Sept 2000

Starting Sophomore year with a broken heart hasn't been easy but somehow, I made it through my first week.

After Olly and my talk, I tried to do as he said and go about life. He compares heartbreak to a toothache; it always hurts, and some days more than others, especially if you do something to aggravate it. Sometimes, you wake up with it throbbing, but you can't give up on life because your tooth hurts, so you keep on. I don't know how Olly got so wise about heartbreak, but that's just him, I guess so smart about everything.

The last week and a half of summer, I did try hard to do that. Instead of just Brandi coming over to get me out of bed every day, it was Olly too, and sometimes I would get up, and we'd all go hang out either at the beach or one of their houses. Olly and Brandi both have central air; I mentioned this to my dad, who said if I put a fan in the window, so would we.

Brandi dubbed us, the better trio, as a joke, but it makes me feel terrible. Olly still hangs with Hunter sometimes when he's not busy with work, but it's not the same.

For me, going about life does get easier, though, just like Olly said, although there were several days, I sent them away to hang out with each other because I just didn't feel like it.

I was panicked about school; Hunter would be hard to avoid there, but with Brandi driving us in every day, I rarely see him. We only share one class, and it's after lunch. He always shows up late, and I avoid looking at him.

I know from Brandi that Hunter is always late because he's been smoking with some of the skater kids outside at lunchtime. She didn't want to tell me, but apparently, there's some new girl that hangs with them, always standing next to Hunter. She's got pink hair, and her name is Zoe. That's all I know about her, and it's enough. I hate her.

"You're up already?" I ask as Brandi climbs out of bed.

"Yeah, hold on, don't go downstairs yet," she says as she dashes to the bathroom.

I shrug and sit down on the bed to wait for her. I'm wearing my old bib overalls today with a tank top under them, my usual harvest outfit. I tie my long, damp hair into a ponytail while I wait for Brandi.

"Sorry, I had to pee," she says sheepishly as she returns; a nervous look crosses her face. "Before we help your mom with breakfast. I want to talk to you about something."

"What?" I ask curiously. Last night, I felt all night like she wanted to say something but didn't. Now I'm getting nervous. Is it Hunter?

"This is hard to say..." she says as she paces across my carpet. "I didn't mean for it to happen. I swear. He is always so sweet and helped me get past Wade. Well, mostly, I mean, a girl doesn't just get over her first love, but– I don't know. When I asked you about that, it wasn't for this reason, but now I'm wondering if maybe it was, because... I think even before I even saw how cute... Oh Kinz, I don't want you to hate me and –"

"Brandi, what are you trying to say?" I cut off her babbling as she starts talking faster.

"I have a crush on Olly," she says as her cheeks flush pink.

"What?" My eyes widen, and I gape at her; how? When?

What!?

"I don't know when it started, but I think it was before I even saw how cute he got," Brandi confesses. "I know he's your best friend in the world and that's why I'm telling you before..."

"Before what? You're going to ask him out? Is this why you asked me about me having feelings for him?" My voice sounds accusatory, and I'm feeling a little taken aback by this. I just got used to how close they've become as friends.

I... don't know how I feel about this.

"Not if you don't want me to," she says instantly. "And no, that wasn't why I asked you that. At least, I didn't think so then, but maybe partially it was."

So why did she ask, then?

"But it's still true, right? You don't have any romantic feelings for Olly?" She presses on looking at me in a pleading way.

"Yeah, it's still true..." I say the words, but as I do, I can't help but think back to that moment on his bed a few weeks back. Is it?

No, that was nothing, I tell myself for the millionth time.

"So? What are you thinking?" Brandi asks.

"I think Olly is a sweet but sensitive guy. I don't want to see him hurt," I say slowly. "You just said you're not over Wade."

"And he knows that," she agrees. "It's something we talk about, Kinz. Among other stuff, he and I have our bond too, you know? This summer we talked a lot. I like him, and the last thing I'd do is hurt him, I swear."

