Summer 2000 continued  

August 2000

*** *

The weeks since the Fourth of July weekend has had me on pins and needles, constantly waiting for a repeat of that roof moment, but it never comes. Hunter and me will have these small moments, but then nothing happens.

Well, I shouldn't say nothing. He's still grabbing my hand a lot, and he always hugs me when one of us leaves now. My heart tells me I'm not alone in these feelings, but I wish Hunter would confirm it. The thought of telling him how I feel makes me break out in a cold sweat.

I'm pondering this one late night while also considering sneaking some wine from the open bottle Mama left out when the phone rings halting my thoughts, both of them.

Hello?"

"Hey, Kinz!" Brandi replies cheerfully.

"Hey! How's it going with your grandma?" I grab a brownie from the counter and a Coke from the fridge. It's late for caffeine, but at least I won't get killed for it.

I head out to the porch with them and plop on the couch.

"Pretty good, she's settling in here," Brandi says. "She's even made a few friends. Her memory is a little shaky. Sometimes she calls me Susan."

Susan is her mom's name. "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry," I say with a frown.

"We have a lot of fun, though. She even lets me do makeovers on her."

"That is fun! Mama finally let me buy my own makeup kit."

"She did? Makeovers when I come home, then. Just a few weeks now."

"So soon," I can't help how my voice drops.

"What's wrong? You're not excited to see me?" Brandi jokes, "You should be my highlights are hot, girl."

I let out a short laugh and then sigh. "I just feel like summer is slipping by so fast."

Along with my chances with Hunter...

"Has anything happened since the fourth?" Brandi always knows what I mean when I don't say it.

"Not really, "I say with a second sigh. "But sometimes I feel like he wants to and doesn't, then other times, I think maybe it's all in my head."

"It's not in your head."

"I don't know, Brandi," I mumble. "Why wouldn't he just say something then? He can have any girl he wants and he's not shy."

"But you're not any girl, you know? Maybe he's unsure too. I bet he's doing the same thing you are right now."

"I don't know..." but I sure hope he is.

"You're never going to until you talk to him."

"I can't!"

"Kinz, you have to," she says. "He ain't going to do it. If he was, he would have that night."

"What if I'm wrong? What if he rejects me?"

"Then at least you'll know, you know?"

"I guess," I mutter; my heart is starting to race at the idea of doing this.

"Can I .. " she pauses and clears her throat. "I need to ask you something before you talk to Hunter. You can't ask me why I'm asking this though and you need to be honest."

"Huh?" I crinkle up my face in confusion. "Why are you being all weird? You get into your grandma's wine? I almost did tonight."

"Almost? Do it," Brandi scoffs, "But first listen to me, I'm serious. Tell me you'll be honest and won't ask why I'm asking this. I promise I won't tell anyone either, I just need to know."

"I didn't even say I was going to talk to Hunter, so why do all this," I groan.

"Kinsey," she says in a warning voice.

"Fine, ask your darn question already."

"Okay," she takes a breath. "Is it just Hunter?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is Hunter the only one you have feelings for?"

"Obviously you, of all people, would know—"

"What I'm trying to ask is do you have any romantic feelings for Olly?"

"Olly?" I'm beyond confused. "He's my best friend."

"I know, Kinz, but so is Hunter. Is there anything there for Olly?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"I told you, you can't ask me that."

"Well, now I want to know," I demand.

"I just think you should ... make sure, for yourself, before you talk to Hunter that he's the only one. I guess." She sounds a little flustered, and I'm baffled.

Does she have a thing for Olly? They have been chatting on the phone a lot this summer. But that's because Olly is helping her get over Wade and they're both bored. They bicker all the time and complain about each other too. They'd kill each the idea seems sort of funny now.

But... why ask that, then?

"Sometimes not answering is an answer," Brandi says, pulling me back to her question and my eyes widen.

"No! It's not an answer. Olly is my best friend, I don't... he doesn't.... we'd never see each other like that."

****

It's been a week since I talked to Brandi, and she convinced me to tell Hunter how I feel. I've been building up the guts ever since and, I can't wait on this anymore, summer's almost over and with it my chance, I just know it.

I'm standing in Hunter's room, it's honestly one of my favorite spots, at Olly's house and even my house we can only be so loud, and eat so much junk, and so on, but at Hunter's we get to do what we want mostly. His room is full of fond memories of the three of us having fun.

His wrestling obsession is ending; most of his posters have been pulled down and replaced with his favorite bands instead. However, he'll always love The Undertaker, and that poster still hangs proudly. It makes me smile, as I have the sweatshirt that goes with it. I have to admit I've been wearing it to bed every night.

