Sept 2001 

As Olly pulls up to the school at the start of junior year. I feel different this year than any other. No nervous anticipation. I didn't even spend hours overthinking my outfit and kept it simple with a pair of short jean shorts, my wedge sandals, and an oversized orange top with a flowy feel to it.

Freshman year was scary and confusing, trying to find my way. Dealing with hormones and my body changing while trying to handle my overwhelming crush on Hunter, and then missing Brandi after our fallout.... meanwhile still keeping my grades up.

Sophomore year was an emotional roller coaster, to put it mildly. It was the year I had my first heartbreak, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and my first breakup. The year I found I had feelings for both my best friends. The second and worse fallout with Brandi and, of course, the bullying. It was like emerging from a literal battle, sophomore year.

Somehow, though, I made it through it all, and then I spent the summer in bliss with Olly.

We have a hard time keeping our hands off each other these days. When he pulled up today in his brand new Aeropostale shirt and those cargo shorts that show off his tanned calves, I nearly dragged him into the barn and skipped school. If it wasn't day one, I might have.

I'm excited for this year, though, really excited.

I have more friends than I ever did, and Olly and I are happier than ever. We don't have to start worrying about colleges and the future yet, although Olly is a little. But I refuse to go there when he starts on it. We don't really have to have those talks until next year. Why stress now?

This year gets to be... fun. Just fun.

As Olly and I head up towards the entrance, we see Erin walking in as well. She sees us and offers a small smile. She's dressed in a pleated skirt and white blouse with a pair of black Mary Jane's and knee-high tights. She always looks so perfectly put together. Hunter says she wants to model after high school.

Despite Olly's prediction, Hunter continued seeing Erin after the Fourth of July. We even had a few double dates with them. They were a little awkward, though. I've been trying to bond with Erin, but we don't click like I do with Brandi or Zoe. I'm proud of how not jealous I've been about the two of them though. Sure, I might occasionally feel a twitch of annoyance when he touches her, but like a twitch. It doesn't even count.

"Hi Erin," Olly greets her as I return her smile.

"I thought you were getting a ride with Hunter, Olly?" Erin asks, looking confused.

"No, I have a car, and Kinz and I always ride together," Olly says as he slips his arm around me. "Why did you think that?"

"He said he was riding in with a buddy today," she says. "I assumed he meant you."

"I bet he meant Zoe," Olly says, and I light up with an excited grin.

"Zoe! It's got to be!" I cheer. I miss her so much. She's been gone the entire summer. We've talked a few times, but she's been very busy, and I am really anxious to find out what or actually who has her so busy. I could tell the last time we talked, she met someone. She was damn near giddy, and Zoe is never giddy.

"Zoe?" Erin's face falls, and her lip lips twist into a frown. "I thought she moved or something?"

"Just for the summer," I clarify.

"Last year, everyone said she and Hunter were hooking up." A shadow crosses Erin's face.

"People just assumed that. They never hooked up," I promise Erin, but she still looks doubtful.

I'd never tell Zoe's secret, but hopefully, once Erin meets her and sees her with Hunter, she'll see it's all good.

Brandi pulls in, and parks, and she and Billy both get out.

"Yo Billy over here!" Laine calls from across the lot. As Billy starts running towards Laine, he nearly knocks over a small redheaded girl who is walking towards the building too, she drops her bag, and everything falls out of it.

"Watch yourself, you big doofus," Brandi snickers at Billy and then leaves them, he shoots her a dirty look and then kneels down to help the girl.

"Hey guys," Brandi says as she joins us.

"Hi, Brandi!" I give her a quick hug.

"Hey, B," Olly says.

"I like your shoes," Brandi says to Erin.

"Oh, thanks," Erin says. "Cute skirt."

"Thanks!" Brandi spins around happily in her tiny jean skirt. "We should go shopping sometime, all of us girls."

"Yeah, sure," Erin agrees.

Hunter's rusty car comes speeding recklessly into the parking lot, and Erin looks over sharply at it. Those old promises he made my dad to drive safely get further and further away from him. He makes me so nervous. The only time he doesn't speed is when me or Erin is in his car.