"Do you think he likes you too?" I ask as a knot forms in my gut.

"I do," she whispers the words. "There are things he says sometimes when we're talking about something else that I feel like hints at it. He's happier around me in some ways, like less serious, you know? I don't mean to sound conceited, just like he really likes being with me... I'm babbling again. I'm super nervous, Kinz."

"I know," I let out a tiny, humorless laugh. What do I do? She clearly does like him a lot, and she's right. She does make him happy. He seems lighter and more fun around her, and she's more serious and thoughtful from his presence, she's even been excited about school this year.

I want to say no. No way, you can't date Olly, he's my Olly, but how can I say that? How is that fair to either of them?

"It's okay if you're not cool with this. I'll never pursue it," Brandi says. "I'm sorry I even brought it up. I can get over Olly. I will get over--"

"It's okay," I cut her off.

"Really?"

"If you two make each other happy then I am happy for you," I say as I stand up; she launches herself at me, squeezing me tight.

"Thank you so much, Kinz," she says.

"Of course," I agree.

So why do I feel like I just made a colossal mistake?

****

The Sophomore Homecoming Dance

Last year we did the homecoming and spring dance as friends, but this year it's all different. Brandi and Olly are becoming a thing and going as a couple, Hunter is always with Zoe, but I doubt they're going to the dance, and me...

Well, I'm going with Gabe Rodriguez! Yup Billy's best friend, the former bully that called me farmgirl. He still does actually, but now he says it in a cute way, he came by to help with the harvest and we've been hanging out ever since. He was pretty casual about how asked me to dance, but I can tell he likes me, and I am liking him more and more. We decided to grab burgers at the diner first since it'll be less busy than Carl's steak house.

I have a baby blue dress on, with a heart-shaped satin sleeveless top, and a fitted bodice. My boobs finally decided to grow some since Mama sewed this dress this past summer. So now I fill it well with a bit of cleavage that spills out over the top. The skirt part is flowy and falls to my midthigh, with many lacy overlays.

I saw one like it in a magazine one random summer day. Mama and I decided it'd be my homecoming dress and replicated it. I picked blue at the time for Hunter's eyes... and I feel a twinge of sadness that it's not him beside me.

Stop that, I scold myself. Gabe is nice, cute, funny, and fun to be around, I remind myself as we head inside.

The server is an older woman who oohs and aahs over our outfits before seating us in a booth. These booths are the best here, with cushy red leather so comfy you sink right in. They go with the old-school black and white checkered floor.

"You look great, Kinz," Gabe says as we sit, and my cheeks flush pink. I notice he's staring at my boobs, but he looks up with a sheepish grin when he feels my eyes on him.

"Thanks, you look good too," I say. An awkward silence follows. Weirdly, we talk at lunch every day, but this feels so different, all official. What are we supposed to talk about?

The server breaks the silence by bringing us our cokes and some menus. I'm relieved to have something to do as I scan the menu.

"Please don't be one of those girls that orders a salad and picks at it," Gabe begs, and I laugh.

"Me neither," I assure him. "I want a cheeseburger and fries."

"Same. Let's do it." He shuts his menu.

"I'm just worried about spilling," I confess in a low voice. "I always spill."

"Oh," his eyes light up as he chuckles. "You're so cute, Farmgirl."

My heart skips a beat at that.

"You sweethearts ready to order?" The server is back before I can fully decide if it's worth risking the possible grease stain.

"Two cheeseburgers and fries, please," Gabe orders and hands her the menus.

"Coming right out," she grins as she darts off.

"I'm serious about spilling," I tell him as soon as she leaves.

"I got you." Gabe is grinning as he takes my red cloth napkin and then his and ties them together into a makeshift bib. "Here you go!"

"Perfect!" My grin widens as I take it from him. It's the silliest-looking thing ever, and I'm glad this place is nearly empty.

"Will you help me tie it on?" I ask.