I start to pace nervously, every so often glancing at the clock.

"Who you, kidding? You're just going to chicken out again." I say to myself.

I heave a sigh and walk over to his nightstand. Maybe Olly left a book here. I need a distraction from my thoughts.

I slide open the drawer and find a notebook, and one of Olly's old books in front. I grab it and toss it on the bed, but I've read it a dozen times. He also has a hackey sack, his old wallet chain, and a Snickers bar, that I'm guessing is pretty old. I'm about to close it when something sticking out of his notebook catches my eye.

"What..?" I go numb as I pull the old Polaroid photo from the book. The very one Brandi took last fall. The photo that caused him to lose his first girlfriend.

So why does he have it?

Because he likes you, I hear Brandi's voice in my head, and this time I choose to believe it.

My eyes fill with tears as I look at the photo; we look like a real couple in it. I never got the chance to really look at it when Mary Beth was shoving it in my face. Hunter's arms are tightly secured around me, and there's even a tiny smile on his lips.

He kept it. I asked for proof, and here it is.

"You can do this," I whisper to myself as I look at the photo. "You have to do this. I want this."

I hear Hunter getting home, and my heart nearly flies out of my chest.

I quickly put the photo back in the notebook and close the drawer. Just in time, Hunter walks into his room as I close it.

"Looking for a book?" He guesses.

"Yeah," I let out a nervous breath as I glance at the book on the bed. "All I could find was The Giver."

"Olly said that's one of the best books ever written," Hunter comments.

"He says that about every book he likes," I laugh.

"I know, but this one, he swears, is. I was supposed to read it this summer."

"How's that going?" I ask with a half-smile, and he shrugs.

"I'll do it.... eventually," he offers with one of his own. "Whatcha doing over here? I was going to shower and go to the farm."

He's a dirty mess, his face streaked with sweat and dirt, his inky hair ruffled. Even his faded jeans are coated in dirt, and it's so hot. Maybe even more so than when he's freshly showered and smells good.

It hits me hard, what I'm about to do, and I suddenly feel a little sick.

His eyes are narrow as he studies me worriedly.

"You okay, Darlin?"

No, nope, not at all.

"Yeah, I'm good, um. I wanted to talk to you about something." My heart is beating so hard there is no way he doesn't hear it.

"What's up?"

Holy crap, okay, here we go; no going back now, Kinz; you got to do this. Every word I rehearsed leaves my head at that moment, and I go blank as I stare dumbly at him.

"Is something wrong?"

"No... not wrong, I hope... crap, I don't know how to say this," I groan.

"Say what?"

"I like you," I blurt it out so fast it sounds like one long word. My face is so hot I'm sure it's purple. His eyes flicker with confusion and something I can't read.

"Well, of course, you do, and I like you too, Kinz. We're best friends."

"Not like that. I mean. I like, like you," I continue before I totally lose my nerve.

No way am I using the other L word. This is hard enough.

His eyes widen as he stares back at me, but then he averts his eyes from mine in a hurry.

"I... um. Kinz, it's uh. We been hanging every day, and we're getting older. It's probably normal to find each other, uh, hot at times," he's stammering, and Hunter doesn't do that.

It's an out though, I could back track right now and we can laugh this off. But I can't. I opened the box now and I have to try.

"It's not just thinking you're hot. I always thought you were," I say, his cheeks get even redder, but he still won't look at me. "It's more than that. A lot more than that. I have real feelings for you, and I think you do too. I mean, maybe..."

Am I wrong? Oh my God, please don't let me be wrong about all of this.

His silence makes me so nervous I can't seem to stop talking. "Or maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's worth a try to see if you could like me like that too."

I run my sweaty palms against my jeans. He takes a step back from me, his gaze now focusing on the bed, the book on the bed, probably so he has something other than me to look at.

"Hunter, please say something," I beg as I feel a lump the size of Texas forming in my throat.

"I wish. I ... we... Kinsey," his voice is strained. "We're best friends."

"I know we are, and I know it's scary, but there's something here. I know there is, and I think it's worth seeing," I'm pleading with him at this point, and it's humiliating. "Don't you feel it? You have to feel it too."

He runs a hand through his hair and begins to pace. "We can't."

Yes, we can! I want to scream, but any confidence I had walking into this room is long gone. I used every last ounce of it with that last plea.

If he doesn't want to try, it's got to mean he doesn't like me at all, but then why ...

