don't think I could.

"Nothing you can say can make this right," Brandi sobs. "Nothing!"

"B, I know I can't make it right, but please know I didn't mean to hurt you. I never thought this could happen and-" Olly pleads.

"Stop. Just stop," she sobs as she cuts him off. "You don't get to call me that anymore."

"I'm so sorry," he whimpers as his eyes fill with tears. I feel my own cheeks growing wet. When did I start crying?

"Olly, you were the good guy. You weren't supposed to be like him, but you are. You're the one who told me I'm worth more than that. You made me believe that, and then you did this.... It was all a lie."

"Nothing I told you was a lie."

"Yeah, right," she shoots back. "You know Wade said once, that I'm not the kind of girl that's someone's girlfriend. I'm the kind of girl you have a good time with, and being dramatic doesn't look good on me."

"And he's the world's biggest asshole. Those are the lies, Brandi. You are worth more than that, and you are the kind of girl any guy would love to be with."

"Oh, come off it. I'm sick of your stupid words that don't mean shit. You know what, Olly? You're worse than Wade!" She cries out and he visibly flinches at that.

"No!" I cry out. "He isn't, I am. This isn't his fault. None of it is his fault, Brandi. It's mine, it's all mine."

"It takes two people to kiss like that," she still hasn't looked away from Olly, whose face is shadowed with guilt.

"I know it does, but I swear to you this is on me," I say, and finally, her reddened gaze turns to me. "I've been trying to fight these feelings for a while now, and tonight, I couldn't stop myself. Olly came in here to check on me, and I cornered him. I practically forced him to kiss me."

"Kinsey, no, you-" Olly starts.

I cut him off with a quick look, and he takes a small step back with an understanding flickering in his eyes. It's better she be pissed at me right now than feeling like the crap Wade told her was true.

How could I have done this to her after everything she went through?

"How could you do this to me?" She asks as if reading my mind, her tears are slowing, and her eyes are filling with anger.

Suddenly, the excuse of, I knew that you knew he liked me, doesn't seem like it matters, not one darn bit.

"There is no excuse," I say instead. "I was being selfish. I wasn't thinking about you. I was thinking about what I wanted, and I'm so sorry that I hurt you."

"But you're not sorry you kissed my boyfriend?" She hisses.

"I... I'm sorry I kissed him while he was still your boyfriend," I say carefully. "It wasn't right."

"While?" She folds her arms over her chest defensively. "Right. Okay, so what are you saying, Kinsey?"

"I-"

"Don't bother, I got it" Brandi cuts me off.

"You had your fun, Brandi, but I'm taking my Olly back now," her words drip with venom as she mocks me. "Never mind that I had Gabe practically in love with me, and never mind my feelings for Hunter - because I want Olly now, so, oh well."

"You know she'll never get over him," she looks at Olly again. "You'll always be second best."

"That is not true!" I cry out. "Olly, it isn't."

His eyes meet mine, and I see the doubt in them, and all I want to do is kiss it away.

"Shut up, Kinsey, just-" she pauses for a moment like she's trying to find the words, and then she yells out. "I hate you! I hate you both!"

She turns and runs out the door, slamming it hard behind her. I start to go after her, but Olly grabs my arm.

"You need to give her time. You'll only make this worse."

"But we can't leave her alone. She's so hurt," I protest.

"I need to be the one to talk to her," he says quietly. "I can't make it better, but I don't want her to feel ...darn it, Kinz. I can't believe I cheated on her after everything Wade did with other girls around her."

"I know," I bite my lip, which is still tingling from that kiss. "We really messed up, Olly."

"You don't... regret it, do you?" He asks in a hesitant voice.

"No," I assure him fiercely. "Not the kiss, but I hate that it hurt her like it did. I hate that she saw it. I was so stupid. I should've known she'd be looking for you."

"I have to make her understand it's not her. She was so down on herself after Wade," Olly says guiltily.

Way to screw up our first kiss. What is wrong with me?

"What just happened?" Gabe walks in, looking from Olly to me with wide eyes. "Brandi just took off crying and running. The girls are trying to catch her... but she's fast as hell. What...oh."

He puts it together, I think, when he sees our teary faces.