"Yeah, sure," he says as he gets up and comes to slide into my booth. As I turn my body at an angle, he ties the back in a knot, his knuckles brush against the back of my neck, and I get goosebumps. He stays there as I turn back around, and our faces are close.

"I know it isn't diamonds ... but-" Gabe jokes, and I start to giggle, partially out of nerves, but he is so funny he makes me laugh easily.

"Does it go with my dress?" I do a silly pose, and Gabe starts to laugh as well. The earlier awkwardness is fading away, and it's just like at school again, fun.

"Well, it's covering up the best part," he whispers with a wink.

I blush and giggle nervously, a reply escaping me. I'm not so great at this flirting thing, but it is fun. Gabe gets back up and resumes his seat across from me.

"Was that a jerky thing to say?" he questions.

"No, but now I'm keeping this thing on all night," I joke, and he laughs but then leans in.

"Well, I guess I have to stare at your pretty face all night then," he says in a low voice.

My stomach erupts with butterflies as I lean closer to him, too.

The sound of heavy footsteps near our table pulls our attention off each other, and I'm stunned to see Hunter standing there.

That Zoe girl is with him, and I finally get a good look at her. I've only seen her from a distance before. Her hair is pink, but her roots are black; it's cut to her shoulders, but in this punk, jagged cut. It frames a pretty but very heavily made-up face, with thick eyeliner and a lot of it and dark purple lipstick.

Olly keeps telling me they're just friends, but... I don't know, she's always with him. I'm not happy about her either way, as a girlfriend or a friend, replacing me. Hunter and I do talk now but not that often. I try more than he does though and that bugs me.

"Hey," I say as I find Hunter's gaze burning into mine.

"You two are going to the dance?" Hunter guesses the obvious, and I can hear the unsaid, really you're going with that jock, in his question.

I wish he would ask, so I could say, yeah, I am, because when someone likes me, I think they deserve a shot. I'm past the self-loathing and crying over Hunter. It may be obvious but now I'm kinda mad at him. It's how he reacted and shut it down, just like that, so unfair. I'll get over this anger eventually, but it feels better to be mad than sad right now honestly.

"Yeah, are you two going? Uh, never mind," Gabe trails off as they sure aren't dressed for it.

Zoe's dressed in her usual, baggy black jeans, so baggy each leg looks like a dress, and with it, she has on a tight long-sleeved vintage band shirt that shows off how busty she is.

Hunter has on his torn-up dirty jeans he always wears to work with a wrinkled white shirt. His hair is also unkempt. He isn't putting any effort into his look this year, and still looks so good—his hair, all longish and messy, is so hot. I dart my eyes away.

"Hell no, we're skipping that lame shit," Zoe answers for both of them, and it feels sort of rude, knowing that's exactly where we're heading.

"Well, to each their own," Gabe says politely.

"You're not planning on drinking with Billy tonight, right?" Hunter asks Gabe, a stern tone to his voice.

I narrow my eyes as a surge of annoyance shoots through me. "My dad covered all that, Hunter, We're good."

"Right," he says as his jaw tenses. Zoe grabs his arm, and my eyes zero in on it like a target.

"Come on, Hunt," she says, pulling him away. "Have a nice night, you two."

"Yeah, thanks," I mutter.

"Be careful," Hunter warns, to who I don't know, but it's all I can do not throw the little sugar container at him.

"Later," Gabe offers but looks relieved as they walk away. They go to the back and slink into a booth, Hunter's back to me. I can see Zoe leaning in and I look away from them, focusing on Gabe.

"Wow, he really thinks he's your big brother or something, doesn't he?" Gabe scoffs.

My... what. Realization washes over me like a wave of cold water. Is that why? Hunter sees me as a kid sister? It sure would explain a lot, but the thought of it is too painful to embrace.

