I will start this "confession" slash "inspiration" speech by stating that I am not a saint.

Now that it is out in the open, I can finally get on with this, lifting the burden off my shoulders and all that crab (this is not a typo, if you know me, you know how I use crab instead of crap and sheet instead of shit, etc.).

I am human just like everyone else here and with that being said, I also need to deal with those green, ugly feelings (envy, jealousy, rage, etc.).

It is so easy to let those feelings eat you up. VERY easy. I mean, just Google those billionaires' sons/daughters or richest people on earth's kids (yep, their kids, who were magically born rich without having to work their arses off). Or you can look at those popular kids in your school that seem to live their lives to the fullest. See, what I mean? It is very easy to get envious or jealous.

But these green, ugly feelings could lead to rage and resentment towards ourselves, our parents, and even God (or destiny/fate if you don't believe in God). We keep asking ourselves why does everyone else have a better life, why is life so unfair, etc (yeah, I know, I used a lot of "etc" here but so be it).

I, myself, hate it when these feelings visit me once in a while. Especially being a writer (and human) who is dealing with constant self-doubt, it is REALLY hard. I will doubt myself more, think that I am not good enough and I will never good enough (dramatic, I know but this is the real thought that I have whenever this happens). I will look down at myself and sometimes even think of giving up.

My mom's words (a long time ago, by the way, when I was thirteen or so which means ten years ago -- yeah, I'm old lol) came to mind: "No one will read your book. Don't be an embarrassment. It is just a waste of time," and I start to believe them. All those good stuff that you, my angels, left on my message board or inbox are clouded by the negative words that my mom once said.

The worst that I was so close to doing previously when these ugly feelings visited was unpublish all my books here then delete my account. I was darn close to doing that (I think it was around Wattys season when Entwined did not make it to the shortlist).

I know it was not a backward step, more like a leap or free fall of the cliff.

Besides rage or resentment, there is also self-pity. I felt bad for myself for wasting so much time writing because it did not work out and it would never work out ⇠ this was my thought during that time, by the way, don't cuss at me now (lol).

Thankfully, before I decided to do anything, I use one of my life solution (which I often do whenever I see no way out or am too tired to seek for one): I sleep it off.

I slept for hours (by that I mean 12+ hours which is not normal for human beings but normal for my troubled self). Then I watched BTS RUN for 36 hours straight (except when I took a bath or went to toilet cos I can't afford my phone drop to the WC). Afterward, I went to the comment section (which is ALWAYS served as healing or balm). I went through the comments and like always, it made me smile, laugh, aww-ing like an idiot, and all that bubbly feeling.

Looking back now, I think I understand why those ugly feelings easily check in as if my heart and mind are free motels. I have shared this in my other book (Books of Believers) but I think I can share it here (if you don't believe in God, just bear with it and ignore the part where I mentioned God).

We often forget our blessings because we're too busy comparing with others.

For example:
You're given a free trip to a resort place in your country with all the expenses covered. You'll feel very happy because of that.

Until you heard that your friend was given a free trip as well, except not just to a resort place in your country but to any resort place in the world, he/she can choose and the expenses would be covered as well.

What would you feel?

You probably feel jealous.
Some may no longer happy and excited about the trip.

Do you know why?

That's because you start comparing instead of being grateful. You start to compare what you have with what others have. You don't feel grateful for the fact that you have it while some people may not have it.

People always look up instead of look down.

Every morning when we wake up, sometimes we forget that some of us don't even wake up anymore. We forget that life itself is a blessing. That we are here today is a blessing. We often talk and complain about the bad things in life instead of grateful for being alive.

We often blinded by our jealousy and rage and resentment that we no longer acknowledge the blessings we received daily. We often forgot to be grateful.

We often complain about how unfair life is instead of being grateful we're still alive. We complain about our problems without realizing that there are far too many people who may not as lucky as us and have worse problems than ours.

So, my dearest angels, let's stop comparing ourselves with others. Let's start being grateful with what we have and are given to us by Lord Almighty Father.

When we're grateful with what we have, life is more enjoyable and less stressful. Life is a thousand of tiny miracles, notice them. Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
— agatha