He parks close to the doors where we're all standing, and I start running over towards Hunter's car when I see Zoe get out.

"Zoe!"

She looks a little taller and is so tan! Her hair is no longer pink, now it's black with thick purple streaks, and she has a new skull eyebrow piercing, too. I run over and throw my arms around her before she can stop me. She laughs as she gives me a very quick hug back.

"Okay, enough of that," she says as she pulls away, but she's smiling, too.

"Bring it in!" Brandi holds her arms out, and Zoe ducks out of her hug.

"I told you, only Kinz is allowed to do that, and only because she's too fast to dodge," Zoe stops her, and all three of us laugh.

"Only me?" I ask as I raise an eyebrow at her. "So there was no one to hug in California?"

"You sure seemed chipper when we last called you," Brandi joins me in a teasing voice.

"I was not chipper," Zoe denies.

"Were too," I argue. "So..?"

"Spill!" Brandi demands.

"Now!" I add.

"Later," Zoe says as she looks past us. "That Hunter's new girl?"

"Yeah, Erin. Come on."

As we walk over, Hunter speaks up, "Zoe, this is Erin, Erin- Zoe."

"Hi, Erin. Nice to meet you," Zoe says politely.

"Hi," Erin offers something of a smile as she looks at Zoe, but she looks really annoyed when her gaze shifts to Hunter. "Can we head in now, Hunter? I want to get to my first class early."

"Yeah, of course, Babe," Hunter says and then looks at us. "I'll see y'all around."

"Later," Olly says.

He slips an arm around her, and they start talking quietly as they walk inside.

"If looks could kill," Zoe comments, with a fake shudder.

"I think she's a little jealous of Hunter and you," I tell her, and Zoe snorts with laughter.

"Well, y'all sold it well," I defend. "I get why she thinks it; everyone did."

"What are you going do now?" Olly asks. "Everyone's going to know you two aren't a thing this year."

"I don't know," Zoe sighs. "I'm so sick of hiding it, but..."

"Shelby's gone," Brandi says and Zoe's eyes light up.

"Really?"

"Yeah, her dad got transferred to another state. Billy is like so relieved," Brandi says. "He legit hated her towards the end."

"Then why was he still with her?" Olly asks.

"I think he scared to break up with her," Brandi says then shifts her attention back to Zoe. "Anyway, Shelby is the worst of 'em, really. I bet... without her, they might not even care. And you know what if they do? Screw them."

"I want to say screw them, I really do, Brandi, but..." Zoe trails off again. 

"I know," Brandi says softly.

It's so hard to say what the kids here would do. I want to hope in my heart they wouldn't judge her like we don't, but sadly that's not usually what happens. Knowing what happened to Zoe at her old school, makes that unknown so scary.

"Look, there's another option for me," Zoe says. "Let's talk later, okay? I need both your advice on something."

"Sure, y'all can come to my house after school if you want," Brandi says as we walk inside.

"I'm in," I agree, anxious to uncover what's going on in Zoe's world.

"Kinsey, we were going to go to the farm after school," Olly reminds me with a nudge. We slow our steps some letting Brandi and Zoe get ahead of us.

"I'll come over to your house after I leave Brandi's, and then we'll go to the farm."

"But you didn't ask me if I was okay with changing plans," Olly says slowly.

What? Since when does he care? He always goes along with whatever. I glance at him, and he looks a little tense. I guess it has mostly been he and I all summer, being back at school with all our friends again will be an adjustment.

"I got excited about Zoe being home, but this works better, because if we go to the farm later..." I lean closer to whisper in his ear. "My parents will be all settled in watching TV, and we can sneak off to the barn."

The tension leaves his face, replaced by a sly grin. "In that case.... Loving the change of plans."

Olly takes my hand in his as we hustle to catch up with Zoe and Brandi.

Brandi drives us back to her place after school, and I notice an unfamiliar car parked in the driveway.

"Billy, finally get a car?" I ask.

"No," Brandi laughs. "The dumb ass got picked up at a party this summer for drinking underage, and now my mom is making him pay for his own if he wants one."

