January 2001 

I was a wreck returning to school after winter break, having no clue what Brandi could do. Turns out she didn't even go to school, she's down in the dumps and not leaving her room. Billy made me and Olly feel horrible about it as we should. And we do we feel horrible about Brandi but it's so confusing because at the same time we're so happy with each other. We fell right into this relationship, and it's just been amazing, like such a cozy feeling, me and Olly. How did I now see it before? 

Hunter has been really supportive of us though so that makes me feel better, but I still wish we hung out as much as we used too.

The guys, other than Billy, are all giving Olly high fives and calling him a playa and crap. The girls are all giving me dirty looks, it stinks. 

I duck into the bathroom around lunch time and almost back right out when I see Shelby and the cheerleaders hovering around the mirror.

"Oh look, it's the backstabbing slut!" Shelby's voice cuts right through me. 

"Leave me alone," I turn to leave, but Kelly stands in front of the door, blocking me.

"Where are you going? Looking for some guy to hook up with? Gabe and Olly weren't enough for you?"

"Just back off, please," I beg.

"Why should we?" Mandy challenges. "You know Brandi was always standing up for you last year. Even when y'all weren't talking."

"I know she was, and I do feel terrible," I plead. 

"Oh, shove it, you stupid, skinny slut," Shelby hisses. "You're little poor me act don't work on us."

"I don't even get it. You're not even that cute," Kelly moves from the door, but all of them are circling me like sharks I have no chance to get out now. 

"Right? Like she's short and skinny and doesn't even have boobs."

"Yeah, and look at her flat ass," Kelly snorts, and Shelby joins in her laughter.

"That pimple is bigger than your ass," Shelby pokes at it, and it hurts, so I back up right into Mandy, who pushes me away.

"Gross, don't touch me, skank!" Mandy cries out. "Now I need to wash myself in bleach!"

I glance at Dee for help, but she quickly averts her eyes from me.

Shelby meanwhile steps closer, and so does Kelly. Oh no, they're about to jump me. Shit, oh god... my heart starts racing and I feel sick. I back up, but there's nowhere to go. I am literally surrounded by these girls.

The door opens, and Zoe walks in, her eyes narrowing at the scene.

"Get out of here, freak. We're in the middle of something," Shelby mutters, her eyes still on me.

"Back off," Zoe says instead, pushing closer. A few girls scurry away from her, but Kelly and Shelby stay put.

"Mind your own business!" Kelly huffs, "She'll take your boyfriend next; you know. We've all seen her making eyes at Hunter, too."

"Right? This skank can't help herself," Shelby agrees. 

"Funny, I've heard the same shit about you two," Zoe cuts in.

"Better watch your mouth," Shelby hisses.

"Or what?" Zoe gets right into Shelby's face, so there is hardly even an inch between them.

With her pink and black hair, heavy eyeliner, and black clothes, Zoe is intimidating, but Shelby doesn't scare easily. The head cheerleader is tall, probably close to five foot nine, and extremely strong. She's the one that tosses the other girls in the air and catches them.

"You think I'm scared of you?" Shelby asks as Kelly gets closer to defend her friend. Zoe doesn't back down either, though, and she shoves Shelby backward, and she hits the sink behind her.

"You're going to regret that," Shelby's eyes darken, but just as she's about to lunge for Zoe, she stops, and her eyes widen at something.

"What the hell!? You are fucking psycho!" Shelby spits out, and I notice Dee and the other girls backing closer to the door.

Huh? I see why when I look over, seeing Zoe has a pocketknife in her hand. Holy Crap... what is happening?

"You got your backup. I got mine," Zoe says in a sing-song tone as she flips it open. The silver blade is blinding under the bright fluorescent lights of the bathroom. She waves it around as a scary smile curls over her lips. "Anyone want to play?"

That does it for Dee; she nearly races out of the bathroom, and most of the other girls, besides Kelly and Shelby, follow her.

"You're nuts!" Kelly shrieks as she grabs Shelby's arm, pulling a stunned and, for the first time, speechless Shelby to the door.

"You have no idea how fucking crazy I can be!" Zoe calls after them as they leave.

My heart is still pounding, and I can't peel my eyes off the knife in Zoe's hand. "Relax, I wouldn't have actually cut the bitches. The visual is kind of nice, though. Gory cheerleaders are my favorite movie trope."

I shudder at that, hugging my arms around myself.

"I'm kidding," Zoe laughs at my expression as she closes the blade and sticks it in her pocket. "You alright?"

"Yeah, but my heart hasn't caught up yet," I confess, taking a few breaths to calm it.