"I know where she's going," Olly says. "She likes to go sit at the park on the swings. It reminds her of when her dad used to push her on the swings before he got too busy for them."

"Go," I tell him.

"Kinsey, you can't be here when she gets back," Olly says.

"I'll bring her home," Gabe offers.

"You've been drinking," Olly argues.

"I've had two beers and been nursing my last one for over an hour. I didn't want to get too drunk tonight with Kelly.... never mind. The point is I'm fine. I'll bring Kinz home, Olly. Go find Brandi."

"Okay," Olly still looks hesitant.

"Just go, Olly, I'll be fine," I assure him.

"Okay," he gulps.

"Come see me tomorrow, okay, and we'll talk?" I ask in a softer voice, and his eyes light up for a moment.

"I will. I... good night, Kinsey."

"Night, Olly," I could smile despite it all.

Good God, what is wrong with me?

"You okay?" Gabe asks once Olly leaves.

"Better than Brandi is, but no," I groan. "I really messed up. She saw us kissing."

"When I told you to figure things out with those guys. I didn't mean like that," Gabe teases, and I shoot him a dark look.

"Too soon?" He asks.

"Way too soon," I grumble, "not funny."

"Sorry," He shrugs sheepishly. "She'll be okay, Kinz. Maybe not right away, but eventually. She had to know this could happen. I mean, I did. I was smart enough to get out before it did, no offense."

"Yeah, none taken, but still..." I sigh.

"What about Hunter?" Gabe asks.

"Hunter doesn't like me in that way."

"Right," Gabe scoffs.

"He doesn't," I argue. "He's the one that told me about Olly's feelings for me. He encouraged me to talk to him."

"If you say so. Come on," Gabe takes my arm, and we head towards the door, it's weirdly comforting, the familiarity of it. "Let's get you home, Farmgirl."

"Gabe.." I say softly as we reach his car and come to a stop.

"Yeah?"

"You know you can do better than Kelly, right?"

He sighs, "Yeah, but -"

"No buts. Your friends are your friends, and I get that, but don't let them drag you down and do things you don't want to do."

"Yeah.. you're right," he agrees with a sad smile, "now let's go before the evil cheerleaders come back."

I am so scared of what's going to be waiting for me at school when we get back from holiday break. 

***

New Year's Day 2001

It's bright as hell in my room when I wake up the next day, and I groan and shove the pillow over my throbbing head. How do I even have a hangover when I felt so sober after Brandi walked in on us?

Brandi. I hope she's okay, I hope Olly helped at least somewhat.

Olly... all thoughts leave my brain other than that magical kiss last night and despite the guilt and the headache, I'm smiling.

I get up and out of bed and it looks to be at least ten or so judging on how bright it is. As I walk past my dresser, something catches my eye. The Never-ending Story book is sitting on my dresser... Olly had taken it back recently to reread it.

I step over to my dresser and notice a little note sticking out of the book. I pull it out and start grinning wider as I read it.

Hey, sleepy. I didn't want to wake you, so I'm creepily writing a note at your bedside. If that doesn't scare you away, will you meet me in the barn when you get up? We should talk. Is what is scribbled on the note. It's torn from a notepad with a little monkey at the bottom holding a sign that says, take a message.

My belly is erupting in butterflies. He came right over today, even though his parents are having a New Year's party today with tons of food.

How long ago did he leave this? Shit, what if he leaves?

"He's not going to leave," I tell myself as I grab the first dress I see and race into the bathroom to hurry and get ready.

It takes me less than ten minutes to get ready, and I'm running out the door. I'm so nervous that my heart could burst out of my chest. My keds make the cold January ground slippery, and I nearly bite it before I make it to the barn door.

My hand shakes as I slowly open the door. It creaks so loud I swear the whole town must hear it. I step inside, and it falls shut behind me.

My mouth drops open. It's cleaned. Well, as clean as it's been in years, all swept out. And in the corner is a little setup, but my eyes fall on Olly, who's standing in the center of the room, looking nervous as all hell.

He's dressed in a thin button-down checkered shirt tucked into a pair of loose-fitted jeans and white Nikes. His hair is combed over to the side, with those little pieces I love fighting the part.