Zoe snickers a little, she's not much of a fan of Billy or anyone in his crowd, really. 

"I wonder whose here?" Brandi questions. 

We step inside, and Brandi drops her backpack on the floor as she leads us into the kitchen. We all pretty much stop short in shock when we see Billy at the kitchen table. His math book is open and that same redheaded girl from this morning is sitting next to him, looking over it with him.

"Hey!" The girl looks up, her blue eyes bright as she flashes a cheerful smile. "I'm Stephanie."

"Hi," I offer, returning her infectious grin. "I'm Kinsey, this is Brandi and Zoe."

"Weren't you the girl Billy almost knocked over this morning?" Brandi asks.

"Yup!" Stephanie says with a laugh. "Then we ended up in the same math class, and they assigned me as Billy's tutor."

"They said I have to keep a B average this year to stay on the team, it's so stupid," Billy mutters.

"If you want to play college football you're going to need to pull better grades," Stephanie boldly tells Billy who just makes a face.

"Are you new? You look kinda familiar, but... I don't know you," Brandi leans against the counter as she studies Stephanie.

"Not new, no. I'm a sophomore."

"You take junior-level classes already?" I ask with wide eyes.

"Yeah, she's smarter than Olly even," Billy says, looking as impressed as I am.

"Olly Stone?" Stephanie asks. "I just joined the mathletes this year, and he's like a legend!"

My heart bursts with pride as I say, "he sure is."

"Awe," Brandi gushes. "Kinz is Olly's girlfriend," she explains to Stephanie.

"Math legend, that's adorable," Zoe laughs.

"Shush, it is adorable," I hush her.

"He's not doing the math club this year. He's trying some new electives out," I explain to Stephanie who nods knowingly.

"Makes sense. You have got to be as well-rounded as possible for the Ivys. I'm aiming for Yale. What's Olly's school of choice?"

Ugh... I hate this topic.

"Harvard," I say. All the way out in Boston, it might as well be on the other side of the planet and my optimal school is as close to home as possible. So yeah, I really hate this topic and would like to avoid it as long as possible. 

"That's probably my second choice," Stephanie agrees. "My mom went to Yale though so, fingers crossed. I'm planning on majoring in biomedical."

"You already know what you're majoring in?" I ask, totally bewildered by the girl, she's like Olly-plus or something.

"I always knew I wanted to get into the health field, but not sure in what capacity yet," Stephanie says. "Psychology appeals to me too, I'll probably minor in that and decide during college where I end up."

"Wow, you're so ambitious," Zoe says, looking as stunned as me, and I glance at Billy to see he's sort of... gazing at Stephanie like he's really impressed, too. He must sense my eyes on him because he suddenly shifts his gaze back to his math book.

"I guess so, but honestly, I just always liked learning stuff, solving problems, researching. Those are my hobbies," Stephanie says as she points to a page in Billy's book. "And now tutoring... Billy, what's the equation here?"

His face is totally blank, and I can see he has no clue, I get it. Math is... so annoying. I really hope Olly can get me through algebra this year because even after day one, I am nervous about passing it.

"I'll explain it again. Will you listen this time?" Stephanie says scoldingly.

"Can't you just do it for me?" Billy whines.

"Nope, that's not what a tutor does," she says firmly. "Now sit up straight, that helps. I am not going over this a third time."

"I guess we better let them get back to it," Brandi says as she motions for Zoe and me to follow her.

"Nice meeting you all!" Stephanie calls after us in her perky tone.

Once we make our way to Brandi's bedroom, she shuts the door and looks at us with an excited grin.

"Did you see that? My brother is totally crushing on her!" Brandi gushes. "He couldn't keep his eyes off her."

"Yeah, he's a goner," Zoe agrees.

"She seems cool. So smart," I comment, and the girls both nod in agreement.

I plop down on Brandi's bed. She's got a hot pink and black comforter with Britney Spears in cursive across the whole front of it, to go with all her Britney and NSYNC posters, it's super fluffy and comfy to sit on. Brandi comes and sits next to me. Zoe sits down across from the bed, facing us from the chair that sits in front of her makeup vanity table.