"Glad I came in when I did," Zoe says with a touch of concern in her voice. "Those girls would've hurt you pretty bad."

"Yeah, I uh, I've never been in a fight, well, except with my hairbrush," I stammer.

Zoe laughs, "Liar, your hair always looks good."

I make my way into a stall, and so does Zoe. I'm surprised I didn't pee my pants during all that.

Once we finish washing up, Zoe can see me hesitate to leave.

"Don't worry about them, okay? I'll have your back."

"Thanks for that. You don't have to," I say feebly.

"Hunter says you're cool, so that's all I need to know," Zoe says. "And even if you weren't, I hate bullies."

She leads the way, and I nervously follow.

"Me too. I thought I was done with bullies," I groan. "My own fault, though."

"What? No. Come on, let's get out of here for a while," Zoe suggests.

"Out of here? Like ditch school!?" I ask as I follow her, trying to stay close in case the cheerleaders see me again.

"Don't tell me you've never ditched?"

"Won't we get in trouble?" I ask, even as I follow her outside. It feels so wrong to be out front at this time of day. I'm surprised alarms don't go off.

"I will," she says with a carefree shrug. "You won't if you never do, and we'll be back before next period. If anyone asks, say you had cramps, so you went to lie down in the nurse's room."

"Okay," I bite at my lip. Skipping class, though? Well, it's better than running into Shelby, and them again, I guess.

She leads me to her car, a blue Dodge, and it's a mess of clothes and smells badly like cigarettes. But I climb into the front seat anyway. She lights up a cigarette as she pulls out of the parking lot.

"I assume you don't smoke?" she glances at me.

"No, I don't." I crinkle my nose, and she laughs.

"Look, Kinsey, those girls have no right to bully you and threaten you no matter what happened with Olly, and I know he was with Brandi, but still, it's not like they actually give a shit about her. They just want a reason to bully you."

"I don't know. It was messed up," I mutter. "I kissed her boyfriend and took him away from her."

"Wasn't Olly your best friend, too, though, and into you forever?" Zoe asks.

"Hunter told you about that?"

"He mentioned something about it once," Zoe says casually. "He thought y'all were going to get together a while ago."

"I didn't even know Olly liked me or that I felt the same until after Brandi happened. I mean I had an idea but was sort in denial and... " I trail off not wanting to mention the Hunter part of it, in case she says anything to him. "Anway. Now I feel like total crap."

"We're sixteen. We're going to fuck things up sometimes," Zoe says. "Don't be so hard on yourself."

"Trying not to," I sigh. "I am happy, you know? But then I feel bad for that."

"Don't be, and don't feel bad," Zoe snuffs her smoke out and then reaches into her purse, pulling out a little wooden container. My eyes widen again as she slides the lid open, and I smell pot.

"My dugout," she explains as she pokes a skinny pipe into it. "You want to try a hit?"

"No way!" I exclaim as my cheeks flame up, and she chuckles.

"I won't pressure you, just asking," Zoe laughs, and I watch as she takes a long hit from the skinny pipe, closing her eyes as she inhales and then coughing as she exhales. The smell fills the car, and I worry I'm going to stink when we get back to school.

"Where is Hunter anyway? Doesn't he usually ditch with you?"

"He got all into his stupid welding elective," Zoe groans. "He's been spending lunches in there working on shit. He was even coming to school over winter break working on something."

"On what?" I ask.

"Who knows, probably something for Shar or somethin'." She takes another drag, and I watch, fascinated by it. It visibly relaxes her right in front of my eyes.

"I will try one," I decide suddenly, the curiosity getting the better of me.

"You sure?" Zoe asks, and I nod.

"Okay." she prepares it for me and then hands it to me.

I do the same thing she did, but when I inhale the smoke, I instantly start coughing and bad! I'm hacking worse than I was when I had bronchitis! My face is growing hot, and my eyes are watering by the time I stop coughing. I quickly hand it back to her.

"This thing sucks," I say, handing it back to her.

"It gets easier, and just wait a minute. You'll feel it soon," she says. "Anyway, what I was going to say is that you shouldn't feel bad for being happy. You're so lucky. Not everyone gets that chance, so don't take it for granted."

As I contemplate this, a light feeling rushes over my head, and all that tension from the bathroom earlier seems to be fading.

"I'll try one more hit off the bowl," I say, enjoying the feeling.

"This is called a one-hitter or oney," she says as she hands it to me. "Easier to carry around and hit from."

Easy? I disagree, as I am hacking my lungs out again and probably blowing both our eardrums out.

She's laughing when I finally stop. "You, okay?"