***

After our burgers, Gabe and I take the long way to the school and arrive at the dance late. The sun has already gone down, and the parking lot is full. This time, I don't bother to wait for Gabe to open my door and just get out at the same time he does.

As we fall into step, he takes my hand, and that warm feeling from the cafe spreads through my body; I find myself grinning as we walk inside. The gym is once again decorated with banners and balloons, all in red and white. The DJ setup looks better this year; and many kids are already dancing.

Lots of people look up at us when we walk in. I feel like everyone is staring, actually...

Gabe also seems to notice the attention, pulling me a little closer to his side.

My eyes land on Olly and Brandi, and it's like everything stops at once. Gabe, the music, the chatter from the other kids. All I see is Brandi and Olly facing each other. He's doing his best to dance as she giggles at his efforts.

It's not just that she got him out here and for a fast dance. It's how he's gazing at her as he laughs. The way he's holding her hands in his and not letting go. Then the music switches to a slow song, and I gasp out loud when he pulls her to him. She presses her hands on his shoulders as he circles her upper back, pulling her so close all they seem to see is each other.

"You okay?" Gabe's voice startled me, and I jumped.

"Yeah, sorry. It's just, uh, I'm still getting used to them," I stammer as he studies me with a doubtful look.

"Yeah, Billy keeps bitching about it," he says.

"And me too, I'm sure," I comment.

"He'll come around," he offers.

I spy Billy and a bunch of other jocks and cheerleaders in the corner drinking punch. They look over from time to time, the girls especially.

"You want to dance?" Gabe looks at me as the music switches back to a fast song, Britney Spears, Crazy, the perfect dance song.

"I can't dance good though," I warn him, even as he takes my hand and pulls me to the dance floor.

"Kinz," Gabe stops and looks at me. "Look around. Does anyone here actually know how to dance?"

"Bunch of fakers," I agree, and he grins.

"So, let's just enjoy being bad!" Gabe does a dramatic spin, then does just as he said and starts dancing terribly.

"Come do the robot with me, Kinz." He says as he starts doing a boxy, choppy walk thing.

"Okay!" Screw it, this is fun. I'm laughing hard as I mimic Gabe's actions.

"Remember square dancing in the gym?" I ask in a breathy voice when we slow down to catch our breath.

"Yes! Ha!" Gabe chuckles. "Let's do it!"

He grabs my arm, and we start spinning each other around like the do-si-do, when Brandi and Olly come over, laughing at us.

"What are you doing?" Brandi asks and I answer her by grabbing her arm, swinging her around, and then returning to Gabe.

"No way. It was bad enough doing this in fifth grade!" Olly ducks away from Brandi when she tries to hook his arm in hers.

"Spoilsport!" Brandi accuses as she sticks her tongue out at him.

Olly makes a gesture like he's wounded. It's adorable and very nauseating.

He looks terrific in his fitted black suit, with his hair combed back. It fits him so well and makes him look even taller. He smiles softly as his soft, brown-eyed gaze washes over me.

"You look beautiful, Kinz," Olly says.

"Thanks, Olly, you look great, too," I offer.

"So do you, Brandi!"

"Thank you, pretty girl!" Brandi says as she spins. She's wearing a long halter-style coral gown with a slit up the thigh. Her hair is twisted in a curly updo, and her makeup is perfect as usual even with a red lip tonight.

"Let's go grab some punch, Brandi," Olly suggests. "You all coming?"

"Nah, we're going to dance more," I say, bravely grabbing Gabe's hand this time. The music fades to a slow dance just as we stop, though. As the beautiful voice of Selena fills the gym, many people scatter off the dance floors, and the remaining couples get closer.

I wrap my arms around Gabe's broad neck and his circle around my lower back, pulling me closer as we start swaying to the music. I let my head rest on his shoulder as his hand started rubbing the silky fabric on my back.

"I thought you said you were a bad dancer," he whispers into my ear.

"I am."

"Not even."