"Please just look at me," I whisper in a shaky voice, and he finally does.

His eyes are not full of happiness, and adoration, like that night on the roof, like I imagined every time I lived this out in my dreams. Instead, they're full of embarrassment, horror, and something else I can't read.

"I don't want to hurt you," he says in a strained voice.

"But you don't want me," I guess, and somehow, I say it and keep standing, somehow, but it feels like I just got shot right through the heart. This hurts more than anything ever has. I want to sob, kick, scream, and beg until he sees what I was so sure he saw. But I can't, I'm frozen as I stand there watching my dreams shatter in front of me.

Hunter is standing there unsure of what to do as he guiltily looks down at his shoes and shoves his hands in his pockets. He broke my heart, and he knows it.

"I'm sorry, Kinsey."

He never calls me that, it's always Kinz or Darlin. Never my full name. It sends a chill down my spine. The air feels tense, different, and my stomach is tied into a massive knot.

Oh, good God, what did I just do!?

Did I just end our friendship? I didn't think about the aftermath if things didn't go well, and now... oh no. No. no, no. My eyes well up with tears, and Hunter lets out a strangled, gasping sound. He knows it too.

I just lost my best friend.

Why-- why did I do this? How could I let Brandi talk me into this? I'd give anything, to take it back anything.

"I'm sorry, Kinsey. I'm so sorry," he says in a shaky voice. He shoots another horrified look at me and then runs out of the room.

As soon as the door clicks shut, I fall to my knees on his bedroom floor as tears rain down my face.

*** 

Late August 2000

I'm lying in bed when I hear my bedroom door open. I'm not asleep but close my eyes and pretend to be.

"Kinz! You gotta get up!" Brandi, of course. She's been here every day, even though I keep telling her to leave me be.

"I'm not going anywhere, Brandi. Just go away!" I snap as I shove my pillow over my head.

"You have to! Olly is getting home today. You have to be there to see him get home."

"No," I say, confused, as I pull the pillow off my head and look up with one eye at her. "He doesn't come home until Friday."

"It is Friday, Kinsey."

"What?" I rub at my puffy eyes as I sit up. "How is that possible?"

I seriously thought it was only Tuesday. Since that day In Hunter's room a few weeks ago, I rarely leave my bed. Shar found me in his room crying and brought me home that day. Thank gosh. I can't even imagine facing him again had he come home and found me still there. I don't know if I'll ever be able to face him again.

That thought brings a fresh bout of tears, and Brandi crawls into bed to hug me.

"I know it's hard," she tells me as she rubs my back. "I spent the first week at my Grandma's place crying most of the time. Finally, she looked at me and said, Honey, who broke you?"

"What'd you say?" I sniffle as I wipe back my tears.

"I said his name is Wade, and she said, 'Well, that name is a curse word. Now take it out of your mouth."

"But Hunter isn't like—"I don't say like Wade; she knows that. "This isn't his fault. I bombarded him with my unwanted feelings. I was in the wrong here."

"I don't agree, and you know that," Brandi says. "But we aren't going to argue about this today."

Brandi doesn't buy that Hunter doesn't want me; she keeps coming up with lame reasons why he acted that way. But she didn't see the look on his face, I did. She didn't see him run out of his room to get away from me, I did. He rejected me, and there is no doubt about that.

"Good, because I'm sick of it! You convinced me to ruin my friendship with him as it is. I don't need you filling me with any more false hope."

"Yes, I encouraged you to talk to him because all the signs showed he liked you too! So, either he does, and he's scared or something, or he was leading you on, but either way, you're not in the wrong here."

"Lead me on? Come off it. Hunter would never do that, and you know it!" I snap irritably.

"Did you not hear me say I don't want to argue today?" She asks tiredly. "I'm trying to say you didn't do anything wrong. I'm on your side, girl."

There I go again, snipping at her; what is wrong with me? "I'm sorry, I just .. I am in the wrong. I misread everything."

And that's the worst part because now all those fantasies and daydreams about those moments, like up on the roof, feel hollow and one-sided. I wish I never said anything I could have lived off the hope of us for a long time, now it's gone.

"Look, we don't have time for this. We need to get you up and showered to get to Olly's house. You can't miss his homecoming, Kinz. His mom and David can't be there, so you need to be."

She's right. I don't need to go, three for three, in being a horrible friend to all my best friends.

"You didn't tell Olly, did you?" I ask as I drag myself out of bed. "I will. I just don't want him all worried right away when he gets home."