"Yeah, I think so," I blush.

"Enough for you," she takes it back. "I know you won't like this advice, but if those girls keep it up, you need to report it to the school. They'll get the coach involved and get them to stop."

"What?" My eyes pop open at the suggestion. "It'll be so much worse if I do that!"

"No, Kinsey, it'll be so much worse if they do jump you in the bathroom," Zoe says as a haunted look crosses her face. "Trust me on that."

"You? You've been jumped?" I question, but she is so tough.

"Yes," Zoe takes a breath.

 "The bullying started..." she pauses and studies me.

"Hunt says I can trust you. That true?"

"Yes, totally!" I agree earnestly.

"This can never leave this car, not ever."

"I swear," I promise as I make a show of crossing my heart.

"I was struggling with who I am and started writing it down, journaling my thoughts," Zoe explains as I lean in to listen. "In it, I talked a lot about how I wasn't finding myself crushing on boys like so many other girls were. But there were some girls in movies and stuff that... made me feel things... beyond admiring them."

Hunter's words about it being better for Zoe if people think they're a couple suddenly makes sense. I feel crummy about having negative feelings about her now.

"That must have been hard for you. Was there anyone you could talk to?" I ask, and she frowns sadly.

"At that time, no. I was too scared to talk to my mom, and my dad lives in California," Zoe says. "The journal was all I had to sort the shit out."

She pauses momentarily to take another hit, and I feel very relaxed now as it sets in. It's a floaty, bubbly feeling, really pleasant. 

"The more I wrote about it, the clearer it became to me, and while I didn't straight up say I'm gay in the journal, it heavily implied it."

"Someone found it?" I guess, oh poor Zoe, I can't even imagine.

"It must have fell out of my bag on the bus. The bullying started immediately. Every day, I would come to school and find a Pam Anderson poster or something like that in my locker. The names they'd call me were disgusting. I tried to rise above it. I tried to ignore it. Then it all came to a head in the girl's bathroom one day."

'What happened?" I ask.

"A girl not much different than Shelby. Nicole was the worst of the bullies; she literally would re-read my words in my journal back to me but in twisted and lewd ways. She got it in her head, that I wanted her and would accuse me of staring at her all the time. In the bathroom that day she was wearing a short skirt and accused me of looking at her legs. Of course, I didn't, but it didn't matter. Once they started egging each other on ... it escalated pretty badly.  I am proud to say I hit her first, but I was found on the bathroom floor later. My face was wrecked, and it took months to heal. I even had to get stitches."

She lifts her thick pink bangs to show me the scar on her forehead.

"Zoe, I am so sorry that happened to you," I say as my eyes well with tears for her. 

"It was really scary, and I don't want that to happen to you. Girls like that love having a target."

"I know," I gulp. "I'll be careful. What happened after that?" 

"I told my mom from the hospital bed, and we both cried for hours," A tear slides down Zoe's cheek, but she wipes it away. "She told me then that she'd been talking to Judd about moving in with us after their wedding, and we decided to move here with him instead. It was either that or I go to my dad's in California, and sometimes we still think I should. I'd probably have a better chance of finding people like me there, but I hardly even know my dad. So, I said I would come here a new girl with a thick shell and not let anyone hurt me again." 

"I can't imagine having to make a choice like that," I say softly. "That's horrible that that happened to you."

"I think Nicole was really disgusted with herself, not me. Something she read in my journal hit home with her, and instead of facing it, she took it out of me." Zoe says thoughtfully. 

I nod slowly in agreement. "I bet so, too. But either way, she had no right; none of them did!"

"This town is smaller than my last if word gets out there..."

"I would never say a word," I promise. "But not everyone here is like that." 

"I know," Zoe says with a smile. "It's good to have a real friend in Hunter, even if he just wants to play video games half the time."

"It was worse when he and Olly hung out all the time; that's all they ever did," I empathize.

"Maybe we can all hang out some?" Zoe offers. "I had fun watching horror movies with him on Halloween. I didn't think anyone was a bigger Steven King fan than me."

"Don't even get Olly started on Steven King," I laugh. "I would love that, though! I miss hanging with Hunter, and you're really cool."

"They're doing Laser Floyd at the convention center this Friday. You two should come with us."

"Laser Floyd?" I question.

"It's cool, a laser show to Pink Floyd music, you get really stoned and just zone out to the lights."

"Okay," I agree for Olly and me.

 Hopefully he doesn't get mad about me choosing plans like Gabe always did. Even though this activity will probably not be Olly's favorite thing, any push to get Hunter, Olly and myself back on solid ground, I'll take right now. After losing Brandi, I feel an even stronger need to get our trio back.