"Speaking of girls..." I say slowly with a look towards Zoe, and Brandi sits up.

"Spill the beans!" Brandi cries out.

"I met someone," Zoe admits, and Brandi and I cheer while Zoe cringes.

"Stop you are both so embarrassing," Zoe complains. "Anyway, it was all very chill, we just instantly vibed and ended up spending nearly every day together."

"What does she look like?" Brandi asks.

"Tall, dark, and beautiful?" Zoe says with a laugh. "I know so cheesy, but she is really tall, and she has beautiful dark skin that's flawless, she doesn't even need a stitch of makeup."

"So, she doesn't dress all emo too?" Brandi asks.

"I don't dress emo, it's goth," Zoe huffs. "And no, she has a hippie-like style, loves long skirts and tank tops, she never wears a bra either. I got caught staring a few times."

Brandi and I both laugh at that.

"What's her name?"

"Tess," Zoe says with a soft but sad look in her eyes.

"She sounds perfect!" I declare. "Why are you all sad?"

"Because she is perfect, but now I'm here, and she's there, and I don't know. I mean long, distance shit doesn't work, right? But at least it was a fun summer."

"Who says it can't work?" I say with a frown.

"Yeah," Brandi agrees. "If you both want it enough. You can make it work."

"Enough for what? To see each other once a year, at best?" Zoe questions. "I'm the one taking the risks in a long-distance thing with Tess 'cause she's got other options there."

"You have to trust her, it's the only way it could work–" As I start talking so does Brandi cutting me off.

"You can't let her know you don't have other options," Brandi is saying. "Don't give her the upper hand or you'll never get it back."

"It's not like a game to win or lose, Brandi," Zoe says. "This is a girl I like a lot. I don't want other options."

"I know it's not but I'm just saying..." Brandi trails off as Zoe gives her a weird look.

"You said you needed our advice on something?" I ask Zoe, and her face goes serious as she takes a breath.

"Yeah.. this sort of goes beyond Tess. My dad said I can move in if I want, and I fucking loved California. I had so much fun, I met my half-brother, and he's such a funny kid. Then, of course, I met Tess and her friends. I finally found other gay people, and for once, I felt like I belonged...I don't know what to do."

"You do know. You want to do it, don't you?" I guess gently. "Move in with your dad?"

"It's okay," Brandi adds. "I get it. I would, too."

"Me too," I say.

"But my mom... " Zoe says as her lips twist into a frown. "When my dad left my mom to pursue his dreams of being an artist, it broke her heart. It was just her I and until Judd, how could I leave her now?"

"It's not leaving her," I say softly. "Don't think of it like that. It's leaving her house, but you can talk to and visit her whenever you want.  I know your mom would want you happy more than anything."

We've met Zoe's mom Lynn on a handful of occasions now, and she is the sweetest woman ever, and Judd her stepdad and Hunter's boss is the coolest. 

"I need to think about it some more," Zoe says, but I can see where she's leaning. "I know my mom will understand, but I also know it'll hurt her."

"You're so lucky," Brandi says with a sad sigh. "You too, Kinz. I wish I could talk to my mom about stuff."

"Her and your dad still working constantly?" Zoe asks.

"I swear it's all they care about," Brandi huffs. "But on the plus side, we get away with a lot."

"Somehow, so do we," I say with a little giggle. "I get the feeling my mama knows what's up, though, and keeps my dad away when she sees us go in the barn."

"Wait, you and Olly... finally?" Zoe asks with a little smirk, and Brandi's eyes widen in surprise.

"What!? Kinz, you didn't tell me!" Brandi cries out.

"Uh... we didn't really tell anyone."

I wasn't sure I should tell her. Brandi's been really good about me and Olly, but still... he is her ex. Now it feels weird I didn't tell her, though.

"Wow... I thought Olly would wait till he's eighteen or something," Brandi says with a laugh. "Has he turned into a typical guy now? Hounding you constantly for it?"

"No..." I say with a frown. "I mean, we both were all over each other all summer."