"No, I didn't say anything, and I did find out Hunter's working today and won't be there."

Thank God for that.

"Girl, you're still wearing that sweatshirt?" Brandi cringes. "Come on, shower, now. You stink."

I can't find it in me to even care that I do, but I still follow her into the bathroom.

**

We're sitting on Olly's porch as we wait for him. Kris and David got delayed and aren't returning from their road trip until very late tonight, so they're planning a small welcome-home party for him tomorrow. It's a party I'm sure Hunter will be at, so there's no way I'm going. How do I explain that to Olly? This is all such a mess.

I stare off into space as we sit quietly. Trying to think about anything but Hunter's face when he rejected me is nearly impossible. I'm so lost in my thoughts I don't even hear the car as it's pulling up until Brandi grabs my arm.

"Kinz, he's here-"Brandi gasps as a car door shuts, and I look at her curiously. Her eyes are wide, and her mouth is slightly agape. "Oh my God. Olly got hot."

"What?" I look away from Brandi and towards the driveway; this time, my jaw drops.

The Olly, coming out of the cab, walks towards us; it is not the same one that left a few months ago.

He's taller, first of all, an inch at least! How did that happen in such a short time? And that's not all, he's so tan and older looking. He's wearing a pair of stonewashed blue jeans, white Nikes, and a white polo shirt, and he's wearing it all so well. He's preppy but looks so hot; Brandi said it right, and Olly got hot.

As he gets closer and flashes us a big smile, I notice how his brown eyes light up, which I can see much better now, as he's switched his glasses for a smaller wire-framed pair. His new hairstyle makes him look like he's already sixteen! It's shaved on the sides and back, but the front and bangs are left long and casually parted off to the side. The Florida sun lightened it, too, and I can see little streaks of lighter blonde near the front. It shows off how handsome his tanned face has become.

Brandi is already up and running towards Olly. He looks a little scared as she launches herself at him, but he's smiling as he hugs her.

"Can I hug my best friend now?" I playfully poke at Brandi, and she giggles as they separate.

This time, I throw my arms around him, and he hugs me tight. I close my eyes, talking in his familiar scent. Suddenly, the world is okay again, at least for this moment.

"Olly, you look so different," I say as we part.

"Is that good or bad?"

"Good! You're hot!" Brandi yells out with a big grin.

He blushes heavily as his eyes dart from her back to me. "I don't know about all that."

"She's right; you went and got yourself totally hot this summer, Olly," I tell him, and despite his deep blush, a big smile takes over his face.

"Um, thanks..." he stammers, a nervous edge to his voice. He does not seek attention. "You look great too, Kinz."

"What am I, a blob?" Brandi asks teasingly, and Olly laughs, finally relaxing a bit.

"Looking good, Brandi. I like your striped hair."

"It's called highlights, Olly," she scoffs with an eye roll.

"Looks like stripes to me," he says with a shrug, but his eyes twinkle with amusement, and I can see that he likes teasing her. After all those years of it being the opposite, I guess that makes sense.

"You're ridiculous," she huffs as she tosses one of the blonde strands over her shoulder. Her rich chestnut hair is now streaked with chunky blonde highlights. They look adorable on her; she looks really cute today, actually. I hadn't noticed her until now. She's wearing short jean shorts, a frilly yellow tank top that shows off a sliver of her tanned tummy, and her platform black sandals.

"Where's Hunter?" Olly asks as he walks towards the house, and Brandi falls into step with him.

"Working," Brandi answers for me, thankfully.

"He's coming to my party tomorrow, right?" Olly asks as he unlocks the door, and we all walk in. He tosses his bag in the entry, leaving it for his mom to trip over. I move towards the wall for him so she doesn't.

"Um, I'm not sure, but probably," Brandi says slowly.

"I wasn't asking you," Olly laughs. "Kinz?"

"I don't know, Olly," I say, and my voice breaks. He turns to look at me with a concerned look flashing through his eyes.

"What's going on, Kinsey?" He asks as he takes a step closer.

"You don't need to worry about this right now, you just got home." Despite my words, my eyes are welling up with tears anyway. You'd think I'd have cried out every drop I could by now.

"A little late for that," he says softly. "Talk to me."

"I'm going to let you two, uh... talk. I'll call you later, Kinz," Brandi offers.

"Okay, thanks, Brandi," I give her a weak smile. I know she's very tired of hearing me cry over Hunter. I feel bad for how I've treated her when she's been trying so hard to be there for me. I wish I could snap out of this, but I just can't, it's such a heavy pain.