"You cleaned the barn, and you're....um, hi," I say with a nervous giggle as I fold my arms over myself.

Why didn't I put a coat on? Did I even look in the mirror before I came out?

I hope I look alright...

"Hi," he grins as I step a little closer.

All my bravado from last night seemed to rest solely in the hands of the vodka because right now I am so nervous. I don't know what to do or say.

"You're shaking! Are you cold? Here" He shrugs off his coat and hands it to me.

"Thanks." I feel an instant warmth as I shrug it on.

"Why are you wearing a summer dress in January?"

That's all it takes, and I feel calmer. That one silly question reminds me he is just Olly. The same Olly I have known my whole life, I feel myself slowly relaxing.

"You're the one that picked the barn," I point out.

"And look at this setup!" He gestures to the barn, and I finally take it all in addition to the barn being swept out and cleaned up. A hay bale sits in the corner with two quilts over it, and next to it is an old crate set up with a picnic basket of food, a bottle of strawberry wine, and two glasses.

"You did great." I am impressed, and he beams.

"You shouldn't have done all this, actually," I say with a sheepish look. "I have to admit, I got your note, threw on the first dress I saw, and ran out here."

He laughs, "I didn't do as much as you think. On my way out the door, I grabbed the food and wine off the counter from my mom's New Year's party. The blankets were in my trunk, and sweeping the barn didn't take long."

"Don't you go discrediting your romantic act now," I scold in a teasing voice. "But that does explain why we have Boone's Farm wine."

"I figured this was the one bottle she wouldn't miss. But..." He takes a step closer. "We're not here to talk about bad wine and how pretty you are in inappropriate dresses or even how surprisingly good I am at romantic gestures."

"We're not?" I tease as I tilt my head.

"Nope." His voice is playful, but as our eyes lock, the air grows heavy with nervous energy and unsaid words waiting to be said.

"Then tell me, Olly, what are we in here to talk about?"

"You and me," he whispers. "Kinsey, I'm sorry I screamed it at you, but I meant those words last night, I'm in love with you."

"Olly," my eyes well with tears as I whimper his name.

"Don't say it yet unless you're sure, Kinz. It's okay if you're still figuring it out. I don't want to pressure you in any way. I just... after Hunter, I assumed I'd never have this chance, and-" He's talking fast, and I can see how nervous he is, so I rest my hands on his shoulders, and he stops.

"Olly," I say softly. "I always loved you like a best friend, but at the end of summer, I felt something much more, and... I didn't know if it was because I was feeling protective with Brandi or if it was because I was starting to fall in love with you beyond a friend. I was scared of the feelings, and I tried to push them away, but they wouldn't go away."

As I pause to gather my thoughts, a shade of doubt twitches in my heart. We have known each other so long. What if this is a mistake? But even if it is I can't imagine my heart is going to let me walk away now.

"I know now that it's much more, and I want to fall in love with you, too," I confess anyway. "I want to be together."

"And so do I," he wraps his arms around me, letting them rest loosely around the small of my back; as our lips meet, it's softer, sweeter than the kiss last night, and we both take our time to savor it.

"But Olly," my voice cracks lightly. "Let's go sit down."

He takes my hand and leads me over to the corner; as I sit down on the crate, he pours us each a glass of the strawberry wine and then hands mine to me.

My eyes light up as I sip it. "This is actually really good; you might even like it."

Olly isn't much of a drinker at all. He hates the taste of most booze, but he has a major sweet tooth, and this is sweet.

"Let's see," he makes a show of it, swirling it, smelling it, and then sipping it. "Very good, tasting notes of strawberry and sugar."

We both laugh as he comes and sits next to me.

"So why, the, but Olly?" he asks. "We want to be together, right? So...?"

"I'm worried," I confess. "Those months that Hunter are I weren't talking really sucked. But you and me, it would be even worse because we literally have been best friends since before, we could even walk. If something happens and we aren't friends anymore. I don't know if I could handle that."

"Already planning on breaking up with me before we even make it official?" He jokes.

"You're defecting," I press my tone soft but firm. "This is...the one thing that... I'm terrified of, and I don't want to be. I want so bad to feel like we did last night when it all just..."