I notice Brandi and Olly returning to the dance floor, too, but I manage to put all that aside and focus on Gabe, whose tanned cheeks are flushed.

****

We danced the night away, and I think my cheeks hurt from smiling as we leave the gym. Most of our dances were silly and fun, but we had a few more slow dances as well, and the thrill of his body pressed so close to mine is what my dreams will probably center on for some time.

As the night ends, we sneak out before everyone else and walk to his car.

"Wow, look at all the stars," Gabe mentions, and I stop to look up.

"Amazing," I marvel at them.

"Yeah."

We both look down at the same time, and our gazes meet.

"I had a lot of fun tonight, Kinz," Gabe says softly as he steps closer. "You're like, seriously, the coolest girl and so pretty, too."

"Thanks," I whisper nervously. "You're great too, this was my first date... You made it fun and easy."

"No way, it was?" He lifts his eyebrows.

Well, yeah, who do you think I dated? I don't ruin the moment with sarcasm; I just nod and smile.

"I want to kiss you," Gabe confesses. "Do you want me to?"

"Yeah," I manage to say, my voice a squeak.

His hand rests on my cheek as he leans in closer, and then our lips meet slowly as if testing each other out. His lips are soft and full and so inviting. I part my lips, and he deepens the kiss as he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close. My heart thunders as I melt into my first kiss.

It's over too soon, but the sight of Gabe, the smile on his lips that were just on mine, the excited glow in his eyes, and the rush of heat still evident in his cheeks are almost as good as the kiss.

****

I shiver, hugging my arms around myself as we lean against the school's brick wall. It's unseasonably cool with all the rain we've been getting this year.

"You cold, Kinz?" Gabe asks.

"Yeah, it's freezing today," I say.

Gabe pulls his pack of smokes from his jacket pocket, shrugs it off, and hands it to me.

He then sticks the smokes in his back jeans pocket; he won't light one up until the guys get here.

He, Billy, and Laine always meet before school and sneak a smoke on the side of the building in a little hidden alcove Billy found last year. It's worked well for them so far; none have been busted. The skater and stoner kids smoke cigarettes and weed down by the football field under the bleachers, but they get caught way more than the jocks do.

That's where Hunter can be found with Zoe most of the time. We are still sadly distant, and he hasn't been spending much time with Olly either. Once again, everything has changed with the three of us this year.

Olly usually sits in Brandi's car in the mornings, teasing her till she pretends to get mad, and they get all gooey and gross. I'm relieved to be hanging out with Gabe every morning for that reason; well, that's one of the reasons; he's also a lot of fun, and I like him more and more each day. But I do feel a little out of place at times with him. I prefer it when it's just him and me. His friends can be a little intimidating, especially the girls. Then there's Billy, the definition of annoying.

As I slip the warm and oversized letter jacket on, I notice Gabe studying me with a slight smirk on his lips.

"What?"

"If you wear my jacket around, people will think you're my girl."

My heart skips a beat as our eyes meet. "Yeah, they might...

"That'd be cool if you were..." he trails off, and I know he's trying to be all cool and casual, but he seems nervous as he shifts from foot to foot. "I mean, I'd like that."

My heart beats like a drum as I try to figure out how to respond. He didn't exactly ask, so how do I answer?

"Um, I'd like that to," I go with that, and it seems to work because Gabe's face lights up as he flashes those dimples.

"Yeah?" he asks as he steps closer. "You want to be my girl?"

"Yeah," I try to answer casually, but my voice gets a little high-pitched, and I start grinning, but so does he. When Gabe smiles, it's like his whole face does; he almost glows, and it's impossible not to grin back at him.

"You do?" His voice rises a bit, too. "So, is this official?"

"I guess it is," I say as we get closer; we are both grinning at each other.

I wrap my arms around his neck, and his hands rest on my lower back. "I'm all yours," I repeat the words he used at my house during the harvest, the flirty words that started this whole thing.

"My Farmgirl," he says before capturing my lips with his.