"I guess we better go back to school," Zoe groans.

"Did we totally miss lunch? I am starving now."

"I think so," Zoe says. "I have a granola bar if you want?"

"I really want tacos," I mumble. 

"Welcome to the munchies," Zoe laughs.

*** 

February 2001 

Brandi returned to school a week after holiday break, and ignored me, yet the day after she returned the bullying from Shelby and them stopped. I tried taking to her then and it didn't go well, but it's been a month now and Hunter and Zoe convinced me to try again. 

I tighten my corduroy brown jacket around myself as I hasten my steps. The coldest of winter is behind us, but it's still pretty chilly. After another week or so, it'll finally warm up. As I get nearer to the bleachers, I hear Brandi's laughter from a distance.

I stop and glance around, and then I spot her. She's leaning against a large oak tree with her phone against her ear and a hand shoved in her pocket. Her back is to me and she doesn't see me approaching her.

"Brandi?" I say her name carefully and quietly as I get closer. She stiffens when she hears me. As do I, suddenly wondering why I listened to two people who were high anyway.

"I got to go. I'll call you back when I'm on the way over," she says into the phone as I stand awkwardly behind her.

"Keep your pants on, Wade. I'll be there soon," she says with a scoff as she flips the phone shut.

Wade?...no...no flipping way.

She whirls around to face me and are ours meet again for the first time since the last time I tried to talk to her. Her gaze is much softer than the last time, and I release a small breath.

"Hi, Kinsey."

"Hey," I offer in a soft voice. "I um... If you want me to take off, I will. I just wanted you to know I'm here if you ever want to be friends again or whatever, and I'm sorry for everything..."

"You don't have to keep saying you're sorry. I know you are." She smirks lightly. "And aren't at the same time."

"Right," I awkwardly shift from foot to foot. "Do you still hate me then?"

"I never hated you. I just didn't like you for a while," Brandi says. "But I missed you a lot, and I still do."

"I really miss you too," I say.

"I thought a lot about it and about what happened freshman year. You were trying to be a good friend, and I broke the girl code by going to Mary Beth like I did."

"Brandi, that's ancient history..."

"But it's important here," she says. "I was lucky that Mary Beth is a nice girl. She could've ruined your rep when high school was just getting started, and I knew that. I had no reason to do it either, I was just mad." She pauses for a moment to zip up her coat, a black trench she's wearing with her bootcut jeans and her signature black boots.

"When you kissed Olly in my kitchen on New Year's Eve and then basically told me he wasn't my boyfriend anymore. You broke girl code, just as bad as I did, but... at least you had a reason. You didn't kiss Olly because you were mad at me. You kissed him because you had feelings for him, so... I guess what I'm saying is if you can forgive me for what I did, then I should forgive you for this."

"You mean it? You want to forgive me?"

"I want to try. I want to be friends again, Kinsey."

"You do?" I half squeal and half choke the words out.

"I do with you and Olly..." she pauses again, looking at me carefully. "But things are different now Kinz, and there's some stuff I'm into you might not like or agree with. I don't want to hear your judgment about it. All it's going to do is start a new fight."

"Is Wade part of that?" I question as I arch an eyebrow.

"Yes, he is."

"Brandi," I warn, albeit hesitantly.

"I am going to say this once, and I mean it. You need to stay out of it," Brandi says firmly. "It's not the same as it was then. Wade is older; he's almost graduated now, and I am older too... I'm not naive. I know what's what, and I don't care."

I shake my head slowly .. no. Wade? Crap.

"I do not want to hear about it, not from you and not from Olly. Got it?" She presses, her intent gaze holding me hostage, letting me know our reconciliation depends on this.

"Can I say something now and then I won't ever again?" I bargain.

"Nope." She stands firm. "You have to respect my choices. Even if that's Wade."

"But..."

"I can just leave; we can forget this," she threatens, and it doesn't seem hollow.

"Fine," I relent. "I won't judge your choices."

Hopefully I can keep this promise it's going to be hard.

"Olly, either."

"I can't control what Olly does and says."

"Kinsey." She gives me an imploring look.

"I'll tell him," I agree. "But know that both of us are here for you anytime. We won't judge if, you promise you will come to one of us if something happens. Don't try and pretend it's fine if it isn't."

"To either of you?" She furrows her eyebrows. "Or just you?"

"Olly was your friend before all this, and he's your friend after all of it, if you want him to be. I'll never stand in the way of that," I assure her.

She throws her arms around me, and the tears start to fall as we embrace. She's quickly wiping at her cheeks as we part.