"Oh, just wait," Brandi says. "You'll start to get tired of doing it all the time, and he won't. Guys are so annoying and persistent. I swear Wade is horny twenty-four-seven."

"I don't think all guys are," Zoe says as she raises an eyebrow.

"They are, trust me," Brandi says. 

***

December 2001 

I wake up to the upbeat sound of Gwen Stefani singing at an ungodly horror.

"Huh?" The confusion lifts when I see my phone bouncing around my nightstand. I forgot Brandi set me up with a custom ringtone earlier.

Speaking of it's her calling. I pick it up and open it. "Brandi? It's like three AM. Why are you calling?"

"Sorry," she slurs. "I'm outside, and I don't want to wake your folks. Can I come in?"

"What? Hold on, I'll be right down."

The hell? I begrudgingly get out of bed and head down the stairs. I accidentally step on one of the squeaky steps and freeze, but luckily don't hear my parents wake up.

I hustle over to the front door and open it for Brandi. She smells like an entire liquor store as she walks past me.

"What are you doing here this late?" I whisper. She ignores me and starts stumbling up the stairs. Of course, she hits all the squeaky steps on her way, and by some miracle, it doesn't wake my parents.

I follow her into my room, where she stops in the center, crossing her arms around herself.

"Do you have some pajamas?" She asks. She's wearing the same thing she had on earlier. Skin-tight low riders with a baby tee that shows off her stomach.

I grab a long sleep shirt from my top dresser drawer and hand it to her. "Did you drive over here this drunk?"

"I didn't want to go home. Billy is at Laine's, and no one's there."

Her parents have been traveling more than ever lately. I feel for her and Billy.

"So, call me first! I have a car now. I could've come and got you!"

I finally got my car. It was a surprise for my seventeenth birthday. A little green civic, I love it. Olly and I fight over who drives who to school now, which is ridiculous because we both have to go out of our way to pick each other up as it is. He insists, though, that we still ride in together every day.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Kinz. I didn't think," she's slurring her words badly. She's shimming out of her jeans, and I quickly turn away, covering my eyes when I see she has nothing under them.

"Could've warned me," I say.

"Huh? Oh. I left in a hurry. Do you have pants?"

"Yeah..." I rummage through my drawer again and find a pair of flannel pants.

"Left Wade's in a hurry?" I ask as I hand her the pants.

She looks so small all a sudden, standing in the center of my room in my long tee-shirt with my pajama pants in her hand.

"Yeah." she nearly falls over as she attempts to step into the pants, and I steady her.

Once we get her dressed, she falls into my bed, and I crawl next to her.

"Did you and Wade fight?"

"No. Sort of. I don't know."

Something is wrong, really wrong. Usually, when they fight, she rages about Wade. Until I can't take it anymore and tell her to leave the asshole, which then causes her to defend him, I hate it. Everything about it, and I don't know how to fix it. She always goes back.

"What's going on, Brandi? Was it another girl again?"

"No."

"Then what happened?"

"Kinz... I don't... I don't even know. I'm so drunk. Maybe I was confused. Maybe."

"Confused about what?"

"I just want to go to sleep, okay?" Her voice is breaking up, and I can hear she's about to cry again. "Please don't ... I can't."

She is crying now. Full-on crying.

"Brandi!" I put my arms around her, spooning her like Olly does to me. "Talk to me, please."

"Don't make me talk. Please, just be here."

"But..." I stop.

I get the feeling pressuring her to talk won't help. "I won't, but I'm here if you want to talk. I'm always here. Anytime you need me. You call me, whatever time, wherever you are. I'll come, and I'll get you, and I'll be there. Okay?"

"Okay," she whimpers.

"Promise you'll always call me, please? Promise, next time you won't drive."

"I promise," she whimpers.

"Good." I sigh with relief and hope she keeps that promise.

"I love you, Kinsey...I mean, like a sister."

"I know what you mean, and I love you too, Brandi." I squeeze her tighter.

She drifts off even as she's still crying softly. I, however, lie there wide awake and full of worry. 

*The next chapter may have a part that is difficult to read. I will make sure to include a TW for that part of the chapter.  😥