"Glad your home, Olly, see you soon," she adds.

"Later Brandi," Olly turns to see her out and then turns back to me.

"Let's go to your room," I suggest, and he leads the way.

With a long sigh, I plop down on his bed, and he sits at his desk facing me. "So?"

"You have to promise you won't get mad because I can't take you being mad at me on top of everything else right now," I start with a heavy sigh.

"How can I be mad at you when you're crying? What is going on, Kinz?"

"I.. um, so this summer, I spent so much time with Hunter, and that crush, I mean, it never really went away, but it got a lot bigger, and it felt like maybe he liked me too." I stop and take a shaky breath, my eyes staring down at the rug on his floor.

Finally, I say it. "And so, I told him..."

"I guess it didn't go well?" Olly says softly, and I look up at him. He doesn't seem all that surprised. Did Brandi tell him I was going to talk to Hunter? She does love to blab. Well, it doesn't matter now anyway, I guess.

"I was so wrong, and I think I damaged our friendship, if not even destroyed it."

"Oh Kinsey." He comes over and sits on the edge of the bed, so I sit up and face him

"That is not true," Olly assures me. "It'll be awkward for a while, but you'll be friends again, just like always."

"This isn't freshman year," I say sadly. "This isn't just a crush. I love him, Olly. I'm in love with Hunter."

Olly draws a sharp breath, and he's not the only one. The reality of saying it to someone else shatters my heart again, and the tears rain down my face. Olly quickly wraps his arms around me. I sob into his shoulder as he holds me.

"Oh God, I'm sorry, Kinz... I–" His voice is breaking, and I look up to see his eyes are teary and his lips are trembling.

"No, I'm sorry. You were so worried about our friendship, and now I went and ruined the whole thing," I sob.

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did. You know I'm right, or you wouldn't be crying too. I changed everything, and you're hurt too," I point out. "Deep down, you're probably mad anyway."

"No, I am not even a little mad at you," he assures me, but he can't hide the pained look in his eyes.

"I've known you my whole life, Olly. I can see how upset you are right now."

"You're right, I'm upset," Olly says slowly. "Because I didn't know you felt that deeply and love...it.. it can hurt so much, I'm just sorry."

"Oh, Olly," I throw myself into his embrace again.

"I think maybe... You should talk to him again," Olly speaks slowly, stroking my hair as if unsure of his words. "Maybe you surprised him, and he needs time to–"

"No, don't do that. Brandi keeps doing that, and it ain't helping," I cut him off. "I can't with the false hope, Olly. He doesn't want me. I have to face that and somehow get the heck over it, or there's no chance he and I will be friends again."

"But–"

"I'm serious," I pull away as I wipe at my cheeks. "I can't hear stuff like, maybe he was just scared, or maybe he needs time or any maybes. Okay?"

"Okay," he agrees, pressing his lips together as if to stop him from saying anything else.

"And you can't go talking to him either, Olly. He doesn't know I love him, I didn't say that word, and he can't ever know that, okay? He can't. I mean it, please, promise me?"

He stares at me for a long moment and then takes a shaky breath, "I promise."

"This is such a horrible mess," I sigh as I fall back down on his bed. "What am I going to do? School starts soon."

"You're going to get up every day, shower, get dressed, and do what you'd normally do."

"I can't. All I can do is lie in bed and drown in my misery. I can't even sleep; I just lie there, day and night."

"Well, you're going to stop that because it won't help. I'm not saying it's not still going to hurt bad, maybe even more while you're forcing yourself to act normal, but it's how you get past this."

"What if I can't?" I get under his blanket, curing over on my side.

"You can." He pats my leg.

"Will you hold me, just for a little bit?" I whisper with a tinge of desperation in my tone.

He looks a little taken aback and gulps, and suddenly, I feel weird, why'd I ask him that? We've never cuddled like me, and Hunter have. Where did that even come from?

"Yeah, of course I will." Olly's answering before I can take it back or question it further.

I slide over to make room for him, and he gets in behind me. There's an awkward moment before he wraps his arms loosely around my waist. It's not the big protective cocoon Hunter's hold is, but Olly makes me feel safe in a different way.

His presence has always felt so soothing and warm, and especially now, as hurt as I am, he's easing my raw nerves. He's my rock, my sweetest and oldest friend. My weary eyes flutter closed as my mind finally let's go and relaxes.

He pulls me in a little closer, and I marvel at how well we fit together. He kisses my head and tightens his hold, and a rush of fluttery feelings dance through my belly.

My eyes pop open wide; what was that?