"Clicked, it clicked, Kinsey, and it still does," he says softly.

"I know it did, and I don't want to be crippled with worries about what if this or that happens, but I am. I can't have a world without you in it, Olly. I can't, and I'm so scared of that happening."

"You know why we're in the barn?" He scoots closer to me, and his intense gaze holds me in place. "Because this is where we spent so many summer days, hiding out and reading books, sometimes even just laying around for hours talking about nothing."

"Yeah," a soft smile washes over my face. "We grew up together in this barn."

"This is our spot, and I feel like that means something."

I'm taken aback at the symbolism of it as I swallow a lump in my throat.

"It always will be, just like we always will be. We're best friends first and always," Olly declares, washing my worries away with his beautiful words.

"You have to promise me," I say firmly. "You have to swear that'll never change. No matter what happens with us, we'll always find our way back here to each other. Please, I need you to promise it."

"I promise you, Kinsey," he says. "Always."

"Then that's all I need to hear," I say, and our lips collide again in a strawberry flavored kiss.

**

We spend the entire rest of the afternoon in the barn, talking, kissing, telling old Kinz and Olly adventure stories for old times' sake, and, of course, more kissing.

Finally, we both pull ourselves away from each other when Olly's mom starts calling his cell, wondering where he is. I realize my parents may be wondering, too. But they probably saw Olly's car by now and figure we're in here.

"You can come over if you want," Olly offers. "The New Years party is an all-day thing, and my mom's going to have a huge spread for dinner."

"I'm in," I agree, then cringe. "But Brandi..."

"She lives close. She's going to see you at my place," Olly sighs. "We will just have to do our best to avoid her and definitely not shove it in her face. I feel terrible still."

"Me too," I agree. "How did it go with her last night?"

"It was rough. In the end, she was really pissed, which is better, I think, than blaming herself or whatever. She said she doesn't want to talk to either of us. She wants us to leave her alone."

"Forever?" My voice breaks. I lost her... I deserve it. I know this, but it still sucks.

"I don't know, Love," he says sadly. "Maybe she'll change her mind in time, but for now, we should avoid her."

"What did you call me?" My lips twist into a smile as I cock my head.

"Uh... yeah, was that, okay?" he blushes as he realizes it.

"It was more than okay. It was really sweet!" I am grinning again, and so is he. I furrow my eyebrows as I consider what I should call him. Babe maybe? But does that fit him?

No, it doesn't...

"Are you trying to think up a pet name for me?" Olly guesses.

"Yeah," I confess, and he tips his head back and laughs.

"Oh Kinsey. I don't need a pet name. You already gave me one, remember? You came up with Olly when we were four."

"I know, but everyone else calls you that too." I frown.

"And every time I hear it, it reminds me of you. The one who gave it to me, and I love it."

"Olly!" I cry out. "Really?"

"Really... Love," he says, and the next thing I know, we're making out again until his phone starts ringing. Cell phones are annoying as heck. I don't even want one anymore.

"We better go," I say, and we actually get up this time.

Olly grabs my hand and holds it in his as we leave the barn. As we get outside, he takes my hand and kisses it. I'm giggling once again. I can't seem to stop doing that today.

"Oh."

We stop short as we come face to face with Hunter, who is standing there staring at us like a deer in headlights.

"Uh hey, Hunter," Olly says.

"Hey..." Hunter shoves his hands in his pockets quickly. Wait, did he have something in his hand before?

"Hi Hunter, Happy New Year," I offer.

"Yeah, you too," He's backing up slowly. "So, is this a thing now?"

"Yeah, I guess it is," I smile at that as Olly squeezes my hand.

"Congrats then, I'm happy for you," he looks from me to Olly. "Both."

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"It's... not important," he says with a small smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Happy New Year. I'll catch y'all later."

He turns and dashes off, and I frown after him.

"That was weird," I comment. "Why would he come over just to leave?"

"Probably trying to leave us alone," Olly shrugs it off. "Come on, let's go tell your folks we're heading to my house for the party."

Olly pulls me towards the house, and I follow, but I can't shake the nagging feeling about what Hunter wanted